AH MY GODDESS: HAZBIN HOTEL THE BRUCE CAMPBELL SITUATION
Written by Kevin Neece and
Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads
FADE IN:
When Bruce Campbell dies of Cancer and gets sent to Hell, he approaches the Hazbin Hotel Organization in hopes that they can help him escape to Heaven. But Bruce Campbell doesn't understand that their connections go through Lucifer and any diplomacy is going to take time. When word gets back to Vox The Television Demon that Bruce Campbell has just arrived in the Hellerverse, they plaster Bruce Campbell's Image on Nationwide Television Warning all of the Demons in the Hellerverse that Bruce Campbell is a Serial Killer who spent decades of his life dismembering Demons with a Chainsaw. The Demons in the Hellerverse do not watch Earth Programs, and do not understand that The Evil Dead is a Fictional Movie and that Bruce Campbell is just an Actor. They believe they are all in mortal danger and it has completely scared them shitless. A Response Team is formed, led by Andras The Marquis of Discord (Daniel Radcliffe) to hunt Bruce Campbell down and bring him to justice and the only Demons standing in his defense are Count Andromalius (Greg Kinnear) and Charlie Morningstar. If the General Public realizes that Bruce Campbell is being harbored by the Hazbin Hotel, it could incite a Lynch Mob Attack on them just like the plot of Army of Darkness. Bruce Campbell believes that Scott Spiegel, Josh Becker, and Marcus Gilbert might also be hiding in the Hellerverse as Josh Becker was a Devoted Atheist, and the only reason they have not been attacked is because they are unknown filmmakers and the Demons do not know who they are. Count Andromalius and Andras The Marquis of Discord are both Commanders of the Demon Realm's Armies, and their attempts to Outwit and Engage with each other over The Bruce Campbell Situation could risk inciting another Civil War in the Hellerverse. And while this plot is carried out, Chronos Ere and Ex from the Goddess Hotline Office are monitoring the Bruce Campbell Situation from Yggdrasil HQ and providing their own commentary on what is happening in the Hellerverse.
FADE IN:
INT HAZBIN HOTEL LOBBY
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Hello Charlie. Somebody tipped me off that you've been running a sweet little operation here that can help repentant sinners get into Heaven. While I don't normally collaborate with Demons, it appears that I've just died of Cancer and I don't have much of a choice. Can you help a brother out here Charlie?
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Bruce... we just got existentially ass fucked by the Goddess Hotline Office over our suspected involvement in a Children's Anime series about the Demons from the Hellerverse. You have literally just walked in after we pulled an all nighter. I can't do this right now. I can't even function. I don't know how to help you after the crimes that you were accused of committing against the Demon Realm. I firmly believe that everyone deserves a second chance but what you've just done to us with the Evil Dead series is unforgivable. I'm done here. I'm done for the night.
VAGGIE:
We've got bigger problems. If Bruce Campbell just died and went to hell, it's only going to be a matter of minutes before the news of his arrival goes down the wire and gets intercepted by Vox The Television Demon. If Vox finds out what Bruce Campbell has been doing, he is going to plaster Bruce Campbell's face all over National Wide Television and the entire Pentagram City is going to be hunting for him.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
In our attempts to help you, it could result in a full scale attack on the Hazbin Hotel. Somebody put on the Vox News Report now. This might be about to go live at any minute.
CUT TO:
INT. TELEVISION NEWS REPORT - DAY
VOX THE TELEVISION DEMON:
Hey Hey Hey Pentagram City. This is Vox here from Vox Tech. You can Trust Us. And today we've just received reports down the wire from our sources that the Hellerverse has just received a New Arrival that is going to have you shitting yourselves in total fear. Allow me to introduce all of your to the man of the hour, Bruce Campbell. Now you might all be asking yourselves, who the fuck is Bruce Campbell and why should I care? I'll tell you who Bruce Campbell is, Bruce Campbell is one of the most Notorious Demon Serial Killers to ever walk the face of existence. Remember the Medieval Ages when the Christians Uses to Torture Witches and Occultists? Well Bruce Campbell is even worse. This man has dedicated 46 years of his life to dismembering every Demon that he meets with a Chainsaw. He even dismembered two of his own girlfriends and the legend is that Bruce Campbell was so chainsaw happy that he even cut off his own masturbation hand. Wow, now that is dedication. At one point Bruce Campbell even time traveled to the Middle Ages and held off a full scale attack of the Living Dead on King Arthur's Castle. This man is a Danger to the Citizens of Pentagram City. This man is a Danger to all of your Children. And he is presently walking the streets of Pentagram City looking for fresh new victims. Bruce Campbell knows that he is outnumbered and he is going to take as many of you down with him that he can. Bruce Campbell is going for a Chainsaw. Based on this information alone, some of you might even be tempted to form a Lynch Mob and come after him. Do not do that. If you see Bruce Campbell, do not engage with him or go anywhere near him. Contact the Authorities immediately. In response to public outcry, Carmilla Carmine has just drafted Andras The Marquis of Discord to form a Task Force dedicated to hunting Bruce Campbell down and bringing him to justice. This has been Vox from Vox Tech, bringing you the most important news at the end of the hour. And remember, here at Vox Tech, you can trust us.
CUT TO:
INT HAZBIN HOTEL
VAGGIE:
Charlie, what the fuck just happened?
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
I know exactly what just happened. They don't know that the Evil Dead is a fictional movie. They believe that Bruce Campbell really killed all of those Demons in real life.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
I wish I had killed all of those Demons. I've spent my entire career making nothing but films about Demons, but until now, I've never had the opportunity of meeting one.
VAGGIE:
Gee Bruce, have you ever considered that there might have been a reason why the Church of Satan has been going around telling everyone that Demons aren't real? Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a reason why the Church of Satan have been unable to manifest a Demon themselves?
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Wake up stupid. Kandarian Demons are not real! Have you ever met a person suffering from Demonic Possession that acted like the Demons that you portrayed in the Evil Dead series? The reason why you have never seen demons like the ones that you presented in the Evil Dead movies is because you have spent your entire careers misrepresenting what Demons are to the American Public. You have completely fallen for your own bullshit as if you and Sam Raimi were making Documentary Films.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
So the entire Pentagram City is about to be looking for me. We'll just hold up here at the Hazbin Hotel until the Seraphim from Heaven show up, I'll catch the next train out of her, and then I'll never be your problem again.
LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR:
No Bruce, it's not as simple as that. Heaven is a whole new ballgame than what we do down here in Hell. If you and your coworkers from the Evil Dead series came down here, it's because Heaven already assessed your case and came to the conclusion that you deserved to be sent to Hell in the first place. We cannot just get you into Heaven by making a few phone calls, it doesn't work like that. If you are planning to present your case appeal to the Seraphim, then you are going to have to prove to them that you can do something selfless. An act of human kindness in the service of someone else other than yourself.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
If Scott Spiegel, Josh Becker, and Marcus Gilbert have been living down here for the past few months, it is entirely possible that none of the other Demons have caught onto them because none of they were famous. Scott Spiegel made the sequel to From Dusk Till Dawn, which totally sucked, and I should know, I was in it. And Marcus Gilbert's one claim to fame was his roles from Rambo III and Army of Darkness. I don't think anybody have actually seen any of Marcus Gilbert's other films, even if he was consistently working as an Actor up to his death in 2026.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Then that just leaves Josh Becker. What possible offenses could Josh Becker have made to wind up being sent to hell in the first place.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Kevin Neece is infamously known to publicly criticize and lash out at People who are sitting in a Position of Power and getting away with Unethical Behavior without Punishment. There is nobody that he literally will not go to war with, and it has resulted in him being blacklisted by SAG AFTRA and the Entire Film Industry. Now where do you believe that Kevin Neece learned that from? He learned it from ten years of dealing with Josh Becker's website and all of the internet trolls that were writing into him. Josh Becker had a consistent career making Television Movies like Xena Warrior Princess, but it was mostly through his association with Robert Tapert and Sam Raimi. Josh Becker just could not get ahead in his film career because he refused to make Horror Movies like Sam Raimi and he refused to kiss the asses of Major Hollywood Producers like Steven Spielberg and Quentin Tarantino. Josh Becker's own worst enemy was his own big fucking mouth and personal opinions on Modern Day Movies. No Producer in Hollywood wants to hire someone that publicly criticizes their films and are unable to make good movies themselves. Even Josh Becker admits that he has never made a Great Movie in his life. There is a reason why Josh Becker never worked on the Ash vs Evil Dead series. Everyone believed he should have used his connections to work on our show, but he took a stand and still refused to do it. Not even to save his own career from the gutter. Josh Becker thought that having Ashley J Williams fight a brand new monster every week was the dumbest idea for a Television Show he had ever heard. And you want to know a little secret? I believe that the Evil Dead series has been dragged out for too long as well. I've been sick and tired of playing the role for decades, which is why I stopped appearing in the latest movies like Evil Dead Rise and Evil Dead Burn. I've simply had enough. The only reason we made Ash vs Evil Dead was because the fans wanted it, and even after we gave it to them Starz cancelled it after three seasons anyways. Enough is enough. I'm fucking dead now. I don't want to spend the rest of my afterlife dealing with Demons anymore. I'm dead now and I've had enough. Let the Evil Dead be somebody else's problem.
LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR:
Bruce, have you ever heard the expression, "The Devil is a Lawyer"? Well that is entirely true, we do have lawyers down here in Hell that can specialize in negotiations with the Seraphim in Heaven. The man that you and Josh Becker need most right now is Amon the Mediator. Amon is the Goetic Demon known for resolving conflicts and mending broken relationships. He may be the only hope that you all have. I can make a few phone calls and arrange for a secret meeting with Amon the Mediator, but it's going to take some time. And there is still the issue of how you are all planning to find Scott Spiegel, Josh Becker, and Marcus Gilbert.
VAGGIE:
Does Kevin Neece have any connections in the Hellerverse that are working on Lucifer's Staff? Any connections at all? If he's been experimenting with Witchcraft and the Occult from Satania YouTube, then surely he must have contacted somebody from the Ars Goetia with the Black Mirror.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Kevin Neece made a movie about Willie Aames Bibleman and somehow convinced a bunch of Ars Goetia Demons into helping him guest write their own scenes in the movie as a Practical Joke. And then he mailed DVD screeners of the movie to all of the Family Christian Stores in the United States. Andras The Marquis of Discord was mentioned by Vox the Television Demon in the news report, and his name sounds very familiar, as if he were featured in the movie.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Oh no, you do not want to go anywhere near Andras The Marquis of Discord. Have you ever heard the expression, "I don't start fights, I finish them"? Well that is exact what Andras does. He starts fights and he starts wars that kill millions of people. Andras is an absolute professional when it comes to trolling people and starting shit up. Andras isn't used to mediating situation, he always escalates things. He has no respect for any of the humans who invoke him without a summoning circle, to such a degree that he baits them and kills them, and his only allegiance is to Satan. What you just told us about Andras does not make any sense at all. How the fucking hell did Kevin Neece convince Andras The Marquis of Discord into helping him write a fan film about Willie Aames Bibleman?
VAGGIE:
We don't watch Earth Programs, but every Demon down in the Hellerverse and Pentagram City knows the Legend of Willie Aames Bibleman. That motherfucker was a Sex Offender who exposed himself to one of the child actors working on his Television Show. He was worth a Million Dollars per year and he threw it all away on drugs. He chose to make Bibleman because he was sleeping in bushes and parking garages. He made Bibleman to save himself from the streets. And the worst part is it actually fucking worked. He even came face to face with Andras the Marquis of Discord back in the 1990s and he lived to tell about it.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Okay then, what about Count Andromalius? My understanding is that Count Andromalius adheres to the same themes that could be applied to Law Enforcement Officers. He hunts down and returns your stolen property, and he finds hidden treasures. He encourages you to steal and then he punishes you for stealing. If anybody on Lucifer's Staff might be willing to help us, Count Andromalius sounds like our best option.
LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR:
Count Andromalius does work on our staff and he directly reports to me. I can make a few phone calls and get him down here as soon as possible. Count Andromalius is a Military Strategist like Andras The Marquis of Discord. He would have experience in how to pursue a mission that would take you through a potential war zone.
CUT TO:
INT HAZBIN HOTEL LOBBY
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
I could see why Kevin Neece would believe that I secretly produced Dear God as a Practical Joke on the Christian Community. The Director of Dear God was Garry Marshall, who played Satan in the Disney movie Hocus Pocus. There are Occultists who work in the Hollywood Film Industry, and it would not surprise me at all if Greg Kinnear has been invoking me to protect his valuables and his property. The movie Dear God was a sacrificial offering trade off for his own spiritual protection.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
If you are about to face off against Andras The Marquis of Discord in a Game of Wits, then you need to approach the situation in the same terms as a Chess Match and think outside the box. A Master Chess Player always thinks Three Moves Ahead of the Chess Board, just like the Angel of Death himself.
INGMAR BERGMAN:
Perhaps I can be of assistance. I checked into the hotel recently and could not help but overhear your situation. My name is Ingmar Bergman, and back when I was alive, everybody regarded me as a Master Filmmaker. I know all about chess games with the Angel of Death, because my 1957 Swedish film The Seventh Seal was about a Knight from the Crusades playing a game of chess against the Grim Reaper himself.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
It's funny you should mention that, because that is exactly what Andras The Marquis of Discord is. Andras might just be one of the deadliest opponents you will ever know. The only reason he wouldn't attack me is because I've been on his side for centuries. Andras only shows mercy to those who swear their allegiance to Satan. What do you believe is about to happen to us if we attempt to cross paths with Andras and he realizes he's just been fucked over? How are you realistically expecting me to defeat a Military Commander who is infamously known for starting wars that result in the deaths of millions of people?
INGMAR BERGMAN:
Antonius Block faces the exact same situation when he challenged Death to a chess match. If Death is inevitable, then sometimes the only thing you can do is to try and buy yourselves as much time as possible.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
I've already tried that. The Doctor said that my Cancer was treatable but incurable, meaning my fate was inevitable. I believed that I could buy myself more time if I took a step back from the fan conventions and film productions but Death came for me anyways when I least expected it. I was worth $10 Million Dollars. There was no reason for me to continue working if my own personal health was in danger. I tempted the Fates and Death came for me anyways. It's completely ironic. I've spent my entire life fighting demons and now I'm dependent on them to try and save my ass from the guillotine.
INGMAR BERGMAN:
Antonius Block knew that when he was playing chess with death, there was no chance of winning, so the object of the game was to buy himself more time in hopes that he could perform one last noble act before he met his fate. In the final scene of the movie, Antonius Block distracts the Grim Reaper so a Family of Jesters can escape without dying from the Plague.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
That is the most logical way to approach this. If Count Andromalius cannot win in a stand off against Andras The Marquis of Discord, then maybe he doesn't need to win at all. We just have to outwit Andras and the entire population of Pentagram City long enough so the Jester Family can escape.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Then in order to win this metaphorical chess match with Andras, we're going to have to come up with a brand new game, one that he's never played before.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
I know exactly what Chess Game you should play with him. I've actually read Kevin Neece's autobiography, and one of the chapters discusses a Chess Game Experiment that he played called The Danny McBride Offense. Kevin Neece theorized that if Chess was originally based on Medieval War Strategy, then why doesn't the King ride out in battle ahead of the men where he could easily be killed? Every time somebody plays a Game of Chess, they try and hold back their King until the very last man, but nobody asks what would happen if the King was the first one to ride out the door. How long would the Chess Game last if the King was the only one to face off directly against all of the other chess pieces? What Kevin Neece discovered on Chess.com, is that 50% of the time when the King Piece went out first, he would instantly lose the match within two or three moves. But the other 50% resulted in the other players being thrown off and confused as to why Kevin Neece was approaching them with the one Chess Piece that they needed to win the game. And why were none of their pawns and chess pieces able to defeat him? Kevin Neece proved that it was possible to not only send the King Piece to war without being taken, he was able to take the King Piece right behind enemy lines to the other side of the Board. That is why the Game is called The Danny McBride Offense. Danny McBride rides out ahead of the men in battle and faces off against all of his enemies, viciously mocking them and taunting them like a boss. And then he rides straight behind enemy lines and does a victory dance on the other side of the board until the other chess pieces can take him. The Objective of the Danny McBride Offense was never to win the game. The Objective of the Danny McBride Offense was to troll and confuse the other players by playing a completely different game under a completely different set of rules without telling them what he was doing.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Then that is exactly what we need to do. We need to teach The Danny McBride Offense to Andras The Marquis of Discord with no context for what we are showing him. The entire Pentagram City are looking for Bruce Campbell, but none of them have caught on to him being harbored by the Hazbin Hotel or Count Andromalius. Andras doesn't know we are on the other side of this conflict. In theory, we could march right into Andras headquarters, and send Count Andromalius right into Andras office to perform a victory dance on the other side of the board with no objective chance of winning.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
I think I understand this. You want me to walk right into Andras office, so I can distract, troll, and confuse Andras while you hack into their database to get the information you need on Scott Spiegel, Josh Becker, and Marcus Gilbert. And you want all of us to do this in hopes that Pentagram City will not catch on to what we are doing right under their noses. And the search for the Evil Dead Crew Members are going to take all of us right into enemy territory like the plot of a Walter Hill movie.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
What were you planning to do? Live Forever. Our window of opportunity is closing by the minute. If we do not find Scott Spiegel, Josh Becker, and Marcus Gilbert before the Seraphim comes back for us, then Bruce Campbell and Amon the Mediator are going to have to take their chances without them.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
And God Help Us All on the Day that Sam Raimi and Robert Tapert die and go to Hell. Because this is a one off movie and we are not going to be making any sequels.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
One step at a time Bruce, one step at a time. The Movie Rights Come Later.
CUT TO:
INT HELL OFFICE BUILDING
CUT TO:
INT ANDRAS OFFICE
ANDRAS:
I'm sorry, what are you doing here? Has there been some kind of emergency meeting?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
No emergency. I fully respect and realize that you've got your hands full with the Bruce Campbell Situation, but if you would politely oblige me, I'd like to have a little discussion with you over military strategy. How about a chess game?
