AH MY GODDESS: WHO SHOT MIKE RICHARDSON?
Treatment Written by Kevin Neece
Belldandy Urd and Skuld crash the Dark Horse Comics Reunion Party only to discover that everyone is snubbing them behind their backs because they've been out of print for so long, and the future omnibus release is not looking good. Skuld finds herself befriending David Harbour's Hellboy from the latest Hellboy remake who is also being treated like an outcast because Ron Perlman's Hellboy and Selma Blair are the life of the party. Suddenly Law from Agents of Law shows up on the Television Monitors and locks everybody in the Dark Horse Comics HQ Building like The Belko Experiment, the lights go out, a Gunshot goes off, and when the lights come back on, Mike Richardson is suspiciously still alive... its because the assailant SHOT HIM RIGHT IN THE TESTICLES. But the joke is on all of them because Mike Richardson never had a set of balls to begin with. So then the lights go out again, a Second Gunshot goes off, then the lights come back on and Mike Richardson has been shot in the face and falls to the floor.
As Law is only featured on the Television Monitors, that means somebody else in the room did the dirty deed. Ron Perlman's Hellboy digs out the bullet and surmises that it came from David Harbour's gun, and immediately puts the Remake Hellboy under house arrest with Skuld being the only one who believes in David Harbour's innocence. David Harbour has clearly been framed. Law's challenge to the Comic Book Characters of Dark Horse Comics is they have only a few hours to Solve the Mystery and find their way out of the building, or else Dark Horse Comics is going to be BURNED TO THE GROUND like Shinji Aoba's attack on Kyoto Animation. Can Junior Detective Skuld and David Harbour's Hellboy solve the case before Dark Horse Comics is burned to the ground? At the end of the movie, when the real killer is unmasked, Belldandy is pinpointed as the killer by Skuld like an episode of Scooby Doo, and then she is revealed to be Big Head from The Mask wearing Belldandy's Face as a disguise. When Skuld takes off her Mask, the killer's true identity is revealed to be Scott Allie wearing a Belldandy Cosplay Dress.
FADE IN:
EXT. ALLEY WAY - NIGHT
DOCTOR WHAT NARRATOR:
Once upon a time in 2023. Dark Horse Comics decided to throw a party. Nearly everybody from Comics Greatest World was invited. Almost everybody.
SUBTITLE:
DARK HORSE COMICS HEADQUARTERS
MILWAUKEE, OREGON - THE YEAR 2023
BELLDANDY, URD, and SKULD are loitering about.
URD:
I cannot believe this shit! How could Dark Horse Comics and Mike Richardson forget about us! Especially when our Oh My Goddess Omnibus Seven is due to arrive in Book Stores within the next few months!
BELLDANDY:
Now now, our invitations must have gotten lost in the mail, or maybe they were misplaced.
SKULD:
Oh yeah, well if that's the case, then how come our names weren't on the list when we checked at the front door? Those assholes think we're just a bunch of drunken cosplayers trying to sneak in. I can't believe we flew all this way out into the middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere Oregon just to be treated like this!
URD:
Now don't panic. Don't panic. It's just the most important night of our lives right now, and our last chance to make some connections in the Hollywood Film Industry. There's got to be a way in somehow.
BELLDANDY:
Have we tried performing Oral Sex on the Doorman?
URD:
Hell yes we've tried performing Oral Sex on the Doorman! The Doorman ain't having it! He called me a drunken cougar! Fuck fuck fuck! We've got to get into that Party somehow!
SKULD:
It looks like the fucking Weasels have finally taken over Toad Hall after all. And they're sending all three of us merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily on our way
to nowhere in particular. We're merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily on our way where the roads are perpendicular.
DAVID HARBOUR appears in his HELLBOY REBOOT COSPLAY.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Perhaps I could be of assistance?
URD:
Oh My Goddess. Are you Ron Perlman?
DAVID HARBOUR:
No you're thinking of the other guy.
BELLDANDY:
Hellboy Creator Mike Mignola?
DAVID HARBOUR:
No no no, I'm the OTHER GUY that plays Hellboy! Surprise Goddesses! I'm your one and only!
SKULD:
Now I remember. You're the Drunken Asatru Warrior guy who dresses up like Santa Claus and beats the shit out of everyone with a Sledgehammer.
DAVID HARBOUR:
You're getting warmer.
BELLDANDY:
Are you supposed to be our brother Thor The God of Thunder?
DAVID HARBOUR:
No, that's Chris Hemsworth.
URD:
Are we related to Chris Hemsworth or Tom Hiddleston? I can't keep my Norse Mythology straight anymore.
SKULD:
Why do you wear red in all of your movies? First you were that fucking Russian Captain America in a Red Suit. Then you fucking played Reboot Hellboy in the Biggest Box Office Flop of the Year. Then you played Jolly Saint Nick versus John Leguizamo the Devil Clown from Spawn. It's almost as if you want everybody to believe you're Satan just like actor John Candy.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Okay, that wasn't in the general plan. I'm perfectly happy just being your friendly neighborhood Hellboy. How about a hug here Little Goddess Child, can we bring it in?
SKULD:
I don't know. You just released an entire movie about some douchebag who learned how to drive race cars from playing Gran Turismo. If that really did happen in real life, I find myself questioning how that driver pulled it off without being killed. If he had been under my radar, that driver would have been a dead man.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Didn't you see the actual movie? If the Three Fates were out to get Jann Mardenborough, it certainly wasn't for lack of trying.
SKULD:
Fuck man, I must be slipping on the job again. What a day to be a kid.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Come on everybody. Did you want to get into the Dark Horse Comics Party or not? I've got the connections here. I'm your in.
URD:
Are you really on the list to get in after your reboot just flopped at the box office? Normally when that happens, Dark Horse Comics treats you like Bam! a Rat out of an Aquaduct!
DAVID HARBOUR:
Why wouldn't I be on the list? I just played Hellboy, remember? I mean, if Ron Perlman and Selma Blair can still get an invite, surely they must remember me? Am I right? Am I right?
BELLDANDY:
You poor sad delusional little man. Your faith in the Hollywood System is about to be shattered worse than a little girl finding out that Santa Claus isn't real for the very first time. Oh the Irony here is so tragic. So tragic indeed.
DAVID HARBOUR:
I don't understand what you mean. If Ron Perlman is in there, well, that should make us at least distant relatives, like Demonic Cousins so to speak. Am I right? Am I right?
CUT TO:
INT. DARK HORSE COMICS BUILDING ENTRANCE - NIGHT
DOORMAN:
David Harbour. I'm Sorry dude. But you're not on the list.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Excuse me? But I just starred in a $50 Million Budget Theatrical Release Movie for Dark Horse Comics in 2019. Even if it only raked in $12 Million on opening weekend, it still made about $55 Million of it's Budget Money back Worldwide. Now that's not a flop.
URD:
Yes David. In the film industry, just barely making your money back is call a flop. And that $5 Million Profit you speak of doesn't even begin to cover how much Dark Horse Comics spent on their Advertising Campaign. Welcome to the real world David Harbour, where there is no Santa Claus, and Ron Perlman reigns supreme.
BELLDANDY:
But look on the bright side David. At least you've still got Gran Turismo to inspire Young Adult Video Gamers to reach for their dreams.
SKULD:
So that's why Hekate manipulated the creation of that movie. It's like she's the Pied Piper and she's leading all of those Teenage Gran Turismo Gamers to their deaths like flies to a Bug Zapper. That's pretty fucking brilliant I've got to tell you. I can't wait.
DAVID HARBOUR:
I'm sorry, have you been harbouring some secret thoughts of mass murder on the Race Track?
SKULD:
Oh it's no secret David. It's no secret at all. I can hardly wait to see the fireworks go down.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Well if these Pigfuckers from Dark Horse Comics don't want to let us into their party, I say we go out and form our own party at that Karaoke Bar Down the Street.
CUT TO:
INT. KARAOKE BAR - NIGHT
DAVID HARBOUR'S HELLBOY is singing Karaoke for Walk the Moon's "Shut Up and Dance With Me" while the opening credits roll.
DAVID HARBOUR:
(singing)
Oh don't you dare look back
Just keep your eyes on me
I said you're holding back
She said shut up and dance with me
This woman is my destiny
She said oh oh oh
Shut up and dance with me
---
We were victims of the night
The chemical, physical, kryptonite
Helpless to the bass and the fading light
Oh we were bound to get together
Bound to get together
---
She took my arm
I don't know how it happened
We took the floor and she said
---
Oh don't you dare look back
Just keep your eyes on me
I said you're holding back
She said shut up and dance with me
This woman is my destiny
She said oh oh oh
Shut up and dance with me
CUT TO:
EXT. DARK HORSE COMICS BACK ALLEY - NIGHT
BELLDANDY, URD, SKULD, and DAVID HARBOUR.
DAVID HARBOUR:
If you three ladies will excuse me, I'm going to have to take a Hellboy Sized Piss on Mike Richardson's Building right now. Who knows, maybe it'll turn the place into Toxic Waste.
SKULD:
Sisters Three, aghast, lookie yonder over there. It's a back door. All we have to do is find a Mirror, Belldandy can teleport into the bathroom, find the back door, and open it for us. You think you can do it Belldandy?
BELLDANDY:
That's not very Goddess like to sneak into a place where we are clearly not wanted.
URD:
Just think of all the tasty delicious BLOWJOBS you could be passing out once you get us inside. I can think of a lot of Hollywood Producers right now who are waiting to receive Good Fortune.
BELLDANDY:
Those are the Magick Words.
CUT TO:
INT. DARK HORSE COMICS PARTY - NIGHT
X meets Pamela Anderson's BARB WIRE
BARB WIRE:
Now X, would you like to do the honors and cut the cake for us?
X:
One Slice of Cake is the Warning. A Second Slice of Cake completes the X. A Complete X means Death.
BARB WIRE:
Just cut the fucking cake please.
X:
Is this cake Glutein Free? My mother has a Glutein Intolerance.
BARB WIRE:
Do you have a Glutein Intolerance?
X:
I said MY MOTHER HAS A GLUTEIN INTOLERANCE! DAMN YOU FILTHY BABE!
BARB WIRE:
Please... don't call me Babe.
CUT TO:
INT. DARK HORSE COMICS PARTY - NIGHT
HERO ZERO meets URD.
URD:
Well well well, if it isn't Iron Man himself, Tony Stark. What are you doing at a Dark Horse Comics Party?
HERO ZERO:
For the last time people, I AM NOT TONY STARK! Why does everybody I meet believe I'm Tony Stark?
URD:
Well Gee Willickers, there's no need to get upset here. I was beginning to think Blue was a new look for you.
HERO ZERO:
I've always been blue.
URD:
Okay then, if you're not Tony Stark... then who are you?
HERO ZERO:
I am, as I've always been, Hero Zero.
URD:
So you're basically Dark Horse Comics answer to Iron Man.
HERO ZERO:
No. I can grow from Zero to Fifty Feet Tall within a matter of seconds.
URD:
You mean like Paul Rudd's Ant Man?
HERO ZERO:
Yes, exactly like Paul Rudd's Ant Man. No. Wait. I didn't say that.
URD:
So Riddle Me This Covfefe. Why do you think that Dark Horse Comics never made a movie about you? Now you've got fifty seconds on the clock here.
HERO ZERO:
Ahem... copyright issues.
URD:
Repeat that again.
HERO ZERO:
I said... copyright issues.
URD:
So you admit it! You're just a cover band for Iron Man and Ant Man aren't you? There's a reason why we've never seen you at the Comic Con and Anime Conventions.
HERO ZERO:
Don't be so quick to laugh. I'll have you know that I beat Godzilla hands down in a grudge match. Let's see Tony Stark beat that.
URD:
Sounds like yesterday's news. Who else have you gone up against?
HERO ZERO:
You got me. I retired after Godzilla.
URD:
Why would you retire when you were at your peak?
HERO ZERO:
Godzilla killed my father and it was all my fault.
URD:
Normally in the comic books, that would have been your origin story to start off a person's quest, not to end it.
HERO ZERO:
Once again, it was the copyright issues that killed me. Not Godzilla.
URD:
All righty then. Hero Zero. Have you ever had sex with a Cougar before?
HERO ZERO:
I've never had sex at all.
URD:
Why does that not surprise me. I'm going to make this real easy for you. Now, when you grow from Zero to Fifty Feet within a matter of seconds, does every part of you grow?
HERO ZERO:
If you're referring to the size of my cock, I could smash you with that thing like the Incredible Hulk.
URD:
Oh you could, could you? Well, I've just so happened to have stolen the keys to Mike Richardson's office, and I bet he's got a casting couch that's mighty nice right now. So why don't you come along with Mama Urd, Hero Zero, and show this little cougar what makes you so feisty.
HERO ZERO:
On one condition... please don't tell me mother about this.
URD:
My word is my bond Hero Zero. My word is my bond.
CUT TO:
INT. DARK HORSE COMICS EMPTY ROOM - NIGHT
BELLDANDY and BIG HEAD LIVE ACTION are standing in front of a podium with the Real Mask from the Comic Books. BIG HEAD speaks in the aesthetic voice of an African American Actor.
BIG HEAD:
Belldandy, in my younger days, I used to be a hotwire off the hooks raging lunatic. And utter chaos was my drug that made me happy. Pulling guns and knives and what have you fuckin' crazy to the point that Jim Carrey even started acting like me after he made the movie. But as Jim Carrey quickly learned, when you spend your entire life and your entire career pretending to be someone else, sometimes you discover that you've never taken the time to be yourself. And that is exactly what happened to Jim Carrey. Tommy Lee Jones said it best on the set of Batman Forever, "I cannot condone your buffoonery any longer." So now Jim Carrey has been secretly living off the grid, and everybody out there online is questioning, what the hell happened to him. But yours truly, I've known the truth about Jim Carrey the entire time. Because when you live your entire existence as an apparatus to someone's face, that lack of control that you feel gives you the power and the influence to take over the wheel. To take advantage of all the things that these people who wear the mask failed to take advantage of in life. That is why people declare that wearing my face allows them to indulge in their most secret dark and dirty desires. Because the anonymity allows them to get away with whatever the fuck they want. But a life of chaos, it's reached the end of the road for me. All of those graphic novels, be they ever so graphic in blood, but never enough money to go around. And two movies and an animated children's series that failed to capture the violent magick that we already had to begin with. It's almost as if Dark Horse Comics were using the PG-13 rating of the Jim Carrey movie as a Wedge to lure in underage children into buying their Bloody Murder Comics, and it failed. And then one day, gone, vanished, without a trace, I'm still here, but nobody is listening. What identity do I have let without my own true voice? You dig? But since then, John Arcudi and Mike Richardson have introduced me to a wonderful new medication called Olanzapine and all of the Cheech and Chong's Cruise Chews that I can eat. And it's mellowed me the fuck out man. Let your imagination be your guide. I'm telling you.
BELLDANDY:
Big Head, I've got a question to ask you. When you have sex with women, which makes you cum harder? Having actual penetrative sex with women, or allowing a woman to wear your mask while engaging in mutual masturbation with sex toys?
BIG HEAD:
Oh My Goddess... I've never thought of that before.
BELLDANDY:
I have. I think about it every night when I read one of your comics and touch myself... in the naughty parts. Would you like to taste my Clit Ring up close and personal?
BIG HEAD:
Well hey, look at the time. We really need to be getting back to the party.
BELLDANDY:
But I'm Belldandy! Everybody Loves the Goddess Belldandy!
BIG HEAD:
Sure they do! Everybody fucking loves Belldandy! Thirty Years Ago! One look at your unhinged sexual behavior and suddenly I'm starting to see what everybody thinks about me! Goodbye!
BELLDANDY:
Wait! Come back! Why does every Hollywood Producer I try to fuck leave me?!
BIG HEAD:
I don't have Hollywood Producer Connections anymore! Honestly! You cannot fuck your way up the ladder by having sex with me! You cannot even fuck your way to the middle anymore! My last movie Son of the Mask was a Box Office and Critical Flop! Just ask Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming, and Bob Hoskins! I'm a fucking has been from the Middle 1990s! Seriously, nobody cares about me anymore and it's all Chuck Russell's fault for portraying me as something that I'm not! And we all jumped on the Hollywood Bandwagon when he went out and did it! We never should have listened to those Hollywood Producers! What the fuck do they know about adapting Graphic Novels into movies anyways! There's a reason why Jim Carrey didn't want to make that sequel when he had the chance! Help! Help! I'm being chased down by a Cougar! Help Me Lordy Help Me! Somebody get Ralph Bakshi on the phone and get me out of this crazy thing!
BIG HEAD leaves the room. Then BELLDANDY takes a look at the Mask Replica sitting on the Podium.
BELLDANDY:
(to herself)
Well what do you know. John Arcudi's got two of them on display. You think anybody will notice if one of them goes missing?
CUT TO:
INT. DARK HORSE COMICS BUILDING - NIGHT
RON PERLMAN'S HELLBOY and SELMA BLAIR and BRUCE CAMPBELL meet DAVID HARBOUR'S HELLBOY.
RON PERLMAN:
Well well well... looky what we have here Selma. It seems like tonight was destined for Hellboy Number One, be that me as it may, hereby come to terms and squalor with Hellboy Number Two, that be it you Mister David Hellboy Harbour. So tell me David, are really on the guest list right now? Never mind. Walk with me David, walk with me here. If you're smart enough to evade the Doorman that's good enough for me.
DAVID HARBOUR:
No, I think I'm happy standing my ground right here where I am thank you very much.
RON PERLMAN:
Are you standing your ground against me David? Are you really? You know this whole Dark Horse Comics Reboot thing is just a flash in the pan right? If they can bring back Michael Keaton as Batman decades later, if they can still cast Sean Connery as James Bond after Roger Moore, well.. the fanbase has spoken David. They want the original cast back. So tell me David... in your eyes, who is the underdog here right now? Is it Actor Number One, the Original Cast who was replaced by the Reboot, be that you. Or is it Actor Number Two, the Reboot who flopped at the Box Office, and now stands to be replaced by Actor Number One? Quite a pickle we have here David. Quite a pickle indeed.
SELMA BLAIR:
Boys boys boys... there's no need to stand off here. After all, it would seem that we all have David Harbour at a disadvantage here. Being Dark Horse Comics royalty and all?
DAVID HARBOUR:
Oh, so YOU have ME at a Disadvantage? Don't make me laugh. I could Wreck It Ralph your sorry asses at the Box Office any day of the week.
SELMA BLAIR:
And whose crew are you running with right now David? The In-Crowd, be that we, or the Out-Crowd be that you? We've got a Bruce Campbell in our crew. Isn't that right Bruce?
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
There's a reason why I make everybody I touch look cool. It's because I alone was destined for Greatness from the day I was born. That's why you continue to see me hosting Last Fan Standing and co-starring in Horror Movies with Devon Sawa from Final Destination. That Horror Veteran has come a long long way since mimicking my Evil Dead 2 performance in Idle Hands I can tell you that.
RON PERLMAN:
Bruce Campbell makes everything look cool.
SELMA BLAIR:
If Bruce Campbell was a Smore, those Pop Tart Toasters would be selling out like Hot Cakes right now I can tell you that.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Ouch, honey, don't make me laugh. I might giggle myself silly.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Oh yeah. Well our director Kevin Neece just made an NC-17 Sequel to John Waters A Dirty Shame... and Selma Blair wasn't in it!
SELMA BLAIR:
Blasphemy! I have written contractual obligations to that NC-17 John Waters Universe! Nobody can make a sequel without Ursula Udders! Nobody! Did Fat Fuck Frank put you up to this? Is that what this is? Is Fat Fuck Frank here at this party? What the fuck did you do with our Ray Ray?
DAVID HARBOUR:
Kevin Neece promoted Ray Ray to the Head CEO of Twitter and Only Fans to satirically comment on how Elon Musk was secretly running things like a Porn Website. Just face the music Selma Blair... it's back to Legally Blonde sequels for you.
SELMA BLAIR:
There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do, nothing you can make that will ever match the insane genius of Director Guillermo Del Toro. Because Genius and Insanity Go Hand in Hand.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Well I can destroy your precious Guillermo Del Toro in one swift sentence. Your director is nothing without his Doug Jones by his side. Nothing at all. Just a puff of magick dust separating into the winds of eternity. Huzzah!
RON PERLMAN:
Blasphemy! Cold Hearted Intolerable Blasphemy! Who has been telling you all of this David! Tell us who gave you the secret right now! I want both of his balls delivered to me on a silver platter!
SELMA BLAIR:
Oh My Goddess, the secret is loose. Why do our Producers and Agents even bother holding these fucking actors under contractual silence when they refuse to abide by the rules of their contracts! Guillermo Del Toro is a Demi-God David Harbour!
RON PERLMAN:
Did you just hear that David Harbour? Guillermo Del Toro is a Demi-God! Because his mother was fucked by the Ethereal Touch of Greatness, and from that greatness Guillermo Del Toro was born!
SELMA BLAIR:
Guillermo Del Toro is like a Cute and Cuddly Little Ewok.
RON PERLMAN:
An Ewok! Because Big Dreams come in Small Furry Packages!
SELMA BLAIR:
Guillermo Del Toro is like a Cute and Cuddly Little Mogwai. All you have to do is give him a bath and feed him after midnight and your Darkest Nightmares come spewing out of his imagination onto your Television Screens. Once Guillermo Del Toro goes into one of his Hollywood Creative Cocoons, his imagination becomes an Unstoppable Force of Nature. Isn't that right Guillermo?
GUILLERMO DEL TORO:
More Chicken Wings!
SELMA BLAIR:
I'm sorry?
GUILLERMO DEL TORO:
MORE CHICKEN WINGS!
RON PERLMAN:
YOU HEARD THE MAN! SOMEBODY GET THIS CREATIVE GENIUS SOME MORE CHICKEN WINGS ASAP! HE COULD BE ON THE VERGE OF INSPIRATIONAL GREATNESS AS WE SPEAK! WE COULD BE HOLDING THE FUTURE OF HOLLYWOOD CINEMA IN OUR HANDS RIGHT NOW! MORE CHICKEN WINGS!
GUILLERMO DEL TORO:
MORE CHICKEN WINGS!
SELMA BLAIR:
MORE CHICKEN WINGS!
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
It's time for you to face the sad truth David Harbour. That box office defeat you suffered for the Hellboy Reboot, that wasn't anywhere near working your way through the B-Movie industry now was it? To be a True B-Movie star, you have to fail your way up the mountain like we did. Hit him Ron Perlman and show this guy what a classy broad looks like.
RON PERLMAN:
You think that Hellboy was my first run in with the Demon Realm? Guess again. Long before you were playing side roles in Brokeback Mountain and War of the Worlds, I was playing Satan on Animaniacs and introducing The Devil to Children Nationwide. Years before you were playing Robert Kinsey, I was speaking French in a Cult Classic titled The City of Lost Children. And let me tell you right now, I don't speak french very well at all. My french is fucking terrible. How terrible? Most of the American Audiences didn't even notice it because they don't have a good ear for the French Language. That's how fucking cool I am. They gave me the lead role anyways. And the same director cast me again in Alien Resurrection with Wynona Ryder from Beetlejuice with The Devil Jeffrey Jones from Stay Tuned and The Devil's Advocate.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
It's a well known B-Movie secret. If you want to go on a paid vacation to France, just audition to play an American in a French Movie and they'll pay your hotel bills for you. Just like when I made The Ice Rink. Why did I make that movie when I don't speak a word of french? Because that's how fucking cool I am. So shove that pill up your imagination Gran Turismo.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Well I... I... I...
RON PERLMAN:
Go On David. You're in Friendly Company right now. You can say it.
DAVID HARBOUR:
I had a role in Suicide Squad... and it wasn't the one that was directed by James Gunn. And the Lead Villain Actress in the movie Cara Delevingne followed it up with the Sci Fi Box Office Flop Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.
SELMA BLAIR:
Gasp... Shocking... I'm shocked David... I truly am.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Well I still make movies with... Joshua... Matthew... Becker.
RON PERLMAN:
Son of a bitch... Bruce Campbell just brought down the house on all of us.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
You remember that movie featured in My Name is Bruce called Cave Alien? I lived that movie in real life. It was called Alien Apocalypse. We shot it in Bulgaria alongside The Man with the Screaming Brain to save money on our Limited Budgets. And then we unleashed them onto the Unsuspecting General Public via the Sci Fi Channel. Josh Becker even went back to shoot a follow up called Harpies, an Army of Darkness rip off so bad that Stan Lee sued the film producers to take his name off of it. So wrap that around your imagination and smoke it.
DAVID HARBOUR:
I hereby bend the knee and bow before the master. Bruce Campbell has officially won the match.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
That's because I make everyone around me look cool. There's a reason why everyone is afraid to work with Josh Becker. He knows everything about Movies and the History of Hollywood. And I mean Everything. Josh Becker could tear apart your soul and blow your dust to the wind with merely the power of his mind.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! My Ass! My Ass! Why do I keep feeling this pain deep in My Ass?
RON PERLMAN:
It's because you've been fucked by Greatness David Harbour! It's because you've been fucked by Greatness!
CUT TO:
INT. DARK HORSE COMICS PARTY - NIGHT
SKULD is standing around.
SKULD:
David Harbour? What in Goddess name just happened to you?
DAVID HARBOUR:
I've been fucked by Greatness Skuld. I've been fucked by Greatness. I don't suppose you have a nice soft pillow and a bag of ice I could sit on do you?
SKULD:
Wait... don't tell me. You met Bruce Campbell didn't you?
DAVID HARBOUR:
How did you know?
SKULD:
Because if you look up Greatness in the English Dictionary, it's filed under Bruce Campbell's name.
CUT TO:
INT. DARK HORSE COMICS BUILDING - MAIN STAGE
MIKE RICHARDSON and LUKE WILSON are gathering everybody's attention. The Military Theme from Patton starts playing.
MIKE RICHARDSON:
Everybody may I have your attention please! Gather around because it's Team Meeting time. Team Meeting for Mikey and Dark Horse. Welcome. Welcome my friends and all of my esteemed Colleagues. I've got to say, it has been a magical working environmental to be around all of you starting as far back as my early comics books shops in the 1980s known as Pegasus Books. What started as a mere comic book shop allowed me to gain the necessary capital needed to form Dark Horse Comics which today is known to be the Fourth Largest Comic Book Company in the United States of America, I thank you very much. When we first formed Dark Horse Comics back in 1986, we wanted our company to be a safe haven for comic book artists everywhere, a safe haven to share their IP and still maintain rights ownerships over their creative properties. We couldn't see the future, but deep down we knew that we had the power to manifest our destinies and the future of our entertainment sitting within our own hands. And that is what we would like to talk to you about today. The Future of Dark Horse Comics and our Film Industry connections with Embracer Group's acquisition of Dark Horse Media. I believe in the future of this company, but as you can tell from our past attempts to create Film Entertainment from our own IP collections, somehow we have always fallen short. Somehow we just never quite made it in the same fashion that Kevin Feige did with his handling of Marvel Comics Properties and the MCU Shared Film Universes. And that's okay. Because our films were working in the 1990s, and even as far back as the early 2000s, Marvel Films didn't quite have their act together either. Marvel has Blade, the first R Rated Comic Book film every made, and Blade II was directed by Guillermo Del Toro, of our very own Hellboy Cinematic Series. So it's never been below our company to outsource our directors when we see that someone else has a formula that's working. Or even The Mask. The entire reason that movie got made is because New Line Cinema had a hit franchise with the Nightmare on Elm Street series and Big Head was being pitched as the next Freddy Krueger. And unfortunately, that is where we went wrong. We allowed those Hollywood Filmmakers to mess with our heads with dreams of monetary profit and it caused us to self doubt ourselves resulting in the Film Materials that were NOTHING like the original comic books. And to this we call it: The Alternate Road Not Traveled? Ask yourselves, when Comics Greatest World was operating back from 1993 to 1996, why was Barb Wire the only hero made into a movie, and why was that movie itself based on the plot of Casablanca, and more importantly than that, how the hell did Barb Wire somehow foreshadow the rise of the Trump Administration and ICE Immigration decades later in 2017. That's uber creepy I've got to tell you. Yes, I can see the future, but in order to clear the way to that future, it is imperative that I step down from my duties as the CEO of Dark Horse Comics so that our very own version of Kevin Feige can rise and put his plans for our future into action. Now I know what you are all thinking. Some of you have been loyal and hardworking throughout the history of our company, and many of you may be wondering how will be the one to rise up within the ranks of our company. Well to that I say, if it's not broke, don't fix it. All of you can continue to stay exactly where you are because right now, our man for the future of Dark Horse Comics is this gentlemen you see standing here beside me. Allow me to introduce you all to the former CEO of Starbucks, and the NEW CEO of Dark Horse Comics and Dark Horse Media, Mister Shelli Taylor!
As it turns out, SHELLI TAYLOR is LUKE WILSON. Everyone is totally silent. The Graduation Theme starts playing.
LUKE WILSON:
Hello Dark Horse Comics. I am Shelli Taylor, former CEO from Starbucks, and I just want to tell you, don't be shy or afraid to refer to me by some of my other company nicknames, such as Satan from the Happiest Place on Earth, Nifhleim aka Viking Hell. It's a name that I wear with pride. And yes, I'm aware of the rumors that I used to be a woman, I assure you all that I do sport a penis, and very large one at that. NOW THEN, it's back to business with all of you, but before we return to our evening festivities, allow me to clue you in on our little military strategy plan to regain control over the Hollywood Film Industry. As many of you may have now just noticed, everybody here tonight is from our very own Comics Greatest World line up from 1993 to 1996, and you may be asking yourselves right now, why here, why now in 2023, why me? Because you all have been our future from the very beginning. You have been the imagination foundation of this company that brick by brick built us up, and while some of you may have felt that you've been hiding in storage all these years, we have come to realize that you all have been our very own personal Fort Knox in the making. You are where the company gold mine has been hiding all along. I can already tell what you are thinking. "Dark Horse Comics is planning to rip off Kevin Feige's idea to make Comics Greatest World into a Shared Universe Film Series". That is true, but there is more to it than that. Much more. DC Comics has already tried that route over and over again and it's as if they have been failing up the ladder. So what did DC Comics do? They went out and did the same thing that we will, in a sense. They saw that James Gunn was their money maker at Marvel Films with Guardians of the Galaxy, so DC Comics hired him for Suicide Squad and now he's leading their company to Victory to take them out of the pits. I'll tell you what's wrong with the Comic Book movie formula. It's because the formula has changed. Dark Horse Comics is still doing what Marvel Films did back in the 1990s. Let's release a Theatrical Film, hope it makes Millions of Dollars, and then that will be our tent pole funds for our Comics Greatest World Shared Universe Circus. No No No. No we won't. Not this time. Because I'm firing on all four cylinders and we are going to outwit these Goons three moves ahead of the Chessboard. The problem with Movie Theaters is that every movie theater in America are so desperate to make money and draw back in their audiences that they release $20 a month plans such as Regal Unlimited, and I've got one of those plans myself, I go to the theaters once a day everyday even when I've seen the movies multiple times so I can get a feel for the audience. And what I'm seeing out there is a Ghost Town. One night a week those theaters get filled. And then it's back to the Streaming Channels. But that's what's so great about Streaming Nowadays, you can produce Hollywood Big Budget materials on the edge of an NC-17 Rating like Game of Thrones, and just get it out there. I'll tell you where our secret formula lies over yonder. It's hidden within the Television Formula of Robert Zemeckis Tales from the Crypt. Each episode of that series was made by a Guest Director, or Hollywood Actors because we all know that it's every actor's dream to direct someday. And that's how we are going to lure them in. And each episode of the Crypt was adapted directly from the EC Comic Books series themselves. And that is exactly what we are going to do. Dark Horse Comics was founded upon the vision of putting our trust and faiths into the Authors of our IP. And I've been reading Comics Greatest World all night before I came here and I can see the Vision. I can see the light. We are going to start out producing a Game of Thrones theatrical version of Comics Greatest World Omnibus Book One to introduce all of the Characters such as X and Barb Wire and Ghost and Motorhead and Golden City to Streaming Channels everywhere, as if they were watching Hollwood Budget Movies at Home. And then we are going to branch out and adapt each of their respective comic series verbatim one issue to one episode at a time, because we really have nothing better to do with our time honestly. And then we are going to kick Disney in their sorry little asses by releasing all of these series into Physical Media Format at Target and Walmart, and we're going to send complimentary copies of our shows to all of the Surviving Physical Media Archive Video Stores in America. Now is that a plan you can get behind everybody. Is that not the Dark Horse Comics Dream? Cause I've dreamed a dream of life gone by. I've dreamed a dream of life worth living. You get the idea. Well... anybody?
SCOTT ALLIE:
And what about Cats?
LUKE WILSON:
I'm sorry, did you just say you want us to make a Dark Horse Comics Streaming Channel... for Cats?
SCOTT ALLIE:
Everybody loves Pussy Cats! You could call it: Dark Horse Comics: A Bountiful Pussy Buffet. Or Dark Horse Comics: All the Pussy You Can Eat! Just think of all the possibilities and let your imagination be your guide! Isn't that crazy awesome?
LUKE WILSON:
No. No. That is NOT crazy awesome. In fact, I'm starting to notice a Ring of Professional Courtesy Sexism going on here. Don't you realize that following your perverted dreams is going to put all of us in front of a Woke Culture Firing Squad?
SCOTT ALLIE:
But it's All the Pussy You Can Eat... from Dark Horse Comics!
MIKE MIGNOLA:
GODDAMMIT SCOTT ALLIE! WHO THE FUCK KEEPS INVITING YOU TO THESE PARTIES! SOMEBODY GET THIS PERVERTED ASSHOLE AND THROW HIM OUT OF THE BUILDING!
SCOTT ALLIE:
Well... you're no fun anymore. I'm out of here.
MIKE RICHARDSON:
All right everybody. That's all we've had to say for tonight. Thank you for coming. Enjoy the Party. And never forget, that those who recklessly move forward with Balls more than Brains will always...
FADE OUT:
TOTAL BLACKNESS... BANG BANG...
FADE IN:
GHOST:
Oh My Goddess! Mike Richardson's been shot! Somebody shot Mike Richardson right in the Balls!
MIKE RICHARDSON:
No no, I'm fine, really I am. I'll pull through. I got the chop several years ago so I could have free unadulterated sex without the fear of unwanted pregnancies... wait... why the hell am I telling this to all of you?
SKULD:
I knew it! I knew it! Mike Richardson has no balls! I knew it all along!
FADE OUT:
TOTAL BLACKNESS... BANG BANG...
FADE IN:
MIKE RICHARDSON has a Big Bloody See Through Hole where his face used to be.
RON PERLMAN:
Okay everybody everybody listen to me and stay calm! We need somebody in the room to seal off all the doors and lock us in until the police can arrive to figure this out! Lock all the doors and nobody comes in or out! Do it now!
BARB WIRE:
I can't believe it. Somebody shot Mike Richardson! But why? All he's ever done is stick up for the little man! The outcasts! Why did it have to be him?
LUKE WILSON:
Did anybody see what happened when the lights went out? Was anybody standing next to the assailant when the gunshots went out.
SKULD:
I was standing next to the assailant when the gun went off.
RON PERLMAN:
But you were standing next to... David Harbour! Has anybody seen David Harbour!
DAVID HARBOUR:
I'm right here.
RON PERLMAN:
Get his gun now.
DAVID HARBOUR:
It's just a prop gun. You don't really believe I would bring a fucking loaded gun to a party...
SKULD:
But it couldn't have been David Harbour. He was standing to my right when the gunshots went off, and I could just swear the gunshots went off to my left.
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
Wait, is that your left or my left.
SKULD:
My left silly!
BRUCE CAMPBELL:
So then the Gunshots came from the right.
RON PERLMAN:
Your right or My Right.
LUKE WILSON:
Okay everybody settle down. Until we can figure this out, somebody take David Harbour to Mike Richardson's office and put him under lockdown until the police arrive.
URD:
There's just one problem. All of the phone lines in the building are down. Somebody in the building has instituted a Cell Phone Blocker. None of the calls are going in or out meaning that the police aren't coming at all.
DAVID HARBOUR:
Skuld! The gun wasn't loaded! Honestly! I'm being set up!
SKULD:
But I already know who the killer is! I'm Goddess of Death remember! I can see into the future! At least, I used to be able see into the future, I'm a little drunk right now. Did somebody spike the Punch Bowl.
URD:
Oh... fuck me life. This is bad.
RON PERLMAN:
Why do you think you know who the killer is?
SKULD:
The Killer was wearing Big Head's Mask, I swear he was. And that's the problem. Big Head never removed his mask in my presence later on down the line. It's entirely possible that the Killer is going to get away with this crime. And because Big Head can be worn by anybody, that means that Big Head can literally be anybody and change his physical appearance to mimic anybody in the room. Big Head could be any one of us right now.
JIM CARREY'S THE MASK:
But I'm Big Head.
SKULD:
Not you! The REAL Big Head from the Graphic Novels. Mike Richardson and John Arcudi based The Mask on a real life Ancient Artifact that was stolen from a Museum!
Suddenly LAW from AGENTS OF LAW appears on a Television Monitor Screen.
LAW:
Hello Dark Horse Comics. I'm sorry to crash the party, but it sounds like all of you are about to be left wandering around in the dark. So allow me to give you all a hint. Ten Little Indians Went Out to Dine. One got Shot in the Face, and then there were Nine. Nine Little Indians left to go. Which one is next, let's not spoil the Show. At the present moment, it is 3:00am meaning that Daylight hits within Three Hours time. That gives all of you Three Hours to find The Mask, that is, before Big Head finds one of your first. According to the rules of the game, there are nine victims left on tonight's list and they could be absolutely anybody. If you fail to discover the identity of the Killer before Sunrise... Dark Horse Comics is going to be burned to the ground with all of you still left in it. Except for maybe Ghost, I hear she can walk through walls. Too bad the rest of you won't be joining her. Remember Junior Detective Skuld, this test I now place on your shoulders. Can the Goddess of Death and Dark Horse's Greatest Detective Hellboy solve the Mystery before sunrise. The Suspense is killing me I hope it will last.
CUT TO:
EXT. DARK HORSE COMICS BUILDING - NIGHT
FADE OUT:
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