Ah My Goddess: Cannibal Squad and Hazbin Hotel Existential Meltdown Rough Draft 8/2/2026 Part 5

This is the unfinished work in progress screenplay which will be updated on a daily basis as more scenes are written. I don't have a computer that I can save the files to so I have to email the updated version to myself on a daily basis and post it to my blog for public reference.

Ah My Goddess: Cannibal Squad and Hazbin Hotel Existential Meltdown

Rough Draft 8/2/2026 Part 5

written by Kevin Neece and 

Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads

FADE IN:

EXT KEVIN NEECE HOUSE - DAY

CUT TO:

INT KEVIN NEECE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Ryuk the Shinigami:

Kevin Neece's Death Note War Games is a vicious mockery of the Conspiracy Theories presented in the Epstein Files Investigation, and this year's followup film to The Return of Jeffrey Epstein and The Tutelage of Seiji Noma is a Lampoon of the Conspiracy Theory that Leonardo Dicaprio and Ellen Degeneres were both Cannibals who were eating the flesh of dead children to advance their professional film careers with the Illuminati. It makes for a funny plot on film, but there's just one problem. It sounds like they may have actually gone out and done it in real life, meaning that this movie is no joke at all.

---

The Goddesses that haunt Kevin Neece and collaborate on his Ah My Goddess fan film screenplays as a Spirit Medium frequently manifest Death Incidents on Social Media News that are thematically connected to the fictional movies that Kevin Neece watches, and they do not discriminate between Adults and Underage Children because Death is entirely indiscriminate and it happens to everyone whether we like it or not. Somebody has to be in charge of what happens to those Children and apparently they collaborate with Kevin Neece on Ah My Goddess. There have been incidents over the Past Nine Years where Kevin Neece would invoke the Goddesses and then an incident involving Dead Children would wind up on the News in connection to the films, which leads to the question of whether Kevin Neece is accountable for their actions as an accomplice, even if they were all chosen at random and Kevin had no advance knowledge of who the Goddesses were going to target.

---

We all criticize the Epstein Investigation for what they did to those children, but if Kevin Neece petitions the Goddesses to watch a movie, fully knowing what could happen, and then a Dead Child incident manifests on the News, what morally separates Kevin Neece from the Criminal Occultists being called out in the Epstein Files? What is the moral difference between Kevin Neece and a monster like Jeffrey Epstein? This is a Moral Question that frequently crosses my mind as I write these Ah My Goddess movies. Just remember, these Goddesses that you are all afraid of, the ones who are manipulating all of these death incidents, they are the same Goddesses who are haunting and manipulating the Film Productions of Spindlehorse Animation and Hazbin Hotel / Helluva Boss. And Kodansha Ltd made them sellable and appealing to children with The Adventures of Mini-Goddess back in 1999.

---

It's not that we are all guilty, it's that there is nothing any of us can do to prevent these Death Incidents from happening. These Goddesses have been killing hundreds of people, including children, every day dating as far back as the year 300 BCE meaning they were operating and killing people during the same time period that Jesus Christ walked the earth and may have even orchestrated the Death of Jesus Christ himself. The Goddesses have simply updated with the Modern Times and have chosen to target Hollywood Film Productions and Hollywood Actors as their personal hobby to amuse themselves on the job. They've been doing it as far back as Saturday Night Live from the 1970s, maybe even further than that. What do all of you want Kevin Neece to do about it? 

---

Welcome to Death Note War Games Part 3.

CUT TO:

EXT. STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN - DAY

CUT TO:

INT STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN - DAY

Kevin Neece:

Kind sir... forgive me if I'm mistaken here but... are you an officer with the Austin Police Department? I researched all of their staff members online using their Facebook Accounts and you look very familiar to me.

Undercover APD Officer:

Jesus Christ Kevin, is it really that obvious?

Kevin Neece:

Somebody shut the power off at my house and cut off the Wifi. I'm dependent on access to the internet to keep my operation going, and the only free wifi that I know about is Starbucks. If I thought of this idea, then I must safely assume that the Austin Police Department might be one step ahead of me. Having said that, it's kind of hard to get the drop on someone who has the ability to control the narrative of his own destiny. Ever watch John Candy's Delirious or Will Ferrell's Stranger than Fiction? I rest my case.

Undercover APD Officer:

We know that you thought you were doing the right thing in this case. We know that you spent nine years contacting the Homicide Unit to tell us this was happening to you. And we're sorry that we didn't believe you. It's very difficult to tell what is real and what is mental illness because your Paranormal Investigation is stranger than fiction and the people who are reading your emails have no proper context for what you are trying to tell them.

Kevin Neece:

I knew there was a chance that you were going to try to put me under arrest so you can take possession of the Death Note... but what do you believe is going to happen if the Death Note falls into the hands of the Austin Police Department, and then the FBI, and then the CIA, until finally it winds up in the hands of President Donald Trump, who is being blackmailed by the Nation of Israel and the Illuminati from the Epstein Investigation. Do you understand this? You think you're working for the criminal justice system. But the criminals in this case have infiltrated all of the higher ups that you work for. President Donald Trump is not innocent. He repeatedly targets everybody that talks shit about him with his Lawyers on Defamation Grounds, but he has never ever tried to sue someone for calling him a Child Rapist because he doesn't want the evidence analyzed by a Judge.

Undercover APD Officer:

But President Donald Trump disappeared after the Death Note War was announced on the News. He was in the Epstein files 38,000 times. He claims that all of the photographs of him and Melania Trump partying on Epstein Island with Jeffrey Epstein were fabricated with AI, but it's impossible for all of us to tell if he's telling the truth because the fact checkers on the news keep catching him in endless lies over and over again. Are you trying to tell us that the President is still alive and may have gone into hiding? Did you spare the President's life?

Kevin Neece:

I was saving President Donald Trump for last so I could teach him a lesson in manners. But over the course of my little publicity stunt, I came to realize, half of the United States Citizens voted for him and wanted him to be President. If all of the Occultists and the Satanists in the United States knew how to do the things that I could do, then there would never be a President of the United States because they would just keep death cursing him out of office every time he said something on Social Media to piss them off. It's exactly like the Soldiers from Vietnam who would ban their Army Members from Saluting them because it would single them out in front of the Snipers. You get what I'm saying here? We might not like the Republican Party or the Nation of Islam, but they officially represent half of the United States, and if we want to continue to live in the United States, then we are all going to have to learn to live with them whether we like them or not. This is their country too and their voice still matters.

Undercover APD Officer:

You keep telling everyone "Welcome to Death Note War Games". But War Games are supposed to be simulated. Nobody is supposed to die during a War Game. What you have just done with the System Force is killing unsuspecting Police Officers and Civilians all over the United States, maybe even all over Planet Earth, and none of them had any advance warning that they were Players in your War Game. The NRA Members had No Advance Warning that their firearms were going to backfire on them when they went to the Shooting Ranges. These Rules that you have applied to all of us have no tactical sense. How are we supposed to fight in a War Game where all of our weapons have been disarmed and backfire on us, and everyone will be physically death cursed if they attempt to engage in hand to hand combat or self defense. You really expect all of us to fight each other using only conversation, logic, and reasoning. What prevents you from baiting some unsuspecting player into attacking you if you troll them and piss them off with your arguments? Are you really going to induce them to die from a Heart Attack just because they have a difference of opinion? Is have an opinion in the United States really a crime that warrants the Death Penalty. I thought that the first amendment was supposed to protect people's right to freedom of speech. I thought that the second amendment was supposed to protect people's right to carry firearms. You have unconstitutionally violated everything that America stands for because you listened to Social Media Opinions that are being manipulated by the Rothschild Family and the Conspiracy Theorists who are just as Mentally Unhinged as you are. Your ability to spot patterns and coincidences involving Witchcraft and the Occult are not supernatural. Those gifts that you believe you have are applied to Autism, and you are knowingly a victim of Mental Illness who spent two different visits to the Psych Wards. It doesn't make any sense. You clearly did not think any of this through. You don't understand the rules of your own War Game and it looks like you are making this up as you go along.

Kevin Neece:

Well what do you want me to do about it? Turn myself in and cooperate with you? Well I'm here aren't I? I'm standing right in front of you unarmed? Do you want to find out what happens when you try to take the Death Note away from me? Go ahead. Take a look for yourself. It's yours for the moment. Take it.

Undercover APD Officer:

What are you trying to show us Kevin?

Kevin Neece:

The person who possesses the Death Note has the ability to see the Shinigami, even they are only holding a sheet of paper torn out of the book. Look over to the other tables and ask yourself, does the Shinigami remind you of Ryuk from the Anime Series.

Undercover APD Officer:

I see him. He wasn't standing there a minute ago, and all of the under officer in the room don't appear to be looking at him. You're right, he does look like the Death Note Anime show.

Kevin Neece:

My arguments is that the Ah My Goddess and Hazbin Hotel animated shows were propaganda designed to take real life occult figures and make them sellable to worldwide audiences as a sacrificial offering of publicity. And Death Note was inspired by Real Life Shinigamis from Japanese Folklore. Ryuk might be a work of fiction, but the Shinigamis that inspired him are clearly real. And the only logical explanation for this coincidence is that Tsugumi Ohba cut a deal with them for the Death Note Manga series just like Kosuke Fujishima cut a deal with the Goddess Hotline Office from Ah My Goddess. If Tsugumi Ohba is collaborating with the Shinigami's on Death Note, and he's acting as a consultant for Centcom, which would be the smart move for Commander Admiral Brad Cooper to make, then that means that Centcom might have possession of Tsugumi Ohba's Death Note and they just don't realize it because he's lying to them to protect the book. What prevents the Producers of Death Note from targeting Kevin Neece and his Family Members if they are working with Centcom? Is Tsugumi Ohba really one of the alternate players in this game, or is he secretly on my side and trying to help me think of a way out of this right under Commander Admiral Brad Cooper's nose? I don't know the answer to this question myself, but I find myself thinking about it. Now watch what happens the minute you let go of the Death Note.

Undercover APD Officer:

What Death Note? I appear to have dropped it. Is it under the table? You were talking to me the entire time. I know that you didn't take it from me.

Kevin Neece:

What makes you so sure?

Undercover APD Officer:

Good Sleigh of Hand. Are you a practicing stage magician like Magical Mystical Michael or Saul Ravencraft?

Kevin Neece:

No, I do real magic, not stage magic. The Shinigamis built in a safety precaution to prevent the Death Note from falling into the hands of the FBI or the Trump Administration. The Death Note is nontransferable between owners, and any attempts to steal the Death Note away from me will render the magic in the book null and void until it disappears and reverts right back into my hands, as if it never left me. I cannot get rid of this book even if I wanted to. If you place me under arrest and put me in a Prison Cell, the Prison Warden and the Prison Guards will not be able to take possession of the book, and because I'm haunted by the Goddesses, that means that I have access to general working knowledge of everyone in the United States, including the Army and the Criminal Justice System. I could easily turn myself into the Austin Police Department, let the book disappear during the Trial, and finish the job from the Safety and Comfort of my own Prison Cell and there is nothing they can do about it. They could try to poison my prison meals or starve me or put me in solitary to fuck with me. But if they do that, I will still know the names of the Prison Guards who are doing it, and their family members, and their children. I could give detailed information about the Prison Guards home addresses and vehicle license plates to the other Federal Convicts in the Crime Organizations can track them and have their family members killed. It would literally be like a remake of Renny Harlin's Prison. So if you still feel confident about placing me under arrest, if you want the Death Note War to come to an end, now is your chance. I've already taken down the Rothschild Family Organization and the Epstein Associates. In all fairness, I don't really know who else is left to target anymore. If Centcom and the Pentagon were simply willingly to keep and open mind and give me a little proper guidance, I could be useful to them as a Government Assassion and help them take down the Nation of Iran, the Nation of Israel, and North Korea. But why would they need my Death Note if they've already got access to Tsugumi Ohba and his Death Note?

Undercover APD Officer:

Because the person that owns a Death Note is denied entrance to both Heaven and Hell on the day that they die. And the Death Note is not a Blessing, it is a Devil's Bargain, and all Devil's Bargains end badly. Isn't that what you've been trying to argue about all of our favorite Hollywood movies.

Sepheranz the Spider Queen:

Sorry for the delayed appearance. I finally got my Iced White Chocalate Mocha Latte.

Undercover APD Officer:

And who is this woman supposed to be? Is this Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads?

Sepheranz the Spider Queen:

Very Close. You're getting warmer. I'll give you a hint. I'm the Goddess that Tortures Pedophiles.

Undercover APD Officer:

I'm sorry, what did you just say?

Kevin Neece:

You heard the Lady. She's the Goddess who Tortures Pedophiles in the Spirit Underworld. Everybody loves Dead Pedophiles. You got a problem with that?

Undercover APD Officer:

No Kevin, I'm a police officer. We don't have official policies that allow us to torture the Pedophiles and the Child Sex Offenders. We just plaster their names and home address all over the news to the General Public, then we lock them in a jail cell with Federal Convicts who assault them, rape them, torture them, and kill them. We let the Federal Prison System do the job for us so we don't take the blame for violating their rights.

Kevin Neece:

Well at least you're being honest about it.

Sepheranz the Spider Queen:

I can explain this easily. Let's use Attorney General Ken Paxton as our main example. Ken Paxton took shit from the General Public because he offered a child sex offender named Adam Hoffman a plea deal that involved only 30 days in jail and he was not required to register as a sex offender. The Judge tried to give him 60 days, but he only served 30 days. However, in the short time that Adam Hoffman was in jail, his life was in danger the entire time. Any of the other prisoners could have assaulted him or had him killed because of the unfair light sentence that Ken Paxton gave him. Whether Adam Hoffman paid the consequences for his actions or not, Ken Paxton is not some kind of all knowing psychic, he knew what the risk was when he chose to make that plea deal with Adam Hoffman. Well, you win some, you lose some, but on the day that Adam Hoffman dies and crosses over into the Spirit Underworld, he's going to fall under my jurisdiction, and just you wait and see what I've got planned for him after Adam Hoffman falls right into my lap. I'm going to make him my little play toy. I exist to extract justice against the Pedophiles. It's my own personal hobby and it never stops amusing me to no end. Kevin, would you like to do the honors. I believe that it's time for Adam Hoffman to meet his Fate.

Kevin Neece:

I am one step ahead of you. Adam Hoffman, you are officially going into the Death Note.

Undercover APD Officer:

I'm not even compelled to try and stop you. What's the fucking difference given the current situation that we're in.

Kevin Neece:

So you're not going to arrest me?

Undercover APD Officer:

Why would we arrest you? So you can murder all of the Austin Police Department staff members from the safety and confort of your own jail cell? Let me ask you something. Once your through killing all of us, who is going to be left alive to open the Prison Cell Gates and let your own of your cell. How are you going to walk out of the building? How are you going to get home when you don't have access to your car? You can't hide in our cells forever. You've got to Eat and Sleep sometime.

