Kevin Neece got hit with some dialogue inspiration for one of the later films in Death Note War Games while he was at the theater watching Nightmare Before Christmas and Scream 2. In order to extend the run time of the Climactic film at Barton Creek Mall, my idea is, what if Kevin Neece and Sepheranz the Spider Queen got side tracked on their way to the Mall, and it resulted in them being arrested and taken in by a Traffic Cop who didn't have any way to identify them and was unaware of who he was arresting.
From that point on, for the entire first hour of the film, the movie becomes a showcase for what Broken Lizard's Super Troopers might have looked like when the Police Officers were re-imagined in the context of an Alfred Hitchcock Suspense Thriller that was entirely dialogue driven. And while these dialogue interactions are happening at the Police Station, everyone is locked in because of a terrible Lightning and Rain Storm, and find themselves engaging with each other through the night until Kevin Neece and Sepheranz find a way to escape the next morning before the Barton Creek Mall opens setting the stage for the Final Confrontation in the Third Act of the Movie.
AH MY GODDESS:
THE SHOWDOWN AT BARTON CREEK MALL
And
SUPER TROOPERS CAT AND MOUSE
Written by KEVIN NEECE and
HEKATE GODDESS OF THE CROSSROADS
17 Pages Test Dialogue Scenes Rough Draft
FADE IN:
EXT STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN
CUT TO:
INT STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN LOBBY
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
Is something wrong? The Internet Stopped working and we can't get a signal.
RYUK THE SHINIGAMI:
It doesn't take a genius to figure out that the Austin Police Department shut us down again after we sent out too many Free Starbucks emails from the Holy Grail that is Anthony Weiner's Laptop.
KEVIN NEECE:
Maybe the Austin Police Department were Cowboy Bebop fans, and it pissed them off when we Death Noted Spike Spiegel and the other Bounty Hunters from Team Bebop, and then General Ryuk engaged in a Stand off with Historical Jesus Christ and the MI5.
RYUK THE SHINIGAMI:
Kevin... it was not my fault that Historical Jesus Christ was traveling around with the Marller Gang when Team Bebop finally caught up with them. I can kill a lot of people, but Historical Jesus Christ is not one of them. He became immune to the effects of the Death Note Spells when he was resurrected from the Dead, just like Leonardo Dicaprio and Ellen Degeneres were in Salem Massachusetts.
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
Well what do you want to do about this Kevin. Is it time for you to pack it in and head to the next wifi hot spot. How many more members of the Illuminati Families and Criminal Organizations do we need to hunt down before this is all over.
KEVIN NEECE:
I don't know. The Illuminati are like Hydra. The more Illuminati Scumbags that we kill from the Cult of Baal, the more that come out of the wood works to take their place. This may be a futile losing battle, but if we have any self respect left for our jobs, we'll make a run for the Free Wifi at the Barton Creek Mall Food Court. And we'll finish the job together before the Austin Police Department takes us out. After all, they can only kill me once.
CUT TO:
EXT. CAPITAL OF TEXAS HIGHWAY
Cue the Driving Montage set to The Eurythmics The Last Time.
THE EURYTHMICS:
Well the First Time, that I saw you, you were standing, in the rain. You were waiting, at the station, for the last, connecting train. Who do you go to, when there's no one, left to blame. And I say, who do you go to, when your best friends, turn away, hey hey. Last time you're gonna let me down, last time you're gonna fool around with me. It's the last time. Last time you're gonna let me down. Last time you're gonna fool around with me. It's the last time baby. There's a garden, full of roses, there's a necklace, full of pearls, you have come, to take the roses, to give to other girls, well, I'm just a pretty thing, you wanted, for a day, there is nothing, left between us, there is nothing, left to say, hey hey. Last time you're gonna let me down, last time you're gonna fool around with me, it's the last time. Last time you're gonna let me down, last time you're gonna fool around with me. It's the last time baby.
CUT TO:
Kevin Neece is pulled over by a Police Cruiser. The APD Traffic Cop that approaches his driver's side window is Actor Jay Chandrasekhar reprising Captain Thorny from the Broken Lizard film Super Troopers.
CUT TO:
INT KEVIN NEECE'S CAR
CAPTAIN THORNY:
License and Registration Please.
KEVIN NEECE:
I sincerely apologize Officer Sir. Was I speeding again? I'm not mad at you for doing your job.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
License... and Registration Please.
KEVIN NEECE:
My License is in my wallet in my pocket. Permission to reach for my wallet sir.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Just keep your hands where I can see them.
Kevin Neece intentionally drops his wallet under the seat.
KEVIN NEECE:
Officer sir... I appear to have been mistaken. My wallet isn't in my pocket. I must have left it at home.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Do you have your Driver's Insurance or Registration?
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
No Officer Sir, they appear to have gone missing from the Glove Compartment.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Is this your girlfriend?
KEVIN NEECE:
Yes and No. This is my newlywed wife Barbara. We recently eloped and drove in to Austin Texas from Los Angeles California.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Do you have a name?
KEVIN NEECE:
Victor. My name is Victor Morozoff.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Do you know how fast you were going Victor Morozoff?
KEVIN NEECE:
No Officer Sir. How fast was I going?
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Fast enough for me to pull you over.
KEVIN NEECE:
Isn't the Speed Limit 70 on Capital of Texas Highway Officer Sir?
CAPTAIN THORNY:
The Speed Limit is indeed 70 on Capital of Texas Highway.
KEVIN NEECE:
Then how much faster could I have possibly been going?
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Fast enough for me to pull you over.
KEVIN NEECE:
I'm pretty sure there were other people going faster that I was.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Yes, but I wasn't fast enough to catch them. I was fast enough to catch you. I would never dream of letting you go Victor Morozoff. You are the center of my attention. You are the light of my life. You are my entire state of being, and you exist at the very center of my universe. You complete me Victor Morozoff. Now it's my turn to complete the both of you. You can scream all you want in the local cemeteries, because we're still coming to get you Barbara.
(beat)
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
Victor Darling... stop patronizing the poor officer... we'll happily take the ticket and pay it later.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
I'm afraid I can't do that. One of your tail lights is out. And your brake lights aren't working either. When was the last time your car passed inspection?
KEVIN NEECE:
I wouldn't remember. Isn't that why they give us the stickers on the windshield?
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Your Sticker is Expired.
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
Officer Sir... are we under arrest?
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Well you don't have your License or Registration. You don't have Proof of Insurance. Your Tail Lights and your Brake Lights are out. And your Sticker is Expired. Do you even know your own Driver's License Number?
KEVIN NEECE:
That's why I have a Driver's License. So I don't have to remember it.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
But you don't have your Driver's License on you now. How convenient that you magically and mysteriously no longer have your driver's license. So tell me, what's your driver's license number Victor Morozoff?
KEVIN NEECE:
It's deeply personal.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Don't lie to me Victor. Because my Bullshit-o-meter is operating at over 101 percent today. And today my aim is right on target.
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
Bullshit Artist. Your bullshit-o-meter is no match for my...
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Just a moment. Stay right where you are. Do not attempt to drive off. If you run... you're looking at Twenty Years in Prison for Evading Arrest.
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
I can think of a lot worse things to get arrested for.
CUT TO:
EXT POLICE CRUISER
OFFICER RABBIT:
We can't run the plates Thorny. Our Mobile Data Terminal isn't working.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Are you able to call it in over the Radio?
OFFICER RABBIT:
The Radio is down too.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
So you can't run their plates? And you can't Radio in for backup or verification? What about your iphone? Can't you just call the station?
OFFICER RABBIT:
My iphone doesn't appear to have a signal, for the moment.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Mine doesn't appear to be working either, for the moment.
OFFICER RABBIT:
So what do you think we should do?
CAPTAIN THORNY:
I think we should take them in to the station and let God sort them out.
CUT TO:
INT KEVIN NEECE'S CAR
KEVIN NEECE:
Officer Sir, are you going to have our car towed?
CAPTAIN THORNY:
All in Good Time Victor. All in Good Time. I'm going to have to ask you both to step out of the vehicle.
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
You're not going to perform a Cavity Search on me are you Officer Sir?
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Why would we perform a Cavity Search on you? Are you hiding something in your Asshole or Vagina?
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
Yes Officer Sir. It's your mother. She tripped and fell right in face first after a night of sleep walking.
(beat)
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Please Step out of the Vehicle Barbara. Don't make me ask you twice.
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
You can search my Vagina all you want, but you're never going to find her. You have a much higher chance of scoring cocaine from the Studio Executives at Disney.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Barbara. Victor. Step out of the Vehicle Please. You both have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can be held against you in a court of law. You both look like you already know the rest.
CUT TO:
EXT AUSTIN POLICE DEPARTMENT HEADQUARTERS
CUT TO:
INT APD CHIEF LISA DAVIS OFFICE
APD CHRISTIAN FRITZ:
Chief, we've got a problem... one of our officers was called in to report an abandoned car somewhere along the Capital of Texas Highway. The car belonged to Kevin Neece, but he was nowhere to be found. We know this because he left his wallet under the seat with his driver's license.
APD CHIEF LISA DAVIS:
Why would Kevin Neece and Sepheranz the Spider Queen abandon their car along the side of the road to Barton Creek Mall and just disappear out of thin air? If they were making a run for the Free Wifi at the Barton Creek Mall Food Court, then shouldn't their car have been parked in the parking lot somewhere around the AMC Barton Creek Square Theater Entrance?
APD CHRISTIAN FRITZ:
They're not at the Barton Creek Mall Food Court. We searched the entire premises and checked the security cameras around the entrances. They're both gone. We think one of our Traffic Cops may have pulled them over and tried to take them both in, and the reason why they haven't been reported is because he ditched his identification and his wallet to prevent them from identifying them. They might not be aware that they have the Death Note Killer in their custody because they couldn't identify them. Sepheranz The Spider Queen doesn't have a Social Security Number or Driver's License because she came here from the Spirit Underworld.
APD CHIEF LISA DAVIS:
Why didn't they just run his Plates after they pulled him over?
APD CHRISTIAN FRITZ:
They didn't run his plates. If they had, it would have been entered into our Systems. It's possible that the reason why they didn't run his plates is because their Mobile Data Terminals were down. Kevin Neece is haunted by the System Force remember. The Goddess Hotline Office used the System Force to dismantle all of the weapons and firearms in the United States for Death Note War Games, what makes you think they couldn't sabotage our Mobile Data Terminals to prevent them from being identified by the Traffic Cops?
APD CHIEF LISA DAVIS:
If one of your Traffic Cops took Kevin Neece and Sepheranz the Spider Queen into custody, and they wound up placing them in the wrong interrogation room at the hands of an Abusive Police Officer, and they back them into a corner, there is virtually nothing that would prevent the both of them from killing all of the Police Officers in the station with the Death Note from the safety of their own Jail Cells, and running off with the keys to a Dead Officer's Police Cruiser. This is bad. Very very bad. Death Note War Games has already escalated farther than we can afford to go. The last thing we need is the entire staff of a police station murdered overnight because they didn't realize they arrested the Death Note Killer at a Traffic Stop and brought him in for questioning. We need to get a message to the other Police Stations and figure out who took them into Custody before all of this backfires on us.
APD CHRISTIAN FRITZ:
That's easier said than done Chief. If Kevin Neece is being haunted by the System Force, and it's sabotaging their computer systems and Mobile Data Terminals to prevent him from being identified, then how can we be sure that they will receive the warnings that we're about to send out? And to that matter, Austin Texas is about to fall victim to a terrible storm tonight. It's all over the news. Wherever Kevin Neece and Sepheranz the Spider Queen are hiding, those Police Officers might be boxed in with them the entire night because of the Storm with no way to communicate outside their Station due to the System Force. Whoever had the misfortune of arresting Kevin Neece, they're about to be in for one hell of a night.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Were you able to check up on their plates or identification?
OFFICER FARVA:
No... all of our systems went down.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
How long have our systems been down?
OFFICER FARVA:
I don't know... about twenty, thirty minutes... everything went dead about the same time you walked in the door with these two.
Lightning strikes. All attention turns on Kevin Neece and Sepheranz The Spider Queen.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Who are you?
KEVIN NEECE:
I told you. I told you back at the car. My name is Victor Morozoff. And this is my wife Gloria.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Victor Morozoff? Is that supposed to be Jewish? Or Russian? Because you suspiciously don't look Jewish or Russian. You claimed you drove in from Los Angeles California, but I have a pretty good ear for accents, and you were clearly born and raised in Local Texas. And what was your wife's name again?
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
Gloria Rose Turner.
(beat)
CAPTAIN THORNY:
That's not what he said back at the car. He said your name was Barbara.
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
Barbara Turner is my writer alias. I used to moonlight as a screenwriter back in Los Angeles California. I was born in Brooklyn New York, but I did attend the University of Texas in Austin to study acting.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Oh, so now you're a Hollywood Screenwriter from Los Angeles California? Name one movie you worked on that I've heard of.
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
I wrote the screenplay adaptation for Stephen King's Cujo back in 1983 under the alias of Lauren Currier. Outside of that, you wouldn't know any of my other screenwriting work. I made a living and paid the rent... let's put it that way.
OFFICER FARVA:
Are you fucking shitting me? Thorny, only you could be so lucky as to bring in the screenwriter of Cujo. What are the fucking odds of that happening?
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Yes Farva, what are the odds of that happening? So your legal name is Gloria Rose Turner. And his legal name is Victor Morozoff, I'll buy that for a dollar. You both recently got married in Los Angeles California, so you didn't have time to legally change your name... but you've both been living in Austin Texas long enough to change the plates on your vehicle... and your husband who just drove in from Los Angeles California clearly has a local Texas Accent. And none of us can verify any of this because all of our systems and wifi went offline the minute you conveniently walked through our doors. Do you both realize what this sounds like?
CAPTAIN O'HAGAN:
I know exactly what it looks like. It looks like the both of them are giving each other signals and playing off each other like a Vaudeville Comedy Act. Something is not right about this. I want you to take these two and separate them, put them in separate rooms and see if their answers still match up.
Lightning Strikes.
KEVIN NEECE:
I don't see what the issue here is. You're suspicious because your computer systems and wifi went down after we just arrived? Are you suggesting that we're both somehow responsible for all of your electronic difficulties? How could any of this possibly be our fault? What are you all afraid of, that Officer Farva might have to bite the bullet and start jacking off to porno magazines again because his iphone isn't working?
OFFICER FARVA:
I'm already two steps ahead of you.
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
You would be Officer Farva.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
We never said the phones weren't working.
KEVIN NEECE:
I'm sorry?
CAPTAIN THORNY:
We said the computer systems and the wifi were down. But we never told you the phones weren't working.
KEVIN NEECE:
Just what are you getting at?
OFFICER FARVA:
Yes Victor... do tell us... how did you know the phone signals weren't working when Captain Thorny already confiscated your iphone? And what's this anime show that you've been using as your wallpaper? It looks like Three Goddesses from Heaven or something.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
What's the passcode to your iphone?
KEVIN NEECE:
It's deeply personal.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
Why don't you want us to see what's on your phone if it would collaborate your story and verify your identities? What are you hiding from us Victor?
KEVIN NEECE:
I'm not hiding anything from you Captain Thorny. I just don't trust Police Officers trying to break into my iphone.
SEPHERANZ THE SPIDER QUEEN:
Aren't we allowed the right to remain silent until we can speak to our Lawyer?
CAPTAIN O'HAGAN:
Why are you so quick to go running and hiding behind your lawyer Barbara? We haven't even charged you with a crime yet. How were you two planning to call your lawyer when all of the phones, the computers, and the wifi aren't even working right now?
OFFICER URSULA:
I've got a solution to all of this that will shut everyone up. How about we just bite the bullet, and send someone out in a cruiser to another station where the internet and the computer systems are working. I can cross reference their information and their license plates and meet back up with you here later.
CAPTAIN THORNY:
You want to go out in this storm while its still raining cats and dogs? A couple of local officers from the APD Intelligence Unit died doing that. I believe their names were Christian Fritz and Valerie Wosnig. The both of them died under similar flooding conditions no less than 72 hours apart from each other, and they both worked for the APD Intelligence Unit. Christian Fritz died on Fritz Hughes Road. How weird is that shit?
KEVIN NEECE:
Oh I can explain that.
(beat)
CAPTAIN THORNY:
What do you mean you can explain that? How can anybody explain that? It looks like the Angel of Death got bored and they were fucking with them for their own personal amusement. That's what it looks like.
KEVIN NEECE:
Godfather you know everything.
Lightning Strikes.
CAPTAIN O'HAGAN:
I've had enough of this for one night. Separate the both of them immediately. Send Officer Ursula to the next station over, run everything through the system and see if they have any records that match up to their physical descriptions. Something is not right about this. My Spider Sense is Tingling. This is giving me the Heebie Jeebies.
CUT TO:
INT JAIL CELL
RYUK THE SHINIGAMI:
Kevin... this is your attorney and personal spiritual advisor. The names of the Police Officers who are holding you hostage are Captain John Thorny, Officer Rod Farva, Captain John O'Hagan, and the woman is Officer Ursula Hanson. If you and Sepheranz want this to end, and you want to get out of here, then you know what needs to be done.
KEVIN NEECE:
No General Ryuk. I don't know what needs to be done. Not anymore. I can't do it General Ryuk. I can't bring myself to kill my way out of every single life problem that comes my way with a Death Note anymore. Death Note isn't a blessing. Death Note is a fucking Curse.
RYUK THE SHINIGAMI:
Why not? You've already taken out nearly all of your enemies. What's the difference?
KEVIN NEECE:
The only difference is these specific Police Officers haven't done anything to us. They haven't physically attacked us. They haven't charged us with a crime. As far as we can tell, they don't even know who we are or that we're all over the news right now. Captain Thorny was just doing his job when he took us in.
RYUK THE SHINIGAMI:
These officers have been busting your balls all night. If you continue to waste your time, sooner or later they are going to find a way to identify you. Maybe not Sepheranz, but you, most definitely.
KEVIN NEECE:
Of course they were busting my balls. They're Police Officers. It's their fucking job. If they didn't find the humor in their jobs, then every day of their lives would be a living nightmare. Why is it necessary to enforce the death penalty on them for a crime that they haven't committed? Why is it necessary to Death Note them just because they had the misfortune of coming into contact with Kevin Neece? We could have been taken down by any different number of Police Officers in the Austin Texas area, but would any of them have deserved to die in their place? Seiji Noma tried to warn me that this was going to happen to me. I wish I had the common sense to listen to him when he reached out to me.
RYUK THE SHINIGAMI:
What makes you think that Sepheranz is going to hold back when they attempt to take her to the mat in the interrogation rooms?
KEVIN NEECE:
Oh I'm sure that Sepheranz is tickled to no end that this is happening to her. She's just going to toy with them like she always does. No more Death Note for tonight General Ryuk. I've had enough Death Note for an entire lifetime. We're just going to have to explore all of our other options and problem solve our way out of this situation without killing all of the Police Officers in the process. And we're going to have to do it before Officer Ursula makes it to the next station over and identifies us. I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but what more do you want from me?
RYUK THE SHINIGAMI:
But there is no right or wrong answer Kevin. Whether the Police Officers live or die tonight, or tomorrow, or twenty years from now, the only difference can be the choices that you choose to make. And the people who you choose to make them against. Just remember Kevin. Nobody ever promised that making the Hard Decisions in life would be easy. That's why they're called the Hard Decisions. Because Life is Hard. And that's why we need people like you to make them. Knowing when to take a life, and when to spare one, is never going to be easy. It's always going to be a Long Dark Road and sometimes it will come with serious consequences that can backfire on you. So be careful when you attempt to open Pandora's Box, because once the ultimate evil gets released out into the world, there is no way to put it back.
Ryuk the Shinigami disappears from the Prison Cell.
TO BE CONTINUED...