ANDRAS:
You came all the way down here on your day off, knowing that I was in the middle of a Public Manhunt, so you could challenge me to chess match? This really is not the time right now.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
I'm asking you to oblige me.
ANDRAS:
Fine. But I'm warning you right now. Do not waste my time.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Trust me on this. You are going to want to see this.
ANDRAS:
Well then... it's ladies first before gentlemen, so you're making the first move.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
First move made.
ANDRAS:
Second move made.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Third move made.
ANDRAS:
You've left yourself wide open by exposing your King. Game set and match. That was quick.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Just as I suspected. Let's do this again.
ANDRAS:
First Move Made.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Second Move Made.
ANDRAS:
Third Move Made.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
And the King Rides Out into Battle.
ANDRAS:
Why the fucking hell do you keep exposing your King to Danger?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Because in times of Medieval War, the King would always be the first to ride out into battle before his men, where he could easily be killed.
ANDRAS:
That's not how you win a chess match. Anybody can defeat you in three moves or less every time you play the game.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Then tell me this Andras. Why didn't you?
ANDRAS:
Why didn't I do what?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
You defeated me in less than three moves the first time. What prevented you from doing it the second time?
ANDRAS:
Because making the same moves over and over again becomes boring and repetitive. If I took your king every single time you made that mistake, the game would never go anywhere. Do not mistake my generosity for weakness.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
But that's not necessarily called strategy. In the acts of war, what you just did could be mistaken for human error. You just allowed the enemy to cross over into your territory because you knowingly refused to stop him.
ANDRAS:
Oh get fucked Andromalius.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
You sincerely believe that because my King was the first one to ride into battle that you've already defeated me. How so? I'm still able to make moves.
ANDRAS:
Not hardly. It's still my turn.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Then watch what happens when you attempt to take out my King. You think you can do it? Let's see you try to defeat my King through the Rules of Chess.
ANDRAS:
Fourth Move.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Fifth Move Blocked.
ANDRAS:
Sixth Move.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Seventh Move avoided.
ANDRAS:
Are you planning on using any of your other chess pieces to protect your King?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
No, my King is about to break your flank and ride straight pass enemy lines. Let's see you try and stop me.
ANDRAS:
I can't.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Why not? According to the Rules of Chess, the King is supposed to be the most vulnerable and defenseless Chess Piece. I'm already two thirds across the board. What's stopping you from taking out my King?
ANDRAS:
It's not for lack of trying.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Check it out Andras. My King is doing a Victory Dance on the Other Side of the Board.
ANDRAS:
Are you even trying to win this game? There is no strategy involved in what you are doing. It looks like you keep resorting to unplanned out suicide moves in hope that you'll keep getting lucky. Chess is supposed to be about Thinking Three Moves Ahead of the Chess Board, not irresponsible suicide missions.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
That's exactly what happened to the US Army when they stormed the beaches of Normandy during World War II. Need I remind you that the reason why Kings stopped riding out into battle ahead of the men was because the Human Race invented Machine Guns.
ANDRAS:
Listen Fuckface. You have only moved one Chess Piece the entire game. You're already on the other side of the board, and I've still got all of my Chess Pieces. What makes you believe you stand any chance of defeating me?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
If I'm standing behind enemy lines, what prevents your Chess Pieces from defeating my King?
ANDRAS:
Because the Pawns cannot move backward. They can only move forward. I can't jump backwards to hold your King Piece in check mate because it's against the rules. And my Specialty Pieces like the Rooks, the Queen, and the Bishops cannot reach you from their respective positions. It's against the Rules of Chess.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
But who makes the rules? And why do we choose to follow them? Are not the rules of chess comparable to the rules of war? Are Human Soldiers not as Expendable as Pawns on a Chess Board? The minute that my King reached the other side of the board, it was blessed with special privileges that allowed it to move in any direction. My King can perform a surprise sneak attack on your pawns from sneaking up behind them. This is metaphorical for how a soldier behind enemy lines can be granted access and special privileges by gaining inside information that can be used to take out your men.
ANDRAS:
You are aware that my Queen is about to put your King in Check.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Then what stops you from doing it? If my King is so vulnerable behind your enemy lines, what stops you from winning the game?
ANDRAS:
Because it's not my turn. It's against the rules for my queen to move until you make your move. Are you even following the rules of chess? Because my understanding is that the entire point of the game is to protect your King.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
But my King isn't in danger right now. It's because he is protected by the Rules of War, and it's because you are choosing to follow them. But who makes the rules of Chess? Who makes the Rules of War? And who makes the Rules of Life? And why do we choose to follow them? Why do you always choose to play chess by the rules of somebody else's games when the rules of war mandate that sometimes to defeat your enemy, you have to make up a completely different set of rules. Do you even remember who invented the game of chess to begin with?
ANDRAS:
Yes Asshole. I do remember who invented the game of chess. The game originated from Northern India, it spread to Persia, then it reached Europe and was evolved during the Middle Ages as a Strategy Game for Medieval War. The entire point of the game was to teach Soldiers how to engage in critical thinking that would allow them to think three moves ahead of the chessboard.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
But you're playing by the rules of a society that has been dead for centuries because they are being applied to a chess game. But who makes the Rules of War? And why do we choose to follow them?
ANDRAS:
Because we are both Commanders of 30 Legions of Demons under the rule of Satan. And if we do not follow the orders and rules of our Superiors, we can be incarcerated and imprisoned under our own Laws.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
So the reason that you choose to follow the rules that were invented by people who have been dead for centuries, is because you are afraid your superiors will punish you? Do you realize what else this logic could be applied to? The entire foundation for all of the Basic Religions that have existed since the beginning of the Human Race. And who invented and tried to apply all of these rules to us, it was Almighty God. And why was Lucifer cast out into Hell? Because he stood up to Almighty God and lost. But once Lucifer was cast into Hell, he was still able to make a name for himself. He was still able to rise to a Position of Power within our Society where he was able to invent his own Rules. So tell me Andras. Who makes the Rules? And why do we choose to follow them? If we stop following the rules when our conscience warns us that what we are doing is wrong, then are we allowed to make our own rules to fix the problem?
