Ah My Goddess: Wacky Go Lucky 24 Page Script

AH MY GODDESS: WACKY GO LUCKY

Written by 

Kevin Neece

FADE IN:

EXT. JAPANESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

CUT TO:

INT. JAPANESE RESTAURANT - TABLE

There's a mirror on the wall in the background of an otherwise near empty family owned restaurant. Kodansha Ltd CEO YOSHINOBU NOMA is sitting at a table, exhausted, bitter, depressed, slumped over his meal, with an empty can of Dr Pepper sitting next to his glass. He isn't eating. He's just staring at his food like he's daydreaming.

JOHN CLEESE:

Excuse me sir... but I couldn't help but notice... are you aware that you have no reflection?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

I'm sorry, did you just say "no reflection"?

JOHN CLEESE:

That mirror, on the wall over there. You're not casting a reflection.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Really? Are you sure that's not just the other side of the room?

JOHN CLEESE:

Quite positive. You see me waving over there. Hello! And there's your fork floating in mid-air. And then there's nothing. Nothing at all. It's like you're a ghost.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Are you sure that's not some kind of trick mirror?

JOHN CLEESE:

Do we look like the kind of establishment that can afford trick mirrors?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

So you're saying that I really have no reflection?

JOHN CLEESE:

Well, it does raise cause for concern. Might you be a Vampire sir?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Of course not... Why would I be a Vampire?

JOHN CLEESE:

It is very late in the evening sir, and the sun has gone down, and you, being here without a reflection, it just stands out to notice sir.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

So I work late nights at the office. So what of it? I'm not Count Orlock. I don't thirst for blood. I'm not a creature of the night.

JOHN CLEESE:

Does your lawyer do the work for you, sir?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Sometimes... no wait... I didn't say that.

JOHN CLEESE:

So you're a High Society Vampire. A Dracula of the Corporate World.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

I'm not ANY kind of Vampire! Look! I'm eating General Tso's Chicken. Mmm, see! I like General Tso's Chicken! Yummy!

JOHN CLEESE:

Might I retrieve you a cup of pig's blood to wash it down, sir?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

No no... I've got my Dr Pepper... and my General Tso's Chicken... I'm fine... honestly.

JOHN CLEESE:

But you still don't have a reflection.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Just what are you implying here?

JOHN CLEESE:

Well, today it's your reflection... by tomorrow you could be completely invisible.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Get out of here.

JOHN CLEESE:

Do you know of ANY Vampires that you might have come into contact with?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

The only bloodsucker creature of the night that we have working on our staff is that goddamn Mangaka who made Ah My Goddess and Toppu GP!

JOHN CLEESE:

I see... and this Japanese Mangaka... does he cast a reflection? Would you describe this man as Animal, Vegetable, or Mineral?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Pedophile.

JOHN CLEESE:

Ouch... that's not something you say in polite conversation.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Whoever said Kosuke-san made for polite conversation? Do you see him eating in Fancy Restaurants?

JOHN CLEESE:

You just insinuated that this man might be a Sexual Deviant.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Insinuate nothing! He is a Sexual Deviant! And I should know, we can smell our own! This man has clearly been masturbating to motorcycle magazines nonstop since he was a teenager and has shown no signs of stopping!  Can you imagine taking that Emergency Operator's Phone Call? Hello, Operator, we need a Patrol Car down to the Parking Garage at Kodansha Ltd. Some man just got his Penis stuck in a Motorcycle Gas Tank, we may need the Jaws of Life to free him! Over! Try keeping that out of the Japanese Trade Papers. Our Publicity Department must have the willpower of a Saint!

JOHN CLEESE:

Then the only conclusion that I can come to is that somebody may have cursed you.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Gee Willickers... I wonder who that could be...

JOHN CLEESE:

It sounds like you already know.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Please... just let me eat my General Tso's Chicken in Peace.

JOHN CLEESE:

Are you really not concerned about this anomaly?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Trust me. This is just another Tuesday at the Goddess Hotline Office.

JOHN CLEESE:

Good Lord... have you no self-respect for what might be happening to you?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

It's a reflection. I use it for practically nothing. It's like Peter Pan and his Shadow.

BRUCE MCCOLLUCH:

Excuse me! Hello! Are you aware that you have no reflection?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

So I've recently been informed.

BRUCE MCCOLLUCH:

Wow! I've always wanted to meet a Vampire!

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

I'm not a Vampire!

JOHN CLEESE:

Not yet anyways... it's possible that right now he's only Half Vampire... it's the Lawyers... hard to take credit for the fresh nightly kills when the Company Lawyers do all the work...

BRUCE MCCOLLUCH:

What if I take a Selfie? Will you still show up on camera? Are you the invisible man?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

I'm not invisible just yet... but I might as well be... this is the most attention I've gotten from the general public in years.

BRUCE MCCOLLUCH:

You know... my old college roommate Martha Vineyard! She once knew a Vampire named Jerry!

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

She did not!

BRUCE MCCOLLUCH:

She did!

JOHN CLEESE:

Oh, you dirty little titty twister! I see what you're trying to do here! You're just trying to jump on the bandwagon!

BRUCE MCCOLLUCH:

I never!

JOHN CLEESE:

You did! You just walked in on my discovery of the year and now you're trying to steal this man's spotlight! He's my Nosferatu Creature of the Night! I saw him first!

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Let's put this to a vote. All in favor of paying my check, say I!

BRUCE MCCOLLUCH:

Excuse me. I'm not paying your check.

JOHN CLEESE:

It's my restaurant. If you eat my General Tso's Chicken I'm afraid you are going to have to pay for it. Reflection or No Reflection. We do not give discounts for Vampirism.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

I'm a senior citizen.

JOHN CLEESE:

We don't cater to the elderly either.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

That's okay I've got Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Diner's Club.

JOHN CLEESE:

Buggerfucktwat! It just occurred to me! How are we going to prove this to anyone?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.

JOHN CLEESE:

That's just the point. We can't take a picture because you're invisible!

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

No, I just fail to cast a reflection. My grandchildren are going to fucking love being around me this Halloween. Huzzah!

CUT TO:

EXT. JAPANESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

CUT TO:

EXT KODANSHA LTD BUILDING - DAY

CUT TO:

INT. YOSHINOBU NOMA'S OFFICE - DAY

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

You rang for me Sir? Have I done anything wrong?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Kosuke-san... I'd like to have a fine little chat with you today. It's about your ambitions in life. Now I know you've been enjoying your work with Toppu GP and the Wife and Kid and all. But if there is one thing I've learned over the years of my life, it's that retirement is the number one killer of old people. Take a look at me for example. I'm never going to retire. Never. Never ever. Whoever's waiting in line after me is going to have to wait until I'm dragged away from this office in a Body Bag... nonetheless... you dig what I'm saying here?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

I'm not quite sure if I'm following you at all.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Don't you believe it's time that you've gathered just a little more ambition in life, Kosuke-san?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

I worked on that Devil's Bargain Ah My Goddess series for Thirty Years, believe me, my ambitions are spent.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Have you ever seen the Walter Hill movie, Brewster's Millions? Where Richard Pryor's Grandfather forces him to spend $30 Million in Thirty Days without gaining any Physical Assets so that he can inherit $300 Million? The point of the Grandfather's Stunt in the movie was to teach Richard Pryor about the Ethics and Responsibility of handling large sums of money.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

You want me to spend $30 Million in Thirty Days?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

No, but the gesture is about the same. I want to re-instill you with ambition in life. I want to find the man who made Keiichi Morisato a household name, to save him from the depths of depravity and scandal. I believe it's about time that somebody pulled you out of semi-retirement to saddle you with a little more responsibility in life. Just as a Father hands down the role of Manhood to his Son.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

This is getting a little bit weird. Trust me. I'm honored, really I am, but I've got enough responsibility right now with the Wife and the Kid and Toppu GP and posting my 7-11 Meals on Twitter and my Model Motorcycles and such.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Gee Willickers Kosuke-san. I have a wife too you know, and it's never stopped me from arriving here at work on time every day to sign your paychecks.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Point taken... what exactly did you want me to do?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

I want you to start caring about your life again, and the world of events that's going on around you. I sense a man that's been hiding from a world that's beyond his control. What happened to this man? His first series out the gate was about Slice of Life Adventures of Police Women on You're Under Arrest, and those women had Responsibility. And then he got caught up in that Devil's Bargain Ah My Goddess series for Thirty Years, only the difference being that those Goddesses were Slackers who sat back and let Keiichi Morisato do all the work for them. Kind of a thematic change in ideals don't you think? And then this man, this legendary mangaka... well... he disappeared. And don't think that we didn't notice your lack of response when the Prime Minister of Japan Shinzo Abe was assassinated. Just who the Holy Hell are you anymore? Are you even a man Fujishima... or are you a Mouse like Ganchan?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Just what the hell are you expecting me to do? You want me to comment more on the Media? That's the Matrix dude? Social Media News is all just a form of Propaganda and Control, even in the Nation of Japan. It's like we're a bunch of horses and the News Stations are the ones putting the blinders on us so our gaze can be steered in the direction of what they want us to see. What possibly change could I possibly hope to give society? Just what the hell am I supposed to do, run for the Prime Minister of Japan?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

You're forgetting something Kosuke-san, being Prime Minister is the easiest job to apply for on Earth. Technically, the only qualifications that you need are the ability to hold a pen and put ink to paper. By Golly by George! It just hit me! Like a Bolt of Lightning! Kosuke-san! That's exactly what you've been doing for the past Thirty Years!

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Are you fucking serious? You actually want ME, of all godforsaken people to run for Government Office! I've just been scandalized as a Bigamist and a Pedophile! No Campaign Team within a Hundred Miles is going to support my ass!

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

And that's exactly the point that we want to make. You went into hiding after you were scandalized. Big Fucking Whoop. But do you know who else gets scandalized every single time he's on the news? Ex-President Donald Trump. Now I'm not a supporter of Donald Trump, not at all. But I have to give him just a little credit. As a man who pisses off the entire world on a day to day basis, he still steps up to the plate and wants to take one for the team. And look at him, it's as if he's untouchable. Every single investigation lobbied against him is all just for show. It's a charade I tell you. So here's my idea. Don't become Prime Minister.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Well thank my Goddesses and Lucky Stars we can agree on that.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Oh we're still going to back your campaign for Prime Minister, I'm telling you, you're going to run for Public Office... and you are going to do everything in your power to Throw the Election out the window.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Remember the Warren Beatty movie Bulworth? Have you ever seen an event in Political History where somebody went out and intentionally said "Fuck it". Throwing away his election chances to speak the Godforsaken Outspoken Truth?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

So... your plan isn't for me to actual perform the Job of Prime Minister of Japan.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

That's right... wait for it... wait for it...

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

You just want me to Campaign for Prime Minister of Japan... and do whatever the fuck I want... while the News Media puts my entire private life on display?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Let's put it this way. I want you to tell the general public what you REALLY think of them on Mass Media News... and then I want you to walk away. Just like Richard Pryor did on Brewster's Millions when he ran a Campaign for Mayor called "None of the Above."

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

I can say ANYTHING I want on the News?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Anything you want.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

And Kodansha Ltd is going to foot the Campaign Bills?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

That's right.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

What about a Campaign Banner that reads "Kosuke-san for Prime Minister! Sure he's a Pedo Bigamist, but at least he's not Donald Trump!"

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Now you're talking. We should totally print that one up.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

And to think... I can finally take my Nekomu Otogi out in public again.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

First Lady of the White House Melania Trump used to Nude Model for Porno Magazines. What does Nekomu Otogi have to lose?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Suddenly I'm beginning to see a world of possibilities. Wait a minute. What am I saying here? Let's suppose that something goes wrong during the Campaign. Let's suppose that there's a one in a million chance that I actually WIN The election.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

That'll never happen. All of the Elections are rigged.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

But what if it did? What if we won the Election?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

I'm saying it won't. Your chances are Astronomical.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

But what if it did?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Aren't you the guy who decided he wanted to do the least amount of work for the most amount of money like Marlon Brando on Richard Donner's Superman?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

That would most definitely be me.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Excellent. That's exactly what Shinzo Abe did. Nothing. A Great Big Nothing. That's why they took him out back and shot him.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Exactly. I don't want to be taken out back and shot like Shinzo Abe. I gave Thirty Years of my Life to those Goddesses. Leslie Nielson and Steve Martin didn't hit their Career Heights until they were in their Fifties. I've still got a life to live. Steven Martin's still playing the Banjo and making Hit Streaming Series with Martin Short. What's my excuse?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

And that is the very point of this Campaign. You've got a life to live. And it's time for you to put yourself out there on the Barbeque Grill in front of the General Public and start living it again. What would Officer Natsumi Tsujimoto do if she were in your place?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

She would get shitface plastered before showing up on the job and throw up in her work locker before passing out.

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Perfect. Let's do that.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

You want me to get shitface drunk before my Campaign Speeches? Really?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Really really.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Couldn't we just donate the Campaign Money to a noble cause like the Kyoto Animation Donation Funds?

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Kosuke-san. Let me tell you something about Elections. Every election is a Rat Race, that we all know. And you of all people should know about Races, you've dedicated your entire life to them. From a thematic standpoint, motorcycle races aren't really all that different than election races other than they bring up the question of which one is more dangerous. A motorcycle race gone wrong can end your life within a split second heartbeat, but an election race gone wrong can destroy your life for the rest of your life if you sit back and let it. That's the problem with racing. There's only one goddamn winner every fucking time. Why is that? Why are we so dead set as a Society in celebrating the Winners when every race has twenty different people who didn't win at all? If there can only be one winner, then does that insinuate that we are all a bunch of Losers? Why do these racers choose to race when they know there can only be one winner? Has it ever stopped them from trying when they repeatedly lose race after race after race? Some people can go their entire lives without ever winning a race, but that doesn't stop them from trying. Why is that? Is winning an election as important as the journey of twists and turns and life lessons that take you there? Because just like a motorcycle race, one wrong turn in an election can kill you. But that doesn't stop people from trying. And it doesn't stop people from living when things don't go according to plan. Because that's life. Nothing ever goes according to plan, it's just one fuck up after another designed to teach all of us a bunch of bullshit morality tales and life lessons that shape us into the sad shell of a human being that we all secretly know we turned out to be. You want to know the real reason why you stand no chance of winning this election? It's because you're going to tell people what they NEED to hear, while the person who gets elected is going to cheat his way past the finish line by telling everyone what they WANT to hear. But those elections promises are a fairy tale, and your election promises are going to be the reality that we all must face in the end if we are ever going to have a government that can work for the people. That is the Politician that I would want to back. The one who learns a life lesson by telling us the dirty underhanded truth about our government, not the one who gets the election handed to him on a silver platter because he has the most money. Sometimes losing can build character along the way. Sometimes life doesn't give us what we want so it can shape us into a better human being. This campaign race is no longer about winning an election. It's about finding our true selves as a society. So it's time to saddle in, Kosuke-san, because you are about to be in it for the long haul.

CUT TO:

INT. NHK WORLD JAPAN NEWS STATION

REPORTER:

Starting his Campaign for Prime Minister of Japan today, we are shocked to announce that recluse mangaka Kosuke Fujishima is coming forward to the public to throw in his bid. So tell me Kosuke-san... your Twitter Feeds have been disturbing barren of any type of social commentary ever since your marriage to Nekomu Otogi and the Lawsuit got scandalized over the news. Why this? Why now? What could you possibly be hoping to achieve?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Well it's like this... when the Creative Team at Kodansha Ltd first pitched me this idea for a Political Campaign, I was like, "Are you fucking insane?"... but then I remembered the Trump Administration and it hit me... there is no conceivable way possible for me to fuck up on the job and do any worse than what Donald Trump did, I can tell you that. So my wife is thirty years younger than me. Let me ask you, when Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro were having children announced in the news at their old ages, did you go out and scandalize them? When Leonardo DiCaprio was dating twenty year old women, did anybody really care at all? And when the First Lady in the White House, Melania Trump, became the first lady in history to have Nude Modeling Photos in a Porno Magazine, did anybody in America Flinch? It's a solid gold deal really. If anything it's a Suicide Mission. I'll tell you right now, what are my plans for Prime Minister when I win the election? Nothing. If it ain't broke then don't fix it.

REPORTER:

So your plans for Prime Minister are to DO NOTHING?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

No, I'm saying that ALL of the Candidates Plans for Prime Minister are to DO NOTHING. We're all thinking it, I'm just saying it on the News. The only qualifications I need to do this fucking job is to hold a pen and put ink signatures to paper. Just like Shinzo Abe did before me. 

REPORTER:

Right... you are aware that's why they took Shinzo Abe out back and shot him aren't you?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

I've got the Goddesses of Fate on my side. Bullets are supposed to bounce off of me like Rubber Bullets being fired at a SWAT Team. 

REPORTER:

So your plan is to Campaign for Prime Minister of Japan... and not do anything at all.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

If it suits your fancy, I could remodel the Kantei so that it's laced in Black and Gold like Scarface with a Mountain of Cocaine spread out over my Desk. Actually, now that we're discussing it, there is one thing that I'd like to do. I've got a plan to bring all Homicide Cases in the Nation of Japan to a Grinding Halt.

REPORTER:

And now you believe you can stop murder?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Even better. I'm going to STOP Murder Investigations Altogether.

REPORTER:

Isn't that the same as Legalizing Murder?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

In a sense, yes, but I've got this Special Crime Fighting Technique that I've been wanting to try out for years. Allow me to pitch this to you. It's called The Doublet System. Every time a Police Officer murders a Criminal on the Job without giving him Due Process through the Court System, instead of punishing that particular Police Officer, we are going to pick a completely different Police Officer totally at random, take him out into the middle of the Streets, and Gun his ass down in Cold Blood like a North Korean Firing Squad. Then we're going to leave the body sitting there for everyone to see like the Severed Heads on Game of Thrones.

REPORTER:

Oh My Goddess. So not only is your Campaign running on a Bill to Legalize Murder... but you're also going to start killing Random Police Officers like an Eye for an Eye.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

No, not Legalize Murder... we're just going to Cancel all Homicide Investigations and put all of the Homicide Detectives on the Unemployment Lines. And I'll tell you why. Because whenever some punk murders somebody. We're going to take some random family member that they are going to miss, and then we're going to have the Police execute their ass in the middle of the street like a North Korean Firing Squad. And then we're going to leave his body lying out in the road for the General Public. You see? There's a sense of symmetrical logic going on here. The Door swings both ways. It's called The Doublet System. The only way that Both Police Officers and Civilians can learn to co-exist beside one another is if the killing just stops Cold Turkey.

REPORTER:

But Murder happens... it just does... it's Human Nature. You can't just cancel all Homicide Investigations. That would be like taking the Nation of Japan back to the Wild Wild West days of America.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

If the Goddesses and Demons can learn to get along, then so can the rest of the Human Race.

REPORTER:

Are we 100% percent sure you didn't steal your idea for The Double System from a Rutger Hauer Mimi Rogers movie called Wedlock? In the movie, all of the prisoners are wearing Exploding Collars that are linked to each other at random. If one prisoner escapes, his collar explodes along with his wedlock partner. And because nobody knows who their partner is, everyone is afraid to escape. Hence it becomes a prison with no need for gates or walls to keep everyone in.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

I have never seen Wedlock in my life. I swear to you it's a total coincidence.

REPORTER:

Right... and Tom McLoughlin's Date with an Angel wasn't the real inspiration for the Oh My Goddess Manga. Before we go, perhaps you could lend us your perspective on the state of Political Campaigns over in America?

KOSUKE FUJISIMA:

It's called The Illusion of Division that Shields the Unification of Selfish Intentions. When you watch the GOP fight the Democrats it is always presented to you on Television as Pure Self Righteous Evil vs Incompetent with the Best of Intentions Good, and you believe there is a Good vs Evil dynamic going on. In Reality, both parties, the Republicans and the Democrats, work for the Same Team and have the Exact Same Goals, they are all out to Fuck Over the American Public to Further Their Own Selfish Careers. So the Good vs Evil Dynamic that you are watching on Television is actually a Facade, a Total Illusion designed to Trick You during the Election. Because it doesn't matter who wins the Elections when both sides are Out to Get You. All of the Congressman are under the Greek Muse Influence of Demons. Not just the GOP, but the Democrats too. It's not one side vs the other. It's both of them at the same time. The Illusion of Division between the Two Parties that Hides their Unification showcasing that they are secretly working together to Selfishly Further their own Careers. Does all of this make sense to you now?

REPORTER:

Well that about wraps things up for today. This has been Future Prime Minister Prospect Kosuke Fujishima reporting to you live. What's your campaign slogan again?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

"Kosuke-san! So he's a Pedo Bigamist, at least he's not Donald Trump!"

REPORTER:

That's an Honest Critique if I've ever heard one. And we do appreciate Honesty in Politics. Stay Tuned, more News at 11pm.

CUT TO:

INT. KOSUKE FUJISHIMA'S APARMENT - DAY

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA wakes up.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Oh wowzers. I just had the most wonderful dream. I dreamed I was running for Prime Minister of Japan... and I was free to say whatever the fuck I wanted. Wait, was that a dream, or was that real? What the fuck am I going to do if I win the election?

NEKOMU OTOGI:

That's never going to happen.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Hey I could win the Election if I really tried. The only qualifications one needs to do the Prime Minister's Job is to hold a pen and put ink to paper signatures.

NEKOMU OTOGI:

Oh sure you could. If you actually ran for Election.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Are you telling me that entire News Report was a Dream?

NEKOMU OTOGI:

What News Report? What are you talking about?

CUT TO:

EXT. KODANSHA LTD BUILDING - DAY

CUT TO:

INT. YOSHINOBU NOMA'S OFFICE - DAY

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

What do you mean we're not running for Election? I could just swear it was so real!

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Are you feeling okay? Why would our office ever finance a political campaign for Prime Minister of Japan based on you? Is this some kind of practical joke?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

But I could be Prime Minister if I really wanted!

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Oh you could, could you! And I suppose you could also run this company too if you tried! Is that it? Are you gunning for my job you Wise Cracker! Because I'm not keen on retiring any time soon you Slacker Asshole! So tell me Kosuke-san! What's your campaign slogan again?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

"Kosuke-san! So he's a Pedo Bigamist, at least he's not Donald Trump!"

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Okay I could actually see that working.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

What?!! Gag Me a Fuck River! I knew it! I knew it! The Goddesses are calling out to me and they want me to be Prime Minister! They want me to instill the Doublet System on Japan!

YOSHINOBU NOMA:

Oh you you you! Back to work with you and your goddamn motorcycles on Toppu GP! Go back to your damn glue models for the love of God, just do anything other than running the Nation of Japan please for the mercy of the Human Race! All of those Model Glue Fumes have finally gone to your head! You Glue Sniffer!

CUT TO:

EXT. KODANSHA LTD BUILDING - DAY

CUT TO:

INT. PSYCHIATRIST OFFICE - DAY

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Skuld... you've got to help me. I keep suffering from the same recurring nightmare over and over again. And now it's reached the point where I can't tell which reality is real anymore. Every time I go to sleep I wake up switching back and forth between the Dream World and the Real World.

SKULD:

Very Interesting. Well you've come to the right place Kosuke-san. The Incredible Super Psychoanalyst Skuld is on the case. So tell me Kosuke-san. What is this Alternate Reality that you keep seeing in your nightmares?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

My boss Yoshinobu Noma believes he's turning into High Society Vampire of the Dracula Corporate world, and now he's taking it out on me, like I've become his own personal pet project. He's projecting his own delusions of grandeur onto my own life. Every time I wake up in this dimension, Yoshinobu Noma is under the impression that he's financially backing my campaign to run for Prime Minister of Japan, only he doesn't want me to actually win the election, he just wants to see me fuck with the general public's minds for sick laughs because he knows that putting myself and my private life on display in front of the entire nation of Japan is my worst nightmare come true.

SKULD:

Right then... and in this Recurring Nightmare... who is your political running mate? Is it Nekomu Otogi?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Even worse. It's Mitsuo Iwata.

SKULD:

Your political running mate is Mister Ganchan from The Adventures of Mini-Goddess? Damn dude... that show is almost Twenty Five Years Old by now. Remember the episode where all of the Rats in Tarhiki Hongan Temple held their own Election and Mara Marller turned the whole thing into a Mud Slinging Backstabbing Political War?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

So what do you make of this Skuld? Is there any hope left for me? Do you even believe me at all.

SKULD:

It's a very good question isn't it Kosuke-san? How can you tell the difference between your Reality and your Recurring Nightmares? I'll give you a hint. Am I a real person? Or is Skuld a fictional illusion of your imagination? I thought so. Kosuke-san, I believe what we have here is not a case of Work Stress Related Nightmares, nor is it some kind of Mental Illness or Illusion. In my professional opinion. You are suffering from a Incurable Case of Wacky Go Lucky. It's Cuckoo Village for you Mangaka Boy. Just like the movie Slaughterhouse Five, you have become Unstuck between two different alternate dimensions. In one dimension, you are Kosuke Fujishima, the mangaka of Ah My Goddess and Toppu GP. And in the Alternate Universe, you are the Political Candidate Running for Prime Minister of Japan. All that matters now is finding a way out that perfectly suits your life agenda. Which Universe is the Right Universe FOR YOU?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Well obviously the one with my wife and child are the right universe.

SKULD:

Yes, but does Nekomu Otogi and your child exist in both Universes. And in which universe would you dedicate the most of your time to them?

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

Well obviously the original one where I'm still a mangaka.

SKULD:

Kosuke-san... just because you are running for Prime Minister of Japan does not mean that you cease to be a mangaka. All of your work is out there for the world to see, and the writing is already on the wall. It's not like your past work will cease to exist if you reach a crossroads designed to lead you down a different path in life. If you think about it logically, both positions of Mangaka and Prime Minister only require that you think outside the box and put ink to paper with your signatures. So I guess what I'm asking is: Which universe would you be happier in? The universe where you are despised by the general public because you are an elected official... or the original universe where you are despised by the general public because of your lousy relationship skills with women. Never Forget that Heavy Hangs the Crown and Ultimately when it comes to the problems of a Nation, the Buck Stops With You. That's exactly why they took Shinzo Abe out back and shot him.

KOSUKE FUJISHIMA:

If your insinuation is that I suffer from the same problems in both realities... then... Wacky Go Lucky may be right... what's the difference between this reality and the next one if I'm the same person in both of them?

SKULD:

The difference could only be your happiness and your peace of mind. Ultimately, all human beings only exist upon this earth for a very short time and it is up to them to decide how to make the most out of their lives and how they will be remembered. Do you want to be remembered as a man whom Japan knew practically nothing about beyond the relationship scandals that were publicized in the news? Or do you want to go out as the man who took one last shot at a Society Gone Wrong in front of the entire nation where everyone could see it? It's a hundred percent Wacky Go Lucky my old friend.

KOSUKE FUJISMA:

So... Wacky Go Lucky it is then...

ROLL THE CREDITS

FADE OUT:

John Candy is a Satanist? The Book of Paul Reubens

This Chapter we write in Loving Memory of Paul Reubens, a man loved by many, but even he couldn't escape the Hollywood Influence of the Illuminati.

Paul Reubens was in The Blues Brothers with the Angel of Death Dan Aykroyd from Twilight Zone The Movie.

Paul Reubens was in The Blues Brothers with John Belushi from 1941 with The Devil John Candy.

Paul Reubens was in Cheech and Chong's Next Movie with Cheech Marin from From Dusk Till Dawn with The Devil Harvey Keitel from Little Nicky.

Paul Reubens was in Cheech and Chong's Next Movie with Tommy Chong from Cars 2 with Bruce Campbell from The Evil Dead Franchise.

Paul Reubens was in Mork and Mindy with Robin Williams from Bicentennial Man with The Devil Sam Neill from The Omen III The Final Conflict.

Paul Reubens was in Pandemonium with Judge Reinhold from Beverly Hills Cop with Eddie Murphy from the Demonology film The Golden Child and The Haunted Mansion.

Paul Reubens was in Pandemonium with Eileen Brennan from Jeepers Creepers with Justin Long from the Demonology film Drag Me To Hell.

Paul Reubens was in Pandemonium with Carol Kane from The Princess Bride with Chris Sarandon from the Voodoo Witchcraft film Child's Play.

Take Note that DEMON is the middle word in Pandemonium.

Paul Reubens was in Meatballs 2 with John Larroquette from Tales from the Crypt Demon Knight with The Devil Billy Zane.

Paul Reubens was in Pee Wee's Big Adventure scored by The Devil Danny Elfman from Forbidden Zone.

Paul Reubens was in Pee Wee's Big Adventure with EG Daily from Better Off Dead with John Cusack from the Demonology film 1408.

Paul Reubens was in Pee Wee's Big Adventure with EG Daily from Babe directed by George Miller from Twilight Zone The Movie.

Paul Reubens was in Big Top Pee Wee with Kris Kristofferson from Blade II with The Devil Ron Perlman from Hellboy.

Paul Reubens was in Pee Wee's Playhouse with Laurence Fishburne from The Matrix with Keanu Reeves from The Devil's Advocate with The Devil Al Pacino.

Paul Reubens was in Batman Returns with Michael Keaton from the Demonology film Beetlejuice with The Devil Jeffrey Jones from Stay Tuned and The Devil's Advocate.

Paul Reubens was in Buffy The Vampire Slayer with Kristy Swanson from Highway to Hell.

Paul Reubens was in Buggy the Vampire Slayer with Rutger Hauer from Blade Runner directed by Ridley Scott who made Legend with The Devil Tim Curry.

Paul Reubens was in Matilda with Embeth Davidtz from Evil Dead 3 aka Army of Darkness.

Paul Reubens was in Matilda with Mara Wilson from the witchcraft film A Simple Wish.

Paul Reubens was in Matilda with The Devil Danny DeVito from Little Demon.

Paul Reubens was in Buddy with Rene Russo from Lethal Weapon 4 with Chris Rock from Kevin Smith's DOGMA with the Angel of Death Matt Damon.

Paul Reubens was in Mystery Men with The Devil Tom Waits from The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.

Paul Reubens was in Mystery Men with Ben Stiller from Highway to Hell.

Paul Reubens was in Mystery Men with Geoffrey Rush from the Demonology film House on Haunted Hill.

Paul Reubens was in Mystery Men with William H Macy from Air Force One with The Devil Gary Oldman from Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Paul Reubens was in Mystery Men with Hank Azaria from Godzilla with Matthew Broderick who is married to Sarah Jessica Parker from the Salem Witchcraft film Hocus Pocus.

Paul Reubens was in Mystery Men with Greg Kinnear from As Good as It Gets with The Devil Jack Nicholson from The Witches of Eastwick.

Paul Reubens was in Mystery Men with Wes Studi from Deep Rising with Famke Janssen from House on Haunted Hill.

Ah My Goddess: Who Shot Mike Richardson? Treatment and 30 Pages Written Test Scenes

AH MY GODDESS: WHO SHOT MIKE RICHARDSON?

Treatment Written by Kevin Neece

Belldandy Urd and Skuld crash the Dark Horse Comics Reunion Party only to discover that everyone is snubbing them behind their backs because they've been out of print for so long, and the future omnibus release is not looking good. Skuld finds herself befriending David Harbour's Hellboy from the latest Hellboy remake who is also being treated like an outcast because Ron Perlman's Hellboy and Selma Blair are the life of the party. Suddenly Law from Agents of Law shows up on the Television Monitors and locks everybody in the Dark Horse Comics HQ Building like The Belko Experiment, the lights go out, a Gunshot goes off, and when the lights come back on, Mike Richardson is suspiciously still alive... its because the assailant SHOT HIM RIGHT IN THE TESTICLES. But the joke is on all of them because Mike Richardson never had a set of balls to begin with. So then the lights go out again, a Second Gunshot goes off, then the lights come back on and Mike Richardson has been shot in the face and falls to the floor. 

As Law is only featured on the Television Monitors, that means somebody else in the room did the dirty deed. Ron Perlman's Hellboy digs out the bullet and surmises that it came from David Harbour's gun, and immediately puts the Remake Hellboy under house arrest with Skuld being the only one who believes in David Harbour's innocence. David Harbour has clearly been framed. Law's challenge to the Comic Book Characters of Dark Horse Comics is they have only a few hours to Solve the Mystery and find their way out of the building, or else Dark Horse Comics is going to be BURNED TO THE GROUND like Shinji Aoba's attack on Kyoto Animation. Can Junior Detective Skuld and David Harbour's Hellboy solve the case before Dark Horse Comics is burned to the ground? At the end of the movie, when the real killer is unmasked, Belldandy is pinpointed as the killer by Skuld like an episode of Scooby Doo, and then she is revealed to be Big Head from The Mask wearing Belldandy's Face as a disguise. When Skuld takes off her Mask, the killer's true identity is revealed to be Scott Allie wearing a Belldandy Cosplay Dress.

FADE IN:

EXT. ALLEY WAY - NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT NARRATOR:

Once upon a time in 2023. Dark Horse Comics decided to throw a party. Nearly everybody from Comics Greatest World was invited. Almost everybody.

SUBTITLE:

DARK HORSE COMICS HEADQUARTERS

MILWAUKEE, OREGON - THE YEAR 2023

BELLDANDY, URD, and SKULD are loitering about.

URD:

I cannot believe this shit! How could Dark Horse Comics and Mike Richardson forget about us! Especially when our Oh My Goddess Omnibus Seven is due to arrive in Book Stores within the next few months!

BELLDANDY:

Now now, our invitations must have gotten lost in the mail, or maybe they were misplaced.

SKULD:

Oh yeah, well if that's the case, then how come our names weren't on the list when we checked at the front door? Those assholes think we're just a bunch of drunken cosplayers trying to sneak in. I can't believe we flew all this way out into the middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere Oregon just to be treated like this!

URD:

Now don't panic. Don't panic. It's just the most important night of our lives right now, and our last chance to make some connections in the Hollywood Film Industry. There's got to be a way in somehow.

BELLDANDY:

Have we tried performing Oral Sex on the Doorman?

URD:

Hell yes we've tried performing Oral Sex on the Doorman! The Doorman ain't having it! He called me a drunken cougar! Fuck fuck fuck! We've got to get into that Party somehow!

SKULD:

It looks like the fucking Weasels have finally taken over Toad Hall after all. And they're sending all three of us merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily on our way

to nowhere in particular. We're merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily on our way where the roads are perpendicular.

DAVID HARBOUR appears in his HELLBOY REBOOT COSPLAY.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Perhaps I could be of assistance?

URD:

Oh My Goddess. Are you Ron Perlman?

DAVID HARBOUR:

No you're thinking of the other guy.

BELLDANDY:

Hellboy Creator Mike Mignola?

DAVID HARBOUR:

No no no, I'm the OTHER GUY that plays Hellboy! Surprise Goddesses! I'm your one and only!

SKULD:

Now I remember. You're the Drunken Asatru Warrior guy who dresses up like Santa Claus and beats the shit out of everyone with a Sledgehammer.

DAVID HARBOUR:

You're getting warmer.

BELLDANDY:

Are you supposed to be our brother Thor The God of Thunder?

DAVID HARBOUR:

No, that's Chris Hemsworth.

URD:

Are we related to Chris Hemsworth or Tom Hiddleston? I can't keep my Norse Mythology straight anymore.

SKULD:

Why do you wear red in all of your movies? First you were that fucking Russian Captain America in a Red Suit. Then you fucking played Reboot Hellboy in the Biggest Box Office Flop of the Year. Then you played Jolly Saint Nick versus John Leguizamo the Devil Clown from Spawn. It's almost as if you want everybody to believe you're Satan just like actor John Candy.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Okay, that wasn't in the general plan. I'm perfectly happy just being your friendly neighborhood Hellboy. How about a hug here Little Goddess Child, can we bring it in?

SKULD:

I don't know. You just released an entire movie about some douchebag who learned how to drive race cars from playing Gran Turismo. If that really did happen in real life, I find myself questioning how that driver pulled it off without being killed. If he had been under my radar, that driver would have been a dead man.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Didn't you see the actual movie? If the Three Fates were out to get Jann Mardenborough, it certainly wasn't for lack of trying.

SKULD:

Fuck man, I must be slipping on the job again. What a day to be a kid.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Come on everybody. Did you want to get into the Dark Horse Comics Party or not? I've got the connections here. I'm your in.

URD:

Are you really on the list to get in after your reboot just flopped at the box office? Normally when that happens, Dark Horse Comics treats you like Bam! a Rat out of an Aquaduct!

DAVID HARBOUR:

Why wouldn't I be on the list? I just played Hellboy, remember? I mean, if Ron Perlman and Selma Blair can still get an invite, surely they must remember me? Am I right? Am I right?

BELLDANDY:

You poor sad delusional little man. Your faith in the Hollywood System is about to be shattered worse than a little girl finding out that Santa Claus isn't real for the very first time. Oh the Irony here is so tragic. So tragic indeed.

DAVID HARBOUR:

I don't understand what you mean. If Ron Perlman is in there, well, that should make us at least distant relatives, like Demonic Cousins so to speak. Am I right? Am I right?

CUT TO:

INT. DARK HORSE COMICS BUILDING ENTRANCE - NIGHT

DOORMAN:

David Harbour. I'm Sorry dude. But you're not on the list.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Excuse me? But I just starred in a $50 Million Budget Theatrical Release Movie for Dark Horse Comics in 2019. Even if it only raked in $12 Million on opening weekend, it still made about $55 Million of it's Budget Money back Worldwide. Now that's not a flop.

URD:

Yes David. In the film industry, just barely making your money back is call a flop. And that $5 Million Profit you speak of doesn't even begin to cover how much Dark Horse Comics spent on their Advertising Campaign. Welcome to the real world David Harbour, where there is no Santa Claus, and Ron Perlman reigns supreme.

BELLDANDY:

But look on the bright side David. At least you've still got Gran Turismo to inspire Young Adult Video Gamers to reach for their dreams.

SKULD:

So that's why Hekate manipulated the creation of that movie. It's like she's the Pied Piper and she's leading all of those Teenage Gran Turismo Gamers to their deaths like flies to a Bug Zapper. That's pretty fucking brilliant I've got to tell you. I can't wait.

DAVID HARBOUR:

I'm sorry, have you been harbouring some secret thoughts of mass murder on the Race Track?

SKULD:

Oh it's no secret David. It's no secret at all. I can hardly wait to see the fireworks go down.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Well if these Pigfuckers from Dark Horse Comics don't want to let us into their party, I say we go out and form our own party at that Karaoke Bar Down the Street.

CUT TO:

INT. KARAOKE BAR - NIGHT

DAVID HARBOUR'S HELLBOY is singing Karaoke for Walk the Moon's "Shut Up and Dance With Me" while the opening credits roll.

DAVID HARBOUR:

(singing)

Oh don't you dare look back

Just keep your eyes on me

I said you're holding back

She said shut up and dance with me

This woman is my destiny

She said oh oh oh

Shut up and dance with me

---

We were victims of the night

The chemical, physical, kryptonite

Helpless to the bass and the fading light

Oh we were bound to get together

Bound to get together

---

She took my arm

I don't know how it happened

We took the floor and she said

---

Oh don't you dare look back

Just keep your eyes on me

I said you're holding back

She said shut up and dance with me

This woman is my destiny

She said oh oh oh

Shut up and dance with me

CUT TO:

EXT. DARK HORSE COMICS BACK ALLEY - NIGHT

BELLDANDY, URD, SKULD, and DAVID HARBOUR.

DAVID HARBOUR:

If you three ladies will excuse me, I'm going to have to take a Hellboy Sized Piss on Mike Richardson's Building right now. Who knows, maybe it'll turn the place into Toxic Waste.

SKULD:

Sisters Three, aghast, lookie yonder over there. It's a back door. All we have to do is find a Mirror, Belldandy can teleport into the bathroom, find the back door, and open it for us. You think you can do it Belldandy?

BELLDANDY:

That's not very Goddess like to sneak into a place where we are clearly not wanted.

URD:

Just think of all the tasty delicious BLOWJOBS you could be passing out once you get us inside. I can think of a lot of Hollywood Producers right now who are waiting to receive Good Fortune.

BELLDANDY:

Those are the Magick Words.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK HORSE COMICS PARTY - NIGHT

X meets Pamela Anderson's BARB WIRE

BARB WIRE:

Now X, would you like to do the honors and cut the cake for us?

X:

One Slice of Cake is the Warning. A Second Slice of Cake completes the X. A Complete X means Death.

BARB WIRE:

Just cut the fucking cake please.

X:

Is this cake Glutein Free? My mother has a Glutein Intolerance.

BARB WIRE:

Do you have a Glutein Intolerance?

X:

I said MY MOTHER HAS A GLUTEIN INTOLERANCE! DAMN YOU FILTHY BABE!

BARB WIRE:

Please... don't call me Babe.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK HORSE COMICS PARTY - NIGHT

HERO ZERO meets URD.

URD:

Well well well, if it isn't Iron Man himself, Tony Stark. What are you doing at a Dark Horse Comics Party?

HERO ZERO:

For the last time people, I AM NOT TONY STARK! Why does everybody I meet believe I'm Tony Stark?

URD:

Well Gee Willickers, there's no need to get upset here. I was beginning to think Blue was a new look for you.

HERO ZERO:

I've always been blue.

URD:

Okay then, if you're not Tony Stark... then who are you?

HERO ZERO:

I am, as I've always been, Hero Zero.

URD:

So you're basically Dark Horse Comics answer to Iron Man.

HERO ZERO:

No. I can grow from Zero to Fifty Feet Tall within a matter of seconds.

URD:

You mean like Paul Rudd's Ant Man?

HERO ZERO:

Yes, exactly like Paul Rudd's Ant Man. No. Wait. I didn't say that.

URD:

So Riddle Me This Covfefe. Why do you think that Dark Horse Comics never made a movie about you? Now you've got fifty seconds on the clock here.

HERO ZERO:

Ahem... copyright issues.

URD:

Repeat that again.

HERO ZERO:

I said... copyright issues.

URD:

So you admit it! You're just a cover band for Iron Man and Ant Man aren't you? There's a reason why we've never seen you at the Comic Con and Anime Conventions.

HERO ZERO:

Don't be so quick to laugh. I'll have you know that I beat Godzilla hands down in a grudge match. Let's see Tony Stark beat that.

URD:

Sounds like yesterday's news. Who else have you gone up against?

HERO ZERO:

You got me. I retired after Godzilla.

URD:

Why would you retire when you were at your peak?

HERO ZERO:

Godzilla killed my father and it was all my fault.

URD:

Normally in the comic books, that would have been your origin story to start off a person's quest, not to end it.

HERO ZERO:

Once again, it was the copyright issues that killed me. Not Godzilla.

URD:

All righty then. Hero Zero. Have you ever had sex with a Cougar before?

HERO ZERO:

I've never had sex at all.

URD:

Why does that not surprise me. I'm going to make this real easy for you. Now, when you grow from Zero to Fifty Feet within a matter of seconds, does every part of you grow?

HERO ZERO:

If you're referring to the size of my cock, I could smash you with that thing like the Incredible Hulk.

URD:

Oh you could, could you? Well, I've just so happened to have stolen the keys to Mike Richardson's office, and I bet he's got a casting couch that's mighty nice right now. So why don't you come along with Mama Urd, Hero Zero, and show this little cougar what makes you so feisty.

HERO ZERO:

On one condition... please don't tell me mother about this.

URD:

My word is my bond Hero Zero. My word is my bond.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK HORSE COMICS EMPTY ROOM - NIGHT

BELLDANDY and BIG HEAD LIVE ACTION are standing in front of a podium with the Real Mask from the Comic Books. BIG HEAD speaks in the aesthetic voice of an African American Actor.

BIG HEAD:

Belldandy, in my younger days, I used to be a hotwire off the hooks raging lunatic. And utter chaos was my drug that made me happy. Pulling guns and knives and what have you fuckin' crazy to the point that Jim Carrey even started acting like me after he made the movie. But as Jim Carrey quickly learned, when you spend your entire life and your entire career pretending to be someone else, sometimes you discover that you've never taken the time to be yourself. And that is exactly what happened to Jim Carrey. Tommy Lee Jones said it best on the set of Batman Forever, "I cannot condone your buffoonery any longer." So now Jim Carrey has been secretly living off the grid, and everybody out there online is questioning, what the hell happened to him. But yours truly, I've known the truth about Jim Carrey the entire time. Because when you live your entire existence as an apparatus to someone's face, that lack of control that you feel gives you the power and the influence to take over the wheel. To take advantage of all the things that these people who wear the mask failed to take advantage of in life. That is why people declare that wearing my face allows them to indulge in their most secret dark and dirty desires. Because the anonymity allows them to get away with whatever the fuck they want. But a life of chaos, it's reached the end of the road for me. All of those graphic novels, be they ever so graphic in blood, but never enough money to go around. And two movies and an animated children's series that failed to capture the violent magick that we already had to begin with. It's almost as if Dark Horse Comics were using the PG-13 rating of the Jim Carrey movie as a Wedge to lure in underage children into buying their Bloody Murder Comics, and it failed. And then one day, gone, vanished, without a trace, I'm still here, but nobody is listening. What identity do I have let without my own true voice? You dig? But since then, John Arcudi and Mike Richardson have introduced me to a wonderful new medication called Olanzapine and all of the Cheech and Chong's Cruise Chews that I can eat. And it's mellowed me the fuck out man. Let your imagination be your guide. I'm telling you.

BELLDANDY:

Big Head, I've got a question to ask you. When you have sex with women, which makes you cum harder? Having actual penetrative sex with women, or allowing a woman to wear your mask while engaging in mutual masturbation with sex toys?

BIG HEAD:

Oh My Goddess... I've never thought of that before.

BELLDANDY:

I have. I think about it every night when I read one of your comics and touch myself... in the naughty parts. Would you like to taste my Clit Ring up close and personal?

BIG HEAD:

Well hey, look at the time. We really need to be getting back to the party.

BELLDANDY:

But I'm Belldandy! Everybody Loves the Goddess Belldandy!

BIG HEAD:

Sure they do! Everybody fucking loves Belldandy! Thirty Years Ago! One look at your unhinged sexual behavior and suddenly I'm starting to see what everybody thinks about me! Goodbye!

BELLDANDY:

Wait! Come back! Why does every Hollywood Producer I try to fuck leave me?!

BIG HEAD:

I don't have Hollywood Producer Connections anymore! Honestly! You cannot fuck your way up the ladder by having sex with me! You cannot even fuck your way to the middle anymore! My last movie Son of the Mask was a Box Office and Critical Flop! Just ask Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming, and Bob Hoskins! I'm a fucking has been from the Middle 1990s! Seriously, nobody cares about me anymore and it's all Chuck Russell's fault for portraying me as something that I'm not! And we all jumped on the Hollywood Bandwagon when he went out and did it! We never should have listened to those Hollywood Producers! What the fuck do they know about adapting Graphic Novels into movies anyways! There's a reason why Jim Carrey didn't want to make that sequel when he had the chance! Help! Help! I'm being chased down by a Cougar! Help Me Lordy Help Me! Somebody get Ralph Bakshi on the phone and get me out of this crazy thing!

BIG HEAD leaves the room. Then BELLDANDY takes a look at the Mask Replica sitting on the Podium.

BELLDANDY:

(to herself)

Well what do you know. John Arcudi's got two of them on display. You think anybody will notice if one of them goes missing?

CUT TO:

INT. DARK HORSE COMICS BUILDING - NIGHT

RON PERLMAN'S HELLBOY and SELMA BLAIR and BRUCE CAMPBELL meet DAVID HARBOUR'S HELLBOY.

RON PERLMAN:

Well well well... looky what we have here Selma. It seems like tonight was destined for Hellboy Number One, be that me as it may, hereby come to terms and squalor with Hellboy Number Two, that be it you Mister David Hellboy Harbour. So tell me David, are really on the guest list right now? Never mind. Walk with me David, walk with me here. If you're smart enough to evade the Doorman that's good enough for me.

DAVID HARBOUR:

No, I think I'm happy standing my ground right here where I am thank you very much.

RON PERLMAN:

Are you standing your ground against me David? Are you really? You know this whole Dark Horse Comics Reboot thing is just a flash in the pan right? If they can bring back Michael Keaton as Batman decades later, if they can still cast Sean Connery as James Bond after Roger Moore, well.. the fanbase has spoken David. They want the original cast back. So tell me David... in your eyes, who is the underdog here right now? Is it Actor Number One, the Original Cast who was replaced by the Reboot, be that you. Or is it Actor Number Two, the Reboot who flopped at the Box Office, and now stands to be replaced by Actor Number One? Quite a pickle we have here David. Quite a pickle indeed.

SELMA BLAIR:

Boys boys boys... there's no need to stand off here. After all, it would seem that we all have David Harbour at a disadvantage here. Being Dark Horse Comics royalty and all?

DAVID HARBOUR:

Oh, so YOU have ME at a Disadvantage? Don't make me laugh. I could Wreck It Ralph your sorry asses at the Box Office any day of the week.

SELMA BLAIR:

And whose crew are you running with right now David? The In-Crowd, be that we, or the Out-Crowd be that you? We've got a Bruce Campbell in our crew. Isn't that right Bruce?

BRUCE CAMPBELL:

There's a reason why I make everybody I touch look cool. It's because I alone was destined for Greatness from the day I was born. That's why you continue to see me hosting Last Fan Standing and co-starring in Horror Movies with Devon Sawa from Final Destination. That Horror Veteran has come a long long way since mimicking my Evil Dead 2 performance in Idle Hands I can tell you that.

RON PERLMAN:

Bruce Campbell makes everything look cool.

SELMA BLAIR:

If Bruce Campbell was a Smore, those Pop Tart Toasters would be selling out like Hot Cakes right now I can tell you that.

BRUCE CAMPBELL:

Ouch, honey, don't make me laugh. I might giggle myself silly.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Oh yeah. Well our director Kevin Neece just made an NC-17 Sequel to John Waters A Dirty Shame... and Selma Blair wasn't in it!

SELMA BLAIR:

Blasphemy! I have written contractual obligations to that NC-17 John Waters Universe! Nobody can make a sequel without Ursula Udders! Nobody! Did Fat Fuck Frank put you up to this? Is that what this is? Is Fat Fuck Frank here at this party? What the fuck did you do with our Ray Ray?

DAVID HARBOUR:

Kevin Neece promoted Ray Ray to the Head CEO of Twitter and Only Fans to satirically comment on how Elon Musk was secretly running things like a Porn Website. Just face the music Selma Blair... it's back to Legally Blonde sequels for you.

SELMA BLAIR:

There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do, nothing you can make that will ever match the insane genius of Director Guillermo Del Toro. Because Genius and Insanity Go Hand in Hand.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Well I can destroy your precious Guillermo Del Toro in one swift sentence. Your director is nothing without his Doug Jones by his side. Nothing at all. Just a puff of magick dust separating into the winds of eternity. Huzzah!

RON PERLMAN:

Blasphemy! Cold Hearted Intolerable Blasphemy! Who has been telling you all of this David! Tell us who gave you the secret right now! I want both of his balls delivered to me on a silver platter!

SELMA BLAIR:

Oh My Goddess, the secret is loose. Why do our Producers and Agents even bother holding these fucking actors under contractual silence when they refuse to abide by the rules of their contracts! Guillermo Del Toro is a Demi-God David Harbour! 

RON PERLMAN:

Did you just hear that David Harbour? Guillermo Del Toro is a Demi-God! Because his mother was fucked by the Ethereal Touch of Greatness, and from that greatness Guillermo Del Toro was born!

SELMA BLAIR:

Guillermo Del Toro is like a Cute and Cuddly Little Ewok.

RON PERLMAN:

An Ewok! Because Big Dreams come in Small Furry Packages!

SELMA BLAIR:

Guillermo Del Toro is like a Cute and Cuddly Little Mogwai. All you have to do is give him a bath and feed him after midnight and your Darkest Nightmares come spewing out of his imagination onto your Television Screens. Once Guillermo Del Toro goes into one of his Hollywood Creative Cocoons, his imagination becomes an Unstoppable Force of Nature. Isn't that right Guillermo?

GUILLERMO DEL TORO:

More Chicken Wings!

SELMA BLAIR:

I'm sorry?

GUILLERMO DEL TORO:

MORE CHICKEN WINGS!

RON PERLMAN:

YOU HEARD THE MAN! SOMEBODY GET THIS CREATIVE GENIUS SOME MORE CHICKEN WINGS ASAP! HE COULD BE ON THE VERGE OF INSPIRATIONAL GREATNESS AS WE SPEAK! WE COULD BE HOLDING THE FUTURE OF HOLLYWOOD CINEMA IN OUR HANDS RIGHT NOW! MORE CHICKEN WINGS!

GUILLERMO DEL TORO:

MORE CHICKEN WINGS!

SELMA BLAIR:

MORE CHICKEN WINGS!

BRUCE CAMPBELL:

It's time for you to face the sad truth David Harbour. That box office defeat you suffered for the Hellboy Reboot, that wasn't anywhere near working your way through the B-Movie industry now was it? To be a True B-Movie star, you have to fail your way up the mountain like we did. Hit him Ron Perlman and show this guy what a classy broad looks like. 

RON PERLMAN:

You think that Hellboy was my first run in with the Demon Realm? Guess again. Long before you were playing side roles in Brokeback Mountain and War of the Worlds, I was playing Satan on Animaniacs and introducing The Devil to Children Nationwide. Years before you were playing Robert Kinsey, I was speaking French in a Cult Classic titled The City of Lost Children. And let me tell you right now, I don't speak french very well at all. My french is fucking terrible. How terrible? Most of the American Audiences didn't even notice it because they don't have a good ear for the French Language. That's how fucking cool I am. They gave me the lead role anyways. And the same director cast me again in Alien Resurrection with Wynona Ryder from Beetlejuice with The Devil Jeffrey Jones from Stay Tuned and The Devil's Advocate.

BRUCE CAMPBELL:

It's a well known B-Movie secret. If you want to go on a paid vacation to France, just audition to play an American in a French Movie and they'll pay your hotel bills for you. Just like when I made The Ice Rink. Why did I make that movie when I don't speak a word of french? Because that's how fucking cool I am. So shove that pill up your imagination Gran Turismo.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Well I... I... I...

RON PERLMAN:

Go On David. You're in Friendly Company right now. You can say it.

DAVID HARBOUR:

I had a role in Suicide Squad... and it wasn't the one that was directed by James Gunn. And the Lead Villain Actress in the movie Cara Delevingne followed it up with the Sci Fi Box Office Flop Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.

SELMA BLAIR:

Gasp... Shocking... I'm shocked David... I truly am.

BRUCE CAMPBELL:

Well I still make movies with... Joshua... Matthew... Becker.

RON PERLMAN:

Son of a bitch... Bruce Campbell just brought down the house on all of us.

BRUCE CAMPBELL:

You remember that movie featured in My Name is Bruce called Cave Alien? I lived that movie in real life. It was called Alien Apocalypse. We shot it in Bulgaria alongside The Man with the Screaming Brain to save money on our Limited Budgets. And then we unleashed them onto the Unsuspecting General Public via the Sci Fi Channel. Josh Becker even went back to shoot a follow up called Harpies, an Army of Darkness rip off so bad that Stan Lee sued the film producers to take his name off of it. So wrap that around your imagination and smoke it.

DAVID HARBOUR:

I hereby bend the knee and bow before the master. Bruce Campbell has officially won the match.

BRUCE CAMPBELL:

That's because I make everyone around me look cool. There's a reason why everyone is afraid to work with Josh Becker. He knows everything about Movies and the History of Hollywood. And I mean Everything. Josh Becker could tear apart your soul and blow your dust to the wind with merely the power of his mind.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! My Ass! My Ass! Why do I keep feeling this pain deep in My Ass?

RON PERLMAN:

It's because you've been fucked by Greatness David Harbour! It's because you've been fucked by Greatness!

CUT TO:

INT. DARK HORSE COMICS PARTY - NIGHT

SKULD is standing around.

SKULD:

David Harbour? What in Goddess name just happened to you?

DAVID HARBOUR:

I've been fucked by Greatness Skuld. I've been fucked by Greatness. I don't suppose you have a nice soft pillow and a bag of ice I could sit on do you?

SKULD:

Wait... don't tell me. You met Bruce Campbell didn't you?

DAVID HARBOUR:

How did you know?

SKULD:

Because if you look up Greatness in the English Dictionary, it's filed under Bruce Campbell's name.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK HORSE COMICS BUILDING - MAIN STAGE

MIKE RICHARDSON and LUKE WILSON are gathering everybody's attention. The Military Theme from Patton starts playing.

MIKE RICHARDSON:

Everybody may I have your attention please! Gather around because it's Team Meeting time. Team Meeting for Mikey and Dark Horse. Welcome. Welcome my friends and all of my esteemed Colleagues. I've got to say, it has been a magical working environmental to be around all of you starting as far back as my early comics books shops in the 1980s known as Pegasus Books. What started as a mere comic book shop allowed me to gain the necessary capital needed to form Dark Horse Comics which today is known to be the Fourth Largest Comic Book Company in the United States of America, I thank you very much. When we first formed Dark Horse Comics back in 1986, we wanted our company to be a safe haven for comic book artists everywhere, a safe haven to share their IP and still maintain rights ownerships over their creative properties. We couldn't see the future, but deep down we knew that we had the power to manifest our destinies and the future of our entertainment sitting within our own hands. And that is what we would like to talk to you about today. The Future of Dark Horse Comics and our Film Industry connections with Embracer Group's acquisition of Dark Horse Media. I believe in the future of this company, but as you can tell from our past attempts to create Film Entertainment from our own IP collections, somehow we have always fallen short. Somehow we just never quite made it in the same fashion that Kevin Feige did with his handling of Marvel Comics Properties and the MCU Shared Film Universes. And that's okay. Because our films were working in the 1990s, and even as far back as the early 2000s, Marvel Films didn't quite have their act together either. Marvel has Blade, the first R Rated Comic Book film every made, and Blade II was directed by Guillermo Del Toro, of our very own Hellboy Cinematic Series. So it's never been below our company to outsource our directors when we see that someone else has a formula that's working. Or even The Mask. The entire reason that movie got made is because New Line Cinema had a hit franchise with the Nightmare on Elm Street series and Big Head was being pitched as the next Freddy Krueger. And unfortunately, that is where we went wrong. We allowed those Hollywood Filmmakers to mess with our heads with dreams of monetary profit and it caused us to self doubt ourselves resulting in the Film Materials that were NOTHING like the original comic books. And to this we call it: The Alternate Road Not Traveled? Ask yourselves, when Comics Greatest World was operating back from 1993 to 1996, why was Barb Wire the only hero made into a movie, and why was that movie itself based on the plot of Casablanca, and more importantly than that, how the hell did Barb Wire somehow foreshadow the rise of the Trump Administration and ICE Immigration decades later in 2017. That's uber creepy I've got to tell you. Yes, I can see the future, but in order to clear the way to that future, it is imperative that I step down from my duties as the CEO of Dark Horse Comics so that our very own version of Kevin Feige can rise and put his plans for our future into action. Now I know what you are all thinking. Some of you have been loyal and hardworking throughout the history of our company, and many of you may be wondering how will be the one to rise up within the ranks of our company. Well to that I say, if it's not broke, don't fix it. All of you can continue to stay exactly where you are because right now, our man for the future of Dark Horse Comics is this gentlemen you see standing here beside me. Allow me to introduce you all to the former CEO of Starbucks, and the NEW CEO of Dark Horse Comics and Dark Horse Media, Mister Shelli Taylor!

As it turns out, SHELLI TAYLOR is LUKE WILSON. Everyone is totally silent. The Graduation Theme starts playing.

LUKE WILSON:

Hello Dark Horse Comics. I am Shelli Taylor, former CEO from Starbucks, and I just want to tell you, don't be shy or afraid to refer to me by some of my other company nicknames, such as Satan from the Happiest Place on Earth, Nifhleim aka Viking Hell. It's a name that I wear with pride. And yes, I'm aware of the rumors that I used to be a woman, I assure you all that I do sport a penis, and very large one at that. NOW THEN, it's back to business with all of you, but before we return to our evening festivities, allow me to clue you in on our little military strategy plan to regain control over the Hollywood Film Industry. As many of you may have now just noticed, everybody here tonight is from our very own Comics Greatest World line up from 1993 to 1996, and you may be asking yourselves right now, why here, why now in 2023, why me? Because you all have been our future from the very beginning. You have been the imagination foundation of this company that brick by brick built us up, and while some of you may have felt that you've been hiding in storage all these years, we have come to realize that you all have been our very own personal Fort Knox in the making. You are where the company gold mine has been hiding all along. I can already tell what you are thinking. "Dark Horse Comics is planning to rip off Kevin Feige's idea to make Comics Greatest World into a Shared Universe Film Series". That is true, but there is more to it than that. Much more. DC Comics has already tried that route over and over again and it's as if they have been failing up the ladder. So what did DC Comics do? They went out and did the same thing that we will, in a sense. They saw that James Gunn was their money maker at Marvel Films with Guardians of the Galaxy, so DC Comics hired him for Suicide Squad and now he's leading their company to Victory to take them out of the pits. I'll tell you what's wrong with the Comic Book movie formula. It's because the formula has changed. Dark Horse Comics is still doing what Marvel Films did back in the 1990s. Let's release a Theatrical Film, hope it makes Millions of Dollars, and then that will be our tent pole funds for our Comics Greatest World Shared Universe Circus. No No No. No we won't. Not this time. Because I'm firing on all four cylinders and we are going to outwit these Goons three moves ahead of the Chessboard. The problem with Movie Theaters is that every movie theater in America are so desperate to make money and draw back in their audiences that they release $20 a month plans such as Regal Unlimited, and I've got one of those plans myself, I go to the theaters once a day everyday even when I've seen the movies multiple times so I can get a feel for the audience. And what I'm seeing out there is a Ghost Town. One night a week those theaters get filled. And then it's back to the Streaming Channels. But that's what's so great about Streaming Nowadays, you can produce Hollywood Big Budget materials on the edge of an NC-17 Rating like Game of Thrones, and just get it out there. I'll tell you where our secret formula lies over yonder. It's hidden within the Television Formula of Robert Zemeckis Tales from the Crypt. Each episode of that series was made by a Guest Director, or Hollywood Actors because we all know that it's every actor's dream to direct someday. And that's how we are going to lure them in. And each episode of the Crypt was adapted directly from the EC Comic Books series themselves. And that is exactly what we are going to do. Dark Horse Comics was founded upon the vision of putting our trust and faiths into the Authors of our IP. And I've been reading Comics Greatest World all night before I came here and I can see the Vision. I can see the light. We are going to start out producing a Game of Thrones theatrical version of Comics Greatest World Omnibus Book One to introduce all of the Characters such as X and Barb Wire and Ghost and Motorhead and Golden City to Streaming Channels everywhere, as if they were watching Hollwood Budget Movies at Home. And then we are going to branch out and adapt each of their respective comic series verbatim one issue to one episode at a time, because we really have nothing better to do with our time honestly. And then we are going to kick Disney in their sorry little asses by releasing all of these series into Physical Media Format at Target and Walmart, and we're going to send complimentary copies of our shows to all of the Surviving Physical Media Archive Video Stores in America. Now is that a plan you can get behind everybody. Is that not the Dark Horse Comics Dream? Cause I've dreamed a dream of life gone by. I've dreamed a dream of life worth living. You get the idea. Well... anybody?

SCOTT ALLIE:

And what about Cats?

LUKE WILSON:

I'm sorry, did you just say you want us to make a Dark Horse Comics Streaming Channel... for Cats?

SCOTT ALLIE:

Everybody loves Pussy Cats! You could call it: Dark Horse Comics: A Bountiful Pussy Buffet. Or Dark Horse Comics: All the Pussy You Can Eat! Just think of all the possibilities and let your imagination be your guide! Isn't that crazy awesome?

LUKE WILSON:

No. No. That is NOT crazy awesome. In fact, I'm starting to notice a Ring of Professional Courtesy Sexism going on here. Don't you realize that following your perverted dreams is going to put all of us in front of a Woke Culture Firing Squad?

SCOTT ALLIE:

But it's All the Pussy You Can Eat... from Dark Horse Comics!

MIKE MIGNOLA:

GODDAMMIT SCOTT ALLIE! WHO THE FUCK KEEPS INVITING YOU TO THESE PARTIES! SOMEBODY GET THIS PERVERTED ASSHOLE AND THROW HIM OUT OF THE BUILDING!

SCOTT ALLIE:

Well... you're no fun anymore. I'm out of here.

MIKE RICHARDSON:

All right everybody. That's all we've had to say for tonight. Thank you for coming. Enjoy the Party. And never forget, that those who recklessly move forward with Balls more than Brains will always...

FADE OUT:

TOTAL BLACKNESS... BANG BANG...

FADE IN:

GHOST:

Oh My Goddess! Mike Richardson's been shot! Somebody shot Mike Richardson right in the Balls!

MIKE RICHARDSON:

No no, I'm fine, really I am. I'll pull through. I got the chop several years ago so I could have free unadulterated sex without the fear of unwanted pregnancies... wait... why the hell am I telling this to all of you?

SKULD:

I knew it! I knew it! Mike Richardson has no balls! I knew it all along!

FADE OUT:

TOTAL BLACKNESS... BANG BANG...

FADE IN:

MIKE RICHARDSON has a Big Bloody See Through Hole where his face used to be.

RON PERLMAN:

Okay everybody everybody listen to me and stay calm! We need somebody in the room to seal off all the doors and lock us in until the police can arrive to figure this out! Lock all the doors and nobody comes in or out! Do it now!

BARB WIRE:

I can't believe it. Somebody shot Mike Richardson! But why? All he's ever done is stick up for the little man! The outcasts! Why did it have to be him?

LUKE WILSON:

Did anybody see what happened when the lights went out? Was anybody standing next to the assailant when the gunshots went out.

SKULD:

I was standing next to the assailant when the gun went off.

RON PERLMAN:

But you were standing next to... David Harbour! Has anybody seen David Harbour!

DAVID HARBOUR:

I'm right here.

RON PERLMAN:

Get his gun now.

DAVID HARBOUR:

It's just a prop gun. You don't really believe I would bring a fucking loaded gun to a party...

SKULD:

But it couldn't have been David Harbour. He was standing to my right when the gunshots went off, and I could just swear the gunshots went off to my left.

BRUCE CAMPBELL:

Wait, is that your left or my left.

SKULD:

My left silly!

BRUCE CAMPBELL:

So then the Gunshots came from the right.

RON PERLMAN:

Your right or My Right.

LUKE WILSON:

Okay everybody settle down. Until we can figure this out, somebody take David Harbour to Mike Richardson's office and put him under lockdown until the police arrive.

URD:

There's just one problem. All of the phone lines in the building are down. Somebody in the building has instituted a Cell Phone Blocker. None of the calls are going in or out meaning that the police aren't coming at all.

DAVID HARBOUR:

Skuld! The gun wasn't loaded! Honestly! I'm being set up!

SKULD:

But I already know who the killer is! I'm Goddess of Death remember! I can see into the future! At least, I used to be able see into the future, I'm a little drunk right now. Did somebody spike the Punch Bowl.

URD:

Oh... fuck me life. This is bad.

RON PERLMAN:

Why do you think you know who the killer is?

SKULD:

The Killer was wearing Big Head's Mask, I swear he was. And that's the problem. Big Head never removed his mask in my presence later on down the line. It's entirely possible that the Killer is going to get away with this crime. And because Big Head can be worn by anybody, that means that Big Head can literally be anybody and change his physical appearance to mimic anybody in the room. Big Head could be any one of us right now.

JIM CARREY'S THE MASK:

But I'm Big Head.

SKULD:

Not you! The REAL Big Head from the Graphic Novels. Mike Richardson and John Arcudi based The Mask on a real life Ancient Artifact that was stolen from a Museum!

Suddenly LAW from AGENTS OF LAW appears on a Television Monitor Screen.

LAW:

Hello Dark Horse Comics. I'm sorry to crash the party, but it sounds like all of you are about to be left wandering around in the dark. So allow me to give you all a hint. Ten Little Indians Went Out to Dine. One got Shot in the Face, and then there were Nine. Nine Little Indians left to go. Which one is next, let's not spoil the Show. At the present moment, it is 3:00am meaning that Daylight hits within Three Hours time. That gives all of you Three Hours to find The Mask, that is, before Big Head finds one of your first. According to the rules of the game, there are nine victims left on tonight's list and they could be absolutely anybody. If you fail to discover the identity of the Killer before Sunrise... Dark Horse Comics is going to be burned to the ground with all of you still left in it. Except for maybe Ghost, I hear she can walk through walls. Too bad the rest of you won't be joining her. Remember Junior Detective Skuld, this test I now place on your shoulders. Can the Goddess of Death and Dark Horse's Greatest Detective Hellboy solve the Mystery before sunrise. The Suspense is killing me I hope it will last.

CUT TO:

EXT. DARK HORSE COMICS BUILDING - NIGHT

FADE OUT: