Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow - The First Act
FADE IN:
EXT. TREE OF YGGDRASIL SHOT
SUBTITLE:
KODANSHA LTD and
KADIAN'S TRASH BIN PRODUCTIONS
Present
SUBTITLE:
In Association With
GODDESS HOTLINE OFFICE
and AMBLIN ENTERTAINMENT
SUBTITLE:
A KEVIN NEECE FILM
CUT TO:
EXT. KEVIN NEECE'S HOUSE - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY
CUT TO:
INT. KEVIN NEECE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
STEVEN SPIELBERG, JOE DANTE, and GEORGE MILLER fade into frame, as if they are secretly Ghosts.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Hello! Come on out everybody! Time to Play! Is anybody here!
URD:
Steven Spielberg! Steven Spielberg is that you? And Joe Dante from Trailers from Hell? And George Miller from A Thousand Years of Longing! Welcome! Welcome to the Goddess Hotline Office in Austin TX! We've been expecting you!
JOE DANTE:
I'm sorry, I'm unfamiliar with you, but you look like somebody that we've seen before. Are you Kevin Neece's wife Angela Soto?
URD:
No No No... Kevin Neece separated from his Wife Angela Soto back in 2018 but never officially divorced her on paper. He's been paying her Child Support Money based on a Handshake Deal every month from his Father's IRA Inheritance Funds... which are due to run out in about Five Years. That should give him plenty of time to produce some more Ah My Goddess movies. Who knows. Perhaps someday his talents will finally become noticed by somebody influential.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Oh sure, sure, if you can call Anime Photoshop and Creative Property Theft an act of Creativity.
URD:
I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Nothing! Nothing! Forget I said anything! Kevin Neece's No Budget work in the Realm of... ahem... Creative Property Theft... is very interesting... if you like South Park and Fanatical Conspiracy Theories.
GEORGE MILLER:
We've been reading all of his articles he's been writing about us online, and he recently released a South Park Parody about us on YouTube and FilmFreeway called Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow and we just needed to know. Is Kevin Neece feeling okay? Is he supposed to be on some kind of medication right now that he isn't taking, or does he need any kind of assistance in finding himself a mental health doctor. Kevin Neece's articles are showcasing warning signs of Schizophrenia and Delusions of Grandeur about Being God and while his points of view and ability to spot patterns are interesting, it looks like he's going down a very dark path that's completely self destructive.
JOE DANTE:
Kevin Neece's Approach to Comedy on Ah My Goddess is he intentionally tries to come up with Ideas that he believes would get him fired off of a Studio Writer's Room Staff and Blacklisted from the Film Industry for Viciously Roasting his Bosses and his Co-Workers. And while we do understand and respect the medium of Satire and South Park Parodies. This kind of Self Destructive Behavior is not... normal. Who in their right mind would have the guts to write a film that deconstructs Steven Spielberg's entire film career in front of the Entire Film Industry and comes to the Conclusion that Steven's Contributions to Cinema have hurt Children who work in the film industry.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
It's not that there isn't any elements of truth to what Kevin Neece is looking into, there are people who really believe that Heather O'Rourke was raped and killed by a Hollywood Pedophile Ring. It's unfortunate that these rumors exists, but it's not Kevin Neece's fault persay, because he's not the only one who believes in them. And I don't know what to tell them either. I really don't. I only worked on one movie with Heather O'Rourke. She was a wonderful little child, I was so happy to believe that I may have started off her career, and then she made the Poltergeist Sequels with a Different Film Crew and then Bing Bam Boom! Tragedy Struck and a Shining Star was taken from the World and Sent back to Heaven. Look, we get it. Poltergeist is considered by the Film Industry to be a Cursed Film Production where Three Different Actors Died. We get it. Twilight Zone The Movie was a cursed film production. And Kevin Neece's theories that Hekate has been haunting our careers our entire lives are well... pretty disturbing because we don't really know how to discredit them. If anything, they make perfect sense. And our representatives are afraid to touch his case with a ten foot pole too. You get what we're saying here. It's not that he's not talented... it's that... nobody in the film industry wants to hire a Disgruntled Worker who brags to everybody that he's an Ex-Theater Pirate who pulled off the Crime of the Century and somehow avoided being arrested by the FBI because his father coincidentally had some kind of Hard Drive Evidence against the Trump Administration EPA. This guy's life is really fucked and it sounds like everyone's refusal to respond to him online is driving him into a state where he's ready to explode and go postal on the Entire Human Race.
GEORGE MILLER:
Actually, I'm here for a completely different reason. Kevin Neece seems to be under the impression that we've been living in a simulation and he keeps posting photographic evidence of patterns to support his claims. I'm not sure how to discredit him either. How can anybody come to the conclusion that all of us are already Dead and Living in the Afterlife and we've all been brainwashed by the System Force from Ah My Goddess so that we'll remain compliant under the belief that we're still alive. It's a phenomenal fantasy and he certainly knows how to present his logic to support it.
URD:
You want proof that we've been living in a Simulation that's based on the Ah My Goddess Universe and Ted Dansen's The Good Place? For those who are unaware, in The Good Place, Kristen Bell dies and goes to Hell, only the Demons have disguised Purgatory so that everyone who arrives there will believe that they've been admitted to Heaven. And from that point on, it allows all of the Demons to manipulate them into compliant behavior in order to keep themselves from being cast out into Hell. The Irony in this is that serving God in Heaven when we are acting against our own instinctive nature is actually more of a Personal Punishment than simply being punished in the Fiery Pits of Hell. The Reason why the Themes presented in The Good Place appear to match up to Kevin Neece's theory that the Simulation we've been living in has secretly been The Afterlife all long is because Hekate knows how to manipulate Hollywood Screenwriters and knows how to slip ideas about her culture into their movies to create a matter of Theology Discussion among the Human Race. You want proof that we're living in a Simulation? The Tree across the street from Kevin Neece's House is a Video Game Background Skin of the Tree of Yggdrasil based on the Asatru Tree of Life used by the Norse Mythology Community. Kevin Neece's Bedroom functions as a Three Way Crossroads allowing him to invoke Hekate. The Mirror setup in his bedroom is a specially designed communications tool to the Spirit Realm that connects him to the Yggdrasil System from the Ah My Goddess Universe. And then there is the Photograph of the Three Cats sitting on his Kitchen Wall. All Three Breeds of Cats featured on that Napkin represent Cats who have lived and died in Naomi Peterson's House over the course of her lifetime. It's a Store Bought Napkin. And there are Hundreds of Breeds of Cats in the United States meaning that there are Thousands of Different Combinations that they could be placed in. The Odds of all three cats matching up to the Three Cats who have lived and died in Kevin Neece's House are astronomical and the only reason that such a Napkin would exist on that Wall would be if the System Administrators who designed this Simulation intentionally designed the Napkin with the intention of it coming into contact with Kevin Neece. Furthermore, proof of the Simulation's Existence is hidden within Kevin Neece's entire DVD Collection which is why his bedroom is stocked like a Mom and Pop Video Store with Physical Media dating back to the 1990s. All of the Patterns Hidden within the DVDs showcase that the Simulation is real. And the Digital Technology used to create both The Lion King Remake and the latest Indiana Jones movie also explain how the Simulation could fool the entire Human Race. All of the External Environments you see in Jon Favreau's The Lion King were created on a Computer. They were not shot on location. And the Age Reduction Deepfake Technology that turns Harrison Ford into a Thirty Year Old Man for the Flashback Scenes in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny showcases how real a person could look when they were a Digital Simulation. If we've been living in a Simulation, there would be no way for us to tell exactly how long we've been living here because the entire human race is under the Influence of the System Force from Ah My Goddess. What this means, is that we could secretly already be thousands of years into the future, and the technology that you see on display in The Lion King and Indiana Jones would have been upgraded and perfected over a thousand times over within that timespan once again showing how the Simulation could be real. Does that answer your question?
JOE DANTE:
And now comes the million dollar question. Why take us back in time to the set of Twilight Zone The Movie? If this is really a Simulation? If we've been secretly living in the Afterlife our entire lives... then has Hekate secretly been punishing all of us as a form of Purgatory? What could we have possibly done throughout our lives that would merit all of us taking such a punishment from the Goddesses of Fate?
GEORGE MILLER:
So Twilight Zone: The Movie was a fucking disaster and it left a bad mark on all of our film careers because of the Tragic Onset Accident with John Landis. It's not really a bad movie. It's just not one worth dying for. Nobody deserves to die for a movie. Vic Morrow did not deserve what happened to him just because he was playing a villain.
SKULD:
Are you three sure you really want to know why Hekate Death Cursed you on Twilight Zone: The Movie? Do you really? Now I know the answer is going to sound really fucking stupid to you right now, but trust me on this. It's really really funny. Because the Goddess of Death has a sense of humor. It's so funny. I promise you. You're going to laugh yourselves silly like a bunch of silly gooses when you finally hear what it was. Are you guys ready?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Well don't keep us in suspense here Little Goddess Child. Why do you believe we got cursed by Hekate?
SKULD:
It's because you cast Dan Aykroyd in the opening of the movie. That's it. That's why Vic Morrow, Two Children, a Helicopter Pilot, and Scatman Crothers from The Shining died. I told you it was funny. Isn't it so funny? Isn't that crazy awesome? I'm sorry Steven... what's wrong... are you upset about Hekate's Punchline?
JOE DANTE:
I'm sorry. No. No. That is NOT crazy awesome. That doesn't make logical sense at all. Why would anybody want to viciously decapitate Vic Morrow and Two Children with a Helicopter Accident just because Dan Aykroyd was given a cameo appearance in the opening scene of the movie? That's an act of homicidal insanity!
SKULD:
Silly Gremlins Man. All Acts of Murder are an act of Insanity when you stop and think about it. If the Goddess of Death didn't learn to find the Black Comedy and Humor in her job, it would depress the living shit out of her and then she wouldn't be able to function properly to perform her duties. I know it's a Dirty Job, but somebody has to do it. You guys just happened to get caught in the Crossfire of Hekate's Practical Joke on John Landis, no different than all of the other Film Directors Hekate has manipulated over the Past Few Decades. In the end, an Efficient Goddess of Death is a Happy Goddess of Death who knows who to keep things fresh and amuse herself on the job with Little Jokes, Hidden Easter Eggs, and Serial Killer Riddles to keep the Austin Homicide Division on their toes. What can I say? We enjoy fucking with the Homicide Detectives minds. We're not hiring peace loving hippies and cowards to work on our staff. We employ serial killers with imaginations and talents for coming up with Ironic Stranger than Fiction Death Accidents to keep the American Conspiracy Theorists and Homicide Police Detectives on their toes. And one of those Secret In-jokes is the career of Saturday Night Live Actor Dan Aykroyd. Would you like to hear me list off the charges? Oh I just knew you would. Dan Aykroyd is such a Silly Man isn't he? That's why Hekate promoted him to our Honorary Angel of Death at Yggdrasil HQ Staff Luncheon.
GEORGE MILLER:
Oh My Goddess. She's not joking. She's really going to explain it to us. Jesus Fuck Me in Heaven I can't wait. That was sarcasm by the way, I don't really want to hear this.
URD:
Let me do it! Let me do it! I love Dan Aykroyd Conspiracy Theories! Dan Aykroyd worked on Saturday Night Live with Gilda Radner. Then Gilda Radner Died. That's One. Dan Aykroyd worked on John Landis The Blues Brothers and Neighbors and Steven Spielberg's 1941 with John Belushi. The John Belushi Died. That's Two. Dan Aykroyd worked on Twilight Zone The Movie. Then Vic Morrow, Two Children, a Helicopter Pilot, and Scatman Crothers Died. That's Seven. Dan Aykroyd worked on The Great Outdoors and Nothing But Trouble with The Devil John Candy. Then John Candy Died. That's Eight. Dan Aykroyd worked on Tommy Boy with Chris Farley. Then Chris Farley Died. That's Nine. Dan Aykroyd worked on Sgt Bilko with Phil Hartman. Then Phil Hartman Died. That's Ten. Dan Aykroyd worked on My Fellow Americans with Jack Lemmon. Then Jack Lemmon died. That's Eleven. Dan Aykroyd worked on Sneakers with River Phoenix. Then River Phoenix died. That's Twelve. Dan Aykroyd worked on The Couch Trip with Walter Mathau. Then Walter Mathau Died. That's Unlucky Number Thirteen.
