AH MY GODDESS: HAZBIN HOTEL THE BRUCE CAMPBELL SITUATION
Written by Kevin Neece and
Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads
FADE IN:
When Bruce Campbell dies of Cancer and gets sent to Hell, he approaches the Hazbin Hotel Organization in hopes that they can help him escape to Heaven. But Bruce Campbell doesn't understand that their connections go through Lucifer and any diplomacy is going to take time. When word gets back to Vox The Television Demon that Bruce Campbell has just arrived in the Hellerverse, they plaster Bruce Campbell's Image on Nationwide Television Warning all of the Demons in the Hellerverse that Bruce Campbell is a Serial Killer who spent decades of his life dismembering Demons with a Chainsaw. The Demons in the Hellerverse do not watch Earth Programs, and do not understand that The Evil Dead is a Fictional Movie and that Bruce Campbell is just an Actor. They believe they are all in mortal danger and it has completely scared them shitless. A Response Team is formed, led by Andras The Marquis of Discord (Daniel Radcliffe) to hunt Bruce Campbell down and bring him to justice and the only Demons standing in his defense are Count Andromalius (Greg Kinnear) and Charlie Morningstar. If the General Public realizes that Bruce Campbell is being harbored by the Hazbin Hotel, it could incite a Lynch Mob Attack on them just like the plot of Army of Darkness. Bruce Campbell believes that Scott Spiegel, Josh Becker, and Marcus Gilbert might also be hiding in the Hellerverse as Josh Becker was a Devoted Atheist, and the only reason they have not been attacked is because they are unknown filmmakers and the Demons do not know who they are. Count Andromalius and Andras The Marquis of Discord are both Commanders of the Demon Realm's Armies, and their attempts to Outwit and Engage with each other over The Bruce Campbell Situation could risk inciting another Civil War in the Hellerverse. And while this plot is carried out, Chronos Ere and Ex from the Goddess Hotline Office are monitoring the Bruce Campbell Situation from Yggdrasil HQ and providing their own commentary on what is happening in the Hellerverse.
FADE IN:
INT HAZBIN HOTEL LOBBY
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Hello Charlie. Somebody tipped me off that you've been running a sweet little operation here that can help repentant sinners get into Heaven. While I don't normally collaborate with Demons, it appears that I've just died of Cancer and I don't have much of a choice. Can you help a brother out here Charlie?
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Bruce... we just got existentially ass fucked by the Goddess Hotline Office over our suspected involvement in a Children's Anime series about the Demons from the Hellerverse. You have literally just walked in after we pulled an all nighter. I can't do this right now. I can't even function. I don't know how to help you after the crimes that you were accused of committing against the Demon Realm. I firmly believe that everyone deserves a second chance but what you've just done to us with the Evil Dead series is unforgivable. I'm done here. I'm done for the night.
VAGGIE:
We've got bigger problems. If Bruce Campbell just died and went to hell, it's only going to be a matter of minutes before the news of his arrival goes down the wire and gets intercepted by Vox The Television Demon. If Vox finds out what Bruce Campbell has been doing, he is going to plaster Bruce Campbell's face all over National Wide Television and the entire Pentagram City is going to be hunting for him.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
In our attempts to help you, it could result in a full scale attack on the Hazbin Hotel. Somebody put on the Vox News Report now. This might be about to go live at any minute.
CUT TO:
INT. TELEVISION NEWS REPORT - DAY
VOX THE TELEVISION DEMON:
Hey Hey Hey Pentagram City. This is Vox here from Vox Tech. You can Trust Us. And today we've just received reports down the wire from our sources that the Hellerverse has just received a New Arrival that is going to have you shitting yourselves in total fear. Allow me to introduce all of your to the man of the hour, Bruce Campbell. Now you might all be asking yourselves, who the fuck is Bruce Campbell and why should I care? I'll tell you who Bruce Campbell is, Bruce Campbell is one of the most Notorious Demon Serial Killers to ever walk the face of existence. Remember the Medieval Ages when the Christians Uses to Torture Witches and Occultists? Well Bruce Campbell is even worse. This man has dedicated 46 years of his life to dismembering every Demon that he meets with a Chainsaw. He even dismembered two of his own girlfriends and the legend is that Bruce Campbell was so chainsaw happy that he even cut off his own masturbation hand. Wow, now that is dedication. At one point Bruce Campbell even time traveled to the Middle Ages and held off a full scale attack of the Living Dead on King Arthur's Castle. This man is a Danger to the Citizens of Pentagram City. This man is a Danger to all of your Children. And he is presently walking the streets of Pentagram City looking for fresh new victims. Bruce Campbell knows that he is outnumbered and he is going to take as many of you down with him that he can. Bruce Campbell is going for a Chainsaw. Based on this information alone, some of you might even be tempted to form a Lynch Mob and come after him. Do not do that. If you see Bruce Campbell, do not engage with him or go anywhere near him. Contact the Authorities immediately. In response to public outcry, Carmilla Carmine has just drafted Andras The Marquis of Discord to form a Task Force dedicated to hunting Bruce Campbell down and bringing him to justice. This has been Vox from Vox Tech, bringing you the most important news at the end of the hour. And remember, here at Vox Tech, you can trust us.
CUT TO:
INT HAZBIN HOTEL
VAGGIE:
Charlie, what the fuck just happened?
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
I know exactly what just happened. They don't know that the Evil Dead is a fictional movie. They believe that Bruce Campbell really killed all of those Demons in real life.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
I wish I had killed all of those Demons. I've spent my entire career making nothing but films about Demons, but until now, I've never had the opportunity of meeting one.
VAGGIE:
Gee Bruce, have you ever considered that there might have been a reason why the Church of Satan has been going around telling everyone that Demons aren't real? Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a reason why the Church of Satan have been unable to manifest a Demon themselves?
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Wake up stupid. Kandarian Demons are not real! Have you ever met a person suffering from Demonic Possession that acted like the Demons that you portrayed in the Evil Dead series? The reason why you have never seen demons like the ones that you presented in the Evil Dead movies is because you have spent your entire careers misrepresenting what Demons are to the American Public. You have completely fallen for your own bullshit as if you and Sam Raimi were making Documentary Films.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
So the entire Pentagram City is about to be looking for me. We'll just hold up here at the Hazbin Hotel until the Seraphim from Heaven show up, I'll catch the next train out of her, and then I'll never be your problem again.
LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR:
No Bruce, it's not as simple as that. Heaven is a whole new ballgame than what we do down here in Hell. If you and your coworkers from the Evil Dead series came down here, it's because Heaven already assessed your case and came to the conclusion that you deserved to be sent to Hell in the first place. We cannot just get you into Heaven by making a few phone calls, it doesn't work like that. If you are planning to present your case appeal to the Seraphim, then you are going to have to prove to them that you can do something selfless. An act of human kindness in the service of someone else other than yourself.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
If Scott Spiegel, Josh Becker, and Marcus Gilbert have been living down here for the past few months, it is entirely possible that none of the other Demons have caught onto them because none of they were famous. Scott Spiegel made the sequel to From Dusk Till Dawn, which totally sucked, and I should know, I was in it. And Marcus Gilbert's one claim to fame was his roles from Rambo III and Army of Darkness. I don't think anybody have actually seen any of Marcus Gilbert's other films, even if he was consistently working as an Actor up to his death in 2026.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Then that just leaves Josh Becker. What possible offenses could Josh Becker have made to wind up being sent to hell in the first place.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Kevin Neece is infamously known to publicly criticize and lash out at People who are sitting in a Position of Power and getting away with Unethical Behavior without Punishment. There is nobody that he literally will not go to war with, and it has resulted in him being blacklisted by SAG AFTRA and the Entire Film Industry. Now where do you believe that Kevin Neece learned that from? He learned it from ten years of dealing with Josh Becker's website and all of the internet trolls that were writing into him. Josh Becker had a consistent career making Television Movies like Xena Warrior Princess, but it was mostly through his association with Robert Tapert and Sam Raimi. Josh Becker just could not get ahead in his film career because he refused to make Horror Movies like Sam Raimi and he refused to kiss the asses of Major Hollywood Producers like Steven Spielberg and Quentin Tarantino. Josh Becker's own worst enemy was his own big fucking mouth and personal opinions on Modern Day Movies. No Producer in Hollywood wants to hire someone that publicly criticizes their films and are unable to make good movies themselves. Even Josh Becker admits that he has never made a Great Movie in his life. There is a reason why Josh Becker never worked on the Ash vs Evil Dead series. Everyone believed he should have used his connections to work on our show, but he took a stand and still refused to do it. Not even to save his own career from the gutter. Josh Becker thought that having Ashley J Williams fight a brand new monster every week was the dumbest idea for a Television Show he had ever heard. And you want to know a little secret? I believe that the Evil Dead series has been dragged out for too long as well. I've been sick and tired of playing the role for decades, which is why I stopped appearing in the latest movies like Evil Dead Rise and Evil Dead Burn. I've simply had enough. The only reason we made Ash vs Evil Dead was because the fans wanted it, and even after we gave it to them Starz cancelled it after three seasons anyways. Enough is enough. I'm fucking dead now. I don't want to spend the rest of my afterlife dealing with Demons anymore. I'm dead now and I've had enough. Let the Evil Dead be somebody else's problem.
LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR:
Bruce, have you ever heard the expression, "The Devil is a Lawyer"? Well that is entirely true, we do have lawyers down here in Hell that can specialize in negotiations with the Seraphim in Heaven. The man that you and Josh Becker need most right now is Amon the Mediator. Amon is the Goetic Demon known for resolving conflicts and mending broken relationships. He may be the only hope that you all have. I can make a few phone calls and arrange for a secret meeting with Amon the Mediator, but it's going to take some time. And there is still the issue of how you are all planning to find Scott Spiegel, Josh Becker, and Marcus Gilbert.
VAGGIE:
Does Kevin Neece have any connections in the Hellerverse that are working on Lucifer's Staff? Any connections at all? If he's been experimenting with Witchcraft and the Occult from Satania YouTube, then surely he must have contacted somebody from the Ars Goetia with the Black Mirror.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Kevin Neece made a movie about Willie Aames Bibleman and somehow convinced a bunch of Ars Goetia Demons into helping him guest write their own scenes in the movie as a Practical Joke. And then he mailed DVD screeners of the movie to all of the Family Christian Stores in the United States. Andras The Marquis of Discord was mentioned by Vox the Television Demon in the news report, and his name sounds very familiar, as if he were featured in the movie.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Oh no, you do not want to go anywhere near Andras The Marquis of Discord. Have you ever heard the expression, "I don't start fights, I finish them"? Well that is exact what Andras does. He starts fights and he starts wars that kill millions of people. Andras is an absolute professional when it comes to trolling people and starting shit up. Andras isn't used to mediating situation, he always escalates things. He has no respect for any of the humans who invoke him without a summoning circle, to such a degree that he baits them and kills them, and his only allegiance is to Satan. What you just told us about Andras does not make any sense at all. How the fucking hell did Kevin Neece convince Andras The Marquis of Discord into helping him write a fan film about Willie Aames Bibleman?
VAGGIE:
We don't watch Earth Programs, but every Demon down in the Hellerverse and Pentagram City knows the Legend of Willie Aames Bibleman. That motherfucker was a Sex Offender who exposed himself to one of the child actors working on his Television Show. He was worth a Million Dollars per year and he threw it all away on drugs. He chose to make Bibleman because he was sleeping in bushes and parking garages. He made Bibleman to save himself from the streets. And the worst part is it actually fucking worked. He even came face to face with Andras the Marquis of Discord back in the 1990s and he lived to tell about it.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Okay then, what about Count Andromalius? My understanding is that Count Andromalius adheres to the same themes that could be applied to Law Enforcement Officers. He hunts down and returns your stolen property, and he finds hidden treasures. He encourages you to steal and then he punishes you for stealing. If anybody on Lucifer's Staff might be willing to help us, Count Andromalius sounds like our best option.
LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR:
Count Andromalius does work on our staff and he directly reports to me. I can make a few phone calls and get him down here as soon as possible. Count Andromalius is a Military Strategist like Andras The Marquis of Discord. He would have experience in how to pursue a mission that would take you through a potential war zone.
CUT TO:
INT HAZBIN HOTEL LOBBY
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
I could see why Kevin Neece would believe that I secretly produced Dear God as a Practical Joke on the Christian Community. The Director of Dear God was Garry Marshall, who played Satan in the Disney movie Hocus Pocus. There are Occultists who work in the Hollywood Film Industry, and it would not surprise me at all if Greg Kinnear has been invoking me to protect his valuables and his property. The movie Dear God was a sacrificial offering trade off for his own spiritual protection.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
If you are about to face off against Andras The Marquis of Discord in a Game of Wits, then you need to approach the situation in the same terms as a Chess Match and think outside the box. A Master Chess Player always thinks Three Moves Ahead of the Chess Board, just like the Angel of Death himself.
INGMAR BERGMAN:
Perhaps I can be of assistance. I checked into the hotel recently and could not help but overhear your situation. My name is Ingmar Bergman, and back when I was alive, everybody regarded me as a Master Filmmaker. I know all about chess games with the Angel of Death, because my 1957 Swedish film The Seventh Seal was about a Knight from the Crusades playing a game of chess against the Grim Reaper himself.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
It's funny you should mention that, because that is exactly what Andras The Marquis of Discord is. Andras might just be one of the deadliest opponents you will ever know. The only reason he wouldn't attack me is because I've been on his side for centuries. Andras only shows mercy to those who swear their allegiance to Satan. What do you believe is about to happen to us if we attempt to cross paths with Andras and he realizes he's just been fucked over? How are you realistically expecting me to defeat a Military Commander who is infamously known for starting wars that result in the deaths of millions of people?
INGMAR BERGMAN:
Antonius Block faces the exact same situation when he challenged Death to a chess match. If Death is inevitable, then sometimes the only thing you can do is to try and buy yourselves as much time as possible.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
I've already tried that. The Doctor said that my Cancer was treatable but incurable, meaning my fate was inevitable. I believed that I could buy myself more time if I took a step back from the fan conventions and film productions but Death came for me anyways when I least expected it. I was worth $10 Million Dollars. There was no reason for me to continue working if my own personal health was in danger. I tempted the Fates and Death came for me anyways. It's completely ironic. I've spent my entire life fighting demons and now I'm dependent on them to try and save my ass from the guillotine.
INGMAR BERGMAN:
Antonius Block knew that when he was playing chess with death, there was no chance of winning, so the object of the game was to buy himself more time in hopes that he could perform one last noble act before he met his fate. In the final scene of the movie, Antonius Block distracts the Grim Reaper so a Family of Jesters can escape without dying from the Plague.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
That is the most logical way to approach this. If Count Andromalius cannot win in a stand off against Andras The Marquis of Discord, then maybe he doesn't need to win at all. We just have to outwit Andras and the entire population of Pentagram City long enough so the Jester Family can escape.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Then in order to win this metaphorical chess match with Andras, we're going to have to come up with a brand new game, one that he's never played before.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
I know exactly what Chess Game you should play with him. I've actually read Kevin Neece's autobiography, and one of the chapters discusses a Chess Game Experiment that he played called The Danny McBride Offense. Kevin Neece theorized that if Chess was originally based on Medieval War Strategy, then why doesn't the King ride out in battle ahead of the men where he could easily be killed? Every time somebody plays a Game of Chess, they try and hold back their King until the very last man, but nobody asks what would happen if the King was the first one to ride out the door. How long would the Chess Game last if the King was the only one to face off directly against all of the other chess pieces? What Kevin Neece discovered on Chess.com, is that 50% of the time when the King Piece went out first, he would instantly lose the match within two or three moves. But the other 50% resulted in the other players being thrown off and confused as to why Kevin Neece was approaching them with the one Chess Piece that they needed to win the game. And why were none of their pawns and chess pieces able to defeat him? Kevin Neece proved that it was possible to not only send the King Piece to war without being taken, he was able to take the King Piece right behind enemy lines to the other side of the Board. That is why the Game is called The Danny McBride Offense. Danny McBride rides out ahead of the men in battle and faces off against all of his enemies, viciously mocking them and taunting them like a boss. And then he rides straight behind enemy lines and does a victory dance on the other side of the board until the other chess pieces can take him. The Objective of the Danny McBride Offense was never to win the game. The Objective of the Danny McBride Offense was to troll and confuse the other players by playing a completely different game under a completely different set of rules without telling them what he was doing.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
Then that is exactly what we need to do. We need to teach The Danny McBride Offense to Andras The Marquis of Discord with no context for what we are showing him. The entire Pentagram City are looking for Bruce Campbell, but none of them have caught on to him being harbored by the Hazbin Hotel or Count Andromalius. Andras doesn't know we are on the other side of this conflict. In theory, we could march right into Andras headquarters, and send Count Andromalius right into Andras office to perform a victory dance on the other side of the board with no objective chance of winning.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
I think I understand this. You want me to walk right into Andras office, so I can distract, troll, and confuse Andras while you hack into their database to get the information you need on Scott Spiegel, Josh Becker, and Marcus Gilbert. And you want all of us to do this in hopes that Pentagram City will not catch on to what we are doing right under their noses. And the search for the Evil Dead Crew Members are going to take all of us right into enemy territory like the plot of a Walter Hill movie.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
What were you planning to do? Live Forever. Our window of opportunity is closing by the minute. If we do not find Scott Spiegel, Josh Becker, and Marcus Gilbert before the Seraphim comes back for us, then Bruce Campbell and Amon the Mediator are going to have to take their chances without them.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
And God Help Us All on the Day that Sam Raimi and Robert Tapert die and go to Hell. Because this is a one off movie and we are not going to be making any sequels.
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
One step at a time Bruce, one step at a time. The Movie Rights Come Later.
CUT TO:
INT HELL OFFICE BUILDING
CUT TO:
INT ANDRAS OFFICE
ANDRAS:
I'm sorry, what are you doing here? Has there been some kind of emergency meeting?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
No emergency. I fully respect and realize that you've got your hands full with the Bruce Campbell Situation, but if you would politely oblige me, I'd like to have a little discussion with you over military strategy. How about a chess game?
ANDRAS:
You came all the way down here on your day off, knowing that I was in the middle of a Public Manhunt, so you could challenge me to chess match? This really is not the time right now.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
I'm asking you to oblige me.
ANDRAS:
Fine. But I'm warning you right now. Do not waste my time.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Trust me on this. You are going to want to see this.
ANDRAS:
Well then... it's ladies first before gentlemen, so you're making the first move.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
First move made.
ANDRAS:
Second move made.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Third move made.
ANDRAS:
You've left yourself wide open by exposing your King. Game set and match. That was quick.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Just as I suspected. Let's do this again.
ANDRAS:
First Move Made.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Second Move Made.
ANDRAS:
Third Move Made.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
And the King Rides Out into Battle.
ANDRAS:
Why the fucking hell do you keep exposing your King to Danger?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Because in times of Medieval War, the King would always be the first to ride out into battle before his men, where he could easily be killed.
ANDRAS:
That's not how you win a chess match. Anybody can defeat you in three moves or less every time you play the game.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Then tell me this Andras. Why didn't you?
ANDRAS:
Why didn't I do what?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
You defeated me in less than three moves the first time. What prevented you from doing it the second time?
ANDRAS:
Because making the same moves over and over again becomes boring and repetitive. If I took your king every single time you made that mistake, the game would never go anywhere. Do not mistake my generosity for weakness.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
But that's not necessarily called strategy. In the acts of war, what you just did could be mistaken for human error. You just allowed the enemy to cross over into your territory because you knowingly refused to stop him.
ANDRAS:
Oh get fucked Andromalius.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
You sincerely believe that because my King was the first one to ride into battle that you've already defeated me. How so? I'm still able to make moves.
ANDRAS:
Not hardly. It's still my turn.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Then watch what happens when you attempt to take out my King. You think you can do it? Let's see you try to defeat my King through the Rules of Chess.
ANDRAS:
Fourth Move.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Fifth Move Blocked.
ANDRAS:
Sixth Move.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Seventh Move avoided.
ANDRAS:
Are you planning on using any of your other chess pieces to protect your King?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
No, my King is about to break your flank and ride straight pass enemy lines. Let's see you try and stop me.
ANDRAS:
I can't.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Why not? According to the Rules of Chess, the King is supposed to be the most vulnerable and defenseless Chess Piece. I'm already two thirds across the board. What's stopping you from taking out my King?
ANDRAS:
It's not for lack of trying.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Check it out Andras. My King is doing a Victory Dance on the Other Side of the Board.
ANDRAS:
Are you even trying to win this game? There is no strategy involved in what you are doing. It looks like you keep resorting to unplanned out suicide moves in hope that you'll keep getting lucky. Chess is supposed to be about Thinking Three Moves Ahead of the Chess Board, not irresponsible suicide missions.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
That's exactly what happened to the US Army when they stormed the beaches of Normandy during World War II. Need I remind you that the reason why Kings stopped riding out into battle ahead of the men was because the Human Race invented Machine Guns.
ANDRAS:
Listen Fuckface. You have only moved one Chess Piece the entire game. You're already on the other side of the board, and I've still got all of my Chess Pieces. What makes you believe you stand any chance of defeating me?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
If I'm standing behind enemy lines, what prevents your Chess Pieces from defeating my King?
ANDRAS:
Because the Pawns cannot move backward. They can only move forward. I can't jump backwards to hold your King Piece in check mate because it's against the rules. And my Specialty Pieces like the Rooks, the Queen, and the Bishops cannot reach you from their respective positions. It's against the Rules of Chess.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
But who makes the rules? And why do we choose to follow them? Are not the rules of chess comparable to the rules of war? Are Human Soldiers not as Expendable as Pawns on a Chess Board? The minute that my King reached the other side of the board, it was blessed with special privileges that allowed it to move in any direction. My King can perform a surprise sneak attack on your pawns from sneaking up behind them. This is metaphorical for how a soldier behind enemy lines can be granted access and special privileges by gaining inside information that can be used to take out your men.
ANDRAS:
You are aware that my Queen is about to put your King in Check.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Then what stops you from doing it? If my King is so vulnerable behind your enemy lines, what stops you from winning the game?
ANDRAS:
Because it's not my turn. It's against the rules for my queen to move until you make your move. Are you even following the rules of chess? Because my understanding is that the entire point of the game is to protect your King.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
But my King isn't in danger right now. It's because he is protected by the Rules of War, and it's because you are choosing to follow them. But who makes the rules of Chess? Who makes the Rules of War? And who makes the Rules of Life? And why do we choose to follow them? Why do you always choose to play chess by the rules of somebody else's games when the rules of war mandate that sometimes to defeat your enemy, you have to make up a completely different set of rules. Do you even remember who invented the game of chess to begin with?
ANDRAS:
Yes Asshole. I do remember who invented the game of chess. The game originated from Northern India, it spread to Persia, then it reached Europe and was evolved during the Middle Ages as a Strategy Game for Medieval War. The entire point of the game was to teach Soldiers how to engage in critical thinking that would allow them to think three moves ahead of the chessboard.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
But you're playing by the rules of a society that has been dead for centuries because they are being applied to a chess game. But who makes the Rules of War? And why do we choose to follow them?
ANDRAS:
Because we are both Commanders of 30 Legions of Demons under the rule of Satan. And if we do not follow the orders and rules of our Superiors, we can be incarcerated and imprisoned under our own Laws.
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
So the reason that you choose to follow the rules that were invented by people who have been dead for centuries, is because you are afraid your superiors will punish you? Do you realize what else this logic could be applied to? The entire foundation for all of the Basic Religions that have existed since the beginning of the Human Race. And who invented and tried to apply all of these rules to us, it was Almighty God. And why was Lucifer cast out into Hell? Because he stood up to Almighty God and lost. But once Lucifer was cast into Hell, he was still able to make a name for himself. He was still able to rise to a Position of Power within our Society where he was able to invent his own Rules. So tell me Andras. Who makes the Rules? And why do we choose to follow them? If we stop following the rules when our conscience warns us that what we are doing is wrong, then are we allowed to make our own rules to fix the problem?
ANDRAS:
Are you planning to turn in your resignation? Is that what this is about? Because I am not going to accept your resignation and let you walk away. You are going to stop all of this nonsense, go back to your office, and work on whatever assignments that were given to you. And it's not because it's in the rules. It's not because you are being corporally punished. It's because I know you. I've worked with you for centuries, and I am not going to sit back and allow you to throw your fucking military career away and put your freedom in jeopardy just because you were having an existential crisis about the nature of religion, military strategy, and the stupidity of war! Now get the fuck out of my office before I change my mind!
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
And one more thing before I leave. Oh Andras... Game, Set, and Match. Check Mate.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR HELL OFFICE BUILDING
CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR:
We were able to hack the files on Josh Becker. Scott Spiegel and Marcus Gilbert didn't go to Hell, they were admitted to Heaven. Josh Becker was sent down here because he was an atheist. Do you think they are on to us?
COUNT ANDROMALIUS:
Andras is not stupid. We've only got a matter of minutes before he's going to realize he's just been suckered. It's time for you to leave now. Now now now.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR CARMILLA CARMINE'S OFFICE
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Andras... is something wrong?
ANDRAS:
I just received an unexpected visit from Count Andromalius, and he was suspiciously acting out of character in a manner that defied all logic and reason. He walked into my office, and challenged me to a game of chess that made no logical sense at all. It was as if somebody had taught him how to play a chess game that nobody had ever heard of before, one that didn't follow any of the rules, and during the game he kept using the chess moves as a metaphor about military insubordination and religion. And then he just left without explaining himself. Something is not right about this. Something is not right at all. I've worked with this man for centuries and not once have I ever had an encounter with him that went down like what just happened a few minutes ago.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Andras. Count Andromalius was not supposed to be on the schedule for any meetings today. There was no logical reason for him to even be in the building because he was given an assignment across town. Did he say anything to you that might give himself away?
ANDRAS:
He kept telling me that if somebody were to make it behind enemy lines, such as a chess piece reaching the other end of the board, he could sneak up on us, gaining insider information, and using it against the pawns. Because once the chess piece reaches the other side it has the ability to go forward and backwards. I am strongly advising you to have somebody check the systems to see if anybody tried to access the our files within the past hour or so.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
What do you believe Count Andromalius was doing?
ANDRAS:
I know exactly what he just did. Count Andromalius just mind fucked me over the chess board. And it was absolutely mind boggling. I've never been so angry or confused life.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Let me ask you something. What is your job mostly associated with in the Lesser Key of Solomon?
ANDRAS:
I will kill any human who is stupid enough to invoke me without using a summoning circle. They think I'm going to teach them new and interesting ways to kill people, but I'm not. They deserve to die if they failed to do their research before invoking me. Sometimes I even try to bait them into walking out of their summoning circles just to fuck with their minds and kill them.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
So you're mostly associated as a Death God. What fictional movie involves someone playing chess with a Death God?
ANDRAS:
Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And what does Max Von Sydow do at the end of the movie.
ANDRAS:
He distracts the Grim Reaper by knocking over all of the chess pieces so the jester family can escape.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And who has the most reason to escape from Pentagram City?
ANDRAS:
Bruce Campbell. Are you suggesting that a commander of 36 legions of Demons just committed an act of treason to aid and abet a known serial killer so he could escape Pentagram City. But that doesn't make sense. The entire city is ready to come down on Bruce Campbell's head like the plot of a Walter Hill movie.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Andras. What did Count Andromalius just do to you?
ANDRAS:
He mind fucked me over the chess board.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And what did Max Von Sydow do to the Grim Reaper during the Chess Match?
ANDRAS:
He distracted the Grim Reaper so the Jester family could escape.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And what organization in Pentagram City is dedicated to helping Demons gain admission to Heaven.
ANDRAS:
Charlie Morningstar and the Hazbin Hotel.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And who does Count Andromalius directly report to?
ANDRAS:
He reports directly to Lucifer Morningstar.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
And who runs the Hazbin Hotel?
ANDRAS:
Lucifer Morningstar's Daughter, The Princess of Hell. But if Lucifer and Charlie Morningstar are knowingly harboring Bruce Campbell at the Hazbin Hotel, what prevents Bruce Campbell from already leaving?
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Diplomacy takes time to gain admission to Heaven. That's what Count Andromalius needs right now. He's looking to buy themselves more time.
ANDRAS:
No. That's not it at all. The only plausible reason for Bruce Campbell to remain in Pentagram City would be if they were looking for somebody. Bruce Campbell knows somebody that died and went to Hell, and they are looking for him so they can take him with them. This is a Jail Break.
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Look up and cross reference any known associates of Bruce Campbell who may have died within the past few months. Anybody that might have has justifiable cause to be denied entrance to Heaven. It doesn't have to be based on Sinful Behavior. Atheists get sent to Hell all the time.
ANDRAS:
And what do you want me to do about Count Andromalius?
CARMILLA CARMINE:
You and Count Andromalius are both Commanders of at least 30 Legions of Demons. If you attempt to publicly engage with Count Andromalius and it goes public all over the news airwaves, it could result in another Civil War in the Hellerverse. The entire point of the Bruce Campbell manhunt was to prevent him from slaughtering innocent civilians. We don't need you to escalate this into further violence like you normally do. You are going to have to think outside the box and find whoever Bruce Campbell is looking for before the Hazbin Hotel can get to him first.
ANDRAS:
This entire situation defies all logic and plausibility. Count Andromalius is a Military Strategist. Why the fucking hell would he walk straight into my office and knowingly give himself away like that?
CARMILLA CARMINE:
Because he was mind fucking you over the chess board so the Jester Family could escape.
CUT TO:
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