This is the original introduction comedy sketch I wrote for The Story of a Blacklisted Bootlegger that unfortunately was never used.
To Whomsoever Should Receive This Book,
Once upon a time, many decades ago, director Werner Herzog received a phone call from actor Klaus Kinski, from whom he had made many previous films with before, who's behind the scenes stories showcased an infamous strain in their working relationship.
Klaus Kinski:
Verner! This is Kinski! I need your help!
Werner Herzog:
Klaus? What brought about this phone call?
Klaus Kinski:
Are we not good friends?
Werner Herzog:
If you consider friendship to be threatening each other with shotguns and strangling each other during vicious shouting matches, yes, I might call us good friends.
Klaus Kinski:
Never mind that! I need your help Verner!
Werner Herzog:
That's strange, since when have you ever needed help from anybody?
Klaus Kinski:
I've been working on my autobiography, and all of my fans are expecting me to say the nastiest things about all of the directors I've worked with! But when it comes to the films I've made with you, I'm drawing a complete blank! Verner! I've got writer's block!... And I'm German! Do you know what that means?!! A German man who is unable to insult and berate his enemies, is like an Impotent Man, whose flacid penis is unable to skull fuck his enemies into submission through their eye sockets! Verner! What am I going to do?!! Everybody is counting on me to rip you a new asshole! I cannot let my fanbase down!
Werner Herzog:
You're not thinking interdimensionally Klaus... come away with me, to the farthest regions of Africa. It is there that we shall embark upon our next cinematic quest, to tell the story of Cobra Verde, a man who was the exact opposite of Impotent. A man who impregnated over a hundred african slave women. Come with me to Africa, and through the story of Cobra Verde, your impotence shall be cured, and you shall find your muse.
Klaus Kinski:
Muse?... MUSE?!... I HAVE NO NEED FOR A MUSE! FUCK YOUR MUSE! I AM THE GREAT KLAUS KINSKI! TALENT FLOWS THROUGH EVERY ORIFICE OF MY BODY AND COMES OUT THROUGH MY FINGERTIPS LIKE BOLTS OF LIGHTNING!
Werner Herzog:
But Klaus, a muse is but an Angel of God. To be chosen to convey the spirit and the words of god as a medium, you could ask not for such a higher honor.
Klaus Kinski:
ARRRRRRGGHH!!! GOD GOD GOD!!! ALWAYS WITH THIS GOD!!! EVERYDAY PEOPLE APPROACH ME WITH STORIES OF THIS GOD!!! HOW IS IT THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT CREATIVE GIFTS FROM THIS GOD, WHEN SUCH GREATNESS ALREADY FLOWS FROM MY MIND!!!
Werner Herzog:
What's wrong with conveying the words of God?
Klaus Kinski:
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG!! I AM GOD!! I AM MY OWN ONE TRUE GOD!! ALL OTHERS ARE FRAUDULENT FALSE IDOLS!! IF I CANNOT COME UP WITH SUCH WORDS FOR MYSELF, THEN NOBODY CAN! NO DIRECTOR CAN MASTER ME!! AND NO SUCH HIGHER POWER EXISTS TO TALK DOWN TO ME!!
Werner Herzog:
Well then... what is it exactly that you want me to say?
Klaus Kinski:
SAY NOTHING! I'LL WRITE THE FUCKING BOOK MYSELF!
Suddenly a loud noise is heard over the phone, followed by the smashing of a window, the howling of an injured cat, and the wilhelm scream of someone falling to their death.
Werner Herzog:
Klaus? What was that? Are you okay?
Klaus Kinski:
Never mind! I just threw my chair out the window!
Werner Herzog:
What was that loud scream I heard?
Klaus Kinski:
That was my landlord! He was sitting in it!
And thus... a master of outspoken comedy was born.
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