ANDRAS:
Are you planning to turn in your resignation? Is that what this is about? Because I am not going to accept your resignation and let you walk away. You are going to stop all of this nonsense, go back to your office, and work on whatever assignments that were given to you. And it's not because it's in the rules. It's not because you are being corporally punished. It's because I know you. I've worked with you for centuries, and I am not going to sit back and allow you to throw your fucking military career away and put your freedom in jeopardy just because you were having an existential crisis about the nature of religion, military strategy, and the stupidity of war! Now get the fuck out of my office before I change my mind!
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
And one more thing before I leave. Oh Andras... Game, Set, and Match. Check Mate.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR HELL OFFICE BUILDING
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
We were able to hack the files on Josh Becker. Scott Spiegel and Marcus Gilbert didn't go to Hell, they were admitted to Heaven. Josh Becker was sent down here because he was an atheist. Do you think they are on to us?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Andras is not stupid. We've only got a matter of minutes before he's going to realize he's just been suckered. It's time for you to leave now. Now now now.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR CARMILLA CARMINE'S OFFICE
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Andras... is something wrong?
ANDRAS:
I just received an unexpected visit from Count Andromalius, and he was suspiciously acting out of character in a manner that defied all logic and reason. He walked into my office, and challenged me to a game of chess that made no logical sense at all. It was as if somebody had taught him how to play a chess game that nobody had ever heard of before, one that didn't follow any of the rules, and during the game he kept using the chess moves as a metaphor about military insubordination and religion. And then he just left without explaining himself. Something is not right about this. Something is not right at all. I've worked with this man for centuries and not once have I ever had an encounter with him that went down like what just happened a few minutes ago.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Andras. Count Andromalius was not supposed to be on the schedule for any meetings today. There was no logical reason for him to even be in the building because he was given an assignment across town. Did he say anything to you that might give himself away?
ANDRAS:
He kept telling me that if somebody were to make it behind enemy lines, such as a chess piece reaching the other end of the board, he could sneak up on us, gaining insider information, and using it against the pawns. Because once the chess piece reaches the other side it has the ability to go forward and backwards. I am strongly advising you to have somebody check the systems to see if anybody tried to access the our files within the past hour or so.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
What do you believe Count Andromalius was doing?
ANDRAS:
I know exactly what he just did. Count Andromalius just mind fucked me over the chess board. And it was absolutely mind boggling. I've never been so angry or confused life.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Let me ask you something. What is your job mostly associated with in the Lesser Key of Solomon?
ANDRAS:
I will kill any human who is stupid enough to invoke me without using a summoning circle. They think I'm going to teach them new and interesting ways to kill people, but I'm not. They deserve to die if they failed to do their research before invoking me. Sometimes I even try to bait them into walking out of their summoning circles just to fuck with their minds and kill them.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
So you're mostly associated as a Death God. What fictional movie involves someone playing chess with a Death God?
ANDRAS:
Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And what does Max Von Sydow do at the end of the movie.
ANDRAS:
He distracts the Grim Reaper by knocking over all of the chess pieces so the jester family can escape.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And who has the most reason to escape from Pentagram City?
ANDRAS:
Bruce Campbell. Are you suggesting that a commander of 36 legions of Demons just committed an act of treason to aid and abet a known serial killer so he could escape Pentagram City. But that doesn't make sense. The entire city is ready to come down on Bruce Campbell's head like the plot of a Walter Hill movie.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Andras. What did Count Andromalius just do to you?
ANDRAS:
He mind fucked me over the chess board.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And what did Max Von Sydow do to the Grim Reaper during the Chess Match?
ANDRAS:
He distracted the Grim Reaper so the Jester family could escape.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And what organization in Pentagram City is dedicated to helping Demons gain admission to Heaven.
ANDRAS:
Charlie Morningstar and the Hazbin Hotel.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And who does Count Andromalius directly report to?
ANDRAS:
He reports directly to Lucifer Morningstar.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And who runs the Hazbin Hotel?
ANDRAS:
Lucifer Morningstar's Daughter, The Princess of Hell. But if Lucifer and Charlie Morningstar are knowingly harboring Bruce Campbell at the Hazbin Hotel, what prevents Bruce Campbell from already leaving?
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Diplomacy takes time to gain admission to Heaven. That's what Count Andromalius needs right now. He's looking to buy themselves more time.
ANDRAS:
No. That's not it at all. The only plausible reason for Bruce Campbell to remain in Pentagram City would be if they were looking for somebody. Bruce Campbell knows somebody that died and went to Hell, and they are looking for him so they can take him with them. This is a Jail Break.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Look up and cross reference any known associates of Bruce Campbell who may have died within the past few months. Anybody that might have has justifiable cause to be denied entrance to Heaven. It doesn't have to be based on Sinful Behavior. Atheists get sent to Hell all the time.
ANDRAS:
And what do you want me to do about Count Andromalius?
CARMILLA CARMINE:
You and Count Andromalius are both Commanders of at least 30 Legions of Demons. If you attempt to publicly engage with Count Andromalius and it goes public all over the news airwaves, it could result in another Civil War in the Hellerverse. The entire point of the Bruce Campbell manhunt was to prevent him from slaughtering innocent civilians. We don't need you to escalate this into further violence like you normally do. You are going to have to think outside the box and find whoever Bruce Campbell is looking for before the Hazbin Hotel can get to him first.
ANDRAS:
This entire situation defies all logic and plausibility. Count Andromalius is a Military Strategist. Why the fucking hell would he walk straight into my office and knowingly give himself away like that?
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Because he was mind fucking you over the chess board so the Jester Family could escape.
CUT TO:
EXT HAZBIN HOTEL STREETS
ANDRAS:
Josh Becker? I've been looking all over for you. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Harry Potter. I'm a representative of the Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, and we have come to seek you out because we were informed that you have an extensive background in film history. In life, you attempted to apply as a Film History Teacher at many local colleges in Michigan, and got shot down every single time because they arrogantly believed that film history study courses were irrelevant to modern day film students. We at Hogwarts would like to offer you a position in the teaching of Films depicting Witchcraft, Demonology, and the Occult. Would you be interested in taking on such a position?
JOSH BECKER:
What, you mean like Haxan: A Study of Witchcraft Through the Ages? I used to have a webmaster that believed Simon King of the Witches classified as a Documentary because it was written by a real life practicing warlock named Robert Phippeny. It did not end well.
ANDRAS:
I bring a gift. I bring a gift. I bring a gift to he who slumbers. Moloch Burn. Moloch Rain. Let those who are out come in! And let those who are in be cast out! Agios O Moloch, Salve Rex Ignifer!
JOSH BECKER:
No seriously. It's not funny. He kept trying to use the movie to invoke Moloch on Halloween Night and then his nephew Dylan Gutierrez commit suicide in his closet with a belt. Are you serious about the Film History Teacher position?
ANDRAS:
Fuck no. I hate Harry Potter as much as you do. JK Rowling needs a hard cock in her mouth to stop all that talking, just something, anything, to plug up that fucking transphobic mouth of hers. What an Evil Cunt. The only thing that I agree with about JK Rowling is that the Harry Potter series was most definitely a trap designed to lure Christian Children into Witchcraft and Satanism without explaining to them that the invocations they are performing would be giving their allegiance to Demons and Dead Sorcerers like a Religion. On that I can agree. My real name is Andras the Marquis of Discord, and I have dedicated centuries of my life to showing humans why they shouldn't be playing around with witchcraft when they haven't done their research. A Person would have to be really fucking stupid to put me in a Children's Animated Movie. I mean, how irresponsible can a filmmaker possibly be? The only thing that they could do worse would be if they were to screen that cartoon into a Black Mirror on Halloween Night with Black Candles and Ginger Allspice and Cedar Incense.
JOSH BECKER:
I know someone that has a Black Mirror... it did not end well.
ANDRAS:
I had my doubts at first, because I admittedly have no love for the human race, but one look at your files and I knew that we shared a common interest with each other. Funny how life can turn out that way. We both hate Almighty God. We both believe that all Religion is Evil. We're both students of Human History. We're both viciously outspoken about the stupidity of the human race, the stupidity of our governments, and the downfall of Hollywood Movies over the past few decades. We both love marijuana and believe that all drugs should be legalized like they are in Amsterdam. Neither of us have ever been parents because we both hate our fathers. And we both have trouble keeping our women and prefer to live alone. It would not surprise me in the slightest if the two of us could have been friends in another life. But why dwell on the past of what was, or what could have been, when we could just as easily be friends right now. A man in your position could use a friend like me to protect him from the more dangerous elements of Pentagram City. And a Demon like me could use someone as knowledgeable and outspoken as you by my side. Because the number one thing that connects us both together is we both love to bait people and start shit up. Am I right?
JOSH BECKER:
This must be Hell. I fucking despise Anime. I've always despised Anime. The entire reason why Kevin Neece left me out of his Ah My Goddess fan films is because he understood how much I hate anime films. So it makes perfect sense that I would wind up in anime hell making friends with Serial Killer Demon Harry Potter.
ANDRAS:
Everybody has their tragic back stories Josh Becker. Our tragic back stories shape us, mold us, define us, and encourage us to become the people that we are today. Even Lucifer has a tragic back story because he was cast into Hell for standing up to Almighty God. That's why so many poor people still give worship to Lucifer today. He represents the Anti-Establishment standing up to the Establishment. The Almighty didn't cast you into Hell because you were a bad man. The Fates brought you directly to me, because I have a gift for spotting talent. You have so many redeemable qualities that overshadow the mediocre films that you have made. Andromalius is known for finding hidden treasures, but every so often, I've been known to find them too.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Josh Becker? Are you the actual Josh Becker from Xena Warrior Princess and Jack of All Trades?
JOSH BECKER:
Fuck No. I'm the Politician Josh Becker from California. I'm sorry to spoil your illusions, but I really have no love for Xena Warrior Princess. I was the one who gave Robert Tapert the Title Idea for Xena in the first place. I directed a few episodes, enjoyed a nice trip to New Zealand, made a little money, and it was nice to be a Television Director for the time being. But once the show was over, the goddamn fans ruined it for me. I suppose it's only ironic that I wound up dying at the hands of a Greek Mythology Death Goddess named Hekate when I was most famously known for a Greek Mythology show called Xena Warrior Princess.
ANDRAS:
Josh Becker, don't you dare spoil Xena Warrior Princess for the Princess of Hell. Charlie and Vaggie are everybody's favorite public access Lesbians.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
It's true, we both dabble in Lesbianism, but if you want to know my true calling as the Princess of Hell, I'm also a total star fucker. I add filmmakers to my sexual conquests all the time.
JOSH BECKER:
I've never had sex with a Demon Circus Clown before... maybe a few beers later.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Hasn't anybody ever told you? Demon Circus Clown sex is the best sex. And the best place to have sex is in a nice and cozy hotel. And I just happen to know the perfect hotel for one night stands.
JOSH BECKER:
Whoa, I never said anything about shelling out for a hotel. If you're this slutty I'm sure we could have a good fuck in a public restroom or fuck behind a dumpster in a blind alley or something.
VAGGIE:
No silly, we already own the hotel. We don't charge for sex.
JOSH BECKER:
So you both pick up random strangers off the streets to have sex with because you are promoting your Hotel? Why the fucking hell would a Princess from Hell do that?
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Because this is Hell Josh Becker. We're supposed to engage in sin and debauchery with the filmmaking community.
ANDRAS:
By all means, Josh Becker, don't let me stop you from getting laid. Here, you can have my card. And remember Charlie, everybody in Pentagram City knows where they can find you.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Right. That's right. Everybody in the Hellerverse knows the Hazbin Hotel.
ANDRAS:
Would you look at the time? I've got a television interview with Vox Tech concerning the Bruce Campbell Manhunt in the next thirty minutes. And I've got some new revelations that I just can't wait to share with the general public. I'll be catching up with you lovebirds later. And Charlie, send my regards to Lucifer Morningstar.
CUT TO:
INT YGGDRASIL HEADQUARTERS:
PEORTH:
Chronos, what's happening with Mokkurkalfi in the Hellerverse?
CHRONOS:
It's not good. Lucifer's Daughter Charlie Morningstar found Josh Becker, but she isn't aware that Andras The Marquis of Discord is already onto them. By all appearances, Andras looks like he's about to expose the Hazbin Hotel for harboring Bruce Campbell on Live National Television. If Andras goes through with his plan to fuck them over, it could result in a Full Scale Attack on the Hazbin Hotel and this is all about to go down within the next thirty minutes.
PEORTH:
Andras had them right where he wanted them... and he intentionally let them go because he already knows where they are going and there is nowhere they can run. I sure hope Mokkurkalfi knows what he's doing, because all of this is about to escalate into disaster. It's exactly what the Marquis of Discord does. He always escalates things into utter chaos.
CHRONOS:
If you want my personal opinion, the best course of action for all of us right now is to make a bucket of popcorn, saddle in, sit back, and prepare to watch the show go down like we were watching pay-per-view.
PEORTH:
All those in favor of watching Charlie Morningstar and the Hazbin Hotel fall flat on their faces trying to rescue Bruce Campbell and Josh Becker from their own personal Hells. Say I.
CUT TO:
INT. VOX THE TELEVISION DEMON REPORT
VOX THE TELEVISION DEMON:
Hey hey hey everybody in Pentagram City. This is Vox Tech bringing you the latest news on the Serial Killer Manhunt for Bruce Campbell. And remember, you can trust us. With us today we have Andras The Marquis of Discord with some important updates on where the Bruce Campbell has been going. So tell us Andras... has everything been going to plan.
ANDRAS:
We can confirm that Bruce Campbell has been spotted and located. Our forces are about to settle in on him. There is nowhere Bruce Campbell can run and nowhere he can hide
VOX THE TELEVISION DEMON:
So that's it. You've already found him. But you don't have him in custody right here and now do you.
ANDRAS:
You can trust us. We know where Bruce Campbell has been hiding. He has been harbored by members of our own government for unknown reasons. And it begs the question as to whether I should blow the whistle on his co-conspirators on Live National Television to hold them responsible.
VOX THE TELEVISION DEMON:
Interesting. So you're about to give away Bruce Campbell's location on Live National Television.
ANDRAS:
I've most definitely been considering it. If our own government could not be trusted to handle this issue, then perhaps it is well within our rights as citizens of Pentagram City to hold Bruce Campbell responsible in their place. I've certainly weighed the options before coming here tonight.
VOX THE TELEVISION DEMON:
So tell us Andras. Where is Bruce Campbell right now? And do you have a message for him if he is watching this broadcast.
CUT TO:
INT HAZBIN HOTEL
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Vaggie... he's about to give us all away on Live National Television! He's been planning to fuck us over the entire time! What are we going to do?
CUT TO:
INT VOX THE TELEVISION DEMON REPORT
ANDRAS:
Normally it is my job to escalate situations and start fights up, but as I have been drafted by Carmilla Carmine to keep this investigation under wraps to prevent further bloodshed, it would be totally irresponsible of me to give away Bruce Campbell's location to the general public no matter what crimes he may be guilty of. The citizens of Pentagram City do not need to know where Bruce Campbell is hiding. All that is important is that I know where he is, I know that he is not hiding within the city limits, and if he ever does set foot within Pentagram City, we will make him pay for his trespass with his life. Bruce Campbell is permanently exiled from this city for the rest of his Afterlife.
VOX THE TELEVISION DEMON:
Just who the hell are you? FBI Director Kash Patel? The is the Jeffrey Epstein Cult of Baal Investigation all over again.
ANDRAS:
As one of my co-workers recently brought to my attention, we are at war with the Seraphim and the Exorcists who come down here every year to exterminate our citizens due to overpopulation problems. The reason why this is happening to us is because we have been following the rules of war. But who makes the rules, and why do we choose to follow them? Why do we choose to follow the rules set by somebody who died thousands of years ago? I'll tell you who made the rules. It was Almighty God. When Heaven sentences the human races down into the pits of hell, and our demons attack them, we are effectively acting as the Seraphim Prison Guards and doing their jobs for them. Whenever our Citizens are Rude to Each Other, Vicious to Each Other, Attacking Each Other, we are giving the Seraphim exactly what they want. The best way to take down an enemy is to trick them into fighting among themselves. If you want to show the Seraphim that our lives are worth fighting for and worth protecting, then you are going to have to accept the fact that the rules were put into place for a reason. And we are all going to have to lead by example. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Turn the other cheek and show forgiveness to your enemies. While these may sound like the rules set in place by Jesus Christ, the reality of these rules is that they are just common sense set in place for our own protection. There is no conclusive evidence proving that Bruce Campbell is guilty of the Demon Serial Killer crimes that he has been accused of. All of our information warns us that Bruce Campbell is just an Actor, and that the Evil Dead films are not documentaries, they are fictional movies. The Angels didn't send Bruce Campbell down to us because he was a bad man guilty of unforgivable sins. The Seraphim did it to flip us off because they are watching to see if we fight with each other to get to him.
VOX THE TELEVISION DEMON:
Well there you have it folks. Remember to stay tuned to Vox Tech every night for the latest news updates on what's been going on. And never forget, that you can trust us.
CUT TO:
INT HAZBIN HOTEL
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
I don't understand. Andras The Marquis of Discord had us right where he wanted us. Why did he let us go?
LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR:
Because a Military Commander is supposed to adhere to the rules and policies of their jobs, and not their own personal opinions. No matter what reputation Andras may have brought down upon himself, he is still a Military Professional, and not a Vigilante Terrorist. Andras is just doing his job.
JOSH BECKER:
I don't suppose you have any liquor on the premises do you?
AMON THE MEDIATOR:
No Josh Becker, now is not the time for Liquor. Now is the time to keep a clear head. My name is Amon the Mediator, I am the Goetic Demon charged with resolving conflicts, and as a personal favor to Lucifer, I have been brought in to arrange the settlements that would enable you to cross over into Heaven.
JOSH BECKER:
If you're a Goetic Demon from the Pits of Hell, then what exactly are your credentials that give you authority over the Seraphim in Heaven?
AMON THE MEDIATOR:
Actually, that's the part that pisses everyone off. Before Lucifer's War with Almighty God, I was the Angel put in charge of mediating the Conflict, and because I failed in my negotiations, Almighty God chose to have me exiled into the Pits of Hell with Lucifer's Army as punishment for what he felt was my ineptitude and my stupidity. Because of my failure, all of the Nephilim were cast out of Heaven into the Pits of Hell. Lucifer's reputation as The Devil could and should have resulted in me being attacked by his Legions, but instead Lucifer chose to do the one thing that Jesus Christ asked everyone to do. Lucifer showed me forgiveness and he gave me a second chance. Everybody who has ever lived and died has had their own personal tragic back story that defined them and molded them into who they are today. You all know the story of my failure with Almighty God, but what you don't know are the countless other stories of the lives I have helped save afterwards. It was because Fate gave me a second chance. And that second chance didn't come at the hands of an Angel. It came at the hands of the Devil himself. Why should the Angels have a monopoly on forgiveness, second chances, and human kindness. Should not the Demons themselves be allowed to showcase that we are just as capable as they are? That we can lead by examples and still be their equals?
LUCIFER:
As Andras The Marquis of Discord just stated on the Vox Tech News Report, who makes the Rules, and why do we choose to follow them? Mankind has a natural attraction for breaking the rules. It's why God finds it necessary to forgive them for their sins. And it all relates back to the Devil tempting Adam and Eve with the Apple from the Tree of Knowledge. While this story may sound like a fairy tale to an atheist, it presents a metaphor for how the advancement of human knowledge will always lead to the disbelief in the Mysterious Nature of God. The more that Mankind learns how Science can be used to explain the world's mysteries, the more they begin to lose faith in their beliefs in the Fairy Tales presented within their Religious Mythologies. And it is because of this disbelief that their lack of faith in God leads all of them into a trap, which results in them being sentenced down here to hell with all of us. We were all cast into hell because we lost our faith in God and thought we could run things better ourselves. And now half of mankind is being cast into hell with us because they are all following our example. We were supposed to lead by example, and it resulted in all of you falling into the exact same trap that we did. Because the Greatest Trick that the Devil Ever Pulled was Convincing the World that he doesn't exist.
AMON THE MEDIATOR:
If you are to have any chance whatsoever in escaping from your own personal hell, then you are going to have to accept that it is time for you to do the one thing in death that you failed to do in life. You are going to have to put your faith in God. On your Beckerfilms Website, you repeatedly stated that you always get the last word in on your arguments, but as you have just witnessed, the Angel of Death just got the last laugh on you. I fully realize that what we are asking of you might be too difficult as you have based your entire life upon your own beliefs. But it's entirely true. If you have no faith in God, then you have no chance of escape from your own personal hell. If it was so easy for us to put our faith in God, then why would any of us be down here in Hell in the first place? It's because we all see the same injustices in religion that you did. It's because we all agree with you. All Religion is Evil. All Religion is about Control. Jesus Christ was not worth following because he claimed to be the Son of God. It was because Jesus Christ taught common sense.
JOSH BECKER:
So let me get this straight. You baited me into coming to this sex by the hour hotel with the promise of kinky Demon Circus Clown Lesbian Sex with Lucifer's Daughter The Princess of Hell... and then you bait and switched me with the teachings of Jesus Christ? Well Hallelujah! This must be anime hell itself because I have seen the light!
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
So you're actually going to do it? You're actually going to take a leap of faith and seek redemption for your sins?
JOSH BECKER:
No, not really, but I would very much like to sample some of that liquor from that bar over there. I'm sure the Furry Midget Bartender would be happy to oblige me.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Listen Old Friend, we just went through a hell of a lot of trouble to save you from your own personal hell, but even with all of our powers and abilities, even we are unable to help somebody who is their own worst enemy and are unable to help themselves. It's time for you to take a fucking clue. Either shape up or ship out. Because second chances like this don't happen to people who die in real life. Second chances like this could only happen in the movies.
JOSH BECKER:
Well you don't have to worry about me anymore Bruce. If I were you, I would be worrying about yourself.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
You seemed to have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit. And my name isn't Bruce Campbell. I'm everybody's favorite public access time lord Mokkurkalfi.
Bruce Campbell shape changes into Mokkurkalfi.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Wait a minute. We thought you all abandoned us! You were still hanging out here the entire time?
MOKKURKALFI:
The Goddess Hotline Office apologizes for the Ruse, but we had to convince the Hazbin Hotel into finding Josh Becker somehow. It's not like they had any kind of incentive to cooperate with us.
BELLDANDY:
You offered us free room and board to sleep it off, so that's exactly what we just did. We slept it off in your hotel rooms in the back while you went out and performed all of our dirty work for us. Pretty cozy actually.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Oh My Goddess. I'm starting to believe that you are the Real Demons here.
JOSH BECKER:
Why the fuck would any of your care about my welfare now that I'm dead?
MOKKURKALFI:
Because Kevin Neece feels personally responsible for what happened to all of you due to his connections to Hekate Goddess of the Crossrads, and this misadventure was his way of acknowledging his participation in what he had done. Kevin Neece has done everything within his power to show both you and Bruce Campbell the olive branch in his witchcraft investigation. And I'm not going to lie to you, if Scott Spiegel and Marcus Gilbert made it to Heaven, then maybe, just maybe Bruce Campbell will still have a shot of beating the odds and making it into Heaven to when his Cancer finally takes him. But that's more of a chance than what you are going to get. If you so desperately want to spend the rest of your afterlife in Anime Hell with Biblically Accurate Charlie Morningstar, then that is your decision. But seconds chances like this don't happen to people who die in real life. They only happen in the movies. We still care about you Josh Becker. If we didn't, none of us would be here today. The choice is up to you.
FADE OUT:
