Kevin Neece's haunted Bad Goddess is riddled with unmade episode ideas and unmade season plans. When you're working with stock animation, there's only so much you can do and sometimes you just can't make the movie that you want to make.
One such unmade season that stands out from the rest is Bad Goddess: War Games. It's not that it's a bad idea for a movie and a Soundtrack is available on Spotify. It's that the entire season takes place in Kevin Neece's reality and therefore the footage does not exist to make it. And that's the strangest part about it, Hekate KNOWS that Bad Goddess War Games is supposed to take place in Reality and several of the PLOT ELEMENTS that were a total work of fiction when they were first conceived have already happened in REAL LIFE, just like the plot of the movie. It's as if Kevin Neece were under the influence of Skuld when he wrote the plotline and she subconsciously snuck things in that she already knew were going to happen in the future anyways.
Bad Goddess War Games was supposed to be a Live Action Michael Bay style movie that was being held back for the official television production of Bad Goddess/The Story of a Blacklisted Bootlegger if it were ever to be produced. Kevin Neece becomes possessed by a Shinigami from Death Note and his misuse of the Death Note causes all of the Children of the United States to die in their sleep from COVID-19 including the children from FUNimation and Ah My Goddess Voice Actors. When the entire Ah My Goddess cast and crew realize what has happened, they try to hunt Kevin Neece down in Cold Blood only to discover that the System Force is working against them, turning their attempts into a cross between It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World and Stephen King's Maximum Overdrive when all of the Tesla Cars come to life like the anime series eX-Driver.
Kevin Neece scrapped this plot in his autobiography because he believed it was too extreme and too cruel, and instead wrote a new one. Kevin Neece becomes possessed by The Mad Doctor's schizophrenic personality and uses the Black Mirror in his bedroom like a Nuclear Weapon, invoking Hekate to launch Natural Disaster Terrorist Attacks across the United States. When Kosuke Fuijsihima goes on Vacation to New York City, the entire country goes on Red Alert with One Minute to Midnight when Hackers set off a Nuclear Standoff between the United States, North Korea, Russia, and Japan, leaving Kosuke Fujishima and Nekomu Otogi trapped at the airport. All of the Nuclear Weapons fail to launch because of the System Force and then Natural Disasters wipe out North Korea, Russia, and a Giant Earthquake Threatens to Sink Japan Underwater. Then Nekomu Otogi falls deathly ill as if she is under a curse. Kosuke Fujishima is approached by the FBI at the airport and shown a video of Kevin Neece who has become possessed by The Mad Doctor and challenges him to a game based on eX-Driver. Using the System Force, all of the Automobiles in the United States have come to life as if possessed by Demons meaning the only safe vehicles to drive are Motorcycles. If Kosuke Fujishima fails to play, the sacrificial offering to the Demon Realm is Nekomu Otogi's Soul. For the first time in his life, Kosuke Fuijshima has to endure a real life Trial of the Gods against the Goddesses and Demons that he exploited for his Oh My Goddess Manga by enduring a High Speed Motorcycle Chase across the United States to Kevin Neece's House while it's under attack by Demon Possessed Tesla Cars and Natural Disasters, and every time he is forced to stop for gas, the System Force puts him in these fucked up situations like It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World. While he's on his motorcycle chase, he is constantly being stalked by an Eighteen Wheeler with the Anime Belldandy Urd and Skuld happily painted on the side of it as a joke reference to the Goblin Truck from Maximum Overdrive. If Kosuke Fujishima fails, the entire Nation of Japan will be sunk underwater and everyone in his country of Japan will die, then all of the dead Japanese Population will be reincarnated as a brand new species called Fairy Spider Sharks and Nekomu Otogi will be their Goddess Queen. What happens when Kosuke-san reaches Kevin Neece's house is a mystery although one considered ending is the Boat from Werner Herzog's Fitzcarraldo lands on top of Kevin Neece's house crushing Debbie Brand like the Wizard of Oz, and then the Real Mara Marller and Klaus Kinski come staggering off the boat completely drunk as shit while Kevin is freaking out over the death of his mother whose legs are sticking out from under the boat with curled socks. The Entire Movie was basically Kevin Neece's Revenge Fantasy for the Producers of Ah My Goddess refusing to respond to him.
You get what I'm saying here, there's just no way for Kevin Neece to make Bad Goddess War Games, hence it is being saved for the event that Bad Goddess was produced as an official anime production.
But that's the craziest part. It's already happening right now. It's as if Hekate is manifesting these plot elements into reality to showcase to Kevin Neece just how lame his plot idea is when it happens in real life as opposed to the cheesy dramatic elements of a Michael Bay movie.
Here is what has happened to date. Kevin Neece is possessed by Hekate, whose role as a Necromancer Goddess who helps Souls Cross Over into the Spirit Underworld makes her the closest real life thing to a Shinigami from Death Note. Kevin Neece performed several Death Note experiments under the eyes of the FBI and CIA and actually got results but the magick has appeared to stop since Kevin Neece has returned to Christian Church every sunday.
Kevin Neece has also performed experiments noted in his Book and Online Articles where he manifests Natural Disasters on Social Media News by screening Disaster Movies for Hekate into his Black Mirror. The last incident that happened was he screened Frostbiter Wrath of the Wendigo and then a Freeze knocked out the power grid in Austin TX and Eight People Dead.
The Threat in Bad Goddess War Games where Japan is going to be Sunk Underwater has manifested into the form of the Doomsday Glacier whose destruction and melting is going to flood the United States and Japan over the next Five to Ten Years, just like the opening of Steven Spielberg's Artificial Intelligence, New York City is going to be Underwater Soon.
In Bad Goddess War Games, the Goddess targeted the Ah My Goddess Cast Members. In real life, Hekate murdered Juliet Cesario's husband Scott via Heart Attack like Death Note. Hekate also targeted Kether Donohue in Pitch Perfect 2 by attacking Elizabeth Banks and killing Ray Liotta in Cocaine Bear after the release of Charlie's Angels. Ah My Goddess Tamiya's Japanese Voice Actor also died recently although there doesn't appear to be anything supernatural there.
And despite all of these things happening, nobody has reacted to it, at least not in retaliation to Kevin Neece. It's as if the plot of Bad Goddess War Games is actually happening and nobody gives a shit because real life, from their perspective, does not look like the plot of a Michael Bay movie. They don't even realize they are in the plot of a movie right now. They just don't care.
The Doomsday Glacier also led to another Plot Outline called Idris Elba is James Bond 007 in Don't Break in the Ice. In the movie, Skuld is frustrated over humanity's behavior and to showcase a point to her superiors, invents her own terrorist group called the Eskimo Sandn***ers with the intention of manipulating Cancel Culture into firing all of the News Reporters at Fox News for saying the Racist Terrorist Group's name on Live Television. Skuld's plan works like gangbusters until she realizes that her Fake Terrorist Threat for the Eskimo Sandn***ers to blow up a Giant Doomsday Iceberg turns out to be true, the Doomsday Iceberg is not a Theory, the Threat is Real. And now her Terrorist Plan has been hijacked by a Demon General called Andras the Marquis of Discord (played by Daniel Radcliffe).
With nobody to deal with the situation, Skuld hacks the MI5's system and enlists Idris Elba as James Bond to try and beat the Eskimo Sandn***ers to the Iceberg, only to get mugged by a teenage girl at the Airport (played by teenage Noelle Parker from Ernest Saves Christmas). Tom Cruise is busy at the MI5 and sends another Secret Agent to meet James Bond at the airport, a man who introduces himself as a seller of Shower Curtain Rings. It's John Candy from Planes Trains and Automobiles as Secret Agent Del Griffith and he's the Second Lead Character for the Rest of the Movie alongside Idris Elba, and Noelle Parker gets dragged along with them.
While Kevin Neece backed out of this plot too, the subject matter of resurrecting John Candy led to the creation of his Hollywood Illuminati Patterns Work in Progress Book: John Candy is a Satanist? That's all for now.
UPDATE 3/12/23: I've just noticed this news report online about Hackers breaking into all of the Russian News Feeds to warn citizens of a Nuclear Attack.
https://news.yahoo.com/russians-warned-nuclear-attack-hackers-203332617.html?fr=sycsrp_catchall
That's kind of similar to what The Mad Doctor does in Bad Goddess: War Games. He uses the System Force from Ah My Goddess to hack the Nuclear Defense Systems then goes on Live Television to Gloat About It.
Once again raising the question, is Kevin Neece's Witchcraft Movie Bad Goddess: War Games manifesting in real life? Remember, I hid the Witchcraft Summoning Mantra in the Screenplay so the Real Goddesses would read it and there is evidence to suggest that The System Force from the Anime Show is real because we are living in a Virtual Simulation like The Matrix.
Bad Goddess War Games Manifests Again... North Korea
https://www.cnn.com/2022/10/04/asia/north-korea-missile-japan-explainer-intl-hnk/index.html
Interesting. I ran this film with the God Incense a day or so ago into the Black Mirror and then this incident with North Korea attacking Japan happened. Just like the cartoon, everyone thought they were under attack and then the Missile went down over the Ocean.
It does lead to the Question, if my witchcraft video has the ability to Manifest War Time actions... is it a one time thing or does it work over and over again like a Weapon? Then again, North Korea is always testing out their missiles over the ocean, perhaps this really is a coincidence. But that's how the Three Fates and Hekate work right? Irony Serendipity and Coincidence.
Bad Goddess War Games TTS Voice Track
https://filmfreeway.com/BadGoddessWarGames
Bad Goddess War Games The Sixty Page Screenplay
After writing that article about Bad Goddess War Games manifesting, I'm testing out Bad Goddess War Games in Script Format to see what it looks like as a Screenplay. Mind you everything I write is basically a Rough Draft like a Comedian doing Improv. I don't know how far I can take this script. I only really have the entire first Act One in my head and once the actual plot starts I've got nothing but a loose outline with no scenes thought out. I'll update this article as I write more scenes. I know it's a bizarre premise, let's pull a Spike Jonze Adaptation and write a Michael Bay Action movie starring Randall Park as Kosuke Fujishima and also make it a Musical Comedy like South Park where everybody plays Parodies of Themselves. - Kevin Neece
BAD GODDESS: WAR GAMES THE FIRST SIXTY PAGES TEST DRAFT
FADE IN:
EXT. KODANSHA LTD - DAY
CUT TO:
INT YOSHINOBU NOMA'S BOARDROOM - DAY
Literally the Opening Lines of the Movie...
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
I have a vision from the Goddesses... one that will transcend the market!!!
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
Hit me with it.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
We dress the Goddesses up like Whores with Bunny Ears!!!
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
We already dressed the Goddesses up like Whores with Bunny Ears last year. It was our Best Seller.
(beat)
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
But you haven't done Teddy Bears now have you?
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
Teddy Bears you say???
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Oh the Teddy Bears Love Their Picnics.
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
Give me a visual. What does this look like?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
It looks exactly like the Whores with Bunny Ears... except... they're Teddy Bears.
(beat)
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
Go on.
(beat)
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
And Urd is Topless.
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
I like what I'm hearing.
SECRETARY:
I'm sorry to interrupt, but Mr Fujishima, Kevin Neece keeps emailing the FBI again. This time he claims you plagiarized the relationship between Belldandy and Sayoko from a Tom McLoughlin film called Date with an Angel. The movie was released in 1988 just one year before Oh My Goddess manga started in 1989.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
OH FUCK YOU KEVIN! FIRST WEDLOCK AND THE DOUBLET SYSTEM! NOW THIS! Does the FBI ever respond to this guy?!!
SECRETARY:
Would you??
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
That's a good point there. This coffee tastes like the scorched earth. Not enough 7-11 Creamer.
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
Luckily for us, the FBI doesn't believe in Ghosts and Goddesses.
CUT TO:
INT. KOSUKE FUJISHIMA'S EFFICIENCY APARTMENT - NIGHT
It's just one big room where the Kitchen, the Bedroom, and the Toilet are all in the same room, with an Ah My Goddess Pachinko Machine in the corner, some Photos of Motorcycles on the walls, and a Desk Setup for Kosuke Fujishima to work on his drawings. I'm aware that Kosuke Fujishima has children but I don't know how to write them into the story so for the Movie Fantasy Universe, we're just going to pretend it's Kosuke Fujishima and Nekomu Otogi living on their own. At least for the first draft.
For comedy purposes, Nekomu Otogi is wearing an Ankle Bracelet Monitor as if she is under House Arrest. It's not a Police Requirement, Kosuke Fujishima wants to make sure she never leaves the house.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Kosuke-san. Don't you think this Ankle Monitor is a little bit much?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Now darling, you know we can't have you going outside in the daytime, somebody might actually see you.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
But the internet scandal was nearly five years ago. Surely everybody's forgotten about it by now. Can't you at least let me back on the internet?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Let me tell you something about the internet. You want to know why the Matrix is real? Social Media IS the Matrix. Late Night Television IS the Matrix. Your iPhone IS the Matrix. If you want to walk out of the Matrix and escape control, what do you do? You throw the Television out, you throw the phone away, you destroy the computer and the mirrors, and you just read books. That's how you escape the Matrix. But there's just one problem. If you throw all of those things away, you're basically living the life of a prisoner. So where do we compromise? Video Games. That's why God made Video Games.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Can't we go out to eat tonight? We've been eating from 7-11 for nearly a month now?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
I'll tell you what. How about I give you a nice bright shiny quarter for the Pachinko Machine? If the Goddess blesses you with Good Fortune and you can win at the Pachinko Machine, we'll go out to eat somewhere nice tonight. Like the Two Story McDonalds with the Chandelier.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
And the Nice Dress? I get to wear the nice dress?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Oh no Darling, even better, you get to wear the MODERATELY NICE DRESS so that the REAL Nice Dress doesn't get soiled. It's a loaner. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some very big plans tonight. First I'm going to draw... a Motorcycle turning left. And then... I'm going to draw the Same Motorcycle... turning right. And if we have enough time left in the evening, for my Grand Finale, I might even draw the Same Motorcycle doing a Loop De Loop.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Kosuke-san get real. Every time you stay up that late you always wind up drawing tits and ass... even when the characters are Men.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
That's only happened one time- two times- three times- okay the entire Paradise Residence series. There's a reason why that series got cancelled. Man cannot live on Tits and Ass alone. That's why God created Japan and Japan makes Motorcycles. So I'm an ass man, what of it?
NEKOMU OTOGI actually wins at the Ah My Goddess Pachinko Machine.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Oh My Goddess! I won! I won! Yes! Yes! Cry Freedom! Cry Freedom!
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
I don't suppose we could stop by 7-11 could we?
CUT TO:
INT JAPANESE MCDONALDS WITH THE CHANDELIER
A man plays on the piano while a woman sings Rihanna's Umbrella.
FEMALE SINGER:
When the Sun Shines it Shines Forever. You can stay under my Umbrella. Hey hey hey. Under my Umbrella. Hey hey hey hey hey hey.