Kevin Neece:

You're right. We both appear to be at a stand still. However, seeing as we cannot afford to sit and chat forever. Seeing as you have no intentions of placing me under arrest. Our further conversations are pointless and only serve to distract me from acheiving my final goal.

Undercover APD Officer:

And what goal is that supposed to be?

Kevin Neece:

To be the Number One Children's Show on Austin Public Access?

Undercover APD Officer:

That's not a very high goal to have in life.

Kevin Neece:

Yes well, sometimes you've got to lower the bar. Hey Ryuk, I've got a question. How did you get a Starbucks Coffee when nobody else in the restaurant can see you?

Ryuk the Shinigami:

I stole someone else's coffee when they weren't looking and everyone else in the Starbucks that drank the coffee is about to die from food poisoning.

Undercover APD Officer:

I can't hear or see this conversation. What's Harvey the Invisible Rabbit saying to you now?

Kevin Neece:

Ryuk just told me that everyone in the Starbucks who drank the coffee is about to die from Food Poisoning. Everytime Ryuk sits down to eat in a restaurant, the other people eating in the restaurant die. I do not recall that rule ever being featured in the original Death Note anime show but it's a pretty cool plot twist isn't it?

Undercover APD Officer:

Kevin... everybody sitting in the Starbucks are Undercover Austin Police Officers wearing Civilian Clothing.

Kevin Neece:

Oh fuck me. I really didn't think this whole thing through didn't.

Undercover APD Officer:

Everybody out of the restaurant now! We need to get you to Hospital while there's still time.

Kevin Neece:

Good luck with that. My understanding is these Shinigamis are pretty fatal.

CUT TO:

INT APD CHIEF OFFICE - DAY

APD Chief Lisa Davis:

What just happened? What's going on?

CUT TO:

INT STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN - DAY

Undercover APD Officer:

He was trying to help us and turn himself in, he kept talking to someone that we couldn't see, and then he told us that everyone in the restaurant is about die from food poisoning. Call off the other officers now! We need to get everyone to a Hospital Food Poisoning Clinic before its too late!

CUT TO:

INT APD CHIEF OFFICE - DAY

APD Chief Lisa Davis:

Who do you think he was speaking to?

CUT TO:

INT STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN - DAY

Undercover APD Officer:

It was Harvey the Invisible Rabbit! How the fuck should I know! Death Note was supposed to be fictional! Some lady was within that claimed to be the Goddess that Tortures Pedophiles!

CUT TO:

INT APD CHIEF OFFICE - DAY

APD Chief Lisa Davis:

Call off the other Officers and get the Medical Response Teams who deal in Food Poisoning on the phone now! We'll keep an eye on him until we can regroup and think of another way to get to him!

CUT TO:

EXT STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN - DAY

CUT TO:

INT STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN - DAY

Kevin Neece:

Well Sepheranz, it looks like we've got this location to ourselves. At least until they decide to cut off the Wifi. Starbucks has just become our main base of operations for Death Note War Games. Worst case scenario, when this reaches its climax and we need to start moving, we can make our final stand at the Food Court at Barton Creek Mall for the free Wifi. That should give us plenty of room for a Police Stand Off. General Ryuk. How do you think we should proceed?

Ryuk the Shinigami:

With extreme prejudice Kevin. With extreme prejudice. You're the Demi-God Who Takes Out the Trash, so its entirely your call.

Kevin Neece:

Well, for starters, we've just got the Muslim Grooming Gangs from the Rape Gang Inquiry Report dropped into our laps on top of the Cult of Baal, and it's going to be much harder to track the Muslim Sex Offenders than the Epstein Associates because their names aren't featured on the news. We need someone who has done their research to back us up.

Sepheranz the Spider Queen:

Are you aware that the Prophet Muhammad is a real person?

Kevin Neece:

You want to know my personal thoughts about the Prophet Muhammad and how everyone keeps attacking the Christians who disrespect him on Islamophobia Grounds. I have the news stations under orders to run my last words on the Islam Religion in case the Muslim Extremists have me killed. I told them "If I had a time machine like the Doctor Who Television Series, I would use it to travel back in time to when the Prophet Muhammad was still alive, sneak into his tent in the middle of the night when he was sneak, and stab out both of his eyes blinding him. Then I would drop my pants and climb on top of the Prophet Muhammad's face, and skull fuck his eyes sockets while simultaneously shitting into the Prophet Muhammad's mouth until he choked to death and died from my own feces. Once the Prophet Muhammad was dead, I would proceed to decapitate him, and keep his severed head in a bucket of Popeye's Fried Chicken. I would immediately skip and jump back to the Time Machine, singing Disney Songs from Aladdin, return to the White House in 2026, and place the Bucket of Popeye's Fried Chicken with the Prophet Muhammad's Head on President Donald Trump's Desk, with the shit dripping out of the Prophet Muhammad's mouth. And when President Donald Trump walked into the Oval Office and saw my standing there, he would say "Gee Kevin, that's one hell of an act. What do you call this thing." And I would look at the President and respond "The Aristocrats!" So what do you think? Are my famous last words to the Muslim Community everything that you hoped for.

Ryuk the Shinigami:

You should Death Note Illhan Omar. The General Public is dying to see that happen.

Kevin Neece:

That may be true, but Illhan Omar isn't guilty of any crimes that warrant the Death Penalty. She may have illegally married her own brother to gain american citizenship, but if she was smart enough to beat the system and get elected to US Congress, then I strongly feel that she is their problem to deal with and not mine. Illhan Omar is a master at trolling people and pissing people off, and as a fellow agitator, I can give her props on that. Having said that, her interests appear to be in appeasing Somalian Interests over the Interest of the American Citizens, so she probably shouldn't be working as a Representative for US Congress. Once again, not my call to deal with. It's their call. Our focus is on the Sex Offenders from the Illuminati who escaped justice, and we cannot deal with everyone all at once. So we need to stick to our guns here.

Sepheranz the Spider Queen:

Right about now, I find myself wondering what Baal the Canaanite Demon is thinking about all of this. He must be shitting himself in total fear after the number you just pulled on the Rothschild Family Organization.

CUT TO:

EXT MOUNT ZAPHON, SYRIA - SPIRIT UNDERWORLD

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

Send in the Lawyer! Send in the Lawyer! Send in the Lawyer!

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

Inform his royal darkness that The Lawyer has arrived...

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

What's the casualty status report on the Kevin Neece Death Note War against the Epstein Clients that is being reported all over the news?

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

Based on the information that our Illuminati sources have been telling us, the forecast for our survival is looking very cloudy indeed. It looks like rain up ahead, and thunderstorms and lightning straight from the Mountains of Asgard. Kevin Neece was a representative of the Goddess Hotline Office and he is under the protection of Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads. That Goddess has been in power over the spirit underworld since the year 300 BCE and has never taken a husband for the past 2,000 years of existence. There are rumors that she bore an illegitimate child with Lucifer Morningstar thought to be Sepheranz Latismock Norgolana the Spider Queen, but those rumors are unconfirmed as it appears that both Lucifer Morningstar and Hekate appear to have disowned her centuries ago. Hekate literally married a Human, who is an even bigger fucking loser than Keiichi Morisato, just so she could flip off the entire Ah My Goddess Fan Base over would happen if that fictional plot had ever happened in real life. I couldn't believe it myself.

Baal the Canaanite Demon:

Joel Tobeck:

But we're the Illuminati. We literally control all of the Occult Crimes and Power in the United States and Planet Earth itself.

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

Yes, but the Goddesses of Fate, Urd Verdandi Skuld Nornir and Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads, they work for the Goddess Hotline Office. In Norse Paganism, the Three Norns weren't simple equals to the Gods of Asgard, all of the Gods and Demons were subservient to them and forced to bend to their will as they were in control over the development of their fates and their future deaths. Nobody in existence, not even the Gods of Asgard themselves, have the ability to change their fates once they are put into motion, and that means that the Three Fates also carry dominion over Lucifer Morningstar and all of the Demons in the Spirit Underworld too.  The Politicians and Hollywood Actors may have answered to Baal the Canaanite Demon and Lucifer Morningstar to advance their professional careers, but their allegiance to all of us does not give them dominion over the Goddesses of Fate from the Goddess Hotline Office.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

And what about the Muslims and the Nation of Islam? 

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

Kevin Neece just picked a Fight with the Nation of Islam too when the Goddess Hotline Office made an Adaptation of the Rape Gang Inquiry Report on behalf of Rupert Lowe MP and Restore Britain. Rupert Lowe's Research Team was receiving death threats for their involvement in the Rape Gang Inquiry Report, so Kevin Neece adapted their work under the theory that they would be offered the same spiritual protection that he has been receiving from the System Force due to his work for the Goddess Hotline Office. When Kevin Neece adapted the Rape Gang Inquiry Report, Restore Britain's Enemies from the Muslim Community became the Goddess Hotline Office's enemies and are therefore being sabotaged by the System Force. Kevin Neece put this theory to the test by sending the Movie to all of the Online Muslim Mosques in Texas, California, and Florida to see if any Muslim Extremists came out of the woodworks to threaten him or attack him and nobody responded to him. Nobody said a word. The System Force has been protecting him.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

Actually, that does make sense. Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads and the All Female Staff of the Goddess Hotline Office are Feminists who protect the rights of women, and Hekate herself is a Spiritual Protector of Dogs. If the Muslim Community are practicing an Islamic Religion that they feel enables them to force their women into marriage, rape abuse and murder them, and impregnant nine year old children under Sharia Law, then their allegience to the Prophet Muhammad would not give them power over Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads, it would piss her off and incite her to death curse them and their family members just to teach them a lesson. What Kevin Neece is doing is fucking brilliant. He's weaponized an entire army of Pagan Mythology Goddesses that the Nation of Islam and the Nation of Israel cannot control or petition themselves because it is forbidden by their own religious beliefs.

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

The Muslims are Pedophiles, and Skuld Nornir is a Death Goddess suspended in the form of a child. If Skuld Nornir had not abandoned her job duties to run off with the Marller Gang when they were exiled into the future, she would have every reason to Death Curse the Muslim Rape Gangs and the Epstein Pedophiles that Kevin Neece just went to war with. You better hope and pray to whatever Gods necessary that the US Government and the MI5 are unable to hunt down the Marller Gang because if Mokkurkalfi and Skuld Nornir ever come back and join in with Kevin Neece's Death Note War, we are all going to be completely fucked. Doctor What is Mokkurkalfi, which means that his access clearance to the Niddhog System in Niflheim grants him special privileges over the Demons from Niflheim that are operating on earth. Mokkurkalfi was literally the third in line of Demonic Power only after Hild-sama The Daimakaicho and Hagall the Illusionist, her second in command. We do not want Mokkurkalfi to come back.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

This is bad. Very very bad. I did not need this fucking headache when I woke up this morning. If Kevin Neece is working for the Goddess Hotline Office, and has access to a Death Note that can kill anyone on planet earth using only their names, what do you believe is going to happen to our operation when he realizes he can identify all of our members for the Illuminati using his access clearance to the Yggdrasil System. Our Staff Members for the Illuminati are Human Beings on Earth. All of the Human Beings on Earth and their Sins are being documented and recorded by the Goddess Hotline Office for their Trials in the Afterlife. Not only does Kevin Neece know how to identify all of us, he knows what crimes we've already committed no different than the records being kept by the NSA and the Mossad.

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

It sounds like our options are dwindling. If the Illuminati attempts to pick a fight with the Goddess Hotline Office, and they know how to identify us, even if they couldn't take down our entire staff overnight, they could still target the ringleaders of our operations and sabotage us with the System Force. If we go to war with the Goddess Hotline Office, we are probably going to lose. Our only options available to us are to try and mediate the situation by talking down Kevin Neece before he takes this Death Note War any further. It's already gone further than we can afford to go. He systematically wiped out the entire Rothschild Family Organization in one night. He systematically wiped out everyone incriminated in the Epstein Files. And it has become quite clear that the Shinigami's are not going to let him walk away from the Death Note Contract easily. They are going to force him to use that Death Note to defend himself for the rest of his life.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

But we're the Illuminati. Our whole purpose in life is to extort people and hold power over them by targeting their family members. Kevin Neece has to have somebody close that he cares about enough to back down from this.

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

The entire reason why this happened is because Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads killed his Atheist Father, so we can't get to him. His Grandfather Roy Neece was a Millionaire, but he gave most of his money away to the Lutheran Church when he died so we can't get to him either. All of Kevin Neece's grandparents are dead. He's been disowned by the Neece Family because of his beliefs in Hekatean Witchcraft. And his wife Angela Soto hates his guts so much that she moved to Katy Texas and refuses to tell anybody where she lives to prevent the Soto Family Deadbeats from trying to move back in with her. The only person left that Kevin Neece seems to care about is his daughter Lindsay Ashley Neece, and the Goddess Hotline Office is not going to let her go without a fight because they went through the trouble of putting her through college in Salem Massachusetts. She actually graduated with a Bachelor's Degree.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

You mean to tell me that Kevin Neece picked a fight with the Illuminati and the entire US Government, and he left his own daughter wide open in another state where he can't get to her. How the fucking hell has Lindsay Neece survived this long without anybody coming after her? It would be like taking candy from a baby. You would think that those fucking incompetent morons from the FBI would have gotten to her right now.

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

That's the scary part. It sounds like Lindsay Neece is being protected by the System Force and it resulted in everyone in the Criminal Justice System and the Illuminati Occult Groups turning a blind eye to her existence. She's almost as invisible to our radar as Kevin Neece was for the past nine years. Well... almost.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

If we attempt to approach Lindsay Neece ourselves, and it turns out that the Goddess Hotline Office is protecting her, the System Force is going to put our staff members into a grinder. We need to send out a decoy to see what happens when we attempt to come after her. The best case scenario is we're wrong, we kidnap her easily, and it will give us some kind of leverage to talk Kevin Neece down from the Death Note War. The worst case scenario is the System Force wipes out and kills our decoys, and then we'll know for sure that our best options are to keep our distance from her for our own protection. We need a patsy. A Ringleader. A Dope. An Idiot so desperate to save themselves that they are willing to fall for our Ruse without asking too many questions. What we need is a Hudsucker Proxy to carry out this suicide mission.

Leonardo DiCaprio:

I'm sorry to interrupt the both of you, but we put in a petition to speak to Baal the Canaanite Demon after we died, and they redirected the both of us to this office at Mount Zyphon.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

Speak of the Devil. Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Degeneres. We were just speaking about the both of you right now. It's so nice to be graced with your presence. So what was it like to die from a heart attack from a Japanese Shinigami? Was it painful? or was it quick? I'm just morbidly curious. I've never actually been killed by Death Note before.

Ellen DeGeneneres:

Well the both of us were just killed by a Death Note, but we assure you that it was not quick and painless like all of the other Epstein Associates that Kevin Neece targeted. He was saving the both of us for something special. Would you like to do the honors Leo?