SKULD:
But Urd! You're forgetting the best ones that have been right under our noses right in front of the general public. Dan Aykroyd worked on Ghostbusters. Then Harold Ramis died. That's Fourteen. Dan Aykroyd worked on Ghostbusters Afterlife, then Ivan Reitman died. That's Fifteen. It's almost as if Dan Aykroyd has been holding a secret competition with Wallace Shawn from the Princess Bride his entire career to see who could star in the most movies where one of the actors died. And Dan Aykroyd is beating Wallace Shawn by a Mile. Dan Aykroyd is a Fucking Death Note Superhero to Shinigami's Everywhere! Way to go Idaho!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
So let's double back, and forgive me if I'm getting this wrong here, but, Hekate and Belldandy from Ah My Goddess are Spiritually Connected to each other because they are different Mythology Facets of the Same Goddess. And because Hekate comes from Greek Mythology, she is able to manipulate Hollywood Screenwriters and Producers on a Subconscious Level like a Greek Muse to Sabotage and Manipulate their Film Productions. And over the past few decades Hekate has been targeting all of the actors from Saturday Night Live and Dark Horse Comics and the Evil Dead and Hercules the Legendary Journeys and the SAW Franchise, which has secretly been an Ah My Goddess spinoff the entire time because Tobin Bell is an Avenging Arch Angel of Fate just like Belldandy and Hekate. And because Hekate did this to all of us, all of our Film Resumes feature actors that can be traced back to Satanist, Witchcraft, and Demonology films, which when pointed out to the General Public, would make all of us look like we are members of the Satanist Illuminati Conspiracy Group that's been Running Hollywood? And the entire thing was a Practical Joke? And because the Illuminati Patterns are backed up by Internet Movie Database, there is literally nothing that we can do to stop this prank from being showcased to the entire general public? How the Hell did Belldandy find all the time to do all of this in the first place?
URD:
Hekate organized, arranged, and planned out the whole thing starting as far back as the 1970s, and she did it all during her Coffee Breaks. Literally took her a lifetime of planning to get to that stage. Most of you weren't even born yet. In fact, like The Devil John Candy, some of you were actually born and designed by the Goddesses of Fate herself with the specific intention of having her own Puppets to Fuck Around and Toy with on the Job. People like Kosuke Fujishima and Kevin Neece for example. Kevin Neece was born on 2/9/1983. In numerology his birthdate adds up to 32. If you apply numbers to the Alphabet, the word FATE adds up to the Number 32 which is 23 backwards. Jim Carrey was being haunted by Hekate because he made The Mask for Dark Horse Comics and she gaslighted him with the Angel Number 23 over and over again until Jim Carrey made his own Hollywood Horror Film called The Number 23. If you sit down and watch all of Jim Carrey's movies, and apply the numerology formula to all of the numbers you see in the background, most of his films support this theory. There is a reason why Jim Carrey gave such a convincing performance as Andy Kaufman in Man on the Moon. Hekate is the Goddess who sends messages to your dead relatives in the Afterlife. Hekate invoked the Ghost of Andy Kaufman to possess Jim Carrey to help him with his performance and it resulted in specific behavior on set that Andy Kaufman's friends swear they only saw Andy Kaufman do behind closed doors in private. It was Hekate that did it. Man on the Moon was directed by Milos Forman who made Amadeus with The Devil Jeffrey Jones from Stay Tuned and The Devil's Advocate. Milos Forman made One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest with The Devil Jack Nicholson from The Witches of Eastwick and The Devil Danny DeVito from Little Demon.
JOE DANTE:
So... the worst moments of our entire Film Careers were plotted and planned out during Belldandy's Coffee Breaks as a Sick Practical Joke on the Entire Human Race? Basically a Practical Joke from the Cosmos. Really? Now how do you like that Steven. I've always suspected that my entire life was a sick joke by the Fates. And now it's been officially confirmed. Gee Willickers. Imagine that? Well Boys, do you know what I say to that? Now that right there is superior Multi-Tasking at work. Why can't I ever hire a secretary that's as skilled at Multi-Tasking as Belldandy is. I've been looking in all the wrong places my entire career. Stupid me right. Well, that solves that mystery, it's getting dark here, is anybody up for Pluckers Buffalo Chicken? I think we passed one on the way over here.
URD:
No, about that... you can't leave.
GEORGE MILLER:
No really, this has been extremely educational but... wait... you're not planning to chain all of us up in your sex dungeon like Stephen King's Misery are you?
URD:
We don't have a Sex Dungeon, but Lindsay Ashley Neece does have Children's Bedroom she's no longer living in if you catch my drift. Care to get a bit naughty with me you Dirty Old Man You?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
It's a Sex Dungeon! We've been lured into a Sex Dungeon Trap! Kevin Neece has probably been hacked up to pieces and he's buried in his own back yard just like Joe Dante's The Burbs! Help! Help! The Front Door won't open! We're trapped in the House with a couple of Sex Maniacs and one of them is a Serial Killer!
SKULD:
No silly. What we mean is... you can't leave the house. Once you walked through that door. That was it. Game Over. You are now about to enter the Twilight Zone. Now that we've finally got you here, we were planning to use the System Force to Death Curse all three of you with a string of Fatal Heart Attacks if you attempted to leave the House.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Surely you must be joking.
SKULD:
No Steven, We're not joking. And don't call me Shirley. This is the official sequel to Twilight Zone The Movie titled Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow.
JOE DANTE:
But we just watched that South Park Parody online. We came here because we're trying to get the video removed before it goes viral! Kevin Neece is a fucking lunatic! And I think he's obsessed with my career because he's seen Gremlins 2 The New Batch too many times. I've met these guys before! They never buy the movie on DVD, they always collect them on VHS because it reminds them of their childhoods! Just like the Stalker Movie Whatever Happened to Baby Jane!
URD:
It gets even better. When people use Witchcraft to put a Voodoo Hex on someone, they usually use a person's photograph. Kevin Neece's Ah My Goddess cartoons work in the exact same fashion. When you use people's real life photographs and write their real life problems into the movie, the Real Goddess of Fate Hekate watches the cartoon and manifests a Voodoo Curse on the Actor involved that's always surrounded by Irony Serendipity and Coincidence. For example, when Dan Aiello was given a Death Scene in A Certain Magical Pimpdex, he died a few months later followed by the death of his Two Sons. That makes Three Victims representing Three Fates in connection to Kevin Neece's Voodoo Witchcraft Curse Cartoons.
GEORGE MILLER:
Are you trying to tell us that if we die in one of Kevin Neece's Ah My Goddess cartoons, there is a possibility that we'll die in real life, just like a Tales from the Crypt movie? Is this for real?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
It's for real. My representatives read every one of Kevin Neece's articles online that explained everything. He's got the screen captures and photographic evidence to prove he's been telling the truth. If you think Dan Aykroyd is the Angel of Death, Kevin Neece's marriage to Hekate has resulted in a Serial Killer list of victims that's nearly Thirty People long and included Children as young as Three Years Old. His suspicions that Heather O'Rourke matches up to Hekate's Death Patterns are not as crazy as you would like to believe. Kevin Neece is married to the Demon that was haunting us on Poltergeist and Twilight Zone The Movie and now she's come back for all of us just like the plot of a Stephen King movie.
SKULD:
Steven Steven Steven. It's not enough for us to simply kill you. If we wanted to do that, would we have gone through so much trouble to bring you all the way here? No No No Silly Jewish Boy. We've planned out an Entire Adventure for all of you to fuck with your minds and help you face down your fears. As we've stated before. We're about to send you into the Twilight Zone. Just like the plot of Kevin Neece's latest Bad Goddess movie: Let's Save Vic Morrow. And that's the game. We're going to see if the Time Travel Theories and Rules that you've been presenting in the Back to the Future series are real by sending the Three of You back in time to the set of Twilight Zone The Movie on the day of Vic Morrow's Tragic Helicopter Accident to see if you can override the actions and behavior of Director John Landis. And make no mistake, John Landis is the Villain in this movie. Come to think of it. John Landis was always the Villain in Real Life too. And because all of you are in your older years and you are about to become displaced in time, that means that nobody on the set of that movie is going to recognize you which means all of you are going to have to use your heads if you are going to save the day and save Vic Morrow's life.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Fuck Vic Morrow! Who's going to save Heather O'Rourke from the producers of Poltergeist III? Now I know you're fucking with our heads! You're not the Three Goddesses of Fate! This is a Work Stress Related Bad Nightmare and you're really Yacko Wacko and Dot from Animaniacs in Disguise!
URD:
Did Hekate also influence the Production of Animaniacs? I can't remember. I know that Ron Perlman from Hellboy played Satan in one of the episodes. Freakazoid suspiciously looks like Ryuk the Shinigami from the Death Note Anime Series. Do you think they may be related?
SKULD:
It looks like Hekate was responsible for Uncle Scrooge in Duck Tales. Scrooge originated as an Alan Young character in Mickey's Christmas Carol with the Ghosts of Past Present and Future based on Urd Belldandy and Skuld from Ah My Goddess. And the main villain in the series is Magicka DeSpell who uses Black Magick and Witchcraft to Conjur Demons and send them after Uncle Scrooge. Huey Dewey and Louie represent Three Fates. Donald Duck gets possessed by a Demon in Ancient Egypt. And they travel back in time to Greek Mythology and fight a Witch named Cersai that turns then into Pigs and Hekate is a Greek Mythology Goddess who also has the ability to turn her Victims into Animals in the Spirit Realm. The latest Duck Tales remake is voiced by David Tennant who was in a Doctor Who episode called The Satan Pit and he plays a Demon in Good Omens. Holy Fuck. Hekate's influence over our modern day cinema is everywhere.
GEORGE MILLER:
Wait a minute! If you two have been secretly living in Kevin Neece's House for the past year, then where the fuck did Belldandy go? We've haven't even seen Belldandy since we've been here.
URD:
We just made an entire movie with Belldandy and Ray Ray from A Dirty Shame. This Time Travel Adventure is about Roasting the Living Hell out of You Three. Get with the Program Here, you're about to Guest Star on Doctor Who. The Time Lord should be arriving right about now at any moment, so I need you three to remember: You cannot back out of your mission to save Vic Morrow. If you attempt to walk away from your mission, the System Force will induce you to die from a String of Fatal Heart Attacks. And if you see Dan Aykroyd anywhere in your journey, never forget that Dan Aykroyd is the Angel of Death and always has been. If you appear onscreen in a movie with Dan Aykroyd that's being Hekate Voodoo Cursed by Kevin Neece on Bad Goddess, his cameo appearance could result in all three of you dying in your sleep in real life. Remember. Stay away from Dan Aykroyd at all costs.
Suddenly the TARDIS appears in Kevin Neece's Living Room.
DOCTOR WHAT materializes in front of everybody and he's being played by Actor Dan Aykroyd.
DAN AYKROYD:
Surprise Everybody! I'm Everybody's Favorite Public Access Time Lord!
(BEAT)
JOE DANTE:
Holy Fucking Shit! It's him! It's the Angel of Death from Twilight Zone The Movie! I knew it! I knew it! We've been led into a Trap! We're all going to die! We're all going to die!
DAN AYKROYD:
Well... if it ain't on BBC it ain't worth watching is it?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Jumping Jesus Jehosaphat Dan Aykroyd! What the fuck are you doing acting in Hollywood Movies when you've been moonlighting as the Angel of Death the whole time? Are you Insane! Get away from us! Just standing in your presence is enough to kill us all! Help! Help!
DAN AYKROYD:
Relax. There's no need for you three to Fear the Reaper. Not yet anyways. Why have I been moonlighting as an Actor when I already have a dayjob as the Angel of Death? Well in fairness, it's all about Multi-tasking really. Surely I don't need to point out to all of you that there are too many people in this world who are simultaneously dying for me to be all over the world at the same time. That's not how it works. My soul is married and intertwined to the Death Algorithm within both the Yggdrasil and Niddhog Systems, thus allowing me to be a double agent for the Goddess and Demon Realm so that everything remains in Sync with one another. If anything, that would make Mara Marller and Skuld and Santa Muerte and Garadaera Saladorga my family members so to speak. We are all different aspects of the same program. But, since my Death Algorithm is running in the background as a program, that leaves my Human Avatar on Earth with a little time on my hands. Why am I an Actor on Saturday Night Live and Happy Madison movies? Because Demons have always kept themselves through the Publicity that they receive. Does it really surprise you at all that all of the cast members of Saturday Night Live are Demons, or that the Saturday Night Live broadcasts that play late at night during the witching hours when Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads performs her invocations, has been used as a Subliminal Television Broadcast for Decades just like the Satellite Signal that John Carpenter used to brainwash the Human Race on They Live? Wake up people. All of the Television Sets on Planet Earth have been converted into Flat Screens meaning that when you turn them off, their reflections convert them into Black Mirror Portals to the Demon Realm. When you watch Saturday Night Live, you are allowing the Demons to secretly enter your home and manipulate your actions and behavior like Greek Muses. And it's not like all of this is any kind of new practice, god no, the Demons have been getting in on the Film Industry ever since the Silent Film era Scandals of Fatty Arbuckle and movies about Hell like Dante's Inferno. We at the Marller Gang just love and respect Silent Film Director Henry Otto for paving the way for Demons everywhere with his amazing work of Fantasy. To show our appreciation, once a week, I take Mara Marller and the Gang to visit Henry Otto in the Assisted Living Home, then we take him out to a Strip Club in Austin TX called the Yellow Rose and personally pay for his Lap Dances, and we chip in to take him out to dinner at Fancy Restaurants. You might think all of this classifies as an Act of Charity, but just to keep our kindness in line with Demonic Values, all of our Financial Resources are stolen from the Petty Cash Drawer from Kodansha Ltd CEO Yoshinobu Noma's own office. Isn't that hilarious? Yoshinobu Noma is scared shitless to report the Marller Gang because he's afraid his wife will think he's been raiding the petty cash drawers to spend on his visits to the Strip Clubs and Brothels in Japan. It's Ah My Goddess Blackmail at its finest. God Bless Henry Otto. He's such a sweet old man, like an Evil Grandpa, and that makes him my fucking hero!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Oh My Goddess. It's been staring all of us in the face all along. And here we thought this entire time that you and John Belushi used to be best friends when it was you who arranged the Death of John Belushi the entire fucking time. How could you do that to your own best friend?
DAN AYKROYD:
Easily. He was on Drugs. John Belushi loved Drugs more than he loved Life. For those Black Magick Candles who Burn the Brightest Always Burn Out the Fastest. Come on Steven, it's not like I butchered John Belushi in cold blood with a Kitchen Knife here. Was it not best for him to be taken into the Next Life with his own Best Friend by his side than to be crammed into the Bullet Train to Niflheim like a Family of Jews from World War II? John Belushi may be dead to all of you but I get to see him every day on the Job where I work. And Chris Farley now gets to hang out with his hero all the time. John Belushi may be no substitute for Adam Sandler, but then again, who is nowadays?
JOE DANTE:
And what about John Candy? Was John Candy really a reincarnation of Satan in the form of a Human Being because he was born on Halloween?
DAN AYKROYD:
Was John Candy Satan in Disguise? Of course he was silly. It didn't take a Rocket Scientist for all of us to figure that out on SCTV and Saturday Night Live. Everybody that knew John Candy personally loved him because Satan is so fucking loveable. Satan isn't the one who Flooded the Entire Earth and killed off 99% of the Human Race because he gave them Free Will and they didn't follow his orders. That's the Almighty's Job. All Satan does is Drugs, Orgies, and Rock and Roll. And he gave the world his greatest gift in the form of John Candy.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
I don't believe you. Let's see you explain the John Candy Satan Allegory again without looking up one of Kevin Neece's online articles.
DAN AYKROYD:
In John Hughes Vacation, The Devil John Candy has a cameo role as the Security Guard of Wally World. While this in itself isn't Demonic, Chevy Chase was featured in the Hekate Cursed Three Fates movie The Three Amigos which was directed by John Landis from the Hekate Cursed Twilight Zone The Movie. And Beverly D'Angelo was in a Sexual Relationship with Al Pacino who played Satan in The Devil's Advocate. Randy Quaid was in Independence Day with Bill Pullman from the Voodoo Witchcraft Wes Craven movie The Serpent and the Rainbow. Bill Pullman was also in Ruthless People with Bette Midler from the Salem Witchcraft movie Hocus Pocus with The Devil Gary Marshall. Danny DeVito played Satan recently in Little Demon. And Jerry Zucker later directed Ghost with Patrick Swayze who later died and his co-star Whoopi Goldberg played The Angel of Death in Henry Selick's Monkeybone.
GEORGE MILLER:
You're getting off to a terrible start here. This sounds like guilt by association. You can't just charge somebody with a crime because they knew a friend of a friend of a friend like Urban Legends do. That's not how our Society works.
DAN AYKROYD:
In Summer Rental on the Box Cover, John Candy is dressed in Full Red like the Devil, the Water Skiis he carries behind his back form an upside down cross like the Exorcist. The snake floatie around his neck is a reference to Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads. In the movie, Rip Torn played the Sorcerer in the movie Beastmaster which features Three Witches that can be switched out with the Three Fates Urd Verdandi and Skuld. And in Summer Rental, the villain played by Richard Crenna was featured in Devil Dog: Hound of Hell which was featured in Horror Remix Beast at the Alamo Drafthouse where Kevin Neece used to work. Shall I continue?
GEORGE MILLER:
By all means Mister Angel of Death. Don't let us try and stop you.
DAN AYKROYD:
In Ron Howard's Splash, at the beginning of the movie when Tom Hanks is stood up at the Wedding Chapel, The Devil John Candy shows up in a Black and Purple Suit like the Prince of Darkness and leads Tom Hanks to Sin and Temptation in an Alcohol Serving Bar that is completely laced in Red like he took him to Hell. While Tom Hanks is shitfaced drunk, The Devil John Candy further tempts him to fly with him out to Norway for the weekend to fuck Norwegian Hookers. The Mythology of The Three Norns Urd Verdandi and Skuld originates from Norway. Daryl Hannah was also featured in the Supernatural movie High Spirits, which was directed by Neil Jordan who made The Company of Wolves with The Devil Terrance Stamp.
GEORGE MILLER:
That's three down. Keep it up Boy Wonder. How low can you go?
DAN AYKROYD:
Brewster's Millions is about one of the Seven Deadly Sins known as Greed. The director Walter Hill became famous for a Cult Movie called The Warriors which was based on Greek Mythology and Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads is a Greek Goddess. Richard Pryor was also in Superman III representing Three Fates, and his Buddy Comedy career was with Gene Wilder who played Satan in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which is why Marlyn Manson so badly lobbied to play the role in the first place. Satan tempts all of the naughty children to their deaths with Candy.
GEORGE MILLER:
Looking good Cannonball Run. Keep it up here. Just ease on down the road.
DAN AYKROYD:
Little Shop of Horrors was famously based on the format of a Greek Tragedy and Director Frank Oz confirms it. The Three Motown Singers Ronette Crystal and Chiffon are the Three Fates Urd Verdandi and Skuld. Tisha Campbell got hit with the Curse of Skuld the Future Goddess because she was the only one of the Three Motown Singers who had a Future in the Film Industry. The movie itself is about a Devil's Bargain that Rick Moranis makes with Audrey II. In the original ending, Rick Moranis pays for his Deal with the Devil in blood by feeding the love of his life Ellen Greene to the Plant, which predicted the Future Death of his own Wife about a decade later which led to Rick Moranis retiring from the Film Industry to raise their two children. The movie also features Christopher Guest from the Hekate Cursed Three Fates film This is Spinal Tap which features a Witchcraft Ritual scene with Stonehenge. And The Devil John Candy appears to show his moral support. Steve Martin was targeted by Hekate his entire career because his first television special was shot on October 31st 1976 which was Devil's Night Halloween. Shall I go on?
GEORGE MILLER:
The Suspense is Killing Me. I hope it will last. Are you guys hearing this?
DAN AYKROYD:
In Hot to Trot, Bobcat Goldthwait inherits a Horse that has the ability to speak because it's possessed by The Devil John Candy. His costar in the movie is Virginia Madsen from the Horror Movie Candyman, who claims that she only did the film because she needed the money and she's embarrassed to show it to anyone she knows. Dabney Coleman was in the Hekate Cursed Three Fates movie 9 to 5 with Jane Fonda from Spirits of the Dead with The Devil Terrance Stamp, and Lily Tomlin who played a Ghost who possessed Steve Martin in All of Me. Dolly Parton somehow got off the Hook and escaped Hekate's Curse because she's a Devout Christian. Bobcat Goldthwait was also in Shakes the Clown with Julie Brown who co-wrote, produced, and starred in the Hekate Cursed Three Fates movie Earth Girls are Easy with Saturday Night Live actor Michael McKean. Jim Carrey got hit with the Curse of Skuld in that movie and later played The Angel of Death in High Strung, which has suspiciously never been released on VHS. Kevin Neece claims to have seen High Strung from the Mom and Pop VHS Video Store days of the 1990s and still remembers it to this day.
GEORGE MILLER:
You're starting to derail on Weird Tangents here. Can you please stay on topic?
DAN AYKROYD:
The Devil John Candy appeared in the Music Video for the Supernatural film Ghostbusters, which was absolutely haunted by Demons, and I of all people should know. While technically there are four members of the Ghostbusters, the Token Black Ghostbuster played by Ernie Hudson frequently gets omitted from the posters making Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis the Three Fates with Harold Ramis getting hit with the Curse of Skuld. Harold Ramis later died before a Third Sequel could be made. The fact that Ernie Hudson has such a small role that he keeps getting omitted or cut out of the movie due to Pan and Scan is why Eddie Murphy turned down the movie and when Ghostbusters Answer the Call was later released the same thing happened to Leslie Jones. The Three White Actresses in the movie get to play Scientists but for some reason Leslie Jones is a Street Smart Subway Worker, and then the Trolls attacked Leslie Jones online and ran her off of Twitter. The movie was so cursed by Sexism that when the Studio released a DVD Collectors Set of the Franchise, Ghostbusters Answer the Call was suspiciously omitted from the Group. Fuck my life, why do I even support this series anymore? Is Ghostbusters really that cursed?
GEORGE MILLER:
Let's put it this way. They released Ghostbusters Afterlife and Ivan Reitman dropped dead harder than Harold Ramis. Yeah, I would say that Ghostbusters is a Cursed Movie. There's title card in Sailor Moon vs Jigsaw where Mara Marller says "Fuck Ivan Reitman". Mara's name written in sanscrit translates into Death, and that shot in the movie has not aged well since Ivan Reitman's Death.
DAN AYKROYD:
On the Poster of Uncle Buck, The Devil John Candy is seen knocking on the Door and on the other side all five of his family members are blocking the door to prevent him from entering the house. In Vampire movies, the Vampires cannot enter their Victim's Home unless they are invited and I supposed the same rules can be applied to Satan and his minions.
GEORGE MILLER:
Wait for it. Wait for it.
DAN AYKROYD:
In Who's Harry Crumb? The Devil John Candy is a Detective who is a Master of Disguise just like Chevy Chase in Fletch. The movie features The Devil Jeffrey Jones from The Devil's Advocate and Stay Tuned. The Secret Message of the movie is that The Devil Wears Many Disguises to Deceive His Victims.
GEORGE MILLER:
Wow... we've almost made it into the 1990s. Yawn. Good, I could use a nap.
DAN AYKROYD:
Home Alone is directed by Christopher Columbus who worked on Gremlins with Joe Dante from the Hekate Cursed film Twilight Zone The Movie. The mother from Home Alone is played by Catherine O'Hara from the Demonology film Beetlejuice with The Devil Jeffrey Jones from The Devil's Advocate and Stay Tuned with the DEAD John Ritter. In Home Alone, the mother is standing at an Airport Crossroads and states out loud, "I would sell my soul to the Devil if it would get me home to my son." Suddenly John Candy appears as Satan and offers her a ride home in the most Annoying Polka Music Van in the world as her Be Careful What You Wish For Devil's Contract Clause. The Devil makes deals for Human Souls at the Crossroads.
GEORGE MILLER:
Did you read all of that off of a QAnon Website? Where are you getting your information from? It was Jacob Chansley the QAnon Shaman wasn't it? You dirty dog you.
DAN AYKROYD:
In Delirious, The Devil John Candy plays a Soap Opera Television Producer who dressed in a Black Suit like Satan, steps on Mariel Hemingway's hands, then he dies and goes back to Hell only to wake up in the Universe of his own Soap Opera. While he's there, he discovers that like the Goddesses of Fate, he can control the Destinies of his characters with a Magic Typewriter. Delirious appears to foreshadow the arrival of Will Ferrell's Stranger than Fiction which was also about the Goddess of Fate playing God in the Machine.
GEORGE MILLER:
You're really going the distance with this fantasy aren't you Aykroyd. It's almost as if you really believe in your own bullshit.
DAN AYKROYD:
In Only the Lonely, The Devil John Candy fantasizes about murdering his own Mother in Cold Blood. Then he develops a romantic relationship with Ally Sheedy, who works in a Mortician's Office as a Makeup Artist who dresses up the Dead Bodies for their Funerals. Why would John Candy date a Woman who works in a Morgue and dream of killing his own mother? Because he's Satan.
GEORGE MILLER:
That's about normal for an Adult who still lives with their Parents. If I still lived with my mother at my age like Kevin Neece does, I'd dream of killing her every night too.
DAN AYKROYD:
Nothing But Trouble seems to foreshadow the later Rob Zombie Horror Franchise House of 1000 Corpses which got cursed by Hekate because it took place on Halloween leading to the Three Fates movie The Devil's Rejects where Sid Haig got targeted with the Curse of Skuld. In Three from Hell representing Skuld, Sid Haig died during the production which is why he only has one scene in the movie. But none of this has anything to do with Nothing But Trouble, it's just a little interesting trivia. In Nothing But Trouble, Demi Moore played one of the villains in the Hekate Cursed Three Fates movie Charlie's Angels Full Throttle which featured Bernie Mac as Bosley who later DIED in Real Life. We already discussed Chevy Chase. Nothing But Trouble developed a Cult Fanbase Audience which is not bad for a Dan Aykroyd performance that features a Prosthetic Penis on his Nose. Fuck you Kevin.
GEORGE MILLER:
Are we about ready to wrap this up yet? I've shot entire Mad Max movies that are shorter than this scene.
DAN AYKROYD:
In The Rescuers Down Under, the title Down Under refers to Way Down Under in Hell. The Villain George C Scott is famous for two different horror movies about the Occult, The Changeling and The Exorcist III which is claimed to be a superior sequel to the Original Movie by its Cult Audience. In Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, Albatrosses are said to be Foreshadow Warnings of Impending Doom. In The Rescuers Down Under, The Devil John Candy voice acted as an Albatross named Wilbur because the Voice Actor from the original movie died a few years earlier which should have tipped John Candy off that the role he was playing was Death Cursed. A few years later in 1994, both John Candy and Eva Gabor died during the same year. The Three Fates Urd Verdandi and Skuld that are featured on the DVD Cover are the Three Mice.
GEORGE MILLER:
And now we've come down to this. The Final Chapter of Friday the 13th. Nope. I'm wrong. The producers lied.
DAN AYKROYD:
In Cool Runnings, The Devil John Candy is Teaching his Demon Minions from the Hot Climate of Hell aka Jamaica who to survive in Colder Climates. The Fact that John Candy's Manager never actually existed in Real Life when Cool Runnings was based on a True Story showcases that the Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled was convincing the World he doesn't exist.
GEORGE MILLER:
Okay, even I've got to admit, that was a pretty good one. I can see the Finish Line in sight. No wait, that's a Subway Train and It's headed in our direction. Run!
DAN AYKROYD:
When The Devil John Candy was filming Wagons East, he was completely miserable and had a premonition that something terrible was about to happen to him. He even called up Catherine O'Hara from Beetlejuice to tell her that something was wrong. It's no surprise that Chris Farley also died just like him after shooting another Western called Almost Heroes, and the tragic irony in their connection is that John Candy always fucking despised Chris Farley and he especially despised being compared to him just because they were both Fat Actors connected to SCTV and Saturday Night Live. John Candy was also known to have a Drug Habit and when it was reported that he passed away in Mexico, a country known for its drug running, I've got to tell you, his death looked suspicious, as if his family bribed the news reporters to pull a cover up so that his name wouldn't be smeared all over the news. The same thing happened to Bob Saget when he died from Severe Blunt Force Trauma. Everybody immediately jumped to their own conclusions and assumed that it might be drugs. John Candy's final present to his Two Children was a rock that fell off the shelf on the day they were informed of his death. When the rock hit the ground, it split in half and revealed a Geode on the inside. One last present from John Candy to his children before he crossed over back into Hell. You ask me, was John Candy really Satan in disguise because he was born on Halloween? Of course he was. What rules are in the books that state that Satan is banned from living a normal life and working a normal day job with a Wife and Two Children who love him? Doesn't everybody deserve that chance to be happy? Satan did. The Devil has feelings too you know. And that's what made John Candy such a perfect disguise, because while Satan is reviled by the Human Race, John Candy himself was universally loved by everyone. It kind of brings a sad tear to your eye doesn't it.
GEORGE MILLER:
Kevin Neece! Why the fuck did you cast me in this stupid stupid idiotic movie! You're fucking torturing me here you goddamn lunatic! Help Help! Jane! Get me out of this crazy thing!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Somebody please tell me that Kevin Neece hasn't been sending all of these conspiracy theories to John Candy's children. Somebody in this dirty forsaken world has got to have fucking boundaries somewhere.
JOE DANTE:
No he's been sending them to me on Twitter nonstop to taunt me with the fact that he doesn't need us to produce this movie for him. I can't tell whether to laugh or cry because all of his information is backed up by Internet Movie Database. Why was Joe Dante targeted by Hekate? Because my last name is short for Dante's Inferno. Gag Me a Fuck River Please.
GEORGE MILLER:
This is it. It's finally happened. We've finally stepped into the Twilight Zone and now we're in purgatory. I'm not even sure I can remember how all three of us got into Kevin Neece's House in the first place. Common Sense should have told all of us to keep our distance after we watched Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow on YouTube. But no. Let's not listen to common sense today. Let's split up and investigate Kevin Neece's House like a fucking episode of Scooby Doo. It's as if the System Force of Fate from Ah My Goddess manipulated all three of us into coming here like Pawns being moved around on a Chessboard. Three Directors representing The Three Fates Urd Verdandi and Skuld. And Death likes to play Chess in Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal.
URD:
Bitches please. You don't think all of your careers weren't already being manipulated by Hekate like a Greek Mythology Muse? Allow me to show all of you a little magick trick. Mad Max One: Urd. That's me. The Road Warrior Two: That's my sister Belldandy. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome Three: Skuld the Future Goddess of Death and Dark Omens. What happened on the set of Beyond Thunderdome? George Miller's Producing Partner Byron Kennedy died in a Helicopter Crash just like Vic Morrow on the set of Twilight Zone The Movie proving that Lightning in a Bottle can strike twice. Thus resulting in George Miller retiring from Action Movies until his triumphant return with Mad Max Fury Road. And what was that movie about? Why Cute Little Goddesses of Course. And a bunch of War Boys who believed they are going to Valhalla just like Norse Mythology. And what is Ah My Goddess based on? Norse Mythology Goddeses. And then Little Georgie Miller got inspired with the magical idea to follow up his Hit Movie with A Thousand Years of Longing, about a Djinn who falls in love with a mortal. And what is Ah My Goddess about? A Goddess who falls in love with a mortal named Kosuke Fujishima because she wanted to grant his wish like a Djinn. My my my, how coincidental these movies are. So tell me George Miller, knowing what you know now, does any of this make you feel like Hekate's Bitch? It certainly does raise the question: Do you still feel like you have Free Will? Freedom of Choice? Or perhaps your Fate really was written by a Goddess after all. Naughty Naughty.
JOE DANTE:
Gee Willickers George. Which way did she go George? Which way did she go?
SKULD:
You shut your Dirty Hobo Dick Cheese Tramp Mouth Joe Dante. As much as I love my Bugs Bunny cartoons, even I have a few questions to ask about Looney Tunes Back in Action and what your intentions were towards Child Audiences. Are you ready to hear the charges against you? Brendan Fraser was in the Devil's Bargain film Bedazzled with The Devil Elizabeth Hurley. Ron Perlman was The Devil in Hellboy which was produced by Dark Horse Comics during the same production year as Looney Tunes Back in Action. Dark Horse Comics are the American Producers of the Oh My Goddess Manga with Urd Belldandy and Skuld. Robert Picardo played The Devil Mark Dark in 976-EVIL. Steve Martin was in the Hekate Cursed Three Fates movie Little Shop of Horrors. Jenna Elfman was in Keeping the Faith with Ben Stiller from Highway to Hell. Cameo Scene by Mathew Lillard from the Demonology movie Thirteen Ghosts. Dick Miller was in Tales from the Crypt Demon Knight with The Devil Billy Zane and a Succubus Demon named Jada Pinkett Smith. There's a reason why Will Smith is so miserable. It's because his wife is a Succubus Demon. It's her job to rob him of as much happiness as possible by cheating on him straight to his face in front of the entire Film Industry and both of Will Smith's Demon Children are Goddamn Woke Culture Freaks. Every time I see Will Smith's family on Television I feel like I'm watching the Gargoyle Segment from Tales from the Darkside where Rae Dawn Chong was the Demon the entire time and then James Remar's children turn into little Gargoyle Monsters too shortly before his Succubus Wife rips out his Throat with her own Vampire Fangs. That's Jada Pinkett Smith all right. And who are you to talk Joe Dante? If looks like you're guilty of the same behavior. Well the Devil comes due for everyone and you are no exception Joe Dante. You had decades to bring us a legitimate Practical Effects Sequel to the Gremlins Franchise Universe and what the fuck did you give us? An animated television series that went straight to the streaming channels. Gag Me a Fuck River. Did you really have to jump on the bandwagon just to save your dwindling career? You would have been better off directing both Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates in a Sequel to Anthony Hickox's Waxwork Universe. That's the Crossover that we really want to see. Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates are the same ages as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
You don't even have to detail all of the Hekate infractions in my career. I already know. Look. I get it. It looks like we sold our souls to the Devil to advance our careers, but in all fairness, that's kind of the nature of the Hollywood Beast and it always has been since the very first creation of the Silent Film Industry. Money Makes the World Go Round. Money is Power. Absolute Power Corrupts. What the fucking Hell would you expect to happen when you keep throwing money at them and give them Millions of Dollars to play with?
URD:
I don't know. They could spend their extra money on building Children's Hospitals like Keanu Reeves. They could pay more than their share in Taxes to help cover and pay off the National Debt. They could use their wealth to end Homelessness and also provide Affordable Housing for the Underprivileged. They could live in Moderately Low Budget Houses in Nice Normal Neighborhoods like Normal Civilians Do instead of spending all of their money on Overpriced Mansions up in the Hollywood Hills where they can shut themselves off from Society like Charles Foster Kane, which are being burned to the ground by Climate Change Forest Fires anyways so why bother right. I can think of a lot of things these Privileged Egotistical Monsters could be doing with their extra cash instead of spending $300 Million Dollars on the Seventeenth Fucking Michael Bay Transformers movie designed to sell Action Figures! Steven Spielberg, how the fuck could you even bring yourself to employ Michael Bay without coughing up a lung in total disgust? Michael Bay doesn't even bother to watch movies at the Theater much less study how to make a Good One like you did during your childhood. Michael Bay doesn't even bother to watch movies at Home either. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost made an entire love letter to Michael Bay called Hot Fuzz and he didn't give a fuck at all. That egotistical bastard. How dare that son of a bitch claim to be the bastard son of John Frankenheimer! Michael Bay doesn't deserve to even lick John Frankenheimer's nutsuck much less carry on his family name! Kevin Neece has a Regal Unlimited Pass and attends the Local Movie Theaters everyday, even when he's already seen the movies several times, and he still finds the time to write and produce all of his movies. So what's Michael Bay's fucking excuse for working with a man with your education in Cinema History? It's not your executive producing skills or cinematic knowledge that Michael Bay seems to be after Steven Spielberg, it's your name. Michael Bay just wants your name on the poster so he can sell tickets. That's how the Michael Bay system works. What's more important in life to you Steven Spielberg, being remembered for your Contributions to Cinema, or your Name being exploited on a DVD box to Sell Tickets to Dogshit? Trust me on this one. As the Three Fates from Norse Mythology, we know all about having our names Urd Verdandi and Skuld exploited by the Anime Film Industry. Mangaka Kosuke Fujishima and Yoshinobu Noma have been doing it to us for Thirty Years. Before Thor and Loki appeared in The Mask from Dark Horse Comics and in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there was the Oh My Goddess Manga Series. May it be buried six feet under for an eternity and rest in peace. Amen.
DAN AYKROYD:
Listen Guys. It's been fun seeing you again, but we're kind of on a ticking clock here. People can only sit in a movie theater for so long before they have to run to the bathroom down the Hallway. We're trying to entertain everyone, not bore the living shit out of them. Let's be spontaneous and have fun with this idea. Let's run with it and throw passion to the wind. What I'm trying to say is, just hop in the TARDIS and let's go. Whatever planning and flaws in logic you need to work out, you can do it along the way when you get there. It'll make things more fun for the audience.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Whoa whoa whoa. I produce Time Travel movies for a living, and I've seen a hundred more of them that have ripped us off. I am telling you right now that nothing good will come from rushing all three of us into this situation without proper time and planning. Not even at the risk of a Fatal Heart Attack. Nothing good at all.
JOE DANTE:
Performing Pre-Production Work and Solving Screenwriting Gaps in Logic is what we do for a living. If you just gave us some more time, we could reasonably make this work. For example, there are hundreds of articles explaining in explicit detail what happened that day that John Landis and Vic Morrow were on set with those two children. Never forget that while all of us worked on the Twilight Zone movie, none of us worked together at the same time. We each worked on our own individual film segments meaning that what happened to John Landis that night happened from his perspective, not ours. That's why Steven Spielberg was cleared of any wrongdoing by the court system. It's because he wasn't on set on the night that it happened. Steven Spielberg didn't know that John Landis was bribing those children's parents from our Petty Cash funds to bypass Californian Child Labor Laws. If he did, he would have stepped in himself to stop it before it ever got that far. We could prove that this incident happened by simply gathering up old newspapers, printing out online articles, I even have a copy of the VHS tape footage showcasing Vic Morrow's tragic accident that's been uploaded all over YouTube. Social Media Video Websites like YouTube didn't exist back in 1983. You would need a VHS tape as Physical Evidence to show Vic Morrow or Steven Spielberg or even John Landis himself to prove that the incident happened.
URD:
Oh please. We never bother to think that far ahead. We're doing this now. Not two weeks from now. Marty McFly wasn't given any time to think when Doc Brown forced him onto that Time Machine in the Sequel now did he? Get with the program. It's Time to Move It Move It King Julian! So Move It!
GEORGE MILLER:
Kevin Neece has a computer with a Scanner and a Printer and Wifi sitting right there in the kitchen. And he's completely stocked up on Legal Paper. If you just gave us a moment to sit down, we could easily print out all of the articles.
SKULD:
Kevin Neece used up all of the ink toner weeks ago and never went to Office Depot to buy a replacement because he doesn't have any money. He keeps expecting his Mother to pay for everything. And all of the stores are closed right now. Just get on the fucking TARDIS and let's go. People paid Full Price Theater Admission to see you three get your asses handed back to you when you attempt to go on a Real Time Travel Adventure and we do not want to refund their money back to them if you force us into making a Bad Movie. Now get on the fucking TARDIS and let's go.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Touchy touchy here. All right. We'll get on the TARDIS. I'll tell you what though. Riddle me this Covfefe: If John Landis is the reason that accident happened in the first place, and the movie was never really a hit to begin with, then shouldn't logic tell you that we need to travel back in time to Pre-Production and Fire John Landis off the production before it ever gets that far.
DAN AYKROYD:
You're not thinking clearly Steven. Once you step off the TARDIS, nobody is going to recognize you as the Great and Powerful Steven Spielberg. You'll be a nobody all over again. Just a Dirty Old Man running around behind the scenes on set without the Proper Studio Clearances. Make no mistake. You may have dreamed about traveling back in time to fire John Landis off of that movie your entire career but unfortunately that's not how Real Time Travel works. If you want to save Vic Morrow's Life once and for all, All Three of You are going to have to Learn to Think Outside the Box and be Very Quick About it because the Studio Security Guards are going to be chasing you all over the place. You're going to have to be one step ahead of them every step of the way. Just think of this as a Spiritual Sequel to the Robert Zemeckis Back to the Future Time Travel Universe, only this time, it all centers around you Steven. And at the End of the Day, this Quest of Burden will fall upon your Shoulders and Yours Alone. Now Let's Go Save Vic Morrow.
FADE OUT:
Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow - The Twilight Zone
FADE IN:
EXT. OUTER SPACE:
SKULD:
"You're travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone!"
CUT TO:
EXT. TARDIS - VIETNAM SET OF TWILIGHT ZONE
CUT TO:
INT. TARDIS - DAY
DAN AYKROYD:
All right everybody. We have officially arrived onto the Vietnam set of Twilight Zone The Movie "Time Out". Now remember, from this point on, all three of you are on your own. However, if we were to leave you to your own means, you probably wouldn't be able to get around anywhere without being caught. For that matter, we've taken the liberty of securing you guys Film Set Passes and you have a guide. Seek out Heather the Intern and all will be revealed. My Fortune Smile Upon You Three Fates during your Mission. Now it's Time to Move It Move It King Julian. So Go Break a Leg. Everybody Out. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
CUT TO:
EXT. VIETNAM SET - DAY
JOE DANTE:
Steven, I have a question. Did John Landis actually shoot on location for the Vietnam scenes? I didn't work on this segment, in fact, I don't remember a damn thing.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
I was the main producer on this film along with John Landis and I don't recall booking sites on location in Vietnam either. Dan Aykroyd must have made some kind of mistake.
GEORGE MILLER:
Of course he made a mistake. The first thing he announced right out the gate was he's everybody's favorite public access time lord. That's setting the bar a little low there don't you think? Why would a Time Lord be moonlighting on a no budget Public Access show in the first place? If Doctor What ever met Eric Cartman from South Park, Eric Cartman would rip on his ass and never stop making fun of him.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Welcome to the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie "Time Out" everybody. Are you three here as Crew Members on set? Before we can allow you to run around the general area, I'm going to need to see your Warner Brothers Studio passes.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
We didn't come here to work on the set. We came here to stop a vicious on set accident. Can you take us to John Landis? Maybe he'll listen to reason if we confront him in person and use Logic as our best weapon.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
I'm sorry, but in regards to John Landis. Nobody sees the Great Oz. Not nobody not no how. Is there anything else I can help you with?
JOE DANTE:
You could give us a tour around the set while we're waiting for Tonight's Film Shoot to go down. I'll gladly accept that as a consolation prize.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Why are you under the impression that there's about to be an on set accident? Warner Brothers Productions are usually the safest working environment that you could work in. And for that matter, why does this guy look like Steven Spielberg's Grandfather.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Because I am Steven Spielberg's grandfather. I'm sure he'd be just thrilled to see me in person on set.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Steven Spielberg isn't working on set today. In fact, this is supposed to be the last day on the production shooting schedule.
GEORGE MILLER:
That's what you think. This Film Shoot is a Total Disaster waiting to happen. You might just say that John Landis is about to get away with murder.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
You're not really Steven Spielberg's Grandfather are you?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Well no shit Sherlock. I'm Director Steven Spielberg from the Future.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
You're so funny Steven.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
If you think I'm funny, wait until Vic Morrow hears the Punchline. Tonight's War Scene is going to be a fucking scream from the pits of Hell.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
So you're from the future. And you really believe that John Landis is going to get away with murder on the set of a Major Hollywood Motion Picture.
GEORGE MILLER:
Not only that, but John Landis' unethical actions as a director got all of us dragged into a Courtroom Investigation. Fuck John Landis and Fuck his Film Career.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
So what were all of you planning to do with John Landis? Confront him or Murder him in Cold Blood?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Have you considered firing him or poisoning his Coffee Breaks yet? No, well okay then, now that the gang's all here, Let's Go Save Vic Morrow.
FADE OUT:
Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow - Walk with Me Vic
FADE IN:
EXT. TWILIGHT ZONE THE MOVIE BEHIND THE SCENES SET - DAY
VIC MORROW and JOHN LANDIS.
JOHN LANDIS:
Vic Morrow. I need to speak with you for a moment. Walk with me Vic. Walk with me here. Because it's brainstorming time for Johnny and Vicky. May I offer you a snort of coke Vic? INTERN! BRING OUT THE ROYAL COCAINE!
GILDA RADNER comes walking out in a dress that reveals her breasts.
GILDA RADNER:
Where would you like it Mister Director?
JOHN LANDIS:
I don't know about you Vic, but nothing strikes up the creative senses and gets my juices flowing than a line of cocaine snorted straight off of an Intern's Tits.
JOHN LANDIS takes a snort.
JOHN LANDIS:
I've got it! The Idea! The Big Picture! It's come crashing through my mind like a Bolt of Lightning! Wait for it! Wait for it! I've got it! Why thank you Madame. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You may kiss the royal ring.
GILDA RADNER:
I'd rather you kiss the royal clitoris Mister Director.
JOHN LANDIS:
In due time Madame. In due time. Walk with me Vic. Walk with me. Dance with Me Vic. A little Foxtrot Tango around the Film Crew and RIGHT THIS WAY TO SATURDAY! OKIE DOKIE KAROAKE! HERE WE FUCKING GO! BUCKAROO BANZAI IS BLAST OFF! It's Magic Time for Johnny and Vicky! Are you ready to hear my idea to save this movie?
VIC MORROW:
I was unaware that this movie needed saving to begin with? What's wrong with the footage that we've already shot?
JOHN LANDIS:
I'll tell you what's wrong with it Vic. It lacks empathy. You're a total asshole Vic. How are we supposed to draw the Audience in so that they relate to your Adventure when you're an Outspoken Racist Asshole? Just who the hell are we making this movie for in the first place? The fucking Klu Klux Klan? I just came off of directing a Black Audience Musical called The Blues Brothers, that's a fucking change of pace. Let's make a Musical for the Black Neighborhoods then run them off with a movie about Racist Assholes. You know what else grinds my gears about the Producers on this movie? I just directed a Gypsy Curse Werewolf movie called An American Werewolf in London, and what did our fucking idiot investors do? They put me in an anthology film with that fucking hack Joe Dante who made his own inferior werewolf movie called The Howling. Why the fuck would anybody hire TWO different Werewolf Directors onto the same goddamn Anthology Film with NO FUCKING WEREWOLVES in sight. THIS IS A FUCKING CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME ISN'T IT! OR MAYBE THAT'S THE COCAINE TALKING, NONETHELESS!
VIC MORROW:
Nobody is conspiring against you John, it's just a coincidence.
JOHN LANDIS:
Oh you think so is it? We're supposed to be working together but do you know what this anthology production really is? It's a fucking Rat Race where Four Different Directors are competing with each other for the fucking Grand Prize of who directed the best segment. It happens every single goddamn time! No matter how talented you are, some little shit who is younger than you and better than you will come along and make something that's better than what you did. Fuck that Vic. The Howling is a fucking Horrible Movie. You don't think there's a conspiracy going on here? Let me tell you Vic. Dee Wallace was in the Howling with Joe Dante. Dee Wallace was in ET the Extra Terrestrial with Steven Spielberg. Steven Spielberg is working on the Twilight Zone and NOW JOE DANTE IS WORKING ON THE FUCKING MOVIE JUST SO HE CAN FLIP ME OFF BECAUSE OF MY WORK ON AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON! The only reason I'm giving Steven Spielberg a free pass is because his segment with Scatman Crothers has nothing to do with Horror Movies. Steven Spielberg been a total fucking pussy ever since he secretly directed Poltergeist for Tobe Hooper after his On Set Nervous Breakdown. According to the amount of Footage that Spielberg directed, Poltergeist was HIS MOVIE, and he refused to take credit for it because he didn't want to stab Tobe Hooper in the back when they had Contractual Obligations together. It's as if he got his one taste of Horror into his system and then he turned his back on it and rejected it saying, "Fuck this, NO MORE!" Spineless Spielberg, that's what we should be calling him. So here I am on this picture. What is is Time Out? Is it a World War II Movie? Is it a Klu Klux Klan movie? Is it a Vietnam War movie? This film segment is falling apart because it's falling through the cracks, and here I am stuck in the middle of this mess with only you by my side, and a few movies under my belt like The Blues Brothers Musical and a Gypsy Curse Werewolf movie that might as well have put a Death Curse on my career!
VIC MORROW:
Speaking of which, how's Dan Aykroyd doing? I hear he's got a walk on role in this movie.
JOHN LANDIS:
Who Aykroyd? I haven't seen him since John Belushi's funeral. FUCK ME! THERE WE GO AGAIN! We had the Blues Brothers Sequel all lined up and what does John Belushi do to me! He fucking goes out and dies on me from a Drug Overdose and there goes the fucking Blues Brothers Franchise! And it's all a fucking conspiracy against me! Or maybe that's the Cocaine Talking, Nonetheless! Walk with me Vic. Walk with me here. It's Conspiracy Time for Johnny and Vicky. Do you fucking realize how many decades it's going to take to find some fat ass actor of John Belushi's caliber to replace him on the Blues Brothers? John Belushi was fucking magic, and like a Black Magic Candle, Fate just fucking Blew out his Light. By the time this fucking sequel gets made we could be calling it The Blues Brothers 2000. Nobody wants to see a fucking sequel that's two decades late and stars a different actor! Imagine if Steven Spielberg went out and made a sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark, only instead of Harrison Ford, we're getting Geriatric Old as Dirt Harrison Ford trying to relive his youthful glory days. Man I've got to tell you, the future sucks because Age Makes Fools of Us All! Fuck Geriatric Indiana Jones! Walk with me Vic. Walk with me here. It's Brainstorming time for Johnny and Vicky.
VIC MORROW:
So your big fucking plan to save this movie is to make Audiences empathize with this Cocksucking Racist Asshole just so you can compete with Three Other Hollywood Directors because they happen to be more Talented than you are? Do you know what we call this in the Film Industry? Archie Bunker from All in the Family. Now I didn't sign up for this film just to play a Carbon Copy of Archie Bunker. I signed up to play a Racist Asshole who gets his ass handed to him by Fate and Karma! Based on how this guy was fucking written, I hope he fucking drops dead! I hope the Goddess of Death smites his miserable racist ass off the face of planet earth! And do you want to know why? BECAUSE I AM AN ASSHOLE IN REAL LIFE! This role promised to pay me the most money for the least amount of acting, if you can even call this dogshit acting. So I insulted a few Darkies in a Bar, then I run towards the Nazis, then I run away from the Nazis, I hide with the Chinks, then I run away from the Chinks, I run through Vietnam, they fire bullets, I duck. Bing Bam Boom! Arrest this asshole and ship him off to a Concentration Camp so he can be Gassed in the Showers and Cremated in Fiery Ovens with the Jews. It's a fucking Happy Ending for Everyone in the Audience Already. Cut and Print! That's the future of fucking acting for you! Action Movies are going to completely kill the art form someday until the only scripted lines that we are going to get are: "Get Down!" "Watch out!" "Run and Save Yourselves!" "Get Naked and make love to me Barbara because you're my Whore!" Fuck Hollywood Action Movies! I signed up to be in the Twilight Zone Sci Fi movie, not a fucking Dirty Dozen film!
JOHN LANDIS:
Walk with me Vic. Walk with me here. It's Solution time for Johnny and Vicky! Let me paint you a bigger picture with a much broader canvas! We've been phoning it in on the War Sequences during this movie when really we should be going BIG! I'm talking Big Big Big! We're going to throw Raiders of the Lost Ark out the fucking window and Bury It in the fucking Sahara Desert! We've got a piggybank full of Studio Money to play with and we're shooting in Vietnam! It's time to Raid the Bank and Pass Out the Oscar Awards to John Landis! That'll plant the asses in those seats and give Spineless Spielberg and Joe Dante a fucking run for their money! Snort this up your imagination and shove this up your mind! Bill Connor, RACIST ASSHOLE EXTRAORDINAIRE, is strolling through the Jungles of Vietnam come nightfall! Bill Connor is tired, confused, running for his life, and who does he come across? Two Gook Children, probably out late because their mothers are Vietnamese Hookers, and the whole area is Flooded. Suddenly like Hellfire from up above, these American Helicopters come to stalk them down like Flight of the Valkyries from Apocalpyse Now. Where do Bill Connor and the Two Children go for safety? All of the huts behind them start exploding throughout the air. Just one amazing explosion after another. So what does Bill Connor do in this moment of decision? He takes matters into his own hands and becomes a fucking hero. He picks up both of those Gook Children, one underneath each arm, and he wades through the waters of Vietnam while the Explosions are under fire behind him, and the American Helicopters are stalking him from above. Bill Connor's life no longer matters to him anymore. It's all about the Children. He's just trying to save the Gook Children. What do these Gook Children have to live for? Who fucking cares Vic? It's a fucking movie! All that matters is the MOMENT Vic. That's what we're after here. The Great Hollywood Cinematic Moment. Francis Ford Coppola's Apocalypse Now has so many great moments in it already. You've got the USO Show with the Three Playboy Playmates. You've got the Bridge Sequence where nobody knows who is in charge. The Opening Credits don't even show up in the film until the Third Act of the Movie, and where did Francis Ford Coppola draw all of his inspiration from? Cocaine. That motherfucking Genius was High on Cocaine. And that's my secret weapon on this movie Vic. We're locked stocked and loaded with Francis Ford Coppola's secret weapon to take us into the Land of Imagination with Dreamfinder. And all we have to do is reach out for it tonight on a closed set and take it. I've already booked the two child actors from the Local Nearby Village and they are excited as fuck to work with you.
VIC MORROW:
With me? Where the fuck did those kids see any of my movies from?
JOHN LANDIS:
I told their parents you were the next Marlon Brando. Fuck them, they'll never tell the difference anyways. How often do people around here go to the Theater? Their parents don't even know who Marlon Brando is, they're just stoked that their Gook Children get to be in a Hollywood movie with Director Superstar John Landis from The Blues Brothers! Can you believe this shit? They don't even realize that Children aren't supposed to be up this late on the set of a Hollywood Movie. We can just bribe them off under the table and nobody will ever tell the difference.
VIC MORROW:
You bribed their fucking parents?! Do they even realize what this movie is about?
JOHN LANDIS:
Don't be such a Negative Nancy Vic. Walk with me Vic. Walk with me here. It's Epilogue Time for Johnny and Vicky. Dance with me Vic. Dance with me here. Tonight is the night that's going to chance our lives forever. You're not just going to be saving one life on set. You're going to be saving FOUR LIVES. There's you, the Two Gook Children, AND, you'll be saving my film career. You have my appreciation in advance and the fucking Oscar Award goes to John Landis and his Special Effects Crew. When this night is over and Twilight Zone The Movie gets released in theaters, those Gook Children's Parents are going to have stories to tell about this film shoot for the rest of their lives. If anything, their family will never be the same again. Who knows, they may even get a few newspapers they can frame just for the memories.
VIC MORROW:
All right. I'm in. So basically... if we want to finish this movie... I'm going to have to wade through the River Styx and take one last walk through Vietnam Hell, is that right? And what if I were to refuse?
JOHN LANDIS:
You're forgetting something Vic Morrow. This is why Hollywood has their Actors under Contract. And your Devil's Bargain contract doesn't clear until Tomorrow Morning's Dawn. You might just say that I'm the Devil, and I've got ownership of your Soul all through the Night. For just one more night, I own your ass, lock stock and barrel. And make no mistake Vic. Your walk through the River Styx to save those Two Gook Children is going to be ONE HELL OF A NIGHT! It's too bad our co-director Spineless Spielberg isn't going to be around to see this Film Shoot Go Down. But hey, you never know, when it's all over, we could send him a VHS tape just for the memories. Walk with me Vic. Walk with me here. It's Magic Time for Johnny and Vicky. Come on Vic, we've got Four Ambitious Major Hollywood Directors working on this anthology film. What could possibly go wrong during the last few nightly hours of shooting? A little stroll through the knee deep waters of Vietnam isn't going to kill you. Statistically speaking, you have a higher chance of a fucking Helicopter landing on your head than having your career destroyed by a Sure Thing like this movie. Walk with me Vic. Walk with me here. It's Magic Time for Johnny and Vicky. Everybody get the Crew together. We've got a big night tonight. This is going to be the shoot of our lives. If anything, this will most definitely be the one that I'll be remembered for. And when everybody on the Film Crew sees what we're about to do together, they're going to be talking about this war segment scene for decades!
Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow: George Miller's Bargain
FADE IN:
EXT. TARDIS - SET OF TWILIGHT ZONE THE MOVIE - DAY
We see GEORGE MILLER appear outside the TARDIS.
CUT TO:
INT. TARDIS - DAY
SKULD:
George Miller? What are you doing back here? The Time Travel Mission to Save Vic Morrow is out there remember?
DAN AYKROYD:
If you're planning to try and talk your way out of this, Chronos from Yggdrasil HQ is about punch your number and induce you to die of a Fatal Heart Attack. That'll be your fault, not mine.
GEORGE MILLER:
Wait! Wait! I'm not backing out! I'm not backing out at all! I've just come to parlay with you both... I've got a little Time Travel Logic to discuss with you.
SKULD:
We're Both Listening. What do you have to say?
GEORGE MILLER:
Well it's like this. Your ability to Time Travel has got me thinking. Vic Morrow isn't the only one who died from the Hekate Curse of Twilight Zone: The Movie. Hekate also death cursed my Producing Partner Byron Kennedy in the same year that Twilight Zone: The Movie was released... The Year 1983. Byron Kennedy represents an alternate road that we could have taken with the TARDIS and in my particular case, attempting to save Byron Kennedy, who died in a Helicopter Accident not so different from Vic Morrow, well... You see, I was on location when happened. I know everything that went on that day. Taking me back to July 17, 1983 to Warragamba Dam in New South Wales, Australia makes sense because I can actually do something positive to solve that problem. Right? Right?
DAN AYKROYD:
Oh Certainly George Miller. Certainly. I mean, after all, it doesn't really make sense for you to be on the John Landis set of Twilight Zone: The Movie "Time Out" because you weren't even working on that set that day. You were working on a completely different part of the movie somewhere else.
GEORGE MILLER:
Exactly! You hit the nail right on the head Dan Aykroyd! Right on the fucking head! We've already got Four People on location here to deal with Vic Morrow. There's Steven Spielberg, Joe Dante, Urd, and Heather The Intern. All we need to save Byron Kennedy's Life from that Fatal Accident is Director George Miller aka Myself. Now hear me out here. I say, we take the TARDIS on a little side mission here, leaving the others on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie, and then we hunt down Byron Kennedy. Yes! Yes! Is that a bargain?
DAN AYKROYD:
Sorry George. But you're going to have to try a little harder than that. What were you planning to bargain with anyways? Hekate already has your soul. That's why Byron Kennedy died in the first place. Hekate blood sacrificed Byron Kennedy as payment for manipulating your Directors Career as a Greek Muse. Everybody's got to pay the piper George. Just like a Lannister always pays his debts. Take Matt Stone and Trey Parker for example. They wanted a Hit Television Show called South Park that featured Satan as a main recurring character. Satan gave them both fame and fortune in return. So how did they both reciprocate the favor? They turned Satan into a Homosexual Submissive Little Bitch who was getting fucked in the ass by Sadam Hussein in South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut. Big Mistake. When Matt Stone and Trey Parker stabbed The Devil in the back with that movie, he took Mary Kay Bergman's life as a Blood Sacrifice. And then Satan came back later for Isaac Hayes. Matt Stone and Trey Parker personally paid for their South Park Devil's Bargain with the Blood on their Hands of their co-workers. No different than what happened to George Miller and Byron Kennedy.
SKULD:
And while we're at it. Why shouldn't we make an additional side mission to save Jerry Bruckheimer's Producing Partner Don Simpson. He died on January 19th 1996 because he was mixing Cocaine with Prescription Medications. I'm sure Jerry Bruckheimer would pay us a King's Ransom if we used the TARDIS to travel back in time to save Don Simpson's life. Am I right George? Am I right?
GEORGE MILLER:
Exactly. In the Hollywood Film Industry, do you know what we call this kind of creative thinking? Capitalism. You see Skuld, when you've got a great product, such as this replica of the TARDIS in BBC's Doctor Who, you have to think outside the box and ponder all of the Financial Possibilities. Even Time Lords and Angels of Death such as Dan Aykroyd here have to eat and support themselves. Money Makes the World Go Round. Now I'm not saying that you should misuse the TARDIS to get Rich Quick like Michael J Fox in Back to the Future. I'm saying, why not use the TARDIS to save lives.
DAN AYKROYD:
We already did. We offered all of you the chance to save Vic Morrow because we knew it was a deeply traumatic event in your films careers. But it appears that our little gesture and kindness has been taken for granted here. Apparently saving the life of one man named Vic Morrow isn't good enough for our buddy George here. Haven't you ever heard of taking Baby Steps. The entire reason we're performing this experiment in Time Travel is so that Chronos at Yggdrasil HQ can safely monitor what happens to the Timeline when you attempt to intervene in a man's life.
GEORGE MILLER:
I understand. I hear and register you loud and clear. And I'm not saying that saving Vic Morrow's life is a bad thing, it's just that, I have more of a personal relationship with Byron Kennedy.
SKULD:
Sure you do. You're both a regular modern day film producer team like Ebenezer Scrooge and Jacob Marley.
GEORGE MILLER:
Well I wouldn't phrase our working relationship like that. Ouch. I openly admit that while the whole Don Simpson idea sounds nice on paper, that's more or less producer Jerry Bruckheimer's problem, not mine. It's not my fault that Don Simpson was taking drugs like John Belushi and Chris Farley. Don Simpson knew the risk he was taking so his death is all on him. And Jerry Bruckheimer isn't suffering. I'm sure he's got at least Twenty More Pirates of the Caribbean films left in him. But Byron Kennedy had so much more to offer the world than what happened to him. If your motivation for saving Vic Morrow's life is based on Hekate's Guilt Trip for cursing Twilight Zone: The Movie, then how is Byron Kennedy's Situation any different than Vic Morrow? If anything, this Adventure could become a Two for One Sale that's beneficial to all four of us who worked on the Twilight Zone Movie.
SKULD:
But George, if we were to save Byron Kennedy, then who is going to write and direct Happy Feet or Babe Pig in the City? That Babe Pig in the City sequel has pretty much become a Cult Classic Oddity in its own right because it's such a delightfully bizarre and weird form of cinema.
GEORGE MILLER:
Excuse me? Okay I know I directed both of those Children's Franchises, but come on Skuld, I had to do something productive after I lost my Production Partner. Making movies for children just seemed like the Safer Road to Travel than putting people at risk by directing Action Stunts.
SKULD:
But George, you're forgetting something. I'm the Goddess of Death. And I'm eternally suspended in the form of a Child. I like Kids Movies like Babe Pig in the City and Happy Feet. They appeal to my demographic. And as one of the Goddesses of Fate I am also cursed to know the future. And I don't mean part of the future. I mean ALL OF IT. Yes, I looked into your future during Twilight Zone: The Movie, and realized that if you were given a little incentive in the form of say, a Traumatizing Accidental Death in the Producer Family, your Film Career might be tempted to go down a different road. And I was right. My reward for separating you from Byron Kennedy was the Babe and Happy Feet franchises. And George, I would never trade those children's movie back to you in exchange for Byron Kennedy's life, not even if it resulted in ten more sequels to Mad Max Fury Road and A Thousand Years of Longing with Idris Elba.
GEORGE MILLER:
But... but... you're saying you Set up and Murdered Byron Kennedy so that I WOULD HAVE A FUCKING CAREER IN CHILDREN'S FILMS?! WHAT THE HOLY FUCK SKULD! WHO THE HELL GOES OUT AND PLANS A STUNT LIKE THAT! WHAT YOU'VE DONE CLASSIFIES AS PRE-MEDITATED MURDER!
SKULD:
You're forgetting something George. I'm a Norse Mythology Goddess from Pagan Heaven. The Homicide Police Officers and FBI Agents down on Earth don't believe in my existence. Which means I can get away with Death Cursing pretty much anybody that catches my fancy and leaves me in a state of amusement. Yeah I've got to tell you. It's wonderful being the Goddess of Death when there's nothing to watch on Late Night Television. Much as we Demons love Saturday Night Live, they only air new episodes once a week. Whenever I want to Change the Channel Content on Television or at the Movie Theaters, all I have to do is kill somebody in the Hollywood Industry and then Hekate manipulates their Film Careers like they're her Puppets or a Human Remote Control. Take Kevin Neece for example. Kevin Neece tried to walk away from the Ah My Goddess series, so we murdered his nephew Dylan Gutierrez and it resulted in Kevin Neece continuing the series with Marller Gets a Spinoff. We like to refer to this method of Death and Manipulation as The Foo Fighters Effect.
DAN AYKROYD:
I can explain this one. Kurt Cobain was suffering from incurable Stomach Pains and a Terrible Relationship with Courtney Love. So we put him out of his misery, and what happened? It resulted in the creation of The Foo Fighters. Now, you wouldn't dare travel back in time to save Kurt Cobain's life now would you? If you did, we would never have gotten the Foo Fighters, and they never would have made a movie for the Demon Realm called Studio 666. And then Taylor Hawkins never would have been Blood Sacrificed like the Demon Realm version of the Domino Effect. You dig my logic here George?
GEORGE MILLER:
I don't understand any of this. It's as if you've secretly been the Demon Villains hiding behind the scenes of our Lives like Puppeteers and this whole mission to save Vic Morrow was just an excuse for you both to toy with us and manipulate us as a form of Purgatory Punishment.
SKULD:
Bingo! You figured it out! Pull back the Prize Curtain Vanna White and show George Miller what he's won!
GEORGE MILLER:
But what did any of us ever do to all of you to deserve this? All we've done with our lives is try to entertain people who go to the movies. If anything, we've offered the entire World an escape from their dismal reality of day to day life.
SKULD:
What did all of you do to deserve this? Nothing actually. We just love to fuck with Hollywood Actors and Directors because Hollywood is the most corrupt place on Earth. For example, think back to what Steven Spielberg originally said when we pitched him this adventure to save Vic Morrow's life. His exact words were, "Fuck Vic Morrow, who is going to save Heather O'Rourke from the Producers of Poltergeist III?" Now that is a very interesting question. I can actually say that I related to Heather O'Rourke's exploitation by Film Industry Pedophiles because my image on Ah My Goddess was exploited by the Hentai Porn Industry meaning that there are Hentai Porn Mangas floating around online where Skuld is put on display as a form of Pedophilia Pornography. You would think that because of this I would have taken some form of pity on Heather O'Rourke's situation and somewhere deep down I do. But like you just said about Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer, Heather O'Rourke has her problems and I've got mine, and never the two shall meet.
DAN AYKROYD:
Georgie My Boy. I'm going to make you a Deal. Call this a Devil's Bargain so to speak. Even though you've got nothing to trade right now, you've reached out to me, and your logic truly does speak to my Grisly Black Demon Heart. So I'm going to do you a Solid George, just like Marlon Brando in the Godfather. We're going to make you an offer that you cannot refuse. And someday in the future, you can repay us back when we approach you for a favor when we're in trouble. Do we have a bargain?
GEORGE MILLER:
Are you saying that you're actually going to help me use the TARDIS to save Byron Kennedy's life? You mean I've won? I've successfully talked my way out of saving Vic Morrow from the Irresponsible Actions of John Landis?
DAN AYKROYD:
Well, more or less, what I'm saying is that after tonight's mission to save Vic Morrow, both you and Byron Kennedy are going to be re-united for an Eternity. In fact, you might just say that like John Belushi and Chris Farley, George Miller and Byron Kennedy are going to be inseparable. So tell me George, do we have a bargain? Are you ready to be re-united with Byron Kennedy after all these years.
GEORGE MILLER:
What does the Fine Print read on this Demonic Contract? Is this going to be in Contractual Print or have all of your Wish Contracts gone Digital now?
SKULD:
I'm sorry, did you just save "Fine Print"? What do you think this is, Dudley Moore's Bedazzled? We already have your soul lock stock and barrel. That's why you were Greek Muse manipulated by Hekate into directing The Witches of Eastwick with Jack Nicholson from The Shining as Satan. The Three Witches in the movie are stand ins for the Three Fates Urd Verdandi and Skuld from Ah My Goddess. We already own your ass from your Head down to your Heart down to your Toes, we're just offering you a trade in favors, no different than a deal you might have made with a Mafia Family. Now once again, do we have a Devil's Bargain? Your Human Soul Energy in trade for your Eternal Reunion with Byron Kennedy. That's the Offer we're putting on the table right now. Take it or Leave it, the choice is yours. But if you refuse this offer, you still have to exit the TARDIS and help Steven Spielberg save Vic Morrow's life at the Risk of your Own.
GEORGE MILLER:
Okay then... okay... I'll take that Deal. So how are we going to do this? Does Dan Aykroyd need to do any research to find the proper coordinates in the Time Space Continuum to find Byron Kennedy before his Helicopter Accident? I can help you with that.
DAN AYKROYD:
None of that is necessary George. We already know where Byron Kennedy is. In fact, while we've been chatting, Skuld input Byron Kennedy's coordinates into the TARDIS Circuits and we've already arrived. Now is that Quick and Efficient Uber Cab Service or what? You don't even have to Tip the Driver. All you have to do is step out the TARDIS front door and you will be reunited with Byron Kennedy for the rest of your life. It's been a Pleasure doing business with you George. Thank You for all of your Film Contributions to the Demon Realm. And Thank You for your Contributions to Children's Cinema. And before you go, never forget, someday you're going to be seeing me again, and on that day, you will return the Favor. Adios Amigo. Your Role in this Time Travel Adventure is officially over. Out the TARDIS doors you go!
GEORGE MILLER:
Thank you. Thank you both. You won't regret this and you have my word that I will return the Favor someday.
CUT TO:
EXT. TARDIS - NIFLHEIM CHAMBER ROOM
GEORGE MILLER steps off the TARDIS only to discover that he is in the Royal Palace from HELL presented in ADAM SANDLER'S LITTLE NICKY.
GEORGE MILLER:
Wait a minute. What is all of this?
BYRON KENNEDY:
It's HELL George. You just sold your Soul to the Demon Realm in trade for my companionship. And now because of you we both get to spend our Eternity in HELL forever. Or as all of us in Niflheim refer to it, the "Happiest Place on Earth". This fucking place is like a trip to fucking Disneyland only it's a Thousand Times more miserable than waiting in line for Splash Mountain so we can watch Racist Animatronics from Song of the South.
GEORGE MILLER:
Actually I find Niflheim to be quite lovely this time of year...
BYRON KENNEDY:
I've got news for you George Miller, I never went to Hell when I died. I've been living the good life in Heaven ever since I died and now because of you I get to spend an Eternity by your side in HELL. How could you do it George? How could you throw your life away when you only had a few years left on your lifespan anyways. Now you owe your allegiance to the Angel of Death and that fucking little Brat from the Ah My Goddess Anime Series. You may have been willing to make this trade for me, but I sure as fuck would never have sold my soul to the Demon Realm for you. Knowing what I know about the Afterlife now, if our places had been switched, I would have said FUCK GEORGE MILLER and kept on living my life on earth for as long as reasonably possible.
GEORGE MILLER:
You shut your Dirty Hobo Dick Cheese Tramp Mouth Byron Kennedy! I always knew you were kind of an Asshole behind close doors so none of this really surprises me. But you were also an Asshole who knew how to make me laugh. And cry. I cried for days after your funeral. I virtually left Action Movies behind because of what happened to you. And to all of this I say, Fuck it. That's the nature of a Devil's Bargain right? What else could I have been expecting?
BYRON KENNEDY:
But you're overlooking the main issue here. We're still going to be spending an Eternity in Hell together, even if we're never separated. Having said that, it's good to have you back by my side. I've missed you too. So, you think Steven Spielberg and Joe Dante are going to be able to save Vic Morrow on their own without you?
GEORGE MILLER:
Even if they don't, it's not my problem anymore! Now Let's get ourselves a Good Seat and watch Spineless Spielberg Save Vic Morrow.
FADE OUT:
Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow: Let's Hobble John Landis
FADE IN:
EXT. TWILIGHT ZONE VIETNAMESE SET BEHIND THE SCENES - DAY
STEVEN SPIELBERG, JOE DANTE, and HEATHER THE INTERN are brainstorming way to sabotage JOHN LANDIS film production.
JOE DANTE:
Steven I've got it! So we couldn't use the time machine to travel back to pre-production and fire John Landis or Dan Aykroyd. BUT, 99% of film shooting on "Time Out" had already been completed on the day that Vic Morrow had his tragic accident. What if John Landis were, persay, hindered by some sort of "on set accident"? Something that would delay filming?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
I don't know if we have the planning abilities to make anything look like an accident today. We're past the point of insanity where hobbling John Landis leg with a sledgehammer like Stephen King's Misery is the only sane option left. Wait a minute! That's it! Bing! Bam! Boom! Problem Solved! It's been staring us in the face all along! Why haven't we tried to violently assault John Landis in the first place?
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Because if you both failed, Film Set Security would capture you both immediately and kick you off the set or have you arrested and thrown into a Vietnamese Jail Cell. To that matter, why would you critically injure John Landis at all when you can just shoot the poor man in the head with a pistol and put his future failed career out of its own misery?
JOE DANTE:
No Heather the Intern. We came here to SAVE VIC MORROW. Adding more victims to our Body Count defeats the entire purpose of us being here in the first place.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
I'm not suggesting that we actually terminate John Landis lifespan, I'm just saying, is it really such a bad thing to Hobble a dear trusted old friend's broken leg when the entire point and purpose is to save him from himself and his future failed career?
JOE DANTE:
Exactly. This isn't an "attack" Heather the Intern. This is more like a Violent Intervention among friends and family members. For example, when a person with a broken leg visits a Doctor in the Hospital, sometimes the Doctor is forced to break their leg a second time just so that they can reset the bones in their leg and it will properly heal. Just like we're trying to reset John Landis' Future Career and set his life back on the right track again so that he never directs The Stupids with Tom Arnold, or Innocent Blood with Robert Loggia, or Blues Brothers 2000 with the Angel of Death Dan Aykroyd. You know, for the piece of mind and sanity of Theater Goers everywhere. Now, that Doctor isn't really a bad man for breaking his leg twice now is he? Not when he's just trying to reset his leg so that it can heal. He's just doing his job.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Are you both sure that hobbling John Landis' leg isn't secretly about revenge and satisfying your own personal vendetta's for all of the pain and misery and suffering that John Landis future court case put your careers through?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
No no no no, yes, a little, a bit a bit. More like a consolation prize against a despicable asshole dropped into our laps as a Gift from the Three Goddesses of Fate. Now, you can't argue with the Fates now can you Heather the Intern? Alrighty then, let's go Save Vic Morrow! That reminds me: does anybody know where we can find a Sledgehammer?
PHIL HARTMAN steps into frame with a SLEDGEHAMMER!
PHIL HARTMAN:
Perhaps I could be of assistance!
JOE DANTE:
I'm sorry. Who the fuck are you?
PHIL HARTMAN:
Why I'm Larry the Sledgehammer Man!
Gifting Sledgehammers from Land to Land! When Motherfuckers Get Toked!
Their Legs Get Broke! And I'm Happy to Lend You a Hand!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Oh My Goddess! You're a Lifesaver Larry the Sledgehammer Man! However can we repay you?
PHIL HARTMAN:
Well if you want to make me happy, try this Sledgehammer on for size!
JOE DANTE:
Steven, you should try out this Wonderful Amazing Sledgehammer... it's as if I'm being bestowed with Excalibur by the Lady of the Lake! Like a Virgin! Touched for the Very First Time!
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Okay, we need to stop joking around here and devise a realistic strategy to Distract John Landis on his way to the set!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
I've got an idea!
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Hit me with it! I'm open!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
When John Landis comes walking around the corner, you can jump in front of him, rip open your shirt, and flash him with your Huge Luscious Naked Tits! That'll definitely distract John Landis!
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Excuse me?
JOE DANTE:
Well, look at it this way. John Landis is so high and mighty on his Director's Ego Trip right now that he isn't going to take any notice of some Regular Run of the Mill Gofer Film Intern running coffee orders around on set. If you really want to get John Landis attention, one of us is going to have to take one for the team and flash him our naughty parts. And right now, you're the only one with a Luscious Set of Huge Distracting Tits that might appeal to him.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Fuck me, Joe Dante is right.
(sarcastic)
Hooray for Feminism!
(realization)
Wait a minute... what's so fucking distracting about my Luscious Huge Naked Tits when every woman on set has them?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Yes, but not every woman has the guts to show them to get ahead in the Film Entertainment Industry.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Fuck me, Steven Spielberg is right.
JOE DANTE:
At this point in John Landis career, I doubt even a beautiful set of Huge Luscious Naked Tits such as yours is even going to be enough to get his full undivided attention. Heather the Intern may just have to go the "Full Monty" to pull this one off. Like a Sexual Superhero.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
What do you mean, "The Full Monty"?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
We mean... you're going to have to go Full Frontal Naked like a Flasher... in fact, I think we have a Pervert Trench Coat lying around wardrobe somewhere. You can wear this Pervert Trench Coat to cover yourself, then when John Landis comes walking around the corner: Bing! Bam! Boom! Flash him some Tits and Ass! Maybe shove and grind your Pussy in his face like a John Waters movie! Bing! Bam! Boom! Problem Solved! That might throw John Landis off guard just long enough for Joe Dante to swing in like Tarzan and hobble that bastard's fucking leg with a sledgehammer just Stephen King's Misery. This might actually work. No it could most definitely work. It may even be working already.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Again with this Stephen King's Misery? What is Stephen King's Misery? Isn't that the guy who wrote Carrie and The Shining and Creepshow?
JOE DANTE:
It's 1983 Steven. That Stephen King book hasn't even been adapted into a movie yet.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
If you're both really from the future, then who is the Director?
JOE DANTE:
Rob Reiner from All in the Family.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Oh that's a likely candidate! Have you even watched This is Spinal Tap? That Rockumentary fucking sucked ass!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Wait until The Sure Thing and The Princess Bride hit theaters. Then you'll really be disgusted.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Not as disgusted as what you're both asking me to do right now. Give me that fucking flasher trench coat and let's get this the fuck over with! We're saving Vic Morrow and sending you two Back to the Future!
JOHN LANDIS comes walking around the Corner. HEATHER THE INTERN jumps out in front of him and opens up her Trench Coat flashing her Naked Body underneath.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Hey Big Boy! Looking for a Good Time!
JOHN LANDIS:
Security! Somebody get this woman off set!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Let's nail the motherfucker now! Get him!
STEVEN SPIELBERG jumps JOHN LANDIS from behind and wraps his arms around his throat while he falls to the ground. Then JOE DANTE breaks JOHN LANDIS leg with a Sledgehammer. JOHN LANDIS screams at the top of his lungs while STEVEN SPIELBERG, JOE DANTE, and HEATHER THE INTERN run away.
CUT TO:
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Mission Accomplished!
URD:
No Steven. Mission NOT Accomplished. You don't get to leave until Vic Morrow is past the accident point alive and well.
JOE DANTE:
Well fuck my ass and call me a bitch. What are we supposed to do until then? The Film Set Security is going to be all over us!
HEATHER THE INTERN:
I know a place where we can hide that they won't dare to go looking for... but you're not going to like it.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
You don't say? Where?
HEATHER THE INTERN:
When you guys where originally shooting this movie in Vietnam, was it a total coincidence that this set happened to be located nearby a local Vietnamese Whore House?
URD:
Are you implying that we should all pass the time by hiding out with the Vietnamese Hookers? I'm totally down for it!
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Well no, I'm saying that you might have to pay them for their time and services, otherwise they'll want nothing to do with you and throw you out.
JOE DANTE:
Steven. No. Just because we're hiding out in another time period doesn't give you the right to cheat on your wife. What would your children think of you? What I'm saying is: Let me take one for the team. I'll fuck every last one of those Vietnamese Hookers to save Vic Morrow.
URD:
Amen to that. I'll fuck those Vietnamese Hookers too! What about you Heather the Intern? Are you down for fucking Vietnamese Hookers! This is going to be like a Stanley Kubrick movie!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Now let's think about this logically here. If all of you are going to fuck Vietnamese Hookers, what am I going to do to pass the time, sit back and watch all of you have all the fun while masturbating to thoughts of Kate Capshaw! Fuck that! What Kate Capshaw doesn't know won't hurt her!
URD:
Me so horny. Me love you long time. I'll fucky fucky suck your dick for Twenty Dollars.
JOE DANTE:
Come on Steven. We live in Los Angeles. There's an entire army of Hookers waiting for you to fuck them when we get back to the our own time period. Let me fuck all of the Vietnamese Hookers! I'm going to go the fucking distance like Rocky Balboa!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
The Fuck you will! I'm not passing up the opportunity to get fucking laid on the set of Twilight Zone The Movie on the same day that Vic Morrow is going to die! If we're going down, we're going down fucking Vietnamese Hookers! You too Heather the Intern! This was your idea to begin with! No backing out for you!
JOE DANTE:
Don't you fucking dare take this from me Steven! Do you know what it's like being the Maker of Trailers from Hell? Do you Steven Spielberg! Do you! A Man has needs Steven! Carnal Needs! Needs that no Gremlins or Looney Tunes Sequel are ever going to satisfy! I need Hookers Steven! Vietnamese Hookers from the set of Twilight Zone! Because at the end of the day, I can't masturbate with the Gremlins Special Effects Puppets now can I Steven! Did you ever think about that Steven? Did you ever think about that? No! You only think about yourself and your perfect marriage with Kate Capshaw! And your six perfect children! And your perfect film career with Tom Hanks and Leonardo DiCaprio from Critters 3! No wonder The Fablemans