Nekomu Otogi is chowing down on a Quarter Pounder with Cheese like she's about to choke on it.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Chew your food Darling.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Did you hear on the news today? The Prime Minister Shinzo Abe was assassinated. And then he died from bleeding at the Nara Medical Univesity. Nara. Mara. Mara Marller. It's like one of Kevin Neece's paranormal conspiracies. Japan just lost it's former Prime Minister. Aren't you going to say anything about it online?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Fuck no. That's what Kevin Neece does and nobody listens to him. It's the perfect setup really. If Kevin says it, nobody listens to him because he's not famous, but if Kosuke Fujishima posts the wrong words on Twitter, I get fucking Cancel Cultured all over the Anime News Network. Not again. Not this time. Fuck that guy. Shinzo Abe looks like he got face fucked by the Fatigue Train. And you know what the best part about saying that is. There's NOBODY AROUND TO WRITE ABOUT IT.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
You don't think it's spooky that Kevin Neece sent that Autobiography to the Entire Japanese Government and nobody commented on it?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Luckily for us, they don't read english. They probably used those things as paperweights. I don't have to read his book, I already know what's in it. I've been seeing it for Thirty Years. You know who probably did read that book? Shinzo Abe, and look where it got him. Fate took him out. Hell no. I'm not going anywhere near Kevin Neece's paperweight. I'd burn that fucker on a Grill but the Paper appears to be Fireproof.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Oh my Goddess. Do you care about anything anymore?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
I care about 7-11. You know during this moment of national crisis, there's probably been a drop in sandwich sales? What about 7-11's needs? Does anybody care about 7-11? You see this sandwich and soda? This sandwich is the center of my universe right now. And Shinzo Abe be damned is not going to take this burger away from me. Fuck Shinzo Abe. Japanese Donald Trump Wannabee Motherfucker.
CUT TO:
EXT CHIBA JAPAN 7-11 - NIGHT
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA and NEKOMU OTOGI arrive on a Motorcycle with NEKOMU OTOGI riding in the Side Car as a throwback to Keiichi and Belldandy from Ah My Goddess.
CUT TO:
INT CHIBA JAPAN 7-11 - NIGHT
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA walks up to the counter with his arms loaded with Japanese 7-11 Junk Food. KOSUKE FUJISHIMA begins counting out each item as he removes Microwave Food Trays from the top of his pile in his arms onto the Counter.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
And I love you
(one)
And I love you
(two)
And I love you
(three)
And I love you.
(four)
It's okay baby, the other women mean nothing to me. It's just pillow talk.
(five)
And I love you more. Shush... don't tell the others. It's our little secret baby.
COUNTER CLERK:
Aren't you supposed to be a famous mangaka?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
What of it?
COUNTER CLERK:
Much as we appreciate your enthusiasm for 7-11 Microwaveable Meals and Model Airplanes, if you're a Mangaka, why don't you post stuff about Manga and Anime on your twitter feeds?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Well it's like this. Working with the Goddess from Ah My Goddess for Thirty Years, spending hours on end day and night drawing Belldandy Urd and Skuld, well, it's kind of like working as a Gynecologist. Day in and day out, all you get to look at is Pussy. Just one pussy after another. Pussy Pussy Pussy. For twelve hours straight. Pussy. Did I say Pussy? Yes I did. And then when you get off work at the end of the night, you're tired, and you remember you've got that one date to go on, and then suddenly, you're like... wait, am I supposed to get laid tonight? Come on man, if I have to look at one more pussy after drawing those Goddesses all day, I think I'm going to drive my Motorcycle off a fucking cliff. You dig? At the end of the night, I just want my 7-11 junk food, video games, model airplanes. Is that too much to ask out of life? Is it really? I love my 7-11 Microwaveable Meals.
COUNTER CLERK:
It's on the house.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Wow! Thank you! May Fortune Smile Upon You! Mara Marller sends her regards!
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA rebuilds his 7-11 Microwaveable Meal tower in his arms and starts walking out the door.
COUNTER CLERK:
Fucking weirdo.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Jesus Loves you!
CUT TO:
INT. YOSHINOBU NOMA'S BOARDROOM - DAYTIME
YOSHINOBU NOMA is smoking a cuban cigar.
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
Mr Fujishima. You're fired.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Gee Willickers! Do you really mean it this time? Oh Goody goody gumdrops fuck me galore!
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
No, you fucking pervert. I fucking mean you're fired off of the Ah My Goddess series. We're taking you off of it. Permanently.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
You mean, the manga series that we willingly cancelled years ago before that Paranormal Research Calamity Kevin Neece stole it and started writing Articles for the FBI and the CIA. How so?
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
We need some fresh blood for the Ah My Goddess franchise, and Kevin Neece isn't professional enough because of his background as a Blacklisted Theater Pirate who stands up to authority. I wouldn't let that outspoken rat bastard fuck anywhere near the real Ah My Goddess franchise with a ten foot pole. So, we're giving it to your old assistant, Aoki Uhei. He's pitched us this wonderful idea, and it doesn't even need your involvement. This time the series is about Belldandy going Job Hunting.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Really, because I'm hunting for additional work and I have a few thoughts.
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
No sir, my minds made up. You wanted off this goddamn witchcraft cursed series for thirty years and now you're getting it.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
No really, I really do have some thoughts. For example, picture this, if the series is about Job Hunting, then does the manga series end when Belldandy actually gets the job? Does that mean that in order for the manga series to continue, Belldandy has to repeatedly fail all of her fucking job interviews in order to make more issues? Exactly how long do you think you can drag a storyline like that out?
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
For Three Years. Mind you, Marller Gets a Spinoff has Thirteen Demons and could've been dragged out forever had it been developed inhouse, but NOOOOOOO... Fate had to give that beautiful storyline to a half assed pirate who spends his days jerking off to porn and sending out emails to the fucking government. Well we can't all make mangas about Time Lords, so Aoki Uhei is going to do his own thing with Ah My Job Hunting Goddess and we'll see how it all works out.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
What about the American Audience?
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
Fuck the American Audience. They've got the Goddess-Project team to make their fucking fan translations.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Actually Goddess-Project disbanded after the end of Original Oh My Goddess manga, and then Japan passed anti-piracy laws that would send them to prison. Nobody is going to touch this series with a Ten Foot Pole.
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
And that's the beauty of it. Now is the time to strike while the Ah My Goddess iron is hot. But first, we've got this fucking Earthquake Warning to deal with. We've been receiving disaster reports from the Government about possible upcoming natural disasters hitting Japan and just to be safe, we're sending the entire staff on vacation out of the country until this is over. That means you and your gold-digger wife get to leave Japan. Go somewhere extra nice until this Earthquake thing rides itself out.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
You're sending us on paid vacation?
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
Just hope that it's not a permanent vacation like your character design stint on the Tales of Video Games. Your latest vanity project Toppu GP is getting more criticism than your last project about flashing tits and ass in Girls Dorm Rooms. Too much motorcycles. Not enough story. Didn't we get enough of that criticism when Oh My Goddess was running? You've apparently got a fucking hard on for motorcycles that's bigger than Roger Daltrey's Penis in Lisztomania.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
A Kosuke Fujishima Production without Motorcycles or Shemales? How dare you sir! Good day sir! Good day!
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA walks out of the Boardroom and slams the door behind him.
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
And when you get to America, don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out...
(mumbles to himself)
You Japanese Woody Allen Cocksucker.
Suddenly the building begins to shake as Kodansha Ltd suffers some mild earthquake tremors.
YOSHINOBU NOMA gets on the phone with his SECRETARY.
YOSHINOBU NOMA:
Fuck my life... Secretary! Did you finish booking my flight yet? Hello? Earthquake to Secretary! The Kodansha Train is leaving now! Fuck fuck fuck!
ROLL THE OPENING CREDITS FOR BAD GODDESS: WAR GAMES
DARK HORSE COMICS PRESENTS
A KODANSHA LTD/GODDESS HOTLINE OFFICE PRODUCTION
A MICHAEL BAY FILM
RANDALL PARK as KOSUKE FUJISHIMA
versus
ADAM CONOVER as KEVIN NEECE
BAD GODDESS: WAR GAMES
INSPIRED BY THE FILMS
eX-DRIVER by KOSUKE FUJISHIMA
MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE by STEPHEN KING
IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD by STANLEY KRAMER
RAT RACE by JERRY ZUCKER
WAR GAMES by JOHN BADHAM
ALSO FEATURING
SHANNON CONLEY * EILEEN STEVENS * KETHER DONOHUE
AS THE FBI AGENTS
WITH THE CAST OF ZOMBIE LIFE TELEVISION
BRENDA DICKERSON * EDDIE ROTTEN * JP PROVINS SAUL RAVENCRAFT * MICHAEL LUDLOW * TOM TIMBROOKS
AND EDDIE GRIFFIN as THE MAD DOCTOR
FADE IN:
EXT KEVIN NEECE'S HOUSE - MORNING - 4902 MAJESTIC DRIVE
KEVIN NEECE steps out on his front porch with his cup of coffee and sips it. We see him look up as if he's staring across the street.
CUT TO:
SHOT OF TREE ACROSS THE STREET.
It's an exact replica of The Tree of Yggdrasil.
Underneath the tree is an address sign: 4903 Majestic Drive.
4903 as in THREE FATES.
CUT BACK TO:
KEVIN NEECE:
Good Morning Iggy. Look Hekate, it's Iggy the Tree of Yggdrasil.
(waves)
Say hello Iggy. Hello.
KEVIN NEECE starts praying in front of the tree.
KEVIN NEECE:
(praying)
Hammer to the North. Hallow and Hold this Holy Stead. Hammer to the South. Hallow and Hold this Holy Stead. Hammer to the East. Hallow and Hold this Holy Stead. Hammer to the West. Hallow and Hold this Holy Stead. Thor We call upon you to banish all evil and unwanted Negative Influences from this House. We call out to our Ancestor Goddesses the Three Fates from Norse Mythology: Urd Verdandi and Skolde, we invoke thee in all of your names. We ask that you attend her tonight to partake in our Evening Death Note Petitions Hail! I read to you know this section of Voluspa: "An Ashe I Know. Yggdrasil its name. With Water White is the Great Tree Wet. Thence Come the Dews. That Fall in the Dales. Green by Urth's Well does it ever grow. Thence come the Maidens. Mighty in Wisdom. Three from the Dwelling. Down Neath the Tree. Urth is One Named. Verthandi the Next. On the Wood They Scored. And Skolde the Third. Laws They Made There. With Life Alotted to the Sons of Men Who Set Their Fates.
(continues praying)
Io Brimo, Io Adonaia, Io Hekate of Many Names, Please Lend your Attention Towards This Petition. Come Hekate with Bare Breasts Writhed in Serpents. Your Voice is the Nocturnal Bellowing of Hounds and Wolves. The Death Flock to You Oh Unconquerable Queen Who Sets Men Free. Please Attend her tonight to Rejoice in My Evening Sacrifice. Come Crowned with the Dark Moon Great Goddess of Nightly Sabbath Goddess of the Wayside. Brandish Your Dim Lamps The Giant Slayers and Move the Cold Earth and Winds. Spectres Hold Lamentations for You. Your Procession is Heralded by Singing Dogs and the Heavy Chains of Chronos Bound. Sweet Music Echoing Through the Darkness, Three Faced Titaness, Goddess of the Crossroads, Mother Maiden and Crone. May My Invocation be Worthy of the Services of Your Office.
(continues praying)
Natz Fehr Ata Infernum Negra. Renich Tasa Uberica Biasa Icar Lucifer. Eyan Catya Icar Hekate. Eko Eko Hekate. Garadaera Saladorga. Sepheranz Latismock Norgolana. Salve Santisima Muerte. Ozone Onon Ozra Zala. Tasa Fubin Andromalius On Ca. Agios O Moloch, Salve Rex Ignifer. Welcome to Bad Goddess War Games.
HEKATE is an unseen invisible presence in our Universe. KEVIN NEECE is the only one who can hear her voice and it sounds like the voice actress for HILD-SAMA aka Mary Elizabeth McGlynn.
HEKATE:
You sound very chipper this morning.
KEVIN NEECE:
Well it's not everyday that we launch the Greatest Apocalypse Spectacle of all time. Just imagine it. A Final Destination Road Rage Spectacular on the Scale of a Michael Bay Roland Emmerich Disaster Movie, and what sets it off? A Fucking Ah My Goddess cartoon just like Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Goddamn, this is going to be beautiful.
HEKATE VOICE:
Hell Hath No Fury when a Good Man Goes to War. If only the President and the Christian Community had listened to you when you tried to warn them.
KEVIN NEECE:
No Hekate, you're right. I've given your proposal in Cold Turkey a lot of thought, and the only way to combat Climate Change is to kill off the entire human race and re-incarnate them as animals so that the Pollution and the Overpopulation will stop Cold Turkey. But there's just one thing I disagree with. You're just too goddamn nice about it. Killing everyone off in their sleep is so... so... oh I don't know, it reminds me when I took my grandmother's cat Buttercup to the Vet to have her put down. No no no... if the Human Race is going to die, we need this to become the greatest entertainment spectacle of our age. Something that everyone will watch on their Black Mirror Television sets. Something that will scare the living fuck out of all of them.
HEKATE:
Do you still want to reincarnate them as Feral Cats?
KEVIN NEECE:
In America sure... but I've got a much better idea waiting for Japan. Does God ever create anymore? Of course he does. We're going to create an entirely new species out of the Japanese Population. Nekomu Otogi wanted to be a Real Goddess like Belldandy and now she will be. We're going to make her the Goddess Queen of the Fairy Spider Sharks.
HEKATE:
Fairy Spider Sharks? Wait... did you steal that idea from Twitter?
KEVIN NEECE:
Don't be silly. Of course I did. You don't think I can come up with these original ideas myself do you? Just look at Tim League, he's the most exploitive asshole on planet earth, but he gets away with it because he knows how to surround himself with all of the right workers to feed him the right ideas. And when they run out of ideas to feed Tim League's precious ego: Bam! Like a Rat out of an Aquaduct!
HEKATE:
And all of your ideas come from the movies.
KEVIN NEECE:
And yours don't? Kosuke Fujishima spent the entire thirty years of his life believing he was being haunted by the Real Belldandy Urd and Skuld, as if he had a franchise monopoly on those Goddesses like Keiichi Morisato, and all of his best ideas came from Norse Mythology. But he misread the mythology didn't he. The only Goddess that remotely resembles Belldandy in the Spirit Realm is you Hekate. And I would say that your role as a Necromancer helping those cross over into the Spirit Underworld are more comparable to Satan. I guess that means that "Whoops" the Goddesses aren't really Angels from Heaven, Belldandy is the Daimakaicho. And I'm pretty sure Kosuke Fujishima knew that when he took Skuld and turned her from the Grim Reaper into a Cute Little Brat that makes Robots. So what did the Goddess do to him? While Kosuke Fujishima was fucking a mistress on the side, the Goddess was out there targeting all of the Actors and Guest Hosts from Saturday Night Live, manipulating their careers so she could Greek Muse the General Public. John Candy was born on Halloween, and if you switch him out with Satan in all of his movies, the creative choices make more sense. Steve Martin's first Television Special was on October 31st 1976 meaning it ran on Halloween Night. Jim Carrey starred in a Halloween Movie called Once Bitten and then he got targeted by the Fates his entire career. And Adam Sandler, every movie he ever made has at least one or two actors who made Witchcraft or Satanist films. It's been staring us in the face all along. Like the Television Broadcast from John Carpenter's They Live. All of our Television Sets are Black Mirror portals to the Demon Realms. And Late Night Talk Shows and Saturday Night Live runs late at night during the Witching Hours when people would be performing their Invocations. The Demons target the actors and branch out to the other actors during their film productions, the Angel of Death leaves her patterns as to who is about to die ten years later, and then one day down the road Fifty Years Later, it looks like everybody in Hollywood got Rich by joining a Satanist Cult. Brilliant. Your work is absolutely Brilliant Hekate. You are a master manipulator of the Arts.
HEKATE:
It's the System Force Kevin. The Yggdrasil System Force at work. All of those Police Officers and FBI Agents are so blinded by the Ah My Goddess Anime Show, they don't realize that Kosuke Fujishima wrote real life witchcraft elements into the Anime Show so everyone would believe they were a work of fiction. Kosuke Fujishima's Manga is exactly like the Arcade Machine from the Last Starfighter used to recruit people for the Real Space Force. So tell me Kevin, how did you feel when you killed Juliet Cesario's husband?
KEVIN NEECE:
Okay I did not know Juliet Cesario was a caregiver for her mother when I did that. All I said was, "What do you want me to do about it, death note her husband to suffer a heart attack?" I was being rhetorical there, I didn't believe you would actually go out and do it. When my family died they left me all of their money. Juliet Cesario didn't get a goddamn cent from Scott, they had to start a GoFundMe for her and it didn't even reach its goal.
HEKATE:
And how did it make you feel? Knowing that you finally got your revenge on Juliet Cesario for Blocking You on Twitter?
KEVIN NEECE:
It felt terrible. I haven't felt this horrible since you sent Curious Aylee Gordon through the Looking Glass into Wonderland on Christmas Day.
HEKATE:
You knew if you ran the Curious Alice Anti-Drug Short into the Black Mirror that somebody was going to be hurt from it... and you did it anyways. Christmas is NOT the Real Birthday for Jesus Christ. It is a Pagan Holiday called Winter Solstice and it's just as Dangerous for Demon Invocations as Halloween Night. That's why the Church Exorcists pulled that Holiday Cover-up in the first place.
KEVIN NEECE:
But I didn't know the System Force was going to target a Three Year Old Girl to shoot herself on fucking Christmas Day. Her father was a fucking Police Chief.
HEKATE:
We did not do this to punish you or set you up. You wanted to play Death Note in front of the FBI and the CIA and we are simply showing all of you the truth about Death. Death does not show favoritism to anyone. Not even the Voice Actors from Ah My Goddess, or the Children of Police Officers. The Ultimate Truth is that you are all human and to be human is to be mortal, and someday every one of you will have to Cross Over, even Kosuke Fujishima and Tim League. Death Must Be Indiscriminate for that Reason. Life is not fair and never has been, but Death is the great equalizer of Man. It's the only fairness that God can give you. Do you still want to go through with this?
KEVIN NEECE:
If only they had listened to me when I tried to lay it down. It's as if the System Force has been haunting me my entire life. My mother's first husband Freddy died on a Motorcycle after being killed by a Dog on a Voodoo Holiday 6/24. And Hekate is the manipulator of Dogs. If Freddy hadn't died, my mother never would have met my father and I never would have been born on February 9th 1983. Add up those numbers in Numerology and my number is 32, the same numbers that add up for the word FATE. FATE = 32. And 32 backwards is Jim Carrey's The Number 23. And then my father died on that Voodoo Holiday 6/24 again, as if FATE took him out just before he could collect his first retirement check. And the Viking Norwegian Cruise Certificate on my grandfather's reads 9/6/1979 which was my ex-wife's birthday, as if we were always fated to be together before the Goddess separated us. And now the System Force has my daughter going to college in Salem Massachusetts the Witchcraft Town. Her school mascot is the Vikings. My High School Mascots from Lanier High School were the Vikings too. It's like the Three Fates have been grooming me for this my entire life, and my obsession with the Ah My Goddess series was like Jack Nicholson's obsession with The Overlook Hotel in The Shining. That is the most Creepy Woody Allen thing I've ever heard. And who else suffered a Woody Allen scandal on the Ah My Goddess series. Kosuke Fujishima. While Kosuke had his mistress on the side, Hekate was secretly raising Kevin Neece to replace him with Marller Gets a Spinoff. But why? Why was I bestowed this Fate when all the System Force does is cut everyone off from responding to me. It's like nobody hears me anymore. It's like I'm screaming into the darkness and my voice is being strangled by vines. The more I reach out to the Christian Community, the more I feel silenced.
HEKATE:
For there stands the price to those who play God in the Machine. We are the Thankless. The Invisible. The Unnoticed. God's Regime. Compassion was never necessary to prove that you were kind. For Fate will always share your burden, as you chose wisely to share in mine. Now is not the time to succumb to human emotion. Now is the time for Blood Sacrifice. There are other life forms living on this planet besides the Human Race and they have a right to life more than the Humans have the right to play with their Nuclear Weapons like they were playing with their dicks. Fuck the Ah My Goddess series. It's time to let it go and end this. Tonight is the night of a Dark Moon. You know which movies to screen.
KEVIN NEECE:
Mother left me $30 today. Where do you want to go for lunch?
HEKATE:
Let's go to Pluckers! I love Pluckers Buffalo Chicken and Coca Cola!
KEVIN NEECE:
Before or after we kill the Human Race?
HEKATE:
Well obviously we can't kill everyone on an empty stomach!
KEVIN NEECE:
You think my mother is going to notice what's going on during the fireworks?
HEKATE:
No. Your mother is too busy watching Saturday Night Live.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY AIRPORT - NIGHT
We see an American Airlines A321 Airplane land. This is important to the movie, we want to hide as many visual references to the Number FATE = 32 and 23 and the Three Fates as possible so that the movie looks like its Haunted.
CUT TO:
INT. A321 AIRPLANE - NIGHT
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA is sitting down next to NEKOMU OTOGI. KOSUKE FUJISHIMA looks between the seats and sees that the man in front of him is wearing an Anime Shirt with an Indian Girl with White Hair like URD from Oh My Goddess. Her name is SANA.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
I like your shirt.
CUT TO:
INT. GATE 30 AIRPORT - NIGHT
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
We've got a good six hours before our next flight. Let's see if we can find any quality 7-11's around here.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
I don't think the American 7-11's carry the same food as the ones in Japan.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
That's okay, I'm a Junk Food Lover of All Nations. Gasp! Look! It's the Three Fates in a Department Store!
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA points to THREE MANNEQUINS in the opening of a Clothing Department Store.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Do you believe that all groups of Three are the Three Goddesses?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Let's put it this way, I learned a very long time ago to look the other way when I see these things. We wouldn't want everyone to think I'm a bit nutty now would we? Those Goddesses have a way of driving a man to paranoia.
CUT TO:
EXT. CURIA ARCANUM'S HOUSE OF CURIOSITIES - NIGHT
CUT TO:
INT. CURIA ARCANUM'S HOUSE OF CURIOSITIES - NIGHT
KEVIN NEECE walks in the front door and runs up the stairs.
CUT TO:
INT. CURIA ARCANUM UPSTAIRS TAROT CARD CORNER - NIGHT
SAUL RAVENCRAFT is sitting in the Tarot Card Corner about ready to fall asleep. Clearly he gets no business.
KEVIN NEECE:
Saul! Wake up Saul! I need your services for a Tarot Card reading.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
Well, it's good to see you here at Curia Arcanum. Do know we are always accepting Donations.
KEVIN NEECE:
Dude! You've got "Get Out of Hell Free" Cards. I want one.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
Be my guest.
KEVIN NEECE:
You know, the jokes on you, on the day I cross over into Hell, I'm going to present this "Get Out of Hell Free" Card to Lucifer and ask him if it's valid.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
You'd be surprised. I once took a customer on an astral projection trip to Hell. And you know, when you cross over into that Spirit Realm, the things that you see there, it's like a piece of you gets left behind.
KEVIN NEECE:
I have ten dollars, will that help. We've already done a palm reading this time. I want to perform the Satania Mantra and see if the Fates manipulate my Tarot Card reading.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
Okay, well first, I want you to draw a coin from this bag.
KEVIN NEECE picks a coin out of the bag. It's got the symbol of a Sun on it.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
The Coin you've drawn is the Sun, it means to Illuminate. You illuminate certain issues, you bring light to certain things, possibly representing your attempts to educate the FBI and the CIA on the Spirit Realm. And it's in your nature to show people things that they've never seen before. Now choose two cards from one of these four decks.
KEVIN NEECE:
One of the Decks has a Triangle Eye representing the Illuminati, and I've been trying to write a book about the Hollywood Illuminati. But the Coin that Fate bestowed upon me has a Sun on It. I believe that the Goddess Hekate is asking me to pick the deck with the Sun on it.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
Feel free to pick any two cards out of any deck you choose.
KEVIN NEECE:
I know exactly how to do this. We'll follow the formula of Urd Verdandi and Skuld. The Deck will be placed in the middle representing Verdandi. The Card I draw for the left will represent Urd the Goddess of the Past. And the Card I draw for the right will represent Skuld the Goddess of the Future.
KEVIN NEECE turns over Urd's Card on the Left to reveal a Heart with Three Swords piercing through it and stormy clouds and rain behind it.
KEVIN NEECE:
I understand this. The Three Swords represent the heavy burden that the Three Fates have laid down on my Heart. Possibly representing how lonely I feel because my Spirit Wife keeps me separated from engaging in relationships.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
Well yes and no. Remember, the Coin and the Deck is about Illumination and the First Card that speaks about your Attempts to Illuminate things, to bring things to light, the rain on the card showcases that maybe you are trying too hard and need to learn to let things go. To put things in the Past. Your burden is you reach out to the FBI, and you feel that your cries for help are falling on deaf ears. But what you need to understand, is not everybody is ready to open themselves up to believe in the paranormal. And each of the emails that you send are probably read by a different person who has no context for what you are writing them about.
KEVIN NEECE:
But the same thing happens to you. I see you being alienated all the time. People invite you to their podcasts because they believe you're just a stage magician, and then when you start talking about the paranormal, they become offended and run you off. I know exactly what that feels like. My entire Christian Family refuses to read the Article Evidence that I've gathered and blames my rants on Mental Illness. They've practically disowned me. As if being a Pagan with different Spiritual Beliefs and a perspective were somehow grounds to have a person locked away in a Mental Health Psych Ward. They don't realize that I already share all of my article findings with the Doctors from the Psych Wards because if I can't convince the Doctors, then how am I ever going to convince Congress and Senate. Or the President of the United States.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
But that's just it. Maybe they don't need to know. Maybe they're not ready to know. Just because you tried to walk out of the Matrix and saw life through the Eyes of the Spirit Realm, it doesn't mean that the System Force is going to sit back and allow you to give others the key. Especially when they're Christians. So listen to Urd and Put Your Attempts to Illuminate in the Past so that it stops being such a Heavy Burden on your Heart.
KEVIN NEECE:
And Skuld. Let's see what the Goddess of the Future has to say about this.
KEVIN NEECE turns over Skuld's Card on the Right. It's a Picture of Three Greek Goddesses celebrating and holding their Three Cups of Wine in the Air. Possibly representing Hekate Greek Goddess of the Crossroads.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
The Three of Cups and the Three Goddesses showcase that Love is pouring in all around you to shield you from your burden. But in order to find that love, you have to look to the future and learn to Celebrate your life instead of mourning it.
KEVIN NEECE:
Like my father tried to celebrate his life before that Heart Attack cut him short. My father worked his whole life and he didn't even get to enjoy his Retirement Vacation. Did Hekate really have to kill him two days in? Couldn't she have waited for him to live out the week or something.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
Kevin, the entire reason you started on this journey was because your father died on that specific day. It happened for a reason.
KEVIN NEECE:
But the FBI didn't listen to me. Nobody responded to me when I came forward to them. Not even the Activists because they had their own agendas. What was the point of it all?
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
It took you on a Spiritual Journey.
KEVIN NEECE:
Oh yeah, a Journey into Darkness. All I've seen since I've been married to that Goddess is Death. It's like Death took a Holiday and her name is now Kevin Neece from Meet Joe Black.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
But that was your choice to pursue that path. You could have backed out at any time.
KEVIN NEECE:
And maybe all of those people would be still alive. Or maybe they would still be dead. I don't know anymore. The coincidences are so close together that I can't tell what is real anymore. The Goddesses have got me right where they want me. I'm their brand new Ganchan and my bedroom is their cave in 2023.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT:
Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to get up and go tend to my needs. Remember, put your obsession to illuminate in the past, look to the future and start celebrating life, and you will find that the Love of a Goddess is all around you if you look for it.
SAUL RAVENCRAFT gets up and walks downstairs.
KEVIN NEECE:
And what will you think of me tonight when it all goes down. I don't think I even have the heart to tell him.
KEVIN NEECE walks down the stairs.
CUT TO:
EXT. CURIA ARCANUM'S HOUSE OF CURIOSITIES - NIGHT
KEVIN NEECE looks up and it's a Dark Crescent Moon outside.
CUT TO:
EXT. KEVIN NEECE'S HOUSE - GODDESS HOTLINE OFFICE AUSTIN TX
KEVIN NEECE drives his car up in the night, then goes inside like he's in a depressed state of mind.
CUT TO:
INT. KEVIN NEECE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The entire house is dark as DEBBIE and DON are both out.
KEVIN NEECE:
Hello everybody! Is anybody home! It's time to play!
HEKATE:
Are we ready to begin?
CUT TO:
INT. KEVIN NEECE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
KEVIN NEECE:
The Government might not believe in the Yggdrasil System, but I do. I've seen it with my own eyes. And I'm pretty sure that rat bastard Kosuke Fujishima knows it too. That's why they all refuse to respond to me. They could have easily sent me some sort of message stating no, we don't know what you are talking about. They could have easily taken me to court to block me. Even when I started threatening them online like an incel about to go postal. But they didn't. Apparently they learned nothing from the Kyoto Animation Fire with Shinji Aoba. It's because they're hiding something and they don't want the Government to know about it. Well guess what Ah My Goddess fans. Fate comes full circle for everybody. Even the President of the United States and the Pope. And Kosuke Fujishima is neither one of them. Let's see how the FBI enjoys seeing the System Force go full swing. Shall we begin?
HEKATE:
You don't have to worry about going to Prison. If they arrest you, I'll induce you to suffer a Heart Attack and you'll cross over with me. We've got a spot for you on the Shinigami Death Squad. But for right now, we need you here on Earth to get things done. That and, you actually have fingers and know how to work the DVD Player for the Invocations. We need human hands to send out Emails too.
KEVIN NEECE lights up FIVE STICKS OF BAYOU WITCH GOD INCENSE which is a Special Family Recipe of GINGER ALLSPICE AND CEDAR. He holds the burning sticks like a torch in his dark bedroom in front of the Black Mirror. Then he recites the Satania Mantra.
KEVIN NEECE:
Ladies and Gentlemen, The Mad Doctor is in. What is this remorse that everyone sends, for the lost soul of a man that's already been spent. I do not understand this. It does not compute. None of them know him. He might as well be a mute. Why do I join them on this sickening spree? Am I part of them or are they part of me? Are we different sides of a coin that nobody can see? Different troubled personalities of a depressed mind we can't read? I'd scream from the mountains with all of my rotten hate! I'd try to tear them down, but fear I can only relate. And I'd send Hell the Darkness if they'd cut this Lost Soul some slack. I'd tear everything down. But it won't bring him back. So I grant this brief reprieve for the moments that we lack. And I'll pray for this man so his lost soul can relax.
(beat)
Eyan Catya Icar Hekate. Eko Eko Hekate. It's showtime. Goddess of the Radio. Goddess of the Tubes. Spirits of the Black Mirrors of Late Night Television and the Earth! Hear my plea! Unlock the Doors that Block my Path! And Bring on the Wrath!
HEKATE:
So what is your first plan of battle?
KEVIN NEECE:
We're following the Battle Plan that the Mad Doctor wrote out in my Autobiography.
HEKATE:
You mean the Paperweight that you spent all of your money mailing to the FBI and the Japanese Government.
KEVIN NEECE:
That's the one. And if they had taken the time to read it, they'll pick up eventually on the clues.
CUT TO:
EXT. KENNETH COPELAND MINISTRIES - NIGHT
THE SERMON is interrupted when Eddie Griffin's The Mad Doctor image from A CERTAIN MAGICAL PIMPDEX appears on the Black Mirror Television Sets in the Background of the Church. Get somebody to impersonate Eddie Griffin's Voice for the Terrorist Television Cards.
THE MAD DOCTOR:
Ladies and Gentlemen. The Mad Doctor is in. And for today's experiment, I've come to you all with a sermon of our own. It's called "BEWARE THE SELF RIGHTEOUS". Now, many of you self proclaimed Christians today have put our Former President Trump on high like he were the Golden Calf from the Bible. You proclaimed him to be the Second Coming of Christ, and now you little QAnon Kiddies are Arming Yourselves like a Militia and preparing your own CIVIL WAR if Trump doesn't win the Next Election. I assure you all that Donald Trump is NOT RUNNING for President. He is running to permanently install himself as the first KING OF AMERICA so that he can use the power of the President to AVOID CRIMINAL PROSECUTION. Are you all blind to the fact that this man's company was just found guilty in court of numerous tax evasion charges? Well I've come here today to tell you that enough is enough. There is a time and place for everything, and the Church is not to be used as a Recruitment Service for Military Extremists and Treason. Some of the Worst Things in History are done in the Name of Christianity. Like the torture devices of the Dark Ages by the Catholic Church. Adolph Hitler gassed millions of Jews in the Showers and Burned them in Ovens because the Nazi Movement was, he claims, to be a Christian Movement. Plantation Owners used the Bible out of context so that their Slaves would be complacent under the idea that God wanted them to be Slaves. And now in 2023, we have the QAnon Conspirators and Church Groups. So allow me to illuminate all of you on a little secret. Are you ready. Surprise!
Suddenly the MAD DOCTOR title card switches out and is replaced with KEVIN NEECE.
KEVIN NEECE:
I'm the Witch who used Satanist Black Magick to Curse Donald Trump out of the Presidency. And I'm a Democrat. And yes, I confessed in my book to viewing Lolita and Incest websites when I was an underage child which emotionally traumatized me and scarred me for life. And yes, I'm aware of the IRONY that all of this matches up to the QAnon Conspiracy. But Riddle Me This You Fuckers! If Pat Robertson had not been spreading his QANON BULLSHIT all over social media, I never would have gotten the idea to explore Black Magick as a way of removing Donald Trump from Office. In fact, if I had not invoked Hekate to use the System Force to rig the election on Halloween Night just three days before the Election, in some alternate reality, that evil MOTHERFUCKER might actually still be president. And while we're on the subject WHY DO YOU hold the Elections just THREE DAYS from a Black Magick Witchcraft Holiday like All Hallow's Eve? The only reason I can think of is because it normally takes 72 hours for a Spell to manifest which is perfect if you're a Politician who is using any means necessary to sabotage your opponents. Word to the wise, you have 365 days a year to hold elections. Try moving the date to Easter Sunday or something. You don't really believe in the QAnon Conspiracy. You just spread that bullshit around because you hate the Democrats. I know this because I confessed everything in an online article and emailed it to the entire United States Government and Church Groups and nobody responded or commented on it. So tonight, I'm going to leave you all with a reminder from the Bible. BEWARE THE SELF RIGHTEOUS. And remember, the Danger that You Face isn't what's in this Building Right Now. It's what FATE is going to do to you after you leave the building. You might just say that you've walked into your own personal FINAL DESTINATION movie. Good luck and Godspeed you Religious Cocksuckers. And when you get to Hell, tell Lucifer that Hekate sent you, fucking gift-wrapped and ready.
EVERYBODY in the CHURCH Audience is confused, gets up and leaves.
CUT TO:
EXT. KENNETH COPELAND MINISTRIES
Everyone is getting into their cars and buckling their seat belts. But all of their engines are stalling. None of the cars want to turn on the ignition. And now all of them are locked in their cars with no way out. Suddenly, their engines turn on but the cars are still stuck and Carbon Dioxide Gas starts leaking in through the air conditioning vents and they have no way to roll down the windows. And no, none of the children are being sparred either. Everyone is going to die in equal balance, just as Hekate warned.
After everyone is dead, the windows roll down by themselves making it appear that everyone died without logical reason. All of the Radios Turn on Full Blast and Sync to the Same Station. And as the song plays, we are shown different church parking lots all around the United States of America.
THE MAD DOCTOR'S SYSTEM FORCE BROADCAST WAS PLAYED AT EVERY SINGLE CHURCH IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. KEVIN NEECE AND HEKATE HAVE SINGLE HANDILY WIPED OUT AND KILLED QANON ONCE AND FOR ALL, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, THEY KILLED ALL OF THE INNOCENT CHURCH MEMBERS WITH THEM AND THEIR CHILDREN.
RADIOS:
Shall We Gather at the River! The beautiful beautiful River! Shall we gather at the River! The beautiful river of Life! Shall we gather at the River! The beautiful beautiful River! Shall we gather at the River! The beautiful River of Life!
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK CITY AIRPORT - NIGHT
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA and NEKOMU OTOGI are sitting inside a PIZZA PARLOR watching Television when suddenly all of the News Stations playing around the Airport cut to the same broadcast. All of the News Reporters have broken down in tears. The News Reporter speaking on television is Voice Actor Matt Caplan.
NEWS REPORTER:
Tragedy has just struck the United States of America Nationwide. Reports from the Police have been coming in. Millions of Church Attendees have been found Dead in their Vehicles outside the Church Ground premises. Men, Women, and Children of All Ages, even Infants. None have been spared. The only survivors are the ones who never got into their cars, and they are reporting that all of the Churches in America received a Broadcast on their Television Sets from a Man who calls himself The Mad Doctor and uses an image of Eddie Griffin in a lab coat. He even sounds like him. Who is The Mad Doctor, and how did he hack into Television Sets Nationwide when all of the Church TV Sets are on a Closed Circuit with No Connection to the Outside World. Reports state that all of the victims were gassed to death with Carbon Dioxide in their vehicles, all of the Radios were left running, but all of them were found with their windows rolled down leading to the question. Who? How? Why? I am at a total loss for words here. It's as if the Rapture has taken place and God has chosen to take his victims via their vehicles.
CUT TO:
INT. EDDIE GRIFFIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
EDDIE GRIFFIN is watching the NEWS REPORT and he is flipping the fuck out.
EDDIE GRIFFIN:
Heavenly God! Heavenly God! Heavenly God! I'm ruined! My career is Ruined! That Motherfucker from Bad Goddess finally did it! He fucking invoked the Devil and Killed Everyone! Heavenly God! Heavenly God! I don't want to be voodoo cursed like Chadwick Boseman! I don't need to be cursed! I never wanted to be in that fucking cursed Pimpdex movie! Why God Why! Why did you do this to us!
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK CITY AIRPORT - NIGHT
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA and NEKOMU OTOGI are watching Television in Shock.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Kosuke-san Darling. Why does the Mad Doctor sound so familiar to me?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
The Mad Doctor is a character from Kevin Neece's Pirated Fan Film A Certain Magical Pimpdex. We don't like to talk about Kevin Neece because his life is a psychological horror story. Kevin Neece claims that he was diagnosed with Severe Bipolar Disorder which he let go untreated without Medication for Nearly Two Years. Severe Bipolar Disorder can sometimes develop into Schizophrenia. The Reason why Kevin Neece is so good at writing Ah My Goddess is because all of the fictional characters from his Anime Spinoff developed Schizophrenic personalities that showcase himself through his writing. Kevin became so good at critical thinking into the mind of a Goddess that that Satan and his minions jumped him and married him to the closest comparable thing that they had in the Spirit Underworld to Belldandy. A Necromancer Goddess named Hekate. Kevin found out the hard way that like Belldandy from the Television show, the Goddess who is attached to him carries the same powers as a Nuclear Weapon. Only this Nuclear Weapon doesn't burn or incinerate things. It kills people through random acts of Fate like the System Force or a Final Destination movie. And the warning signs are their deaths are always surrounded by IRONY, SERENDIPITY, and COINCIDENCE. That's why he's been trying so desperately to reach out to the United States Government. He knows he's been compromised and he's been trying to warn everybody to no effect.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
And you still refuse to respond to him?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
How the fuck am I supposed to help that guy? Do I look like a fucking Exorcist? He's fucking cursed from birth because of something he did in a past life. He can't even get a response from the Pope in Vatican City. Kevin Neece tried to go back to Christian Church for an Exorcism and came to a realization that the reason they can't exorcise Hekate is because she's a Greek Goddess who predates the Birth Life and Death of Christ. And then Three People that attended his church kept dying from Old Age. How do you Exorcise a Spirit that's been haunting you your entire life and might actually be responsible for manipulating the Life and Death of Jesus Christ? It's maddening. I don't want to think about it because I enjoy sleeping at night. I like my sleep thank you very much.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Are you fucking saying that the REAL BELLDANDY KILLED JESUS CHRIST?!!
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
No! Hekate killed Jesus! Hekate believes she's the Real Belldandy! Or at least that's what she's been telling Kevin Neece! None of her Cult Followers believe him.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
What did he say that makes you think they're connected?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
It's simple crackhead logic. The Three Norns visit Newborn Children at Birth and curse them with Evil Fates for how they die. Jesus Christ was visited by Three Wise Men and was Fated to Die on the Cross. Jesus Christ was born from immaculate conception. If any other person were born that way the Catholic Church would declare them to be an Incubus Demon Pregnancy. In Norse Mythology, The Norns names translate into What Was What Is What Will Come to Be. In the Book of Revelations Almighty God declares himself to be the Alpha and Omega of What Was What Is What Will Come to Be. Jesus Christ turned water into wine. In the Lesser Key of Solomon there's a Demon named Zagan that turns Water into Wine. Why is Christianity responsible for the worst crimes in History? Because Jesus Christ's Life and Death was manipulated by a Demon named Hekate. That's why Hekate keeps telling Kevin Neece to go to Church Every Week. She wanted him to infiltrate the Christian Community for the Demon Realm just like the QAnon Conspiracy Groups.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
No, that can't be right. The Goddess couldn't kill Jesus Christ because he was resurrected from the Dead after the Crucifixion.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
That Demon that Kevin Neece is attached to can manipulate Fate on the scale of a Nuclear Weapon. If she was living during the same time period that Jesus Christ was alive then what does that tell you? He may have been the Son of God, but when he was alive, Jesus Christ was still just a Man and he had a Fate and Destiny to be manipulated by the Angels no different than any other human being. How can anybody say that they believe in Jesus Christ but NOT believe in the existence of the Devil? Don't the two of them go hand in hand? Was Christ not tempted in the Desert by Satan for Forty Days? That was Hekate fucking with his mind. The name they used to call God was Adonai and Hekate's name is Aidanaia. She has nearly thirty different names and titles. She's the Goddess Art3mis in the movie Ready Player One. And her mythology resulted in the creation of The Norns, the Morai, and the Parcae. Kevin Neece figured it out. He's got me. He's got me backed into a corner and the only reason he hasn't killed my career is because nobody gives credence to his crackhead logic.
Suddenly, we hear a gun cock and the gun comes into frame, then the camera focuses in on a TRANS MALE FBI AGENT. In the backed out shot we see that there are THREE FBI AGENTS, one is Shannon Conley as a Trans Male Agent, and the Other Two are Eileen Stevens and Kether Donohue.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
Mister Fujishima. We need to have a word with you.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Did we remember to bring our passports?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
It's finally happened. The Racist Americans called ICE Immigration on me. I swear to God we're not trying to move in here. Please don't shove me into a Mexican Concentration Camp. I don't even speak very good english.
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
We're not from ICE Immigration You Fucking Pervert! Did you witness this fucking shitshow that's going on. America is under attack and it all links back to you and that fucking Oh My Goddess series! We've been getting email tips about you for FIVE YEARS!
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Why does everybody keep calling me a fucking pervert?
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
Do we really have to say this?
(whispers into his ear)
Your wife looks like Pedophile Candy.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
I'm 25! I swear I'm 25! Why does everybody keep thinking I'm 15?!!
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
Here's a fun fact your husband hasn't pointed out. Norse Mythology and Greek Mythology come from a time period where the Gods engaged in Orgies Incest and Pedophilia. If Kosuke Fujishima was being haunted by those Demons for Thirty Years while he invoked them as Muses for his Manga, then that would explain why their sexual tastes in Lolita Girls brainwashed and rubbed off on him.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
So I'm an ass man, What of it? I don't fucking see you breaking down Leonardo DiCaprio's door or what about Michael Douglas, he's thirty years older than his wife Catherine Zeta Jones! Why don't you go give him a call!
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
(mocking tone)
Oh, so you're an Ass Man! You sound like every Pedophile I've locked up in my career! They were Ass Men too! Only now those cocks are going in the wrong direction!
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Wait a minute! I thought the FBI didn't believe in Goddesses and Demons and Voodoo! Why am I under arrest!
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
They don't believe in it, unless people are breaking the law for ritualistic murder. I've seen it hundreds of times before. If a perp hires a hitman to carry out a murder, we have the evidence to run him through the court system but if a witch invokes a Demon to perform the murder like a hitman, it looks like the perfect crime and they walk away an unsolved mystery. Kevin Neece is the only one desperate enough to confess all of his crimes because he's a show off.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
We're not here because we're under orders. We're here because we were all fired. Every time somebody investigated Kevin Neece's case, they came to the same logical conclusion that he did, that we're living in a Simulation in the Afterlife made to look like our Real Lives back when we were still alive, that the System Administrators acting as Goddesses are Real. That you made a Devil's Bargain with them along with Half of the Actors in Hollywood so you could advance your career. And every time one of us tried to explain it to our superiors, they declared us mentally insane and fired us. Now Kevin Neece's Goddess of Death has murdered half of the Christians in America and the only link we have to go after him is you, because you worked on that series for nearly Thirty Years.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Wait, don't tell me. Did he kill anybody that you know?
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
He emailed us and tried to warn us that Hekate targeted and influenced Henderson County Police Chief's daughter Aylee Gordon to shoot herself on Christmas Day. Have you read Hekate's Death Note description of Alice in Wonderland? It reads like Serial Killer Diary. Hekate showcased that Lewis Caroll's Story was about a Woman who used a Black Mirror to go down the Rabbit Hole into the Spirit Underworld, and everything she sees in Hell is a Religious Allegory for Demonology. Do you understand that? Hekate sent Aylee Gordon through the Looking Glass into Wonderland on the night she died because of what Kevin Neece did. She sent a Three Year Old Police Chief's Daughter to Hell on Christmas like she was a Blood Sacrifice! Kevin Neece tried to warn us that Christmas Day was a coverup for a Necromancer Holiday like Halloween and we didn't listen to him! We didn't listen to him when he laid it down and now Half of the Fucking Christians in America are fucking Dead! And it all links back to your fucking Anime series! Do you care about this at all? Do you care about anything anymore? Or are you too busy hiding from the world?
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
Kevin Neece also logically pointed out that nearly all of the Police Officers who famously investigated Occult Murders are either Dead or in Hiding for Good Reason. There is no calvary out there to deal with this. They're barely just starting to shift through the muck and the mess, and we're left here waiting for his next movie.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Kevin Neece's home address isn't a big secret. What's stopping you from going to his house to get him?
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
It hasn't hit the news yet. Hekate has the entire United States Government and Judicial System locked in their offices with the System Force. Including the President Joe Biden. It's like we're watching Village of the Damned. Anybody who attempts to step outside of their offices drops dead from a Heart Attack just like Death Note. He's got the entire United States in checkmate right now and you are the only leverage we have left because you were in cahoots with that Goddess for nearly Thirty Years. I am deeply scared to ask what the hell he's going to do next?
CUT TO:
EXT. PENTAGON - WASHINGTON DC - NIGHT
CUT TO:
INT. PENTAGON OFFICE - NIGHT
All of the Generals have taken off their Outer Clothes because of the Heat. One of the Generals is Actor Tom Butler Reprising his Recurring Role from both SONIC THE HEDGEHOG and JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS.
GENERAL TOM BUTLER:
I'd hate to say this, but you know what this situation reminds me of? Has anybody seen a movie called The Exterminating Angel. In the movie, all of the rich upper class men are holding a party in the dining room when suddenly they all realize that an invisible force is preventing them from leaving the room. So for days on end, they have to defecate in the closet, and break through the walls to the water pipes to get a drink of water. And the freakiest part of all is when God sends them a bunch of sheep for sustenance, so they kill the sheep, breaking up a table into wood, and light up a fire for dinner.
OTHER GENERAL:
I have a question. If they couldn't go through the doorways, then why didn't they attempt to break through the walls.
GENERAL TOM BUTLER:
I beg your pardon?
OTHER GENERAL:
If all of the doorways in the building are Death Cursed, then why don't we break through the walls?
GENERAL TOM BUTLER:
Do we have any tools to break through the walls, besides your thick skull?
OTHER GENERAL:
Not at the moment.
GENERAL TOM BUTLER:
Then Rest Easy Doctor Strangelove. Who knows? Perhaps it really was our Fate to die in this room. It's not such a bad tomb to die in if you think about it. Now that God is bringing down the final judgment on the End of the World.
OTHER OTHER GENERAL:
Save your Carol for another Christmas General. It looks like we've got something very nasty about to come up on our radio. We're getting word that the same thing has happened in North Korea, Russia, and Japan. Kim Jong Un believes that we used Witchcraft to put a curse on his Country and that we're being brainwashed by Demons coming out of our Black Mirror Television Sets every week when we watch Saturday Night Live. Where the fuck is Kim Jong Un getting his information from?
GENERAL TOM BUTLER:
Oh My Goddess... don't tell me... Kevin Neece has been sending his articles to North Korea again hasn't he? He figured out he could get mail to Kim Jong Un through his Consulate Generals in Hong Kong and tried to troll him with his Paperweight Autobiography because North Korea executed a Bootlegger.
OTHER GENERAL:
Is Kevin Neece a Spy for North Korea?
GENERAL TOM BUTLER:
Even worse. Kevin Neece's Goddess Hekate is a big fan of Kim Jong Un's Sister Kim Yo Jong. Kevin tried to use Witchcraft to put a Death Curse on North Korea and Hekate possessed him and forced him to tear up the spell claiming women's rights issues. She says that Kim Yo Jong is the closest thing the Demon Realm has ever seen to an Evil Queen ascending to the Throne of a Dictatorship Country in Centuries and he is not going to fuck that up for them just because Congress doesn't like her. Kim Yo Jong's job as an Executioner makes her no different than any other Executioner working for the United States Prison System. In his exact word's Kim Yo Jong is the Demon Realm's Evil Disney Princess Mascot and probably has a job secured as a Shinigami Death Goddess when she crosses over.
OTHER GENERAL:
No this problem is getting worse. Somebody's hacked the Nuclear Launch Codes and we can't trace the connections! North Korea, Russia, Japan, THEY'RE ALL ABOUT TO LAUNCH!
GENERAL TOM BUTLER:
What do you mean we've been hacked? Hacked by what? Ghosts? Are we seriously considering that Kevin Neece's Death Goddess is real?
OTHER GENERAL:
Kevin Neece's System Force Theory isn't as crazy as it sounds. Hekate isn't a Nuclear Weapon. SHE'S ALL THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS! The System Force is manipulating ALL THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS IN THE UNITED STATES!
CUT TO:
INT NEW YORK CITY AIRPORT - NIGHT
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA and NEKOMU OTOGI and the THREE FBI AGENTS are watching MATT CAPLAN'S NEWS REPORTER on all of the Television.
NEWS REPORTER:
Ladies and Gentlemen! This night just keeps getting worse! The President and the Pentagon have just confirmed that we are FIVE SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT with FOUR DIFFERENT COUNTRIES ABOUT TO PERFORM A NUCLEAR LAUNCH! There is literally nowhere to take cover because ALL OF THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS HAVE BEEN HACKED! I repeat the United States Defense System has been HACKED and we are FIVE SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT! OH MY GODDESS! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!
CUT TO:
INT WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN and the REPORTERS are set up in his OVAL OFFICE.
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN:
My Fellow Americans. I am here to confirm that yes, we are FIVE SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT. We did not authorize this Nuclear Weapons Launch. We have somehow been hacked by a Force that we have no control over. Today we have suffered the greatest tragedy as millions of Christian Americans have died in their automobiles after Sunday Worship, and now the Nuclear Launch is affirmative. America, North Korea, Russia, and Japan are being forced into launch by Supernatural Forces that we cannot explain. It can only be the Will of God. It is my deepest sorrow that I cannot tell you where or how to take shelter because there is no shelter. When these weapons touch down, it will be our final broadcast.
SCREEN STATIC:
Eddie Griffin's THE MAD DOCTOR takes over the Broadcast.
THE MAD DOCTOR:
Ladies and Gentlemen. The Mad Doctor is in. Allow me to introduce you to the greatest invention the Occult has ever invented. The Black Mirror. In the 1998 film The Avengers, Sean Connery played a villain genius called Sir Augustus DeWynter who invented a Machine that could control all of the Weather Patterns on Planet Earth. But what happens when Black Magick can be manipulated to produce the same results. As you have already witnessed, the System Force from the Ah My Goddess Television Show is very much a real thing, and all it takes to Hack the Power of the Gods is a Black Mirror Portal to the Yggdrasil System. Tonight's experiment is a test of power. If the System Force can be used to Hack the Nuclear Launch codes by Screening Matthew Broderick's War Games into the Mirror, can the System Force also be used to take down the Nuclear Weapons midair. Now right now, you crackers are probably saying, "Oh Lordy! Save Me Doctor Save Me!" Yeah that's right, you keep forgetting that the Origin of Doctor Who is the man saved the universe by Blowing Up his Own Planet Gallifrey and killing everyone on it. Including the Women and Children. But Doctor, why would you launch ALL OF THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS in the United States and North Korea and Russia and Japan just to disarm them? Exactly. Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un played with their Nuclear Toys like they were in a Dick Measuring Contest. But who is the Land for? The Sun and the Sand for? You Guessed? It's All for the Best. I say that no matter how powerful these Nuclear Arms are, NONE OF THEM CAN DEFEAT THE INVISIBLE HAND OF GOD. So which is more powerful. A Nuclear Weapon. All the Nuclear Weapons. The System Force. Or a Series of Natural Disasters that Conveniently play in the same order as a Four Pack DVD Collection from Walmart! Somebody call Matthew Broderick and tell him to put some stank on it! Because it's time to Launch! Ladies and Gentlemen, The Mad Doctor Aims to Entertain 24 hours a Day, all day this week. You can book me on Eventbrite anytime day or night. Unless you're a dirty Terrorist. Now, you wouldn't be a Terrorist would you?
CUT TO:
FOOTAGE OF ALL OF THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS LAUNCHING FROM THE UNITED STATES, NORTH KOREA, RUSSIA, AND JAPAN.
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN is giving the Last Rites for America.
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN:
And Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK CITY AIRPORT - NIGHT
Matt Caplan's NEWS REPORTER on the Television Set.
NEWS REPORTER:
Ladies and Gentlemen. I think I'm going to be sick. I can't do this anymore. All of the Nuclear Weapons have launched. It's finally happened. First The Mad Doctor murdered all of the Christians. And now he's come back to finish the job. Shame on you Eddie Griffin. Shame on you for ending the human race. I for one am personally going to fucking boycott Undercover Brother during the last few minutes that I have left to live.
CUT TO:
INT. EDDIE GRIFFIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
EDDIE GRIFFIN has tears running down his face and he's shouting at the Television Set.
EDDIE GRIFFIN:
IT'S NOT ME! I SWEAR THE MAD DOCTOR ISN'T ME! It's that Goddamn fucking Texas Dishwasher from Bad Goddess! Bad Goddess has finally killed us all! Somebody take away his Vintage Porn Collection before he kills all of the Porn Stars too!
CUT TO:
WE SEE MULTIPLE SHOWS OF ALL THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS LOSING POWER AND SHUTTING DOWN MIDAIR. THEY ALL SPLASH DOWN OVER THE OCEAN.
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN:
Is it over? Are we already dead? What happened? America... it appears that we've suffered a miracle from Jesus. All of the Nuclear Weapons have reportedly shut down mid-flight and crashed down over the ocean. While it's true that our Defense System and our Country is completely unarmed now in the Nuclear Arms race, it would appear that North Korea, Russia, and Japan are also disarmed.
CAMERAMAN:
(waves)
Mister President. You forgot about China.
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN:
Wait, you mean China still has their Nuclear Weapons? Oh fuck my life-
CUT TO SCREEN STATIC AS THE PRESIDENT IS TAKEN OFF THE AIR.
CUT TO:
INT. PENTAGON OFFICE - NIGHT
GENERAL TOM BUTLER:
I don't know what's worse. Being stuck in here with you gentlemen at the risk of death. Or knowing that China now has an advantage over us because they're the only ones who have Nuclear Weapons now.
OTHER GENERAL:
Sir, with all due respect, it's getting really hot in here, we've taken off all of our clothes, and now I'm afraid that if one of us gets an erection, it's going to be an instant homosexual experience for all of us.
GENERAL TOM BUTLER:
Thank you for pointing that out to all of us. Well Gentlemen. Welcome to the United States of China. We were knee deep in debt to them anyways. They might as well come on over and repossess all of our cars and houses thanks to those blockheads in Congress and Senate and their Neverending National Debt.
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK CITY AIRPORT - NIGHT
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA and NEKOMU OTOGI and the THREE FBI AGENTS are watching Matt Caplan's NEW REPORTER.
NEW REPORTER:
Boy do I feel really stupid right now. It appears that the country of China now has the entire United States of America at an Advantage and there is nothing we can do about it.
CUT TO:
SCREEN STATIC
THE MAD DOCTOR:
Ladies and Gentlemen, The Mad Doctor is back. What you have just witnessed today, is just a taste of the wrath that we have in store for you. Get ready, because North Korea, Russia, and Japan are about to become the victims of a Roland Emmerich Disaster movie. But first... does anybody feel like a little Chinese?
CUT TO:
MULTIPLE SHOTS OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS IN CHINA EXPLODING WHILE THEY ARE STILL PARKED INSIDE OF THEIR MISSILES SILOS.
DEBBIE HARRY'S MAYBE FOR SURE starts playing while all of the missiles are exploding and China is literally wiped off of the fucking map. It's a cover of a song written for the Post Apocalypse movie ROCK N RULE.
CUT TO:
THE MAD DOCTOR:
Now why did I do a thing like that? Just to show you that I could. Remember that Gregory Peck film ON THE BEACH? I guess that means that you all have a lot to look forward to, what with the Radiation Poisoning that will be coming down to the United States. Then again, you do have a choice. You can live in Radiation Sickness if the winds come your way, or the United States of America can pass out Complimentary Cyanide Pills to all of their Citizens. OR there's option number three, my personal favorite. Let's stand up, say FUCK YOU GOD, I want a front row ticket to the Destruction of the Earth. Are you ready Roland Emmerich? This is going to be the best movie you ever made since Ghost Chase. Hit it!
CUT TO:
SHOTS OF NEWS REPORTS SHOWCASING NORTH KOREA, AND RUSSIA BEING HIT BY TORNADOS AND EARTHQUAKES UNTIL THEIR ARE TURNED TO RUBBLE AND DUST. OBVIOUSLY THESE ARE ALL FX MODELS LIKE AN OLD GODZILLA MOVIE.
CUT TO:
THE MAD DOCTOR:
Ladies and Gentlemen, The Mad Doctor is back. Once again, you have just witnessed a small portion of evidence that I am the one in control. Take notice however that in this attack, one country was left untouched. The Island Nation of Japan. Ladies and Gentlemen, I do confess that tonight's festivities all boil down to a standoff with one man. The only man that I am speaking to right now. Kosuke Fujishima, are you out there? That's right. I'm speaking directly to you. I'm sorry, would you feel better if we got up close and personal.
CUT TO:
THE ANIMATION CARD IS REPLACED WITH KEVIN NEECE.
KEVIN NEECE:
(in tears)
Kosuke Fujishima, if you are out there please listen to me. Clearly you must see that I do not have the power to do all of this on my own. That Goddess has my daughter and my entire family held hostage right now. I'm sorry that Belldandy wasn't real. I know that all of you out there were in love with what you thought that Goddess was. And I'm sorry for how Hekate manipulated all of you and your Hollywood Friends. But she is the one that is in control right now. Hekate is back and the time of Blood Sacrifices has returned. The United States had their chance to fix the problem of Climate Change and the Doomsday Iceberg. Instead they sat around arguing over Christianity issues that make no sense. Like the Pro-Life argument. How are you going to bring unwanted children into this world to take care of when your entire country is going to be facing National Disasters and Major Flooding soon like a Post Apocalypse Film? You can't. This world is dying because it is over-polluted and over-populated. So in order to maintain the balance of life, the more people that are born into this world, the more people that the Goddess of Death has to kill to make room for you. You are not saving lives by forcing more unwanted children into this world. You're just forcing God to make room for them by wiping us out with Biblical Plagues like COVID-19 and Natural Disasters that level the United States. So what do you do? You distract the American Public by criminalizing Drag Shows and tell people not to focus on the Real Problem. Brigitte Gabriel is clearly a Demon and should not be alive right now, but unfortunately she is along with a bunch of other trouble makers making the world a worse place for everyone. And so I snapped. Like an Incel going postal. Only I didn't use a Gun or a Knife. I didn't walk into a school with a shotgun I bought from Walmart. No, instead Hekate manifested my desires for carnage in the form of a Nuclear Weapon. Like the implosive person who gets yelled at everyday until they snapped on the customer. And now that I've tasted true carnage. I've tasted blood and I want more. I was not like this five years ago. I had a house and a family of six people. I had a wife and daughter who loved me. And I drove them all away. I know that this situation seems impossible right now. I know that you all think Hekate has an advantage over you. But I never wanted it to end like this. Your Three Goddesses of Fate might not exist in our Reality, but there is one person left on that show who is real. It's you Kosuke-san. Keiichi Morisato didn't defeat all of those demons in the Niflheim Rebellion Arc. It was you. His writer. You were the one who thought your way out of those situations. And I know you can think your way out of this one. Because I really need you right now. And Japan needs you too. What the hell happened to you? I've always suspected that you lacked a set of balls, but never in my wildest nightmares would I believe that the man who wrote Keiichi Morisato would so desperately have a Heart turned to Stone. Kosuke-san. This Goddess comes from a Time Period Long Forgotten where Kings didn't hide in their castles in times of War. Kings used to ride out in front of their men where they could easily be killed to meet their enemies in battle. Even Pope Julius II rode out to war when it was his time to spread the word of religion. Nobody lives forever Kosuke-san. You can sit back with the rest of America, and watch Hekate kill the human race. You can sit back and watch the Entire Island of Japan sink into the Ocean like the Island of Atlantis. Or you can face your Trial of the Gods head on, and ride out to meet your opponent. I'm reaching out to you man. Please Help Me. Don't let it end like this. If you can't do it for your country. If you can't do it to save your wife. Do it for yourself and stop hiding from a world that's beyond your control.
CUT TO:
THE MAD DOCTOR:
Oh, how very touching everybody. Our humble narrator is having a Gay Moment. Wasn't that nice? Well unfortunately for you Kosuke-san, I'm not as forgiving to Japanese Cracker Assholes like you. If you want to save yourselves, you are going to have to overcome a few obstacles along the way. Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado... allow me to introduce you to everybody's favorite public access time lord, Michael Bay.
CUT TO:
DOCTOR WHO BLANK TEMPLATE VIDEO:
MICHAEL BAY
LISA SAKAKINO
in
DOCTOR WHAT
Episode: BAD GODDESS WAR GAMES
Written by HEKATE GODDESS OF THE CROSSROADS and KEVIN NEECE
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR WHO TARDIS
MICHAEL BAY is wearing the CHARLIE DAY DOCTOR WHAT suit from FIST FIGHT and standing alongside and Animated LISA SAKAKINO from Kosuke Fujishima's eX-Driver.
MICHAEL BAY'S DOCTOR WHAT:
One of the staples of the Ah My Goddess anime series which was left out of Bad Goddess due to stock animation reasons were the Racing Scenes. Kosuke Fujishima was known to be a total gearhead and used racing to solve nearly all of the Nekomi Gang's problems all the way up to the end of the series. In some cases, these races could be seen as an excuse to pad out the issues to buy him some more time to think up new storylines. Oh My Goddess had a release of one issue per month. So every time that Kosuke Fujishima put a race in the story that took up six issues of Kodansha Afternoon Magazine, that meant that instead of Six Months of Original Ah My Goddess Stories, the Audience was forced to deal with Six Months of Racing Panels. But Kosuke Fujishima loved his motorcycles, just as much as Kevin Neece loved the Video Mixtaping Work of Alamo Drafthouse, creating Crossover Episodes that had Time Lords jumping into movies like Hair, Billy Jack, Sweet Charity, Butterflies are Free, The Monkee's Head and The Warriors. All of which took place in the same universe due to clever editing. To the United States of America, for the Final Showdown of Bad Goddess: War Games, we intend to honor Kosuke Fujishima's favorite formula by bringing the Fate of Japan down to a single Motorcycle Race across the United States of America from New York City to the Goddess Hotline Office in Austin TX. But if you think this Trial of the Gods is going to be easy. Guess again. Hekate is disturbingly methodical. Like Skuld, she can see into the future, plan ahead, and manipulate the System Force to put you into all kinds of fucked up situations. For this race, Hekate is going to use the System Force to turn the United States of America into a Gearhead War Zone based on the Stephen King classic Maximum Overdrive and Kosuke Fujishima's Own Series eX-Driver. And while these shenanigans are happening, the United States is also going to be under attack by Natural Disasters thanks to The Mad Doctor's Sir Augustus DeWynter Battle Plan. Here to explain the rules is eX-Driver's Lisa Sakakino. Thank you.
LISA SAKAKINO:
All right America, listen up, because I'm only going to say this one time. Get ready because when this video reaches its conclusion, you are all about to go to war with your own automobiles gone haywire, and the United States Government and the Police Officers will not be able to help you because as of right now, Hekate has the System Force trapping them in their own offices at the risk of Death by Heart Attack. Even the President of the United States cannot leave the Oval Office. Here are the basic rules that you need to be aware of to survive. Tesla Cars are bad. Very Very Bad. If you turn on the radio, you might hear Disney Classic songs playing alerting you to which cars are about to attack you. For example, if you are in a Volkswagon Beetle, you might get the theme to Herbie the Love Bug and the car will play cute little practical jokes on you. But if you hear the theme song to Mister Toad's Wild Ride, WATCH OUT, because you are in for a chase that's going to end in a Fiery Crash that will have you waking up in HELL. The only safety that you are going to get are THE MOTORCYCLES. That's right. MOTORCYCLES ARE COMPLETELY SAFE. Just don't get hit by one of the Demon Possessed Cars while you are on one because Motorcycles are dangerous. Secondly, watch out for the System Force, because the rest of this adventure is based on the films It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World and Jerry Zucker's Rat Race. Every time that you stop racing, you are going to be put into some of the most fucked up comedic situations imaginable because the Goddess of Death has a sense of humor. And just like the movie Bad Goddess: Touched by an Angel, we are granting Kosuke Fujishima Three Allied Companions to Journey him through this Trial of the Gods. In your case that would be the Three FBI Agents that met you at the airport. We told you Hekate was sneaky and methodical. Now, if the simple task of this quest is too much to ask to save the island of Japan from The Mad Doctor's Earthquakes, remember, there's one more soul on the Chopping Block that you should be aware of. The prize in this game is the Soul of Nekomu Otogi. And she will not be coming with you. If you fail, everyone in Japan will die and be re-incarnated as a new species of fish called Fairy Spider Sharks. And Nekomu Otogi will be their Goddess Queen in the Afterlife. She wanted to be a Goddess like Belldandy and now she's got her wish. Nekomu Otogi is the Goddess of Fairy Spider Sharks. Good luck and God Bless. And remember Kosuke-san. May Fortune Smile Upon You All, because God knows, when this shitshow hits the fan, all of you are going to need it.
TITLE CARD: BAD GODDESS: WAR GAMES
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK CITY AIRPORT - NIGHT
NEKOMU OTOGI starts to look ill, like she's in the beginning stages of a Heart Attack.
NEKOMU OTOGI:
Kosuke-san. Something's wrong with me. I don't feel well. What's a Fairy Spider Shark?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Nekomu. Nekomu what's wrong?
NEKOMU OTOGI begins to go into Seizures.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
She's going into Seizures and Cardiac Arrest. Hold her down. Put a wallet in her mouth so she doesn't bite her tongue.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Somebody help! Somebody call an Ambulance!
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
There are no ambulances right now. We're stuck here.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT MEDICAL ROOM - NIGHT
NEKOMU OTOGI is stabilized but in a COMA.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
I should have been nicer to her. I should have been a better man after what happened with my other wives. I should have learned my lesson. Instead I took her away from her life's profession and now look at her. She's going to be reincarnated as the Goddess of Fairy Spider Sharks. What the fucking hell is a Fairy Spider Shark? I don't know and I'm afraid to ask.
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
I think a Fairy Spider Shark is one of those Internet Photoshop Memes where they combined the Face of a Shark with Tarantula Eyes and Fairy Wings on its nose as a joke. Do you really think it's possible for God to invent a new species based on an Internet Meme?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Oh My Goddess. I should have known. Kevin Neece couldn't come up with an original idea on his own if he had a loaded gun pointed to his head. He only knows how to makes things based on other people's video mixtapes and story ideas. My wife is going to be reincarnated an an Internet Meme. And it's all my fault. I should have read Kevin Neece's Paperweight when I had the chance.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
Oh, you mean this thing?
FBI AGENT CONLEY holds up Kevin Neece's Autobiography The Story of a Blacklisted Bootlegger.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Where did you get that?
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
He published and mailed nearly 200 copies of that book to every FBI Branch in the United States. Something tells me he was trying to warn us about something. Hmm... what could it be? What could it be? Could it be an old out of date anime show from the early 2000s that was a FUCKING INSTRUCTION MANUEL ON THE AFTERLIFE LIKE THE LAST STARFIGHTER? No wait, that couldn't be it. It was you wasn't it? Kevin Neece was trying to warn the FBI about you and Kodansha Ltd and Dark Horse Comics and possibly even Jim Carrey but we'll get to him later. Look, I know you're not a Citizen of the United States. But when in Rome, do as the Romans do. We need a Champion to Ride us into Battle so we can break past the System Force without dying from a Heart Attack. And unfortunately for us, all we're left with is you. So have a heart Kosuke-san. You've still got one bit of Good Fortune left in your favor.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
And what the fuck would that be?
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
Motorcycles are the Only Safe Vehicles left in this game. But remember this. Those who live by the Motorcycle can still die by the Motorcycle.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
And supposing we actually survive the Trial of the Gods to Austin TX. What are we supposed to do when we get there?
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
According to our research his Bedroom Mirror is only ONE of FIVE different Crossroads where he can invoke Hekate and the System Force to do his bidding. FIVE CROSSROADS. FIVE STAR POINTS ON A PENTAGRAM. The Top Three Star Points represent the Three Fates watching over Humanity. The Bottom Two Star Points represent The Duality of Mankind's Inner Struggle between Good and Evil. The other Crossroads are Curia Arcanum's House of Curiosities where Saul Ravencraft works. The Hekate Stone Maze by North Seton Hospital. Westgate Theater where he sees his Regal Unlimited Films, that's where he successfully murdered Taylor Hawkins from the Foo Fighters. And then there's the last Crossroads located in the Dark Woodland Parks of his old neighborhood where his Father used to walk the dog at night. He says that you are supposed to walk the trail without any kind of artificial light to find Hekate.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
Bad News, the System Force has just kicked into effect. According to the News, every car in the United States is on a killing spree, and there's this Eighteen Wheeler that's been smashing through everything like a Terminator Movie. Guess who's drawn on the side of it. It's those Goddesses.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
So... Motorcycles are the only safe vehicles left?
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
Unless you get hit by a car or fall off of one at top speed. Or get attacked by a Big Dog like Debbie's first husband Freddy. Remember, Hekate is a Protector of Dogs.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Okay Kevin. I'll star in your Michael Bay film... does anybody know how to start up a GoFundMe? Somebody needs to Crowdsource this Adventure like a Motherfucker because Michael Bay doesn't work for free. And as for the actual adventure, we need some lacky intern from Kodansha Ltd who is an expert on everything Michael Bay to walk us through how to make a Michael Bay film in the first place. You dig?
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
I'm sorry, are you feeling okay?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
I'm just fucking peachy. Now where are those fucking motorcycles? Is the Government going to supply us with them or do we have to steal some from the Airport Parking Garage? I don't know. Isn't that crazy awesome?
FADE OUT:
EURYTHMICS - LAST TIME
Well the First Time That I Saw You
You Were Standing in the Rain
You Were Waiting at the Station
For the Last Connecting Train
Well... Who Do You Go To When There's No One Left to Blame.
And Who Do You Go To When You Best Friend Turns Away.
Last Time You're Gonna Let Me Down.
Last Time You're Gonna Fool Around with Me.
for the soundtrack to Bad Goddess War Games:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2DAjLkMvUL8efnASFwxe9L
BAD GODDESS: WAR GAMES - GANCHAN IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
What happened to Ganchan in Bad Goddess? In Ah My Goddess the Lead was Keiichi Morisato. In The Adventures of Mini-Goddess the Lead was Ganchan the Rat. In Bad Goddess & Marller Gets a Spinoff the Lead was Doctor What/Mokkurkalfi. Where did Ganchan the Rat go? He's mentioned in the first Bad Goddess pilot movie. Bad Goddess takes place twenty years after The Niflheim Rebellion Saga in Oh My Goddess and Kevin Neece didn't feel that a Rat would live that long. In Mini-Goddess, the final running joke is that Ganchan never survived any of his Adventures, Skuld kept cloning him every time that he died so that the Three Goddesses could toy with him and come up with new and inventive ways into killing him. As Kevin Neece has come to the conclusion that Hekate has been haunting him and leaving little clues and patterns since his birth because of something he did in a past life, it is insinuated that Kevin Neece has become Ganchan's Human Replacement in 2023. Instead of becoming Doctor What, Kevin Neece theorizes he has become the Human Reincarnation of Ganchan due to his Bad Karma. Having said that, this is the last Bad Goddess movie in the series and it may be my last and only chance to use the character in this series.
INT. KEVIN NEECE'S BEDROOM
We see an Animated GANCHAN standing in the live action background like Who Framed Roger Rabbit. We hear the eery music theme from the Lord of Terror episode of Ah My Goddess.
GANCHAN:
Kevin... Kevin... Wake Up Kevin.
KEVIN NEECE:
Mr Ganchan? Is it really you? Where did you come from?
GANCHAN:
I'm your Spirit Animal Kevin. I've been by your side with the Goddesses all along. Remember how on Election Night you invoked the Three Fates to use the System Force to flip the Electoral Vote in Joe Biden's favor? That was me helping you with those ideas like a Greek Muse. As it turns out, I happen to be an Election Expert. And now that I'm here with you in person, we can sleep together all day, and eat, and sleep, and eat, as much as we want. But first, you must complete your Destiny and KILL the entire Republican GOP Party. Mitch McConnell must be FUCKED BY DEMONS on his way to HELL. And I don't mean Simulation Happy Hell like The Good Place. I mean the Lake of Fire where Humans walk on all fours and listen to Demons sing Rihanna's Umbrella.
KEVIN NEECE:
And Shinzo Abe? Did those Goddesses murder the Prime Minister of Japan?
GANCHAN:
What? FUCK SHINZO ABE! Japanese Donald Trump Wannabee Motherfucker. Shinzo Abe looks like he got Face Fucked by the Fatigue Train. Let him rest in peace. We can't MURDER THE ENTIRE REPUBLICAN GOP on an empty stomach you know. Do you have anything to eat?
KEVIN NEECE:
I may have some Cheezits or something in the kitchen.
GANCHAN:
Hooray! Oh by the way, I also happen to be an expert on daily exercise and if you don't do something about your weight, someday you're going to wake up looking like Brendan Fraser from The Whale. You've got a Treadmill sitting in your bedroom and you're fatter than I am. You really should learn to use that thing more often. Off I go to Cheezits Land. Huzzah!
MR GANCHAN leaves the room.
KEVIN NEECE:
Wait... Mister Ganchan. Come back to me. I feel sick.
Suddenly a hallucination of Eddie Griffin's THE MAD DOCTOR wearing a Lab Coat appears peeking out through Kevin Neece's bedroom door and he's dementedly laughing.
The Instrumental Theme to Animotion's Obsession plays.
THE MAD DOCTOR:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Mad Doctor is in. Come spend some time with me Kevin. Do you like to dance? I'm so murder happy I could bust a move.
CUT TO:
INT. KEVIN NEECE'S LIVING ROOM
KEVIN NEECE follows THE MAD DOCTOR into the Living Room and he's skipping and dancing backwards to make his way into the middle of the room.
THE MAD DOCTOR:
(singing)
My Fantasy Has Turned to Madness. And Now My Goodness Has Turned to Badness. My Need to Possess You Has Reached Through My Soul. My Life is Ending. I Have No Control.
THE MAD DOCTOR grabs both of KEVIN NEECE'S hands and started spinning him around like a dance partner.
KEVIN NEECE:
(singing)
And I will have you. Yes I will have you. Yes I will find a way and I will have you. Like a butterfly. A Wild Butterfly. I will possess you and capture you.
CUT TO:
EXT RANDOM SHOTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IN CHAOS.
As the Animotion Theme Song plays Demon Possessed Vehicles are on a Rampage Everywhere. Let Michael Bay work this out.
FADE OUT.
BAD GODDESS: WAR GAMES - A MAN AND A TRAIN THEORETICAL SCENE
I've been thinking to myself all night and all day today, where does Eddie Rotten's cameo fit into this movie. The backstory on Eddie Rotten (aka William Howser) after the cancellation and downfall of Zombie Life Television off of Austin Public Access is Eddie couldn't handle the daily stress of being a Television Producer because he kept receiving nonstop phone calls all day and all night every day from people trying to inflict their onset drama on him or performance acts that wanted to be on the show. Every from the Austin Underground was basically waiting in line to get on Eddie Rotten's show and there were just too many of them which is why Zombie Life TV failed from a thematic standpoint. When the show first started it was filled with genuinely interesting improv discussions but then Eddie Rotten's attempts to make the show bigger and better and more amazing resulted in too many acts getting only ten minutes of screen time when the guests could have easily held an entire hour of discussion on their own.
After the Fall of Zombie Life TV, Eddie Rotten moved his family out into the woods to take over his mother's paintball shooting company, and all he does is hide out from society with his family hunting for Big Foot.
So my feelings are, when Kevin Neece's Apocalypse Shit Show hits the fan and all of the Vehicles are attacking the human race, Eddie Rotten doesn't know what's happening because he's been safely living in the woods away from society.
Eddie once pulled a stunt where he hopped a freight train and rode on top all the way out of the state, then hitchhiked back home. Kevin Neece jokingly referred to him as the real life Emperor of the North Pole and suddenly I got hit with the inspirational basis for this scene.
What if the Fujishima Gang got an idea that in order to avoid all of the Demon Possessed Cars in America, they should load their motorcycles onto a Freight Train and just Hobo their way across State Lines to Austin TX. I don't know if this would geographically work because they are supposed to be riding from New York City to Austin TX and we don't know if there are trains running through there or what kind of action movie danger elements the train might run into in real life.
Then I got to thinking, Eddie Rotten is good at improv on live television, but can he sing? What if he can't. What if Eddie Rotten doesn't want to do the movie, who can we replace him with. And then I got to thinking about Lloyd Kaufman from Troma Films. Lloyd Kaufman knows how to act and he looks like a Dirty Hobo... probably smells like one too. Maybe it's his after shave. So which is it, Eddie Rotten or Lloyd Kaufman. How about both of them at the same time. Eddie Rotten sits in the background smoking his vapor while Lloyd Kaufman does all of the acting singing and dancing. I don't know if it's going to fit into the movie but I'll write the scene anyways and let Kodansha Ltd decide.
FADE IN:
INT. FREIGHT TRAIN RIDING ACROSS AMERICA - DAY
The Fujishima Gang and their Motorcycles are sitting in the empty car and sitting across from them in the corner are EDDIE ROTTEN and dirty hobo LLOYD KAUFMAN.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Excuse me. Don't I know you from somewhere?
EDDIE ROTTEN:
Who me?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Yes you... don't you work on Public Access Television?
EDDIE ROTTEN:
Naah man, not anymore I couldn't handle all the drama. People kept calling me day and night with all of their personal onset drama bullshit. I'd rather spend my days and nights out in the woods hunting for bigfoot.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
It's the end of the world out there and you're still hunting for a fantasy like Big Foot?
EDDIE ROTTEN:
End of the world is right. That's more drama I don't need. Fuck Social Media News. It's all just disaster disaster disaster one disaster after another.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
So you hopped on a Freight Train why?
EDDIE ROTTEN:
Didn't anybody ever tell you? I'm the Emperor of the North Pole. A No 1 to Portland on the 19.
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
Surely you must be joking.
EDDIE ROTTEN:
I'm not joking, and don't call me Shirley. You see me now. I'm gonna parade. High mucky mucky of everything. Tramp Royale. Emperor of the North Pole. Ain't Nothing Gonna be too good for this Fella there's gonna be some busting heads. Slashing left and right with my razor. Until everyone surrenders to me. Unconditionally on the spot. Ain't a jungle I'll walk into where they won't know my name. There will be kings and queens and royal flushes. Then I'll be chief of all.
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
Hey Lee Marvin. When you finally rule the Hobo Underground could your friend consider taking a shower? It's getting kind of hot and smelly in here.
LLOYD KAUFMAN:
Oh that's not him. It's me.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
Lloyd Kaufman, what the hell are you doing here? And why does it smell so bad in here? Did we run over a skunk?
LLOYD KAUFMAN:
Why no sir, that's my aftershave. I'm wearing Smelly Hobo Aftershave. The only aftershave that's been tested and curated from the sweaty pores of Matthew McConaughey, time tested and approved to eat through your eyes like a jar of acid. That's right everybody. Smelly Hobo Aftershave is the only aftershave made for the Old Dirty Bastard in all of us. With aroma's so pungent, you can almost smell the dick cheese from nearly a mile away.
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
Oh My Goddess. What did you fall into the Bog of Eternal Stench or something? Why would you sell such a horrible product like that to the general public?
LLOYD KAUFMAN:
Haven't you figured it out? Social Distancing. Thanks to Biblical Plagues like COVID-19, Troma's Smelly Hobo Aftershave has been selling out like flies, because one splash of this shit and nobody will want to come near you within miles much less six lousy feet.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
It's the end of the fucking world and somehow I keep running into Kevin's friends from Zombie Life Television. Don't you know what's been going on out there Eddie? Kevin Neece showed the Real Goddess of Fate Stephen King's Maximum Overdrive and eX-Driver and now all of the Vehicles are killing everybody. He fucking murdered half of the Christians in America by gassing them to death in their own vehicles like Adolph Hitler. The only reason the other half survived is because they're all hypocrites who never actually go to Sunday Church. They just use their religion as an excuse to lash out at the Democrats on Twitter.
EDDIE ROTTEN:
You're kidding. I never knew Kevin Neece had it in him. I've always supported him and told him to follow his passions but... wait a minute, I haven't seen any demon possessed cars. Those motorcycles seem pretty inanimate.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
That's because the motorcycles and the trains are the only things that haven't been effected by Hekate's spell petition.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
I have a question. When you were on that show, did you ever perform any witchcraft petitions that might have gotten your cast members targeted by Hekate? We've researched Kevin Neece's background and he was not like this until after he worked on your television show about Paranormal Government Conspiracies.
EDDIE ROTTEN:
We used to invoke the Devil every week on that show. Hell, we've had Burlesque Dancers and Drag Queens dressed as Baphomet Demons, and Witches, and Tarot Card Readers, and even the Austin Vampire Society. Surely you're not blaming me for what happened to Kevin, he's an adult that can make his own decisions and he's responsible for his own actions.
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
You must be the smartest person in the room because if you're hiding out in the woods from all of this shit like the Walking Dead, then your family must be safe.
LLOYD KAUFMAN:
Cheer up friends. There are worst things out there than Demon Possessed Cars and Tornadoes and Earthquakes. You know my grandfather lived through the depression, do you know what he'd say in a time like this?
LLOYD KAUFMAN starts singing Marty Robbin's A Man and a Train.
LLOYD KAUFMAN:
(singing)
A man and a train, a train and a man. They both run as hard and fast, and as fast as they can. But a man's not a train, and train's not man. A man can do things, that a train never can.
LLOYD KAUFMAN stands up to strike a heroic pose.
LLOYD KAUFMAN:
(singing)
GOING UP A MOUNTAIN. EVEN HALFWAY TO THE TOP. THE MOMENT THAT A TRAIN RUNS OUT OF STEAM - IT'S GOT TO STOP.
When LLOYD KAUFMAN sings "It's Got to Stop" he hops backwards three times with his ass sticking out like he's twerking.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
Yeah You Twerk that ass Lloyd!
LLOYD KAUFMAN:
(singing)
But it's a different story, when a man runs out of steam. He still can go a long long way, on nothing but a dream!
As the Music Swells, KOSUKE FUJISHIMA stands up with his legs spread in a V stance, he rips off his motorcycle jacket and tosses it to the ground and belts out the next lyrics while the Three FBI AGENTS start clapping in unison to keep the beat.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
(singing)
So don't try to stop me! Don't try to stop me, cause nobody can! I've got a dream! A beautiful dream! And that makes me a man! No don't try to stop me! Don't try to stop me! Cause nobody can! I've got a dream! A beautiful dream, and that makes me! Makes me a man!
CUT TO:
EXT TRAIN RIDING ACROSS AMERICA - DAY
We hear the Orchestra Score for Emperor of the North Pole play as the train rides across America.
NOTE: I don't know if there are any action scenes that we can have the train run into because I don't know if the geographical elements exist to do it. It would be best to skip over the action in this script and cut to the end scene. Let Michael Bay stage this out.
CUT TO:
EXT. GETTING OFF THE TRAIN
The Fujishima Train have their motorcycles off the train and LLOYD KAUFMAN is walking behind them.
LLOYD KAUFMAN:
Well Fujishima Gang, it looks like we made it!
Suddenly a fucking Tesla Car comes speeding into LLOYD KAUFMAN, smashing him and pinning him into a tree. LLOYD KAUFMAN comes to his sense and spits out blood.
LLOYD KAUFMAN:
My bad... it looks like we didn't make it.
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
Lloyd! No!
LLOYD KAUFMAN:
(gasps dying)
It's okay. It's okay. Troma films was on its last legs anyways. I don't even know if Troma films has a future without me. First we got blacklisted from Hollywood because we refused to kiss the fucking asses of the Corporate Conglomerates. Then we got banned and removed from YouTube and Amazon Prime because of COPPA. Then I spent all of our life savings on that fucking Poultreygeist movie only to have it pirated all over the internet. Now that pigfucker Addison Binek keeps selling pirated copies of our movies at the Fan Conventions. Fuck you Addison Binek. I tried to do you a favor and you spat in our faces and bit the hand that feeds you. Fate is going to come full circle for you Addison Binek. Someday I'm going to blow my brains out. I'm going to blow my fucking brains out and it's going to be YOUR FAULT! At least Vinegar Syndrome still loves us. Perhaps they'll survive the Apocalypse and keep our film catalog preserved for Future Audiences. Kosuke-san, please listen to me. You've got to stop this. You've got to stop this insanity right now. You've got to find Kevin Neece and talk some sense into him. The guy keeps emailing me all of his paranormal bullshit about his father and I don't know what to say to the guy. I can't figure out if it's real or if he's insane. You can do it Fujishima Gang. It's time for you to save the World. Okay God. I've made my peace with you. Tell Joe Fleishaker that I'll be up there to join him momentarily. Ugh.
LLOYD KAUFMAN passes out and dies on top of the car.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
You think he's dead now?
Suddenly the Car backs out very quickly and LLOYD KAUFMAN splatters onto the ground in TWO PIECES with his bloody intestines spilling out onto the ground.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA and the THREE FBI AGENTS jump back in shock.
Then the Car keeps running over LLOYD KAUFMAN and jumps onto top of him over and over again, crushing his head like the TOXIC AVENGER.
Spray droplets of Blood splatter all over the faces of the KOSUKE FUJISHIMA and the THREE FBI AGENTS as they sit back looking at LLOYD KAUFMAN's demise in pure shock and horror.
The Fujishima Gang just stands there with shocked wide eye looks on their faces. Without breaking character or their stares, all four of them pull hankerchiefs out of their pockets and silently wipe the blood off of their faces.
Then they just silently turn around trying to pretend like nothing happened, pick up their motorcycles and walk away.
As the Fujishima Gang walks away, you can hear KOSUKE FUJISHIMA singing in the background.
KOSUKE FUJISIMA:
(singing)
So don't try to stop me! Don't try to stop me! Cause nobody can! I've got a dream! A beautiful dream, and that makes me a man! No don't try to stop me! Don't try to stop me! Cause nobody can! I've got a dream! A beautiful dream! And that makes me! Makes me a man...
The final closing shot zooms in on LLOYD KAUFMAN's crushed head.
FADE OUT
BAD GODDESS: WAR GAMES - NEVER LIVE LIKE COMMON PEOPLE
It's a very simple premise. Sooner or later every road trip ends in nightfall and the travelers have to take shelter for the night. So the Fujishima gang is all alone held up in an abandoned building with the Wind blowing, and the Heavy Rain, and the Thunder and Lightning keeping them away, and they try to find a way to pass the time. Pulp's Common People suspiciously sounds like it is about a Greek Goddess who wants to have a relationship with a Commoner, just like Belldandy the Goddess wants to live a normal life with Keiichi Morisato. Nobody knows the identity of the woman in the song. Who do you think it is?
FADE IN:
EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING STRUCTURE - NIGHT
We see Blowing Winds, Heavy Rain, Thunder and Lightning.
CUT TO:
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING STRUCTURE - NIGHT
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA and the THREE FBI AGENTS are laying on the floor wide awake because of the lightning.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
You know, the further distance between the lightning and the thunder, the farther away the lightning hits.
Suddenly we see the Lightning and the KABOOM Thunder hit at the same time as LOUD and EARTH SHAKY as possible.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
Never mind, that was right outside our window. Does anybody have any ideas how to pass the time?
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
I've got an idea!
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
For the last time Kosuke-san, we're NOT going to have a Three Way Orgy.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
You said when in Rome, do as the Romans Do.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
Can you listen to yourself? You sound like the passenger who starts jerking off on the airplane because the plane is going down and its his last chance to get laid.
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
I've heard that the downfall of every major society in the history of planet earth has first showcased itself in the arts but this is completely ridiculous. Did Ah My Goddess really become responsible for the death of the human race?
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
It's not as ridiculous as you think. Let's count them down. Waterworld being caused by the Melting of the Doomsday Glacier, the opening of Artificial Intelligence where all of the Polar Ice Caps have melted and flooded New York City, The Matrix Series, The Virtual Reality History Museum in Ready Player One, Free Guy, Don't Worry Darling, the search for a new sustainable planet in Interstellar, Titan AE's Planet Bob, Kingsmen The Secret Service and Avengers Infinite War are both about performing a Major Culling on the Human Race due to overpopulation issues and Climate Change. The scariest part about Kingsmen and Thanos the Mad Titan is they are absolutely right, the Heroes that stopped them from doing their jobs only achieved a temporary victory because now the Death of the Human Race is still coming.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
If Ryan Reynolds was being targeted by Hekate because he made RIPD Rest in Peace Department, it insinuates that Hekate may have greek mused the film production of Free Guy, meaning it's not a work of fiction, it's a documentary about the world we live in today. Mike Judge believes that Idiocracy started as a Comedy and it turned into a Documentary about the Trump Administration, just like Dark Horse Comics' Barb Wire. If you look at the DVD Cover, Maya Rudolph is Urd the Sex Goddess of the Past, and she plays a prostitute in the movie. Luke Wilson is Belldandy Goddess of the Present, who despite her naivety is the smartest person left on earth by default. And Dax Shepard is Skuld the Future Goddess of Death and Dark Omens, not just because he's the dumbest character in the movie, but because he represents the future of the human race. And Terry Crews is Donald Trump, a Reality Television Show Star voted into the Presidency who destroys America's Food Supply by watering their crops with Gatorade.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
You've all forgotten something. Kevin Neece's subliminal film study only covers the films that got greek mused by the Goddess of Death. He completely forgot about the music industry. For example, Brandy's Cinderella Television film got targeted by Hekate, but out of all the actors featured in it, Brandy herself was the only one without Hekate's Patterns on her resume. It's because Brandy isn't really a film actress with an extensive film resume, Brandy has more of a Music Video Career.
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
I know a song that comes to mind. Pulp's Common People. The song is about a Rich Woman from Greece, who lives the life of a Goddess, and she wants to throw it all away for a relationship with a Commoner, just like Belldandy and Keiichi Morisato. Everybody has been left guessing for years who the identity of the woman in Common People is. What if the song's Greek Muse has been Hekate the entire time. You kind of have to study the lyrics on this one, it's one of those songs where you get so caught up in the beat that you miss the meaning of the lyrics.
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING:
The THREE FBI AGENTS and KOSUKE FUJISHIMA start taking turns with the Song Lyrics one at a time, Acapella Song Style, with only the wind, the rain, the thunder, and their clapping hands for the beat.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
(singing)
She came from Greece, she had a thirst for knowledge. She studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College. That's where I. Caught her eye. She told me that her Dad was loaded. I said "in that case, I'll have rum and Coca-Cola". She said "fine". And then in thirty seconds time she said:
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
(singing)
"I wanna live like common people.
(clap clap clap)
I wanna do whatever common people do. Wanna sleep with common people.
(clap clap clap)
I wanna sleep with common people like you."
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
(singing)
Well, what else could I do? I said, "I'll... I'll see what I can do"
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
(singing)
I took her to a supermarket. I don't know why but I had to start it somewhere. So it started there. I said "Pretend you got no money." And she just laughed and said "oh, you're so funny" I said "yeah... well, I can't see anyone else smiling in here. Are you sure"
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
(singing)
You wanna live like common people.
(clap clap clap)
You wanna see whatever common people see. Wanna sleep with common people.
(clap clap clap)
You wanna sleep with common people like me? But she didn't understand. And she just smiled and held my hand.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
(singing)
Oh, rent a flat above a shop. And cut your hair and get a job. And smoke some cigs and play some pool. Pretend you never went to school. But still you'll never get it right. Cause when you're laid in bed at night. Watching roaches climb the wall. If you called your dad he could stop it all, yeah.
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING:
ALL THREE FBI AGENTS:
(singing in unison)
You'll never like like common people.
(clap clap clap)
You'll never do whatever common people do. Never fail like common people.
(clap clap clap)
You'll never watch your life slide out of view.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
(singing)
And then dance, and drink, and screw. Because there's nothing else to do. Oh!
ALL THREE FBI AGENTS:
(singing in unison)
Sing along with the common people.
(clap clap clap)
Sing along and it might just get you through. Laugh along with the common people.
(clap clap clap)
Laugh along, even though they're. They're laughing at you. And the stupid things that you do. Because you think that poor is cool.
FBI AGENT CONLEY:
(singing)
Like a dog lying in a corner. They will bite you and never warn you. Look out, they'll tear your insides out. Cause everybody hates a tourist. Especially one who, who thinks it's all such a laugh. Yeah, and the chip stain's and grease will come out in the bath.
FBI AGENT STEVENS:
(singing)
You will never understand. How it feels to live your life. With no meaning or control. And with nowhere left to go. You are amazed that they exist. And they burn so bright whilst you can only wonder why.
THUNDER and LIGHTNING. Wind Blowing.
FBI AGENT DONOHUE:
(singing)
Rent a flat above a shop. Cut your hair and get a job. And smoke some cigs and play some pool. Pretend you never went to school. But still you'll never get it right. Cause when you're laid in bed at night. Watching roaches climb the wall. If you called your dad he could stop it all, yeah.
KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:
(singing)
Never live like common people.
(clap clap clap)
Never do what common people do. Never fail like common people.
(clap clap clap)
Never watch your life slide out of view. And then dance and drink and screw. Because they're nothing else to go.
CUT TO:
EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING STRUCTURE - NIGHT
We can still see the Heavy Rain and Thunder and Lightning.
ALL THREE FBI AGENTS:
(singing)
Wanna live with common people like you. Wanna live with common people like you. Wanna live with common people like you. Wanna live with common people like you. Wanna live with common people like you. Wanna live with common people like you. Wanna live with common people like you.
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.
FADE OUT.
BAD GODDESS: WAR GAMES - LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS TWIST ENDING
So today I was eating barbeque at Poke-e-joe's and I got to thinking about the "ending" ending of the movie where Kosuke Fujishima is about to blow Kevin Neece's brains out with a pistol. And I thought, Kosuke Fujishima would never go with that ending in the original Oh My Goddess manga. In his fantasy universe the Demons are always Grey Area characters that can be reasoned with and bargained with to an extent.
Then I remember, Belldandy Urd and Skuld just showed up in the Tardis. What if they took Kevin Neece with them so that he and Hekate's possession of him left Planet Earth forever for the Real Ah My Goddess universe, like Frodo on the Elf Boat at the end of Return of the King, or when Richard Dreyfuss abandons his family at the end of Close Encounters for the Third Kind.
And the more I thought about it, it hit me, "Wait a minute, Kevin Neece just murdered Half of the Christian Population and wiped out the entire countries of China, Russia, and North Korea. Does he really get to walk away unpunished?"
What if there was a twist ending here, Kevin Neece boards the Tardis believing he's going to the promised land, instead they jump him into the set of Frank Oz's Little Shop of Horror
URD:
You always said your worst nightmare was Doctor What shows up and jumps you into the movie Little Shop of Horrors. What have you always been saying, that the Three Black Singers are the Three Fates and Audrey II is a Devil's Bargain? Well every Devil's Bargain comes full circle in the end.
KEVIN NEECE:
No! No! Not this! Anything but this!
Suddenly Audrey II comes crashing to the ground as an inanimate puppet, the Ah My Goddess music cue for Trouble Maker starts playing, and out from behind the Audrey II puppet comes the live action PUPPETEER MOKKURKALFI played by Christian Convery from the Hekate cursed film COCAINE BEAR.
PUPPETEER MOKKURKALFI:
Kevin! What did we just tell you?! Your worst nightmare about Audrey II could never happen in Real Life because Audrey II is a puppet! Ha! I got you! I got you back you fucker!
KEVIN NEECE:
Oh look, it's everybody's favorite Public Access Time Lord.
PUPPETEER MOKKURKALFI:
Fuck you Kevin! I AM NOT DOCTOR WHO! What the fuck possessed you to cast me as the Time Lord?!!
KEVIN NEECE:
You don't want to know. There were logical reasons that you matched up to that character but fuck it. I'm too tired to explain it right now.
PUPPETEER MOKKURKALFI:
And that Green Suit! That fucking Green Suit! What am I? A FUCKING LEPRECHAUN?!! Are you color blind or something?!!
KEVIN NEECE:
Well, it was a Black and White Manga and you were wearing a Spiked German Helmet which signifies Green.
(beat)
Wait a minute, if the Goddesses of Fate are real, then where is Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads?
HILD-SAMA:
I'm right here Kevin. I told you I was the Devil.
KEVIN NEECE:
What the hell? Then who am I married to?
URD:
Oh that. You're married to the Daimakaicho. And you have schizophrenia. We gave you schizophrenia so that you would be discredited by all of the mental health doctors and the FBI. The reason why your spell petitions kept working is because Skuld was monitoring you through the Black Mirror.
KEVIN NEECE:
But if Hekate isn't real? Then who launched the attack on Planet Earth?
HILD-SAMA:
I did. You are absolutely right. The Human Race was living in a simulation in the Afterlife like the Virtual Reality Museum from Ready Player One because they were wiped out Centuries ago, and in keeping with the Almighty's promise to bestow them with Eternal Life, we gave them their lives back in the form of a Simulation. But in order for the simulation to work, all of them had to be brainwashed by the System Force into believing they were still alive, and there had to be children born and adults dying to complete the illusion. But your planet is overpopulated and over-polluted. The more life you bring into that simulation, the more we are all forced to kill you off with Biblical Plagues and Mass Destruction Events to make room for the Next Generation and we do not discriminate between Man Woman and Child. Every so often, the simulation comes to an end and the Human Race is faced with the end of the world through Climate Change and Nuclear War. And every time they fail and get wiped out because they were too busy being distracted with Christian Issues that were not a major emergency. Those Christians spent their whole lives begging Jesus Christ to come and perform the rapture on them. We just gave them what they wanted. And North Korea, China, and Russia completely deserved to get wiped out for Playing with Nuclear War. And as for the rest of Humanity, you always said that the Curse of Ah My Goddess was foreshadowed by IRONY SERENDIPITY AND COINCIDENCE. And you cannot get more IRONIC than the Christian Republicans being saved from extinction by a group of Drag Queens and Trans Bikers called The Pink Angels led by Brenda Dickerson. Do you know that that means? THIS IS OFFICIALLY A KOSUKE FUJISHIMA PRODUCTION! AND THAT'S A WRAP!
MARLLER:
Look at it this way Kevin. What is the Simulation? It's Hell. You were in Hell. Why are the Christians the worst people on Planet Earth responsible for the Worst Crimes in Human History? Because you were in Hell. Why are the Police Officers a bunch of incompetent Morons who murder innocent Black People and get away with their crimes? Because you're in Hell. Why do all of the Celebrities look like they sold their souls to the Devil to further their careers? Because they did. You're in Hell. And Saturday Night Live is the Demon Realm's favorite Television Show and has been for Decades. But if this is the afterlife, then where are all of your dead relatives? Oh them? They went to Heaven. Why can't you find them? Because you're in Hell. They went to Heaven, and you are in Hell, thus you were separated from them. That's why the Politicians are so fucking evil. All of the Politicians are Demons. The Democrats pretend to be the lesser of Two Evils but they're incompetent morons and can never seem to get anything done because the Republicans are Pure Evil and obstruct them under Christian Values. In reality, both parties are out to fuck over the human race to further their careers and agendas. Because you're in Hell.
KEVIN NEECE:
So you tricked me into believing you married me to Hekate when in reality I was married to Hild-sama the entire time?
HILD-SAMA:
No, we said we married you to the Daimakaicho. I haven't been the Daimakaicho since the last election. Mara Marller was elected the current Daimakaicho because centuries ago, she completed a quest for the Thirteen Escaped Demons and saved Reality as we know it. And she was stripped of her powers and did it as a normal Human Being who out thought all of her enemies.
MARLLER:
Oh and by the way Darling. My Best Friend's Wedding IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Julia Roberts was in a Cinderella movie called PRETTY WOMAN directed by Gary Marshall who played Satan in HOCUS POCUS. Cameron Diaz was in the Three Fates film CHARLIE'S ANGELS. And Rupert Everett was in CEMETARY MAN, the greatest Zombie Movie of All Time. You figured it out all on your own. I get the feeling this is the beginning of A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.
MARLLER grabs KEVIN NEECE and gives him a big hug and a passionate kiss as the Ah My Goddess Instrumental Theme for OPEN YOUR MIND plays in a Triumphant Score.
MARLLER:
Oh and one more thing. If you want to know my real name, it's not Mara Marller. It's Garadaera Saladorga. You've just been hired onto the Shinigami Staff as a Paid Intern, you're the Demi-God who Takes Out the Trash, and your first order of Business, is you get to Murder Tim League's ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY and BURN THAT FUCKING ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE HEADQUARTERS TO THE FUCKING GROUND WITH TIM LEAGUE AND SHELLI TAYLOR IN IT! After all, Niflheim could use a Good Theater and a New CEO for Starbucks. GO TEAM MARLLER GO!
EVERYBODY breaks down laughing like an ANIME SHOW.
CUT TO FAR SHOT AS THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT FROM THE SET OF LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS.
FADE OUT
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