Leonardo DiCaprio:

Wrap your minds around this situation. Somebody from the Criminal Organizations secretly infiltrated our houses and chloroformed the both of us in the middle of the night. And when we both woke up, we were sitting in a boat house on a lake. Then the Criminals took out a couple of chainsaws and quadruple amputated the both of us with no warning or discussion. They cut off both of our arms. They cut off both of our legs. And they saved our heads for last so that we would both feel every inch of pain that they were inflicting upon us. Once we were dead, we both suffered an out of body experience and we were forced to witness them chopping up our bodies into little bite sized pieces. Once they were finished, they gathered up all of the pieces, tossed them into a garbage bag, then we followed them onto a boat and they took us out into shark infested waters. Then they started making jokes about Ellen Degeneres role in Pixar's Finding Nemo franchise and they fed us to sharks. We couldn't fucking believe it.

Ellen Degeneres:

So after the Criminal Hitman finished feeding our remains to the sharks, we were both transported to meet Saint Peter and a representative from the Goddess Hotline Office, and they explained to the both of us what just happened to give us some context. Some unknown filmmaker from Austin Texas named Kevin Neece was practicing Hekatean Witchcraft, and he files a Petition against the both of us out of concerns to the conspiracy theories that Leonardo DiCaprio and I were both cannibals who eat children to advance our professional careers. When Kevin Neece did this, he ran a copy of the petition by a known terrorist organization called the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps. Then Kevin Neece used his Death Note Replica to put a curse on the Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu and it resulted in him being diagnosed with Blood Cancer after he had just previous survived an operation for Prostate Cancer. When the Iranians realized that Kevin Neece was responsible for the Blood Cancer curse on Benjamin Netanyahu, they decided to thank him for his services and return the favor by enlisting the Criminal Organizations in our respective countries to perfrom the Hit Job on the both of us, following Kevin Neece's instructions to the letter.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

This is all very fascinating. However, I would point out that what you and Leonardo DiCaprio did to those children classifies as a Devil's Bargain Contract for Fame and Fortune. And everyone knows that eventually a Devil's Bargain ends badly. Just like the recent incident that happened to the animation staff members at Spindlehorse Animation for the Hazbin Hotel Helluva Boss television show. Vivienne Medrano was a party animal, and they partied themselves until they died. Because everybody wants to party with the Devil, but nobody wants to pay the check.

Ellen Degeneres:

I just don't understand what everyone's problem is with our dietary lifestyle. Is it my fault that the flesh of newborn babies taste like cream cheese? Once again, is it my fault that the flesh of newborn babies taste like cream cheese? These people don't know what it's like to taste newborn babies because they're too chicken shit to take the dive man. Once you've tasted baby flesh, it's impossible to go back from it. I don't want I Can't Believe it's Not Butter! I want my cream cheese baby flesh meals goddammit! Life is so unfair. I've finally tasted blood and I want more, and what happens, the Goddesses of Fate intervene to take it all away! 

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

True, but general society tends to care about the safety and welfare of children. Couldn't you just upgrade to eating adults instead? Adults are tasty too you know.

Ellen Degeneres:

That's what I've been trying to tell everyone, but nobody fucking listens to me! The difference between eating adults and eating children is literally the same as the difference between cooking Steak and eating Veal. Nobody fucking points fingers at us for eating steak at Texas Land and Cattle. Nobody fucking points fingers at us for eating steak and eggs at Denny's Restaurant. Do these people who buy Hamburgers from McDonalds complain about eating Veal that they buy from the local supermarket? Do these people realize what it looks like when the slaughterhouses kill those baby calfs in order to make that Veal? I used to like Veal. I used to believe that Veal was tasty. But it's not as tasty as the flesh of newborn babies. And now its all gone because that fucking rat Jeffrey Epstein exposed us all over social media.

Leonardo DiCaprio:

Weren't you accused of keeping your ex girlfriend Anne Heche's body parts in your freezer as leftovers?

Ellen Degeneres:

Yes, but technically I was already eating Anne Heche every night when we were dating. Her pussy was delicious. 

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

Leo leo leo. You're missing the Irony here. You never needed a Devil's Bargain contract to be rich and famous because you were always a talented actor to begin with. If anything you were one of the best actors of your generation. It's entirely understandable that Ellen Degeneres would stoop to this level because Ellen Degeneres has no talent. He sabotaged her own hit television show Ellen by making it about lesbianism and her only claim to fame was starring in Mr Wrong with Bill Pullman before the Pixar Movies. But you Leo, was your allegiance actually necessary just to keep your career going?

Ellen Degeneres:

My television series walked so that Bisexual Animators like Vivienne Medrano could run with lesbian relationships like Charlie Morningstar and Vaggie in Hazbin Hotel.

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

Yes, about Charlie Morningstar. Our intelligence connections have warned us that Lucifer Morningstar's daughter just came to earth to try and mediate negotiations with Kevin Neece, but something went wrong with the portal and she was exiled to an unknown location where nobody can find her. She's definitely here on earth right now, that we know, but Charlie Morningstar has never been to earth before. All that she knows is the Hellerverse and that fucking hotel. This Death Note War is a fucking nightmare and Lucifer's daughter is about to get caught in the crossfire which is only going to make things even worse. We don't just need to mediate the situation with Kevin Neece here, we need to find Charlie Morningstar before the US Government and the Goddess Hotline Office finds her first. If the Urban Legends that are being reported are true, if Sepheranz really is Lucifer Morningstar's estranged daughter, then Charlie Morningstar is Sepheranz the Spider Queen's half sister, and that makes her the only leverage that we are going to have with the Cult of Hekate, the Cult of Lucifer, and the Troth Organization.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

Leo. Ellen. Do you still trust us?

Leonardo DiCaprio:

Fuck no we don't trust you. The entire reason that all of this is happening to us is because we all chose to listen to you in the first place. You are bad bad manager Baal. Somebody needs to fire your fucking ass like The Apprentice.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

Look, the Rothschild Family own all of the News Outlets. And the entire General Public knows that they control the news outlets because they were extensively featured in the Epstein Files. Hence the general public assumes that the Rothschild Family are the Illuminati and photographs of their family dinners have tipped off the conspiracy theorists that the Rothschild Family were members of the Cult of Baal.

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

The Illuminati has done everything within our power to release the Fact Check Articles to clear your names, and we reprogrammed all of the Google AI, Yahoo AI, and Grok AI algorithms to tell everyone that what they are looking at is Fake AI Deepfakes and Misinformation. But the general public has wised up to us. The general public are simply too smart for us. No Fact Check Article in the world is going to convince them that the two of you didn't commit those Cannibal Crimes against Children because they have no reason to trust Social Media News. The game is up, you both got caught. We all got caught. If anything, what Jeffrey Epstein just did to all of us was comparable to Gollum's role in Lord of the Rings. Everybody knew that Gollum was the villain and could not be trusted. Everyone insisted that Gollum should be killed, but at the end of the movie, Gollum was the only one that resulted in the Destruction of the One Ring of Power because Frodo was consumed by it and tried to walk away. If Gollum's life had not been spared, then Middle Earth would have been lost. If Jeffrey Epstein had not documented everyone that he met, then the FBI would have had no evidence to go on, and the Epstein Files would never have been revealed to the General Public. No matter how much we all hate Jeffrey Epstein, it was his dedication to covering his own ass that exposed the Illuminati Practices to the general public. Without Jeffrey Epstein as the Middle Man, we would have kept on trucking and nobody ever would have been the wiser.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

So we are asking you both once more. Can you still trust us to set things right? Kevin Neece has a daughter that recently graduated from college in Salem Massachusetts. We need to send a response team back to earth to try and find her before she falls into the hands of the Goddess Hotline Office or the Intelligence Agencies. We have to send somebody to earth now to handle the jobs themselves, no lackies, no subordinates, it needs to be somebody that everybody trusts, and the both of you are famous Hollywood Celebrities. The general public doesn't know what happened to you because they never found your bodies, all that they know is you both disappeared during the Death Note War. If we can send you back to Salem Massachusetts, everyone will simply believe that the both of you are still alive, and the Death Note won't work on your twice because you're already dead. That should give you an immunity over Kevin Neece.

Leonardo DiCaprio:

Kevin Neece just mass murdered some of the most powerful influential people on planet earth within one night, a matter of hours, and now you want the both of us to piss him off by kidnapping his daughter. If we do this, everyone at the Goddess Hotline Office is going to come after us before we can even bring her back to you.

The Lawyer

Elijah Wood:

But not if you blood sacrifice Lindsay Neece with this Sacred Dagger on location in Salem. You don't need to transport her anywhere. You just need to find her, take her to a private location, and perform the ritual so that her soul will be sent back to us at Mount Zaphon where the Goddess Hotline Office cannot get to her.

Ellen Degeneres:

So all you're asking us to do, is blood sacrifice some plus size child from Austin Texas. This sounds like a missed opportunity. Lindsay Neece is so big, she could pass as a Thanksgiving Turkey at one of our dinners.

Baal the Canaanite Demon

Joel Tobeck:

No no no. Lindsay Neece is NOT FOR EATING under any circumstances. Lindsay Neece is for hostage negotiations. Kevin Neece and the Goddess Hotline Office are never going to listen to us if we break our word to return her to his family safely. You have your orders. Get to work. The clock is ticking.

CUT TO:

NEWS REPORT BROADCAST

News Reporter:

Reports have just come in all over America. After Kevin Neece launched his Death Note War against the Illuminati and the Cult of Baal, Death Incidents all over America were being reported against Police Officers and Criminals who attempted to use Firearms, either to defend themselves or commit crimes. Whenever the Police Officers were put in the position of using their firearms in the service of their jobs, their guns backfired on them, killing them instantly in the process, as if they were being taken down by an invisible force of God. We received reports from a Convenience Store Owner who was held hostage at gunpoint, and the gun backfired on the Robber, killing him instantly, as if they were being protected by a invisible force of God. Some declared the incidents to be a Miracle. Some declared the Incidents to be the work of God. While others declared the incidents to be a work of Tragedy killing innocent people. None of the NRA members at the Shooting Ranges had any type of context or warning that their firearms were going to backfire on them and kill them. Those people who were at the shooting ranges were not trying to harm innocent people, they were firing at lifeless targets and the invisible force of God killed them anyways. These random acts of violence showcase no discrimination in their ability to kill both the guilty and the innocent. All that we know is that our firearms do not work properly and the more violence that is attempted by American Citizens, the higher the Death Toll Rises on the Nightly News. Exactly how long is Kevin Neece's Death Note War expected to continue, now that he's already taken down the entire Rothschild Family Organization and the Epstein Associates all in one night. When is this all going to stop? How many more enemies does Kevin Neece need to face before he will finally be satisfied, and why are Centcom and the Police so unwilling to come forward to stop it? And most importantly of all: are Doctor What and the Marller Gang aware of what has happened after they were driven into exile into the future? Are the Marller Gang prepared to face justice and return home to try and set things right? We need more than a Miracle right now if we are ever going to survive this Death Note War... what we need right now is the Mercy and Forgiveness of Almighty God... like right now... more news to report at 11 as our information and research team continues on.

CUT TO:

EXT BUMBLEFUCK NOWHERE - DAY

Charlie Morningstar:

Well Vaggie... it's official. We are stranded in the middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere, with no fucking clue as to where we are or where we need to go to get to Austin Texas where Kevin Neece lives. And from what I can tell, based on the limited reactions that we've had with people today... I can't really tell the difference between Planet Earth and the Hellerverse... at all.

Vaggie:

Well, in some ways, Planet Earth is like the Star Wars Prequels that build up to the Hellerverse. Everyone knows that the Star Wars Prequels fucking suck, and the only way that Hell could be any worse than the Star Wars Prequels would be if all of the characters died and went to Hell where all of us live, and we were forced to mediate and live with horrible bastards like Liam Neeson, Hayden Christensen, and Jar Jar Binks for the rest of our Afterlives.

Charlie Morningstar:

I've never thought about that before. The reason why Planet Earth is such a horrible place to live, is because all of these people are the same people who die and go to Hell. Planet Earth really is like the Star Wars Prequels leading up to the Demons in Hazbin Hotel. Well, this mission is officially a bust, but I'm not ready to give up, not after we've already come this far. But right now, we need to reload and put more gas in the tank so our trip can continue. We've got to find a restaurant and get something to eat. I haven't eaten for hours since we left the Hellerverse.

Vaggie:

Well you're in luck Charlie. There's a Bumblefuck Diner right around the corner.

CUT TO:

INT BUMBLEFUCK NOWHERE DINER

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

Good evening Ladies. How may I be of assistance to you?

Charlie Morningstar:

Well first off, if you could explain to us exactly where we are and how we can get to Austin Texas, that would be great. Followed by a light lunch.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

Young ladies. I'm afraid that you are both a long long ways from Austin Texas. The both of you are literally standing within the heart of Bumblefuck Nowhere. And we miles away from virtually everywhere so unless you drove in here, you're not going to want to walk to the next town.

Charlie Morningstar:

Well, we can focus on that problem after lunch. I'm fucking starving here. How much do you want for that sandwich?

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

How much do you have?

Charlie Morningstar:

Well that's the thing. Back in the Hellerverse, I was practically fucking royalty, and we were loaded up the asses with riches. But what we didn't take into consideration, was once we crossed dimensions into Bumblefuck Nowhere, our money was a different currency than what you people might be using here on Planet Earth. Do you accept Gold Coins.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

Sorry Charlie. We do not accept Gold Coins like Super Mario Brothers.

Charlie Morningstar:

Do you accept Silver Coins?

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

Sorry Charlie. We do not accept Silver Coins. I would redirect you to a foreign currency exchange to try and help you, but there's just one problem. We are standing in the middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere. We don't have the same things that they have in the Big City. I mean, we've got a Bumblefuck Diner. We've got a Bumblefuck Gas Station. We've got a Bumblefuck School. We've got a Bumblefuck Library. We've even got a Bumblefuck Cinema. Unfortunately, the only movies that come to our Bumblefuck Cinema look like they were being dumped on us by an unknown distributor who was too lazy to put the work in and gave the movies away just to get rid of them. I have sat down and studied each of these movies, watching each and every one of them nearly thirty times over, like they were some sort of historical artifacts, and the strangest part of all, is all of them star Kevin Sorbo.

Charlie Morningstar:

Okie Dokie Karaoke. So you don't accept Gold Coins. And you don't accept Silver Coins. And I don't have a Credit Card because we've never been outside of the Hellerverse before. However, it has occured to me that when Poor Women are in Times of Need, they have always been able to fall back on the World's Oldest Profession if you get my drift. And the only thing that I have to offer you in trade are the three holes that my father Lucifer gave me. So let's haggle over which hole you want to fuck in exchange for those sandwiches. Would you like to fuck my dirty mouth? Would you like to fuck my dirty ass? Or are you man enough to breed my dirty pussy and give my father Lucifer the grandchildren that he's always wanted?

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

I'm sorry. What did you just say?

Vaggie:

The Strap On Charlie! Tell him about the Strap On!

Charlie Morningstar:

Right, if you're into Internet Voyeurism, my lesbian girlfriend and I are more than prepared to fuck each other and let you video record us so you can sell the videos on OnlyFans for money. We're practically internet celebrities here on Planet Earth, so trust us, our names have marquee value. And just to sweeten the deal, my lesbian girlfriend brought her Strap On for Emergencies such as this one.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

Are you insinuating that you are planning to peg me in the ass with a Strap on in my own Diner in exchange for a couple of sandwiches? Do I look like a Homosexual to you? Is it really that obvious?

Vaggie:

Don't be so silly. She's going to peg me in the ass with that Strap On and you get to profit off of the video recordings on OnlyFans.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

We do not barter food to the Homeless in exchange for Sexual Entertainment Services. Not even in the Middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere.

Charlie Morningstar:

Vaggie look over in the corner. They've got a stage set up for Live Music Venues. We can put on a Live Sex Show and the customers of Bumblefuck Nowhere will give us free money so we can book an Uber to Austin Texas.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

No no. Please do not do that. Our paying customers are Christians and I do not think they will appreciate watching a Live Sex Show in the middle of their Family Dinner. In fact. Hey Margaret! Get the Police on the Phone and get them down here! We've got an issue here!

Vaggie:

That's wonderful, Charlie Morningstar's father Lucifer has connections at all of the Police Stations on Planet Earth. We're practically already saved.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

Never mind the Police Margaret. Get the shotgun instead.

Charlie Morningstar:

No honestly, we would love to speak to the police.

The Clerk:

Alex Brightman:

Never mind the Shotgun Margaret. Get the Pepper Spray instead.

Vaggie:

Listen Asshole. We have been as nice about this as we are going to be. But I am going to put my foot down. If you don't accept Gold Coins. And you don't accept Silver Coins. And you are so unwillingly to fuck my girlfriends dirty ass, dirty pussy, or dirty mouth in exchange for those sandwiches then what the fucking hell else do you want from us? We just want to speak to a fucking Police Officer.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

I was bluffing. We don't have a Police Station in the middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere. The only way we would get the Police in here would be if it was a Major Emergency that would require them to drive in here from the next town over.

Charlie Morningstar:

This is a major emergency. I am the Princess of Hell, the only Heir to the Throne of Lucifer Morningstar, and I have traveled here to Planet Earth to Parlay with Kevin Neece and the Goddess Hotline Office over a fucking Death Note War that has been wiping out all of our connections with the Illuminati and killing innocent people all over planet earth. If you want all of this killing to stop, you are going to have to get us an Uber to Austin Texas.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

If you both are out of money, and you both are so dead set in engaging in the World's Oldest Profession to Fuck Your Way across the United States to Austin Texas, then I'm sure that the Uber drivers would be more than happy to get a fare that's already willing to have sex with them so that they wouldn't have to rape you anyways.

Vaggie:

I totally forgot about that. All of the Uber drivers in the United States are Closet Rapists and Internet Pornographers. Which means they may have connections with Asmodeus from the Lust District.

Charlie Morningstar:

Do you think Asmodeus could score us a dayjob with Uber so we can raise some money to get to Austin Texas.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

Do either of you have a Credit Debit Card connected to a Bank Account?

Vaggie:

Our bank accounts are back in the Hellerverse. They don't exist in this dimension.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

Do either of you have an iPhone7 App that can create an Uber account?

Charlie Morningstar:

I'm sorry. What's an iPhone7?

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

I'll take that as a no. If you don't have a bank account, if you don't have an iphone7 with wifi connections to the internet, then you're not going to be able to set up an account that would allow you to work for Uber. Not even in exchange for Sexual Enterainment Services.

Vaggie:

It sounds like we're going to have to bite the bullet on this one. If we're going to raise the money for an Uber to Austin Texas, then we are both going to have to find jobs to raise the money and just pray to god that Kevin Neece doesn't wipe out and kill the entire United States within the two weeks that it takes us to get our first paychecks. And being that we are presently stranded in the middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere... our job experience is going to be very limited. We might even be as blacklisted as Kevin Neece is because neither of us have American Citizenship.

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

Well why didn't you just tell me that in the first place. We've got an entire series of Bumblefuck Nowhere Hotels up and down the road looking to hire Wetbacks and Illegal Immigrants under the table all the time. Just don't tip off ICE Immigration about it if you both know what's good for you. Do either of you have any Hotel Experience?

Charlie Morningstar:

Are you kidding? I was born and raised to work the Hotel Circuit. Bumblefuck Nowhere might just be the best run of luck we could ever have. Now about those two sandwiches. Which one of my three holes would you like to fuck?

The Clerk

Alex Brightman:

Please get the fuck out of my Diner. I'll just masturbate to transgender porn in secret like all of the other Christian Republicans do when I get home.

CUT TO:

----

INT. STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN TEXAS

Kevin Neece:

Hey man, I wish I could have a director like Robert Altman fix all of the problems with my anime show and my screenplays, but as it presently stands, the only people who have ever supported me on Ah My Goddess are the Dead Viking Goddesses that inspired it. I feel like I'm a collaborator who's missing his second writing partner. Hekate can't write all of my screenplays for me. I have to contribute something to the equation.

Ryuk the Shinigami:

You just said that the only people who are willing to collaborate with you are Dead People. Robert Altman has been dead since 2006 and you're married to a Death Goddess that can invoke people from the Afterlife. That's why Jim Carrey was possessed by the ghost of Andy Kaufman for his performance on Man on the Moon, it's because he was being haunted by Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads when he made The Mask for Dark Horse Comics. You've secretly had access to all of the best filmmakers you could ever ask for, you just didn't realize your potential. Robert Altman is not in a position of power to say no to you.

Kevin Neece:

Are you seriously suggesting that I use my connections with Hekate to invoke Robert Altman from the dead so I can force him to work on my movie? And while we're at it, why don't we invoke Rick Jason, or Shecky Greene, or Jack Hogan. We can't invoke Vic Morrow because I am Vic Morrow.

Sepheranz The Spider Queen:

All of those filmmakers you just mentioned worked on Combat for a reason, it's because they all had military experience during World War II that gave them insight into their performances. The Military Personal at Centcom might be out to get you, the whole world might be out to get you. You need collaborators with Military Experience and the dead filmmakers from Combat are not in a position to say no to you if you invoke them.

Ryuk the Shinigami:

The entire Hollywood community might blacklist you and ignore you when they are alive, but once they die and cross over, they don't have the ability to say no to you if you invoke them. You successfully invoked Stanley Kubrick to co-write his own cameo scene in Let's Save Vic Morrow and you didn't even realize he was helping you. You just have to do it again on purpose.

Sepheranz The Spider Queen:

Remember, Stanley Kubrick made the Military Black Comedy Full Metal Jacket with a Real Drill Instructor named Lee Ermey. The same principle applies to the filmmakers from Combat.

Kevin Neece:

And whose soul would have I have to sell to pay for this magic trick?

Sepheranz The Spider Queen:

No Kevin. This one is on me. 

----

INT CENTCOM

Centcom Commander Admiral Brad Cooper:

Somebody please explain to me how a blacklisted dishwasher from Austin Texas is outmaneuvering our military operations when he has no military experience.

Kosuke Fujishima:

Well, you're right about one thing, the closest that Kevin Neece ever came to the military was his wife Angela Soto. He was fucking his girlfriend every night like he found himself a porn star and eventually she got bored with it and tried to join the army to get away from her annoying Soto Family. When Kevin Neece realized that his one good thing was about to leave him, he was forced to marry her so he could join her on the military base after her Boot Camp Training, but it backfired on both of them. Angela Soto broke her leg during training and came back home to Austin Texas on leave, and then he accidentally got her pregnant. The Military gave her the choice of aborting their child to stay on, or accepting an honorary discharge and she chose to protect her daughter Lindsay's right to life, which destroyed her military career and the one chance that she had to do something with her life. Kevin tried to support his wife through Medical Coding College when he was a dishwasher at Alamo Drafthouse Lake Creek, but after interning at the local hospital, Angela realized that she had made a career mistake and her heart just wasn't in it, so she intentionally sabotaged all of her job interviews claiming that the pay just wasn't high enough as the paychecks she was receiving from HEB Grocery as a Cashier. It is now several decades later, Angela Soto and Kevin Neece separated after 16 years of marriage, but they never divorced on paper, he shared Jim Neece's inheritance with her right down the middle on a handshake deal to prevent her from putting their daughter Lindsay through a Court Custody Battle. Angela Soto is officially the highest paid cashier in HEB Grocery history, earning twice as much as her own managers, and she has her own house in Katy Texas that nobody knows about except for his daughter Lindsay. She refuses to give out her address to prevent her deadbeat Soto Family from forcing themselves onto her and moving in with her. Now here's the scary part. Kevin Neece's wife is a Dark Skinned Cherokee Indian, and the reason why they chose to get divorced is because she came home from the Beauty Salon with her Hair dyed shock white like Urd from the Ah My Goddess Anime Series, and her entire personality had changed like she was possessed, to such an extent that her own mother Mary thought it was witchcraft too. Spirit Wives are infamously known to intervene in their Human Hosts relationships to break them up and keep them to themselves, and that is exactly what it looks like the Goddess Hotline Office did to Kevin Neece and Angela Soto. It's not that he doesn't love her, it's that her personality has changed to the point that she has become completely heartless, as if she has lost her human soul and they don't know how to help her. When Lindsay graduated from Salem College, Angela Soto was so cruel to their mother Debbie Brand, after she paid for their entire trip, that Kevin's Mother broke down crying in the vehicle when she wasn't looking and vowed to cut Angela Soto off from her Death Insurance and Inheritance to teach her a lesson. You cannot bite the hand that feeds you and get away with it.

Centcom Commander Admiral Brad Cooper:

So it doesn't sound like we can use his wife as a bargaining chip. But all of this still doesn't answer my question. Where is Kevin Neece getting his military advice from?

Tsugumi Ohba:

You're not thinking interdimensionally Commander Admiral. Kevin Neece believes that he is the reincarnation of Vic Morrow from Twilight Zone The Movie. And Vic Morrow was the star of the World War 2 Television Drama Combat during the 1960s. Do you get where I'm going with this?

Centcom Commander Admiral Brad Cooper:

But Vic Morrow was a B Movie Actor. He did serve in the Military for two years before dropping out, but that was in the Navy, not the actual army. Sergeant Saunders was just a Television Performance.

Tsugumi Ohba:

Yes, but Combat is regarded as one of the most authentic Television Dramas ever made about World War 2, to such an extent that many of the actors and directors actually served in the military during World War 2 themselves. The high level of research and character development that Vic Morrow put into Sergeant Saunders may have further educated him in the Military Strategy Practices they used during the war.

Centcom Commander Admiral Brad Cooper:

You're suggesting that Kevin Neece learned military strategy by watching a Television Drama from the 1960s that was starring himself during a Past Life. Does Kevin Neece have any past life memories of actually being Vic Morrow?

Jim Carrey:

Kevin Neece researched his witchcraft methods from a YouTube Channel called Satania, who were accused of stealing their knowledge from ancient sources and any other occult websites that weren't nailed down. Wherever Satania was secretly getting their information from, some element of truth or Demonic Invocation Rituals may have slipped through the cracks that Kevin Neece was able to use to his advantage because his spirit wife Hekate was implementing the Spirit Invocations for him. One of the Spell's featured on Satania YouTube was an Invocation to Unblock Past Life Memories: Zar Urrak Sasana Mit Du Palakar. You repeat the mantra over and over again for 25 minutes every night for 40 days and it allows you to remember details from your past lives, but there is a danger element involved. In order to remember your past life, you have to also remember the moment of your birth, followed by the moment of your death. Not everybody got to be a Roman Soldier. Some of those idiots got to experience in graphic detail what it was like to be nailed to a cross in the hot sun, or tortured by the Catholic Church for witchcraft during the Dark Ages. And Kevin Neece's Past Life was Vic Morrow, a man who was infamously decapitated by a Helicoper during a War Scene as a Sick Practical Joke by the Fates referencing his work on the Combat Television Series. The only question is, did Kevin Neece successfully perform the spell to unblock past life memories, and does he remember being Vic Morrow during the production of Combat from the 1960s in such a manner that it could be used to his advantage.

Christopher Wray:

We were able to hack Kevin Neece's iphone so that we could listen on on his conversations at Starbucks with Sepheranz The Spider Queen and the Death Note Shinigamis. And they were discussing the possibility of bringing on Robert Altman as a Military Consultant. Robert Altman died back in 2006. He's using his connections to Hekate as a Death Goddess Spirit Wife Assistant to invoke the Dead Filmmakers from Combat because they have hands on military experience. Robert Altman flew 50 successful missions as the pilot of a B-24 liberator with the 307th Bombing Group in Borneo and the Dutch East Indies. He didn't become a filmmaker until after the war, which is why one of his first major movies was a military comedy that inspired the MASH television series. Remember children. Suicide is Painless. It brings on Many Changes. And I can take or leave it if I please. These were the original lyrics from the film adaptation of MASH before it was censored for Television Audiences and turned into a Sitcom.

----

EXT BUMBLEFUCK NOWHERE HOTEL

CUT TO:

INT BUMBLEFUCK NOWHERE HOTEL OFFICE

Hotel Manager

Richard Steven Horvitz:

So tell me... why do you feel you would make a Good Match for the Hotel Industry? When most Wetbacks and Illegal Immigrants apply to work for us, they usually go for the Maid Positions, or Clean the Toilets. You two on the other hand feel confident enough to go the distance for Hotel Management on your first time out. This peaks my curiosity. Do you actually have any previous Hotel Experience?

Charlie Morningstar:

Kind Sir, I am the Owner of my own Hazbin Hotel back in the Hellerverse. Perhaps you may have heard of us. We're practically celebrities here on Planet Earth thanks to Amazon Prime and a Woman named Vivienne Medrano. I don't know where Vivienne Medrano ever heard about us in the first place, but you know, sometimes ideas just sort of leak out into the void and get intercepted by Creative Artists. It's as if I'm secretly Vivienne Medrano's Soul Mate. I'm her Muse that allows her to express herself. Anyways, that's my theory for the coincidences.

Hotel Manager

Richard Steven Horvitz:

And exactly how many years of service did it take you to gain ownership control of your Hazbin Hotel. What was your starting position? How many years did you work and how many positions did you go through to get promoted to the Owner of the Hazbin Hotel?

Charlie Morningstar:

Right, about that. I didn't exactly start at the bottom. I'm the Princess of Hell. My father Lucifer bought me the Hotel because I called in a few favors. 

Hotel Manager

Richard Steven Horvitz:

Your Daddy bought you the Hotel and just let you be in charge of it with no previous experience. Was your Hazbin Hotel ever a success given your limited experience?

Charlie Morningstar:

Yes and No. We don't exactly get a lot of business now... but we do have hopes for the future once we establish ourselves and get it up and running off the ground. My father Lucifer, if fucking loaded, so if we have to lose a million dollars on this venture a year, every year, then we'll only go out of business sometimes around the next few thousand years. That should give us plenty of time to get things up and running.

Hotel Manager

Richard Steven Horvitz:

But you just said Yes and No. And what you just described doesn't sound very successful, it sounds like an act of Royal Privilege. What was the Yes answer in reference too.

Charlie Morningstar:

Somebody named Vivienne Medrano made a Children's Animated Cartoon Series about us, and it resulted in a fanbase of millions of viewers overnight, and it was protested by one million moms because they believed the occult aspects of the show might be spiritually dangerous to children. We're Demons from Hell, so it's totally understandable. Having said that, Vivienne Medrano's ability to raise the capital for Hazbin Hotel, and her overnight success does suspiciously sound like a Devil's Bargain contract. I'm not going to lie. It does look suspicious. I mean, I am Lucifer's Daughter. And Lucifer was featured on the show, just like Matt Stone and Trey Parker's South Park.

Hotel Manager

Richard Steven Horvitz:

Matt Stone and Trey Parker showcased Satan getting fucked in the ass in South Park Bigger Longer and Uncut, which earned an Academy Award Nomination which they lost to Phil Collins. The Voice Actress that sang the song Blame Canada suspiciously commit suicide due to Mental Health Reasons and was replaced at the Academy Awards by Robin Williams, who later commit suicide himself also due to Mental Health Reasons, and it ironically contradicted an Anti-Suicide film that he made about Heaven and Hell called What Dreams May Come. I know all of this sounds like a Tragic Story about the Dangers of Mental Illness, but it's all connected to a movie that featured Satan being lampooned and insulted as a Main Character. It looks like Matt Stone and Trey Parker were the victims of a Devil's Bargain themselves. And Vivienne Medrano's show sounds like she was inspired by their work on South Park to begin with because of the Heaven and Hell Satire Episodes. Do you see the connection I'm pointing out here?

Vaggie:

Well, we don't know all about that. Whatever Lucifer's business is here on earth with the Hollywood Entertainment Industry, that's Lucifer's Business, not our Business. Our Business is just running the Hazbin Hotel. It's not our fault that Vivienne Medrano based a Cartoon Series on us. We've never even met Vivienne Medrano. We never even knew she existed until we received a visit from the Goddess Hotline Office a few years ago. So are you going to give Charlie Morningstar the Managers Position or not?

Hotel Manager

Richard Steven Horvitz:

Word of Advice to both of you for future reference. Now I know that you probably don't have too much job experience seeing as you get everything handed to you for free by your Rich Father Lucifer, whatever the fuck this Hellerverse place is, but you've got to listen to me. You must never ever ask the Hiring Manager if they are going to give you the job while you are speaking to them during the interview. When you try to force a decision out of the Hiring Manager, they feel incited to automatically disqualify you and skip over you to the next person. It's not our job to make decisions based on the spot. Our job is to interview multiple people so we can get a range for what we have to work with. Only then can we come to a final decision. And to that factor... please for the love of god, do not ever show up to a job interview in cosplay as a Demon Circus Clown. Tattoos and Body Art are understandable because they can always be hidden with loose clothing, but what you two are doing is a blatant mockery to our jobs.

Charlie Morningstar:

It's because we're both lesbians isn't it? We're being discriminated against because we're gay.

Hotel Manager

Richard Steven Horvitz:

Oh bullshit artist. Bullshit artist. Don't you fucking dare pull the Lesbian Discrimination Card on me, I am well within my right to disqualify you as a Hotel Manager based on all of the nonsense that you just spewed during this Job Interview.

Charlie Morningstar:

Oh really? And what would qualify us for the jobs? Would it better our chances if we put on a Live Sex Show for you in the office so you could video record us and sell subscriptions for it on OnlyFans. This is a By the Hour Sex Hotel dude. We know how to spot them when we see them. Don't you fucking dare pretend that you aren't using your Hotel Room to make Internet Porn. I'm the Princess of Hell, I collaborate with Asmodeus from the Lust District, and we know all of the tricks of the trade.

Hotel Manager

Richard Steven Horvitz:

Please get the fuck out of my Hotel and take your Lesbian Girlfriend with you. I'll just secretly masturbate to Transgender Porn when I get home tonight like all of the other Christian Republicans do.

CUT TO:

----

EXT SALEM MASSACHUSETTS LOCATION - DAY

Ellen Degeneres:

So Leo... I've just got to thinking. When we find Lindsay Neece... now I know that we are both under orders from the Cult of Baal... but hear me out here. They want us to perform the Ritual and Blood Sacrifice her at a Private Location instead of eating her... BUT... what do they want us to do with her body after the Ritual is finished and her soul is sent to the Cult of  Baal at Mount Zyphon? I mean, are we really going to leave her body for the police to find. If we just book a hotel and hide out in Salem for the next few weeks, Lindsay Neece could supply us with leftovers for every night, and we wouldn't even have to dine out. Nobody would know because we could just hang out in our Hotel room and avoid the Paparrazi? You dig what I'm saying.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Ellen... we were both just dismembered with a chainsaw and fed to the fucking sharks like Finding Nemo. I really don't think this is a good idea to begin with. Let's just stick to the plan, get the job done. Get in and get out. The sooner we can get this over with, the sooner we can go back to our lives.

Ellen Degeneres:

Okay Mister High and Mighty, Holier than Thou. Fuck you Mr I Eat 50 Pounds of Cannibal Meat. Yeah, we've heard about the email. How could you be so stupid to give yourself away. Everybody knows that I'm one of the most prolific cannibals in Hollywood, but they also knew there was a line that would not allow them to fuck with me. We were both untouchable and that motherfucker Kevin Neece just got the drop on both of us. Fuck that guy, and fuck his relatives too. I'm ready to eat every fucking morsel of that kid just to teach him a lesson.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

You know what. Stop. Just stop. If you're not going to take this seriously, then just go see the sights and let me handle it. I'll call you when we've got her okay. Do you hear me. I'll call you. Go buy tickets to a Live Music Venue or something and let me do my fucking job.

Ellen Degeneres:

Well how are you planning on finding her. 

Leonardo Dicaprio:

We've got a complete photographic description on her instagram. There are only so many places in the city nearby that she could eat. I'll scout out all of the nearby restaurants, and pray to whatever god necessary that we can find her before our time runs out.

Ellen Degeneres:

Okay... fine... you know for a second there, I was beginning to hope that this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I thought that we could function as a team.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

No Ellen, we are not a fucking team. We are simply in the same boat, and the boat is sinking faster than the fucking Titanic. I cannot afford to keep bailing water to keep the ship afloat if you and your bad intuition keep steering us towards the fucking icebergs. Grow the fuck up. We were both cannibals. We both got caught. That fucking creep occultist filmmaker was the only one who had the guts to stand up to us with a Death Note while everybody else just whined about it on Social Media and did nothing to stop the problem. And now we're about to commit the dumbest fucking crime in history right under the nose of the Goddess Hotline Office. There is no winning in this situation for either of us. There are only degrees of losing and damage control. I don't want to spend the rest of my afterlife burning in Hell because I got suckered into the Cult of Baal like everybody else did. Because I have seen the fucking light. Maybe that's your Fate, but by God, I'm not going to let it happen to me twice. So grow the fuck up and let me do my fucking job. Remember, I'll call you. 

CUT TO:

INT FLYING SAUCER PIZZA - SALEM MASSACHUSETTS

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Excuse me. I don't mean to bother you too much, but would your name happen to be Lindsay Neece.

Lindsay Neece:

Would you name happen to be Leonardo Dicaprio? What are you doing in Salem Massachusetts.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Well Ellen Degeneres and I were on location seeing the sights in between films, and a friend of mine who may have worked with you told us that you were living in the general already, and he asked us as a personal favor if we could meet you, maybe give you a few pointers on gaining work within the Entertainment Industry. You know, like how Kevin Smith from View Askew keeps writing movies as Starring Vehicles for his own daughter Harley Quinn Smith.

Lindsay Neece:

Trust me on this. I am nothing compared to Harley Quinn Smith.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Don't be so sure about that. You see, there are two sides to Hollywood Filmmaking. Those who work in front of the cameras. And those who work behind the cameras. Both work together in equilibrium to create a film product that was designed to appeal to the masses everywhere. You see the parties, the Oscars, the Mansions, you see the rewards, but you never see the work behind the cameras that goes into it unless you are a Film Student. Without you, the audience that buys tickets to see our films, we wouldn't have the power that we were given. I wouldn't be the man I was today if nobody wanted to watch me onscreen. Trust me on this. What is more important in life. Being King of the World, or the Power behind the Throne. That's what our audiences are. You are all the Power behind the Throne that gives us an outlet to express ourselves.

Lindsay Neece:

You know who you remind me of right now?

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Enlighten me!

Lindsay Neece:

You remind me of Tom Cruise posting selfies on Twitter and Instagram to show off that he goes to the movies and supports other filmmakers. What Tom Cruise does looks nice for the cameras... but if he was really dedicated to supporting films, he wouldn't just be advertising his friends like Steven Spielberg or Christopher Nolan who make $100 Million Films... he would be recommending Arthouse Films or Indie Films that play at unknown film festivals. Tom Cruise never does that. Because he doesn't really care about filmmakers like he claims to. He only cares about the filmmakers that live in Rich Hollywood Mansions or Sinot Superyachts. You get what I'm pointing out here. Hollywood Advertising on Social Media is great and all, but these people are not sincere. They only care about their own.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

That is the most disturbingly nihilistic statement that I have ever heard someone make about Tom Cruise or Steven Spielberg. Those filmmakers are wonderful people.

Lindsay Neece:

Oh sure they have friends. Rich friends stick together and support their own. But if they ever met my father, who has been making movies for the past nine years, they would drop him like a bad habit because he isn't in their club. But it's nice to meet you anyways, nothing personal against you. I enjoy you movies just like the rest of the human race.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Well Lindsay. At least you're disturbingly honest. And honesty is not something that we normally hear in Hollywood. Everybody believes that they have to tell us what we want to hear to get ahead in the Film Business. But sometimes what you want to hear, is not what you need to hear. When Steven Spielberg made Jaws, which is regarded as his best movie, he says that he was forced to comply with the demands of the producers. But after Jaws invented the Big Summer Blockbuster, people stopped giving him advice on Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and he never got the feedback that he needed. He was forced to make that movie on his own because everyone just naturally assumed that he already knew what he wanted. So I do appreciate hearing a little dose of reality from time to time. 

Lindsay Neece:

Damn... this must be my lucky day.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Do you mind if I sit down and have a bite of your Pizza? This looks like really good pizza. I promise I won't go overboard. 

Lindsay Neece:

You're a Millionaire dude. Buy your own fucking Pizza.

(beat)

I'm just fucking with you. Go ahead and sit down. What's mine is yours I suppose.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Now I hear that you've been majoring in Graphics Design, and I can see from your website that you did a little design work for the movie Lisa Frankenstein. That's interesting, because Lisa Frankenstein was directed by Robin William's daughter Zelda Williams, and according to your father's IMDb resume, he made a movie about Robin Williams called Ah My Goddess One Wish. Is that correct?

Lindsay Neece:

My father likes to cast whoever the fuck he wants in his fan films, and he says that whenever he contacts the actors representatives, they choose to ignore him and just let it go. Yeah, my father tried to make a movie about the Suicide of Robin Williams, but it doesn't sound like Zelda Williams cared about the movie or responded to him. So I guess the Lisa Frankenstein connection is just a coincidence. Lisa Frankenstein was also written by Diablo Cody, and she made a movie about a succubus demon called Jennifer's Body. Diablo Cody made Juno with Elliot Page, and that actress was originally cast in Sam Raimi's Drag Me to Hell, only to drop out and be replaced by Alison Lohman.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Very interesting. I can see that you've developed a talent for spotting patterns and connections. Is that your hobby? Hollywood Trivia?

Lindsay Neece:

No, that's my father's hobby. More like his undying obsession. When you spend enough time with my father and you get to really listen to him, his movie trivia articles begin to rub off on you. Now I'm not trying to scare you off, but my father used to have a theory, now get this, that the way you can tell if someone is in the Illuminati, is you scan through their IMDb profiles to see how many actors or directors they have worked with that are connected to films about Witchcraft, Mythology, Demons, or Satanism. He used to call this game John Candy is a Satanist.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Well that doesn't make sense. How could John Candy be a Satanist when his family swear up and down that John Candy is a devouted Catholic. No really. Ryan Reynolds just made an award winning documentary you should watch about John Candy called I Like Me. And it's an amazing documentary... and nowhere in that movie is there any mention of Satanism or the Occult.

Lindsay Neece:

That is true. There is no evidence that John Candy was a Satanist, but if you replace John Candy with Satan in his movies, the filmmaking choices disturbing make more sense. Not all of them, but about half of them. I'm not going to go into too much detail because my father already made a movie about this called Let's Save Vic Morrow that's available to the general public but... just for the hell of it... let's see if I've learned anything from it. Let's take a look at your film career based on what we already know about you.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

I'm absolutely flattered Lindsay. Go ahead and educate me. Teach me something about myself that I don't already know.

Lindsay Neece:

Okay then. Well... you're most famous movie that advanced your career was obviously Titanic. The villain in Titanic was Billy Zane, who played a Demon called The Collector in Tales from the Crypt Demon Knight. That's one. And one of the Producers on Tales from the Crypt Demon Knight was Robert Zemeckis from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, that's why Charles Fleischer was in the movie. And Who Framed Roger Rabbit was produced by Steven Spielberg from Poltergeist and Twilight Zone The Movie.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

So basically, John Candy is a Satanist is Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon for the Witchcraft and Occult crowd. Don't let me interrupt you, by all means continue.

Lindsay Neece:

The other villain in Titanic was David Warner. He played The Devil in Terry Gilliam's Time Bandits. David Warner also played a Satanist in the Billy Zane movie Waxwork. And Billy Zane was in Gremlins, produced by both Steven Spielberg and Joe Dante from Twilight Zone The Movie.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

I worked with Steven Spielberg on Catch Me If You Can, so that's another connection to Twilight Zone The Movie, a well known cursed film production that people cannot seem to shut up about.

Lindsay Neece:

Now you're getting it. You were featured in Sam Raimi's The Quick and the Dead, and Sam Raimi made The Evil Dead movies. Russell Crowe was also in The Pope's Exorcist with the demon Asmodeus from Satania Youtube. My father believes The Pope's Exorcist was a practical joke.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

I got my start as an actor in This Boy's Life with Robert DeNiro, which is why I later grew up to make movies with Martin Scorsese. Robert DeNiro played The Devil in Angel Heart, a movie about New Orleans Voodoo. So we're already up to three.

Lindsay Neece:

That's not true. You got your start in Critters 3, and you hated being in that movie so much that you disowned it.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Now Lindsay... I'm trying to approach this with a sense of humor, but if there is one film that's one my resume that's off limits, it's Critters 3. So if you want this conversation to continue... let's not go down that road.

Lindsay Neece:

But you don't understand, that movie is much more important to your career than you think it is.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Now Lindsay. Please stop it.

Lindsay Neece:

It's because the original VHS title of Critters 3 was You Are What You Eat. Critters 3 as in Three Fates, and Leonardo Dicaprio was outed as a Child Cannibal in the Epstein Files. Did I get that right. Oh wait. I just opened my big mouth and said something that I shouldn't have didn't I?

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Yes you did Linday. And to be fair here, I never noticed that coincidence either until you just pointed it out to me. So I'm going to let this one go.

Lindsay Neece:

You were accused of Child Cannibalism in the Epstein Files. You bragged to someone in an email that you ate 50 pounds of human meat and that you were a full blown cannibal. Wait a minute. Do you actually know Zelda Williams or Diablo Cody?

Leonardo Dicaprio:

No Lindsay, I have never associated or worked with Zelda Williams or Diablo Cody.

Lindsay Neece:

Then how did you hear about my website. Who introduced you to me. Why are you eating Pizza with me in Salem Massachusetts when you should be busy working on your next movie? I mean... I'm a nobody. Sure... there are people who love me... I have friends in Salem... I do have a boyfriend... but my friends and family are not the kind of people that you would be interested in. So why are you here talking to me?

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Lindsay... are you under the impression that we came all of this way to Salem Massachusetts so we could eat you? Are you really gullible enough to believe anything that gets passed around on the internet? Trust me on this, if we were actually cooking and eating children, there are a lot of other children that are much closer to my home address in Hollywood California. or Palm Beach. or New York City. You see Lindsay, I have a lot of money, and in my spare time, I have to spend that money on something, so I devote my money to Real Estate Properties in all of my favorite cities because I like a change of scenery and a little variety in my life. But you want to know what my secret is for how I choose these commercial properties? I don't go where the money is. I go where the Best Pizza is made. Everybody that I know loves to eat Pizza. And I love eating Pizza too. Every time I visit a city while shooting the movie, I call up my manager Rick Yorn, and I ask him, "Hey Rick, where's the Best Pizza in this city?" And Rick Yorn, he never lets me down. Because Rick Yorn isn't just a Hollywood Veteran, Rick Yorn knows where the Best Pizza is. Now when you meet somebody in Hollywood, and you're trying to find that in, that connection that you both can share a relation to, you can try doing your research on your Producer's personal hobbies. But if you go that route, then do you really know that Producer personally, or are you just lying to his face and pretending to love his hobbies so you can find that in? But everybody loves Pizza Lindsay. That's the secret to doing business in Hollywood. If you want to work on Hollywood Movies, you have to go where the Pizza is. If you're working a dayjob and trying to get your foot in the door, work at a Pizza Parlor where the Best Producers and the Best Casting Directors go. And when they order enough Pizza from your establishment, only then will they begin notice you and recognize you when you begin to show up to their Auditions. Now this Flying Saucer Pizza right here in Salem. This Pizza is the Bomb. I'm not going to lie to you. I think we now know where to go for Pizza when we are shooting on location in Salem Massachusetts. And it moves my heart that you chose to share it with the both of us.

Lindsay Neece:

I can see that your personal obsession with Pizza is fascinating... but something about this doesn't feel right. Something about the word Pizza and Hollywood keeps reminding me of something that I've heard before. Something very bad. I can't for the life of me remember it.

Ellen Degeneres:

Hey Leo, how much do you think the Gate is going to be at the Local Live Music Event tonight?

Lindsay Neece:

How much is the Gate? Pizza? I think I remember this now.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

You think you remember what Lindsay?

Lindsay Neece:

What is the Pizza Gate Conspiracy Theory about?

(beat)

Ellen Degeneres: 

You've never heard of Pizza Gate?

Lindsay Neece:

No I've heard of it. Everybody on the internet has heard of it. I just don't know what it is. We all just assume that Pizza Gate is traditional Republican Bullshit that they used to attack Hillary Clinton.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Do you really need me to explain this to you? I openly admit that this is a bit awkward.

Lindsay Neece:

Why would you think Pizza Gate is awkward if you had nothing to do with it? If you don't explain it to me, I can look it up on wikipedia within the next five seconds. And if it reminds me of anything that you've been saying, I'm going to walk away from this and call the cops.

(beat)

Ellen Degeneres:

Pizza Gate is a Code Word that Celebrities use on Social Media and Instagram when they are bragging to the Illuminati that they rape and eat children.

(beat)

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Was it really necessary for you to drop that bomb on her?

Ellen Degeneres:

What? She wanted to know.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Now Lindsay. I understand that your father is a big fan of Hollywood Conspiracy Theories, I can see that. But there are a lot of plausible explanations for why we are eating in a Flying Saucer Pizza Parlor in Salem Massachusetts. I just explained it to you in graphic detail. Why would we go through so much trouble to meet you when there are thousands of other child actors working in Hollywood right now? No really, anytime we need a Child Actor, all I have to do is just call up Rick Yorn, and say "Hey Rick, can you hook me up with the latest talent?" It's that simple.

Lindsay Neece:

Yes, but those other child actors don't have a father that released a satire about the Jeffrey Epstein Investigation. He sent that movie to the Entire United States Congress and the United Nations and the Rothschild Family Organization refused to file criminal charges against him for Defamation. And now all of them are being reported dead all over the news.

Ellen Degeneres:

Yes Lindsay, it's true. The Rothschild Family loved to eat Pizza just as much as we do. Our love of Pizza was the one Universal Element that brought us all together.

Lindsay Neece:

But the Rothschild Family were featured in the Epstein Files 16,000 times. I know this because I watched my father's movie. The only member of the Rothschild Family that wasn't killed was David Mayer DeRothschild... and it's because he made a documentary that exposed the Child Sex Trafficking Rings called Playground.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Have you actually sat down and watched that documentary?

Lindsay Neece:

No. But my father warned me about it in the movie. It's as if he was trying to mentally prepare me for something. Something bad that he instinctly knew that was about to happen.

Ellen Degeneres:

They have a name for that type of Anxiety. It's called Anhedonia. Fun fact, Anhedonia was the original working title of Woody Allen's Annie Hall. The film originated as a Murder Mystery and Woody Allen's editors decided that the movie worked better as a romantic comedy centered around Diane Keaton, so they dropped the Murder Mystery subplot. Woody Allen remade the original concept with Diane Keaton nearly a decade later called Manhattan Murder Mystery.

Lindsay Neece:

Did you just say Murder Mystery? Woody Allen is an Alleged Sex Offender. Woody Allen was in the Epstein Files. Woody Allen was accused of Incinerating 12 children on Little Saint James Island. I know this because my father put it in the movie!

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Yes, but where do you think your father was getting his information from? Just because he put it in the movie doesn't mean that it's true. Do you understand this? Ellen and I are both Hollywood Celebrities who are being stalked by the Paparazzi. Every time we make a judgment error or fuck up in front of the general public, TMZ exploits our popularity for their Website News Articles. It totally sucks that the Epstein Files happened to us, but hey, everybody makes mistakes, and sometimes you just wind up crossing paths with the wrong people.

Lindsay Neece:

There you go again! TMZ News! Harvey Levin was in the Epstein Files.

Ellen Degeneres:

Lindsay. Harvey Levin is a fucking leech who has made all of our lives a miserable experience just so he could get Publicity Views on Social Media and Streaming Television. Trust me on this, even if he did have connections to Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Levin was not our personal friend. He was just using all of us for his News Website. Harvey Levin is the source of all our living nightmares and it pleases me greatly to know that Kevin Neece fucking killed him.

(beat)

Lindsay Neece:

What did you just say?

(beat)

Leonardo Dicaprio:

I'm sorry, are we seriously arguing over Harvey Levin? I thought we were just here to enjoy Pizza.

Lindsay Neece:

Why are you under the impression that my father killed Harvey Levin from TMZ, when my father has never traveled outside the City of Austin Texas unless he had a family member to handle the travel arrangements? My father has never set foot in the State of California in his entire life. Why are we even having this conversation over Pizza if you believe my father killed somebody?

Ellen Degeneres:

Trust me on this. Harvey Levin wasn't a somebody. Harvey Levin was a nobody.

Lindsay Neece:

But you just said that you were happy my father had him killed. And you believed this the entire time before you even approached me. Something is not right about this. Something is not right at all. If the both of you came here because you're secretly out to get me. Why are we eating out in public where everyone can see you and take selfies of you with me for TMZ? Everyone that sees us eating together in the restaurant is a potential witness.

(beat)

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Because we both believe that everybody deserves a last meal. 

(beat)

Ellen Degeneres:

And after what your father just did to the both of us, we want the paparazzi to know that we did this to get back at him. We want the entire world to know that we were the ones who did this. I know this sounds strange, but meeting you today might just be the happiest day of my life.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Yeah... meeting Kevin Neece's daughter really made my day too. I'm going to remember this night for the rest of my Afterlife.

SHOTGUN LOADING SOUND EFFECT OFF CAMERA

CUT TO:

Rick Jason:

All right. The both of you listen to me very carefully. Step away from Lindsay Neece or the both of you are about to get shot.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Who the fuck are you supposed to be?

Richard Altman:

I'm the director of Popeye. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

SHOTGUN FIRING SOUND EFFECT OFF CAMERA

Ellen Degeneres:

Whoops. Somebody forgot to tell you. The Goddess Hotline Office disarmed all of the firearms in the United States with the System Force for Death Note War Games. None of the firearms fire forwards, they all fire backwards. Send Robin Williams and Shelley Duvall our regards.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

We're both already dead anyways. There isn't too much more that you can do to us.

Rick Jason:

You're not thinking interdimensionally Leo. You're not the only actors who just came back from the dead. Step away from the Girl Now!

Leonardo Dicaprio:

Lieutenant Hanley? Is that really you? Dude, we just made a movie about 1960's Hollywood with Quentin Tarantino called Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. We put an ad for Combat on the side of a bus in the movie! How fucking crazy is that?

Richard Altman:

That doesn't surprise me. Roman Polanski was a fucking pedophile and from what we've been hearing, so are you. Still enjoy fucking 20 years olds Leo? You're only 51 years old you fucking creep.

Lindsay Neece:

I don't know how I woke up this morning and wound up in the middle of a 1960s Zombie Apocalypse, and honestly, I don't want to know. Whatever the fuck this is, I'll leave it between the four of you. Thank you and Goodbye.

Rick Jason:

Oh no you don't. You don't get to walk away from your Life Problems Lindsay. We're staying by your side until we can get you into the hands of the FBI.

Ellen Degeneres:

Well would you look at that. The Cannibal Squad just showed up to teach us a lesson.

Robert Altman:

We're not the Cannibal Squad, you are, you sick fucking bastards.

Ellen Degeneres:

Actually I'm a talk show host. I just have a deep deep love for Pizza. 

Leonardo Dicaprio:

I don't think Lieutenant Hanley and Popeye came here to haggle over Pizza. But I could score Popeye some fine grade cocaine from the Executives at Disney if it helps job his memory.

Rick Jason:

Lindsay, it's time for us to leave.

Lindsay Neece:

Do you remember where you parked?

Rick Jason:

Fuck no. We don't even have a rental car.

Lindsay Neece:

You mean we have to walk back to the Hotel?

Rick Altman:

Lindsay, if you had simply started walking around the mall more for the exercise, Ellen Degeneres lips wouldn't be salivating for you like she's staring at a Thanksgiving Turkey.

Leonardo Dicaprio:

It's okay Lindsay. I'm a patient man. We'll catch up with you later.

CUT TO:

EXT FLYING SAUCER PIZZA - SALEM MASSACHUSETTS

CUT TO:

INT. SALEM MASSACHUSETTS LOCATION

Rick Jason:

Lindsay, what you've just told us about the Epstein Investigation is a thousand times worse than any of the atrocities that we've witnessed during our fights with the Nazi Party. How could Benjamin Netanyahu and the Nation of Israel do such a thing to the United States Politicians? I used to make films for the Nation of Israel and what the Mossad has done in the Epstein Blackmail Operation is one of the biggest slap to the faces to the Jewish Community that I have ever heard. It's downright defamation to the entire Jewish Religion because now everyone believes we are a bunch of Cannibalistic Pedophiles that blood sacrifice and eat Children.

Lindsay Neece:

Let me ask you something. How many people died during World War 2?

Rick Jason:

Six Million People died.

Lindsay Neece:

Six Million People. That's it? That's all?

Rick Jason:

God Goddess Lindsay. Isn't Six Million People more than enough?

Lindsay Neece:

Would you like to know how many civilians President Trump was prepared to mass murder on my birthday? 93 Million Civilians in Iran. Just so he could save a bunch of spoiled americans a few dollars at the gas pump. I received phone messages from my father on my birthday, just hours before Donald Trump and Centcom were about to launch the attack on Iran. He told me that my birthday present was he was going to petition the Goddess Hotline Office to sabotage the Centcom attack with the System Force, and then he wrote me about 90 minutes later after he screened the Oh My Goddess cartoons into the Black Mirror in his bedroom, and Donald Trump called off the attack at the last minute because they all agreed to a ceasefire. Are we 100% sure that the Goddess Hotline Office is really a fictional cartoon? How did my father know that he had the ability to sabotage a Major Military Operation using witchcraft based off of a Japanese Anime Children's Show from the 1990s?

Robert Altman:

Your father sabotaged a major military operation using witchcraft from Norse Mythology? Lindsay... is your father a Satanist?

Lindsay Neece:

He admits to using Lucifer in his Religious Prayers because the rules of witchcraft state that you have to go through Lucifer to gain permissions clearance before you contact the ARS Goetia Demons. Whatever my father has been doing, he appears to be getting away with it in front of the entire US Government and Criminal Justice System, so he must have had Lucifer's Blessing to do it. 

Rick Jason:

Did your father use Satanist Witchcraft to bring us back from the Dead?

Lindsay Neece:

You're a genius Lt Hanley. You just now figured that out? Why, are you supposed to be Christians or something?

Robert Altman:

Rick Jason is Jewish like Vic Morrow. They claim that I'm a Catholic Filmmaker because I had a Catholic Upbringing but I'm not actually religious in any sense. You don't see me making film discussions about the nature of religion in any of my films like Kevin Smith did in DOGMA or Monty Python did in Life of Brian. McCabe and Mrs Miller stands out as a Western because we shot it in a manner that felt like you were watching a documentary, very similar to what Werner Herzog was doing when he cast real life people as fictionalized versions of themselves and shot their films documentary style.

Lindsay Neece:

My father claims that his use of real life people in his anime films are inspired by Werner Herzog's Stroszeck from the 1970s. I've never actually watched Stroszeck. My father spent $100 on a Werner Herzog bluray collection, but he pawned it at Half Priced Books before he ever got the chance to show them to me.

Rick Jason:

Lindsay... are you a Satanist?

Lindsay Neece:

Not really. I just don't believe in Christianity or go to Christian Church because All Religion is Evil and exists to brainwash people. I did take a Tarot Card class at Salem College though.

Robert Altman:

We're standing in the middle of Salem Massachusetts from the Salem Witch Trials. And you appear to be from Austin Texas. You are seriously a long ways from home right now, and your father is a Satanist who practices witchcraft? Did he force you to attend this college?

Lindsay Neece:

No... he's never forced me to do anything. Salem College was the only college that was willing to take me. He believed that the Goddess Hotline Office manipulated my choice of college like The Devil's Advocate where Al Pacino manipulates Keanu Reeves career like the Devil. He also claims that there are subliminal patterns referencing my birthday in the behind the scenes documentaries on Dark Horse Comics Hellboy. I was born during the same week that Hellboy was released into Theaters, and the Seton Hospital that I was born at has a Stone Maze in it's park area that reminds me of a Hekate Wheel or Witchcraft Summoning Circle. My middle name Ashley is a reference to Bruce Campbell's Ashley J Williams from the Evil Dead Franchise, and Skuld's Voice Actress Kether Donoue is famous for playing a character named Lindsay on You're The Worst. 

Robert Altman:

This is deeply disturbing. Is there a particular reason why you believe your father came to us specifically?

Lindsay Neece:

You worked on a 1960s television show called Combat right? Combat starred Vic Morrow from Twilight Zone The Movie. I looked it up on wikipedia. My father believes that the Goddess Hotline Office was stalking him because he was born and conceived around the production of Twilight Zone The Movie under numerology dates that connect to the night of the helicopter accident, meaning that he was Vic Morrow in his past life and the Death Goddesses that killed him reincarnated him as Kevin Neece so they could continue to haunt him and fuck with him in the next life. It's absolutely fucking mind boggling. I've been his fucking daughter for 20 years and now he thinks I have a 64 year old sister named Jennifer Jason Leigh. I feel like I'm the fucking middle child now because Jennifer Jason Leigh is a celebrity who is more famous than I am, and get this, she doesn't even like Vic Morrow. She disowned him and changed her name just to get away from him. What the fuck man! He downgraded me for this fucking bitch? Fucking Hollywood I've got to tell you.

Rick Jason:

Lindsay... if your father didn't love you or didn't care about you, then we wouldn't be here right now. He cared about you enough to cut a deal with Lucifer and bring all of us back from the dead just to save you because he believed that nobody else would help him.

Lindsay Neece:

My father is absolutely insane and he's been feeding me this bullshit endlessly for years ever since he started working on that fucking Ah My Goddess anime series. He used to be a normal person. He keeps showing me coincidences and making me watch his movies and pointing out the Numbers 23 and 32 and now I'm starting to see the same shit that he does. They keep putting me in college dorms with the Numbers 23 and 32, and the numbers keep showing up whenever I check my phone. Whatever the fuck is haunting him, it's been haunting me too. The Ah My Goddess series was about the Three Fates living with a College Student, but my father never went to college. It's me. The Three Fates are haunting me now because I'm the College Student from Ah My Goddess. I'm the next Keiichi Morisato. I love my father to death but holy shit man, no wonder my mother couldn't stand living with him. Sometimes I think that if I didn't hang out with him whenever I visit Austin Texas, well, I don't get the sense that anybody would hang out with him at all. I might be the one person left who hasn't abandoned him. His belief in Ah My Goddess and Hollywood Conspiracy Theories have completely alienated him from society.

---

EXT BUMBLEFUCK NOWHERE - DAY

Charlie and Vaggie are looking at something offscreen.

Vaggie:

Charlie look. It's salvation ahead. The Goddess Hotline Office was telling us the truth.

CUT TO:

EXT HAZBIN HOTEL COSPLAY EXPO BUILDING - DAY

Vaggie:

(offscreen)

We've got a Fanbase of Admirers all over Planet Earth. They even exist here in Bumblefuck Nowhere.

CUT TO:

EXT BUMBLEFUCK NOWHERE - DAY

Charlie Morningstar:

Do you realize what this means Vaggie? We've finally found a group of people who are willing to help us book an Uber to Austin Texas.

Vaggie:

Well let's not be stingy here Charlie. Your the Princess of Hell. Let's go mingle among the commoners and get the drop on what they've been saying about us on the internet.

CUT TO:

INT HAZBIN HOTEL COSPLAY EXPO - DAY

Charlie Morningstar:

Luckily for us, this Hotel Expo appears to have the internet. I wonder what the fans are posting about us on their social media blogs.

Vaggie:

Is it good will and admiration?

Charlie Morningstar:

No Vaggie... apparently it's softcore porn.

Vaggie:

Excuse me.

Charlie Morningstar:

All of the Fan Artists on Facebook keeping drawing Not Safe For Work Softcore Porn about me and you posing in bikinis and masturbating for the cameras. And one of them thinks that I would make a good couple with my father Lucifer if the two of us weren't genetically related to each other. Okay. Incest Fantasy. That's really weird. Apparently our Online Fanbase like to pretend they are having sex with cartoons just like Ralph Bakshi's Cool World.

Vaggie:

Well... okay... I can keep an open mind here. We're standing in the middle of a Hazbin Hotel Cosplay Expo. If these people are so desperate to have sex with us, and they're already posting Softcore Porn depictions of us online, we'll just put on a live sex show onstage and raise the money we need to book an Uber to Austin Texas. It's still legal to do live sex shows here on Planet Earth isn't it?

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Rogers:

Well hey hey hey! It's Charlie Morningstar The Princess of Hell. So nice to see you here for the 150th time in a row.

Charlie Morningstar:

I'm sorry, are there more than one Charlie Morningstars here at this Cosplay Expo?

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Rogers:

Sorry Charlie, but there are nearly 200 Princesses of Hell walking around the building at the present moment, but if it's any consolation, you two are the most accurate depictions that I've seen all day.

Vaggie:

Charlie... how are we going to raise the money for our Live Sex Show if we're competing with 200 different cosplayers and they all look and dress like you?

Charlie Morningstar:

Relax Vaggie. None of these women can compete with the original.

Vaggie:

I have a question. Are you supposed to be Blitz from IMP Murder Professionals? Because you don't really look like Blitz. I mean, you look kind of like what Blitz would look like if a Human tried to dress up like Blitz, but the real Blitz is much shorter. And he's hornier. He'll literally fuck your leg like a dog just to get you in the mood, and that's before he even gets to know you.

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Rogers:

Don't be silly Vaggie. Of course I'm the Real Blitz. Remember, here at IMP Murder Professionals, the O is Silent. The O is Always Silent.

Vaggie:

Not when we're having sex. When I'm getting my pussy eaten, the O is Loud. The O is very very Loud.

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Rogers:

Say Charlie, would you be willing to have your picture taken with me?

Charlie Morningstar:

Of course Cosplayer Blitz. Anything for my adoring fans.

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Rogers:

Unfortunately, I've got to put the paying ventures ahead of my charity work. You wouldn't happen to have any money on you would you? I don't charge for photographs, but I do accept donations.

Vaggie:

Charlie... the entire reason that we came here is because we don't have money. At least, not any kind of money that's exchangeable outside of the Hellerverse.

Charlie Morningstar:

That's okay. I'm always compassionate for a fellow soul in need. So let's work out a deal. Do you accept Gold Coins?

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Rogers:

No, I'm afraid I cannot eat the Gold Coins.

Charlie Morningstar:

Do you accept Silver Coins?

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Rogers:

No, I'm afraid I cannot eat the Silver Coins either.

Charlie Morningstar:

What about my pussy Blitz? Can you survive eating my Demon Princess Pussy?

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Rogers:

I'm sorry, what did you just say?

Charlie Morningstar:

Look, you don't accept Gold, you don't accept Silver. And the only things that I have to offer in trade are the three holes that my father Lucifer gave me. So the question is, which hole would you like to fuck in exchange for your selfies? Would you like to fuck me in my dirty mouth? Would you like to fuck me in my dirty ass? Or are you man enough to breed my dirty pussy and give my father Lucifer the grandchild that he's always wanted?

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Roger:

Well, I do have a private room booked at the Hotel. When you offer sex in trade, are you offering to do it with the Cosplay on or the Cosplay off?

Charlie Morningstar:

Oh this isn't Hazbin Hotel Cosplay. We actually look like this 24/7. I know that's dangerously kinky isn't it?

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Roger:

Apparently the two of you have taken your love of Vivienne Medrano to an entirely different plane of existence.

Vaggie:

Charlie stop teasing this fucking poser and just give him a Free Blowjob.

Charlie Morningstar:

Well that's not very nice.

Vaggie:

On the contrary, I'd say giving Cosplayer Blitz a Free Blowjob is a better offer than he's going to get from someone else at his Cosplay Expo.

Cosplay Blitz

Brandon Roger:

Yes but I can't eat the Gold. I can't eat the Silver. You don't have a Credit Card. The Kinky Cosplay Sex is a Nice Offer but its not going to pay my bills or put food on the table. I'm afraid I'm going to have to put the Paying Ventures above my Charity Work. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the next one.

CUT TO:

Vaggie:

Goddammit. If these people are so desperate to have sex with our cartoons on Facebook, then why are they too chickenshit to go the distance with us in real life? We're running out of time to book an Uber to Austin Texas. Every hour that Kevin Neece's Death Note War goes on more and more people are going to die.

Charlie Morningstar:

I know. I don't have a problem with fucking our way to Austin Texas if it saves the Human Race, but we've got to keep trying here. We've got to stay optimistic. Surely there must be somebody here that's willing to fuck us in exchange for Uber Money. If Vivienne Medrano were here, she would probably fuck the living shit out of both of us and post our sex selfies on her instagram. For all that we know, Vivienne Medrano may have already fucked half of the Cosplay Charlie Morningstars walking around this Convention. That's the price of celebrity you know. Celebrity comes with fringe benefits.

Vaggie:

Carrie Fisher used to keep the Metal Bikini from The Return of the Jedi in her luggage so she could have sex with her Star Wars fans at conventions. Carrie Fisher believed that her fanbase were more willing to go the distance in bed and give her a better bang for her buck if she just kept and open mind and gave into their Star Wars sex fantasies.

Charlie Morningstar:

Didn't Carrie Fisher specifically warn Daisy Ridley not to fuck her way through the entire cast and crew of Star Wars The Force Awakens?

Vaggie:

Yes, but I'm fairly certain that Daisy Ridley didn't listen to her. Daisy Ridley probably fucked her way through the entire cast and crew of all three of the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy films anyways, and now those three movies are still at the top of her Internet Movie Database Resume several years later as if she hasn't starred in anything better since. 

Charlie Morningstar:

Now hold on here. Daisy Ridley did star in the Children's Movie Peter Rabbit with Sam Neill. And Sam Neill played the Anti-Christ in The Omen III The Final Conflict. Are we 100% certain that Daisy Ridley didn't fuck her way through the entire cast and crew of Peter Rabbit too?

Vaggie:

If I was in Daisy Ridley's position, I would fuck the living shit out of Sam Neill too. May he rest in peace now that he's died and gone to Hell.

CUT TO:

INT HAZBIN HOTEL COSPLAY EXPO STAGE

Charlie Morningstar:

Now everybody stop what you're doing and listen up. We have an announcement to make here. I'm the Princess of Hell that inspired Hazbin Hotel, and we're in desperate need of Monetary Capital so we can book an Uber to Austin Texas and put an end to the Death Note War. So I'm asking for all of your support right now. Who wants to watch us put on a Live Sex Show to save the Human Race?

Hazbin Hotel Cosplayer:

Grow the Fuck Up Charlie! Nobody wants to watch you two have sex! Book a room!

Charlie Morningstar:

Okie Dokie Karaoke. I can see we got off on the wrong foot here. Is there anybody in the audience that is secure enough to admit that they've masturbated to Hazbin Hotel Softcore Porn on Facebook?

Vaggie:

Charlie! The Sex Video! Tell them about the Hardcore Porn Cosplay Video!

Charlie Morningstar:

Right then. Is there anybody in the audience that can admit that they masturbated to a Hardcore Porn video of Charlie Morningstar and Alastor the Radio Demon having Doggie Style Sex with Each Other? Anybody? Anybody? You know the one where Alastor fucked Charlie Morningstar in the ass and then he pulled out and came his load all over her? I'm not very well educated on these videos. That's the only one that I could find. The rest is just Softcore Porn Fan Artwork on Facebook. Anybody? Anybody?

Vaggie:

Sorry Charlie. But we're going to have to bite the bullet on this one and give them what they want.

Charlie Morningstar:

I'm afraid you're right. It's time to pull out the big guns here. Does anybody want to pay us Uber Money if I agree to have sex with someone cosplaying as my father Lucifer Morningstar? I mean, it's not like I'm having real sex with my own father. Step Relative Incest Porn is a thing down in the Hellerverse you know. We practically invented it and it took over Redtube. Anybody? Anybody?

Vaggie:

What's with these people? We're just trying to fulfill a simple quota of supply and demand here. They wanted this kinky shit when they were anonymously hiding behind the social media safety of the internet where nobody could watch them masturbating to it. What's the fucking difference? Why is nobody at this Hazbin Hotel Cosplay Expo paying us Uber Money to watch us have sex with each other?

Charlie Morningstar:

You people make me sick. All of you. You call yourselves Fans of Hazbin Hotel. How so? What kind of Fans show their love and devotion for an Animated Show by viciously insulting its creator every time she releases an episode for free online. Vivienne Medrano didn't have to give her work away for free on youtube. She worked her ass off day and night and all you see are the parties she advertised on youtube and instagram to promote themselves. You see the fun times, but you never recognize the hard work that goes into it. And all of your criticisms towards her, all of the scandals that you just won't shut up about. What a crock of shit. Matt Stone and Trey Parker have been raising the bar on offensiveness every single week since 1997. It's virtually reached the point where South Park is an NC-17 equivalent showcased on Public Television where any child can watch it. But no, let's all criticize Vivienne Medrano because she created an Original Villain Character that's a Pedophile when she was a teenager. I've got news for you fuckers. The Pedophiles are supposed to be the villains. Instead you've all been worshipping them for years by paying to see their Hollywood Films, then you pretended to be disgusted when half of them were exposed in the Epstein Files without Punishment. Well it sounds like Kevin Neece just gave all of you the Vigilante Justice that you were all whining about for months. And I hope you're happy with yourselves now. Because it looks to me like Kevin Neece may have actually had a point. Maybe the Human Race really does deserve to be wiped out with a Death Note War. Why the fuck not? You all worshipped those Japanese Shinigamis when they were an Anime Show. So why not copy it in real life?

Vaggie:

Jesus Christ Charlie. I don't think I've ever seen this side of you before.

Charlie Morningstar:

No Vaggie. I've had a Spiritual Awakening. From the moment we walked into this fucking Cosplay Expo, the truth about what the Goddess Hotline Office tried to tell us has finally reached my ears. These people think they are in love with us. But it's not really us that they love. It's a fictional cartoon depiction that's based on us. And what you see in the cartoons might be very different from what we actually are in real life. I should have known. Kodansha Ltd and Dark Horse Comics have been doing it to Urd Verdandi and Skuld Nornir since 1988. And now it's happening to all of us at the Hazbin Hotel in 2026. I wonder what Blitz would have thought about Kevin Neece's Death Note War against the Sex Traffickers.

Vaggie:

If Blitz from Helluva Boss had come here with us, he probably would have cheered Kevin Neece on and tried to help him. Blitz loves to murder Child Rapists with a Chainsaw.

Charlie Morningstar:

And now, to top it all off your fucking Child Rapist President Donald Trump is threatening to Nuke the entire population of Iran just to distract everyone from his crimes in the Epstein Files. And in the process, North Korea is going to Nuke Tel Aviv Israel and Washington DC. Well you want to know what I think about Donald Trump's plan to Nuke everyone out of orbit? Fuck it! I'm ready to grab a fucking bucket of popcorn and watch the fucking fireshows show. Go Ahead President Trump, do your fucking worst. I've only visited Bumblefuck Nowhere for less than 24 hours and everything that I've learned suggests that the Nation of Israel, the Nation of Iran, the Nation of North Korea, and all of the Incompetent Members of US Congress are responsible for nearly all of the misery on Social Media News. It's because US Congress has no balls to hold anybody accountable for their crimes. It's all a fucking act they put on for the general public to win their elections and keep their jobs. The only way that US Congress is ever going to learn their lesson is if your Dumbfuck Pedophile President makes a Judgment Error that gets Washington DC nuked out of orbit. At least in that situation, all of the Older Members of US Congress who refuse to give up their seats would be replace with the Younger Generation of US Congress who are more in tune with the Youth of Today. If President Trump so desperately wants to make the world a better place for America... than I would highly suggest that he stop playing poker with those Iranian Scumbugs, get on the fucking phone to the nearest Nuke Silo, and give them the fucking Nuke Codes immediately. Stop threatening everybody with Ticking Clock Time Demands and just get it over with before the Deadline! Pretty Please with a Fucking Cherry on Top for the love of fucking God! At least that way America will stand a chance of catching the Nation of Israel and the Nation of Iran with their Pants down! It's the End of the World as we know it anyways! And I feel fine!

Vaggie:

You're not thinking interdimensionally Charlie. If the entire US Congress gets Nuked out of Orbit, then all of those corrupt apathetic scumfuckers are probably going to be sent to Hell where we live. And the first thing those Fake Ass Christians are going to do is book a room at the Hazbin Hotel to try and escape to Heaven.

Charlie Morningstar:

Are you fucking shitting me!

Vaggie:

No Charlie, I'm not joking. If we turn away the US Congressmen and ban them from the Hazbin Hotel after they die, then we might as well put up a Great Big Going Out of Business Sign because none of the other Sinners in Hell are ever going to trust us again when they see you going back on your word to Help Them.

Charlie Morningstar:

And what about the 93 Million Muslims in Iran?

Vaggie:

Well the 93 Million Muslims in Iran believe that they are going to be fucking 99 Virgins in Heaven, and we couldn't possibly supply them all with 99 Virgins at the Hazbin Hotel, even as a by the hour sex motel, so the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps best bet is to pray to Allah that they will all be sentenced to Asmodeus district. At least that's where all of the Sex Addicts go when they die.

Charlie Morningstar:

I can't believe it. We're completely fucked in all directions. Like we're being double penetrated in a porn film produced by Asmodeus. What are we going to do Vaggie? What are we going to do?

Vaggie:

I suppose we have no choice but to wave the white flag, and commit ritualistic suicide right here in the middle of the convention so we can finally go home and forget this nightmare ever happened. Your father Lucifer is still in charge of Hell whether he likes it or not, so just let the Death Note War be his responsibility like you should have in the first place.

Charlie Morningstar:

You're right Vaggie. We should just kill ourselves right here and get it over with. Hazbin Hotel has been officially cancelled by the Goddess Hotline Office and the Producers of Death Note anyways.

Vivienne Medrano:

No Charlie... you don't get the luxury of walking away from your life problems. Not after everything that's happened to all of us this week.

Charlie Morningstar:

And who the fucking hell are you supposed to be Miss High and Mighty Holier than Thou?

Vivienne Medrano:

I'm Vivienne Medrano... the creator of Hazbin Hotel. Or at least, I thought I was the creator of Hazbin Hotel... until I came face to face with you. Kevin Neece tried to warn all of us that you were real, and that you were manipulating us to give yourselves publicity to millions of people including children. And we laughed at him and ignored him because we all believed we were above him. It's entirely true. Everybody wants to Party with the Devil, but Nobody wants to Pay the Check. Erika Henningsen believed that we were running a revolution. She believed that we were giving our fans an outlet to come out of the closet and express themselves as human beings. That anyone can change their license, anyone can change their life, and even a Demon so determined to make the world a better place could offer redemption for the wicked that were sentenced to Hell. And now Erika Henningsen is Dead. All of them are Dead. We partied with the Devil, and we took all of our Fans to the Party with us on Broadway. And now all of the independent animators who supported us for low wages just paid the check for our partying with their lives, while I was rewarded with a Film Career at Warner Brothers, the producers of Twilight Zone The Movie. Stanley Kubrick produced most of his best movies for Warner Brothers, including The Shining. And then the Studio Executives at Warner Brothers had him murdered for producing Eyes Wide Shut to appease The Rothschild Family whose Occult Parties were documented in the movie. That's the Real Warner Brothers that I signed up for. And I got completely what I deserved. Is it true Charlie?

Charlie Morningstar:

Is what true? That we manipulated your anime show so we could lure in millions of children to the Hellerverse? Is that what Kevin Neece has been telling you?

Vivienne Medrano:

Was Kevin Neece telling us the truth? Was Hazbin Hotel and everything that it stood for a lie the entire time?

Charlie Morningstar:

No Vivienne. Hazbin Hotel was never a lie. Not to me it wasn't. At least... not until today. 

Vaggie:

Kevin Neece used to tell everyone that Kosuke Fujishima's Ah My Goddess was a Beautiful Lie, and that Bad Goddess and Marller Gets a Spinoff was the Ugly Hilarious Truth. I'm starting to understand now what he meant by that. Your Reality is a fucking joke, and Hazbin Hotel was the fucking punchline all along. No wonder all of you are laughing at us. You seriously believe that spending an Eternity in Hell is something to laugh at don't you? Well don't you? It's the truth isn't it?

Vivienne Medrano:

Charlie... you were supposed to be one of the most empathetic demons ever created. What happened to you? What did they do to you to make you lose such faith in the human race in no less than a day? Don't you see Charlie... if all it took to destroy someone as kind hearted as you are... was one full day on Planet Earth... if that is all it takes to destroy a Kindhearted Human Soul... then what possible hope could there ever be for the rest of us? What hope is left for the Human Race who has to deal with the hardships of Day to Day Life for Fucking Decades until they finally Drop Dead? Yes, I've been insulted for my work. It's true, I have a natural talent for pissing people off, and god knows I do not know how to accept criticism from the internet. But I never lost faith when I was working on Hazbin Hotel. And now I've been robbed of that. Everyone who worked at Spindlehorse Animation has been sentenced to the Dungeons of Niflheim. And you are the only person with the political influence in Hell that has the ability to save them from a Fate worse than Death. You might not need all of us... but don't you ever believe that we will never need you. Put down the knife Charlie. Put it away. There's enough people dying on the news right now. We don't need to add you to it.

CUT TO:

INT STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN - NIGHT

Kevin Neece:

So all is well that ends well. Team Combat finally got my daughter into the hands of the FBI. At least she's safer in their custody than in mine.

Sepheranz the Spider Queen:

If you sincerely believe that the FBI has any intentions of protecting your family members after the Marller Gang suicide bombed Kash Patel and 50 FBI Agents on Live National Television in the middle of the fucking White House Press Room, then you are more Naive than we may have took you for.

Kevin Neece:

You think they're planning to stab us in the back?

Sepheranz the Spider Queen:

No, I believe the FBI are planning to stab you in the front. Just you watch. All of these people who are planning to negotiate your surrender are full of talk, not action.

FBI Agent on Laptop Video:

We need to speak with the Demi-God Who Takes Out the Trash. Great Work by the Way.

Kevin Neece:

As long as you did your jobs, we're square.

FBI Agent on Laptop Video:

Say hello to your father Lindsay. Show him you're still alive.

Kevin Neece:

Jesus Christ dude. You're not planning to waterboard my daughter are you?

FBI Agent on Laptop Video:

No but we've got two friends that will vouch for us. Say hello Leo.

Leonardo Dicaprio on Laptop Video:

Hello Leo! It's nice to finally meet you Kevin. It's too bad we couldn't be there in Starbucks face to face. But then, that's how most of the American Public get to meet me, I'm always on a Television Screen.

Kevin Neece:

Why the fuck is the Cannibal Squad standing in the room with you?

FBI Agent on Laptop Video:

For someone who just outwit Centcom, you're a bigger fucking idiot than we took you for. You have a natural talent to read between the lines, how could you be so blind as to not realize that the Rothschild Family Organization had their people working on our FBI Staff during the Epstein Investigation. Didn't it tip off your Spidey Senses when Kash Patel kept lying in front of US Congress and made no Arrest Attempts in the FBI Investigation?

Ellen Degeneres on Laptop Video:

We just want to thank you for introducing us to your daughter Lindsay. She kind of grows on you  once you get to know her. I can even see how she managed to rope herself a boyfriend during college. And I can't wait to barbeque her and serve her up at the next Illuminati Dinner. I hear you're a fan of Stubbs Barbeque Sauce. We'll make sure to put that on the menu.

Lindsay Neece:

Dad! Please Listen to Me! I don't want to be eaten by the Fish Lady from Finding Nemo! Please don't let them eat me!

FBI Agent on Laptop Video:

If you think we did this to negotiate for the Death Note, you're dead wrong. We just wanted you to see what we're going to do to your daughter on camera after everything that you did to Kash Patel. You might as well Death Note your own daughter before we get to her, because if she lives long enough for us to get through with her, she's going to wish you had euthanized her anyways.

Sepheranz the Spider Queen:

Kevin don't listen to them. If you death note your own daughter her soul will be tortured for the rest of her afterlife. You are not going to be saving her from a fate worse than death if you listen to them. If they kill her, at least the Goddess Hotline Office still has a chance to intercept her after she crosses over.

Leonardo Dicaprio on Laptop Video:

Actually that's not true at all. If we perform the ritual and blood sacrifice her to Baal the Canaanite Demon, her soul is going straight to Mount Zephron where the Goddess Hotline Office will never get to her. So you've got a terrible choice to make. You can save her from us and take your chances with the Japanese Shinigamis, or you can send her to the Cult of Baal. Either way, your daughter is looking at an eternity of torment. And your own mother just went through all of that trouble to support her through college. Such a Pity.

Kevin Neece:

Lindsay please listen to me! Life doesn't thank you for doing your job! Life doesn't reward you for doing the right thing! And sometimes innocent people pay the ultimate price for their actions! You never deserved this, but I did! I put your life in danger because I wanted to give the American Public what they thought they wanted! And none of them cared at all! I just threw both of our lives into the garbage to appease an apathetic internet who are too cowardly to do the jobs themselves! I wasn't even there for you when you needed me in Salem! I sent someone else to do the job when it should have been me in their place!

Lindsay Neece:

That's not true! You were there for me in Salem! You showed up on the one day when I needed you the most! I wanted those Pedophiles from the Epstein Investigation Dead too! We all wanted them to pay for their crimes! And you were the only one who had the balls to go out and do it in front of the entire United States Government!

Ryuk the Shinigami:

Kevin don't watch this. Close your eyes.

(beat)

Sepheranz the Spider Queen:

Kevin... it's over now. You can open them again.

Kevin Neece:

What happened to everybody in the room?

Sepheranz the Spider Queen:

They all died. Your daughter was protected by the System Force.

Kevin Neece:

But the Death Note doesn't work on them anymore.

Ryuk the Shinigami:

It wasn't our Death Note that killed them. You've both had a Guardian Angel by your side the entire time.

Kevin Neece:

Did you do this Sepheranz?

CUT TO:

EXT HEAVEN 

Jim Neece:

No Kevin. This one was on me.

Lind the Valkyrie:

You do realize that the person who uses a Death Note is banished from entering Heaven or Hell for the rest of their afterlives don't you?

Jim Neece:

That may be true. But I would walk the earth for an eternity just to give her one more chance at life. I never cared for Leonardo Dicaprio's movies anyways.

CUT TO:

INT STARBUCKS SOUTH AUSTIN

The Almighty on Laptop Video:

Kevin... what you just tried to do with this Death Note War was reckless, stupid, heartless, unplanned, and irresponsible to say the least. Your father and your mother dedicated years of their lives to give your daughter a better life, and you were willing to throw it all away just to get revenge for an apathetic internet crowd who doesn't even notice that you exist. We are not going to do your job for you. You are the Demi-God Who Takes Out the Trash, and as such, I am hereby ordering you to finish the job that you started. You just spent nine years of your life deconstructing and calling bullshit on the entire US Government and the Illuminati and you damn near got away with it. The reason why the Politicians never attempted to press charges against you isn't because of some Government Conspiracy, it's because you know how to deconstruct their arguments in a manner that makes them afraid to have your case examined by a Judge. Nobody on this earth has the ability to do what you can do, even without the magic. You do not get the right to claim that you cannot think of a way to outwit the producers of Death Note at Centcom. Your Death Note Replica specifically changed half of the rules of the Anime Show and Manga so that it could be used to fuck with them and catch them off guard. Tsugumi Ohba believes he has the drop on you and doesn't understand that the rules he has been following do not adhere to real life because he designed those rules himself. Tsugumi Ohba has fallen for his own bullshit as if he had been making a Documentary. If I were in your position, I wouldn't lift a finger to argue with the producers of Death Note. If I were you, I would sit back and listen to them, and get Tsugumi Ohba, Kosuke Fujishima, and Jim Carrey talking for as long as possible so you can examine and deconstruct their arguments like you always do, and when you feel that you've got them all figured out, you have my full blessing to hand their asses back to them on a silver platter. It's time for you to hear from the Three Wise Men

CUT TO:

MARLLER GETS A SPINOFF:

COWBOY BEBOP

SEGMENT 1 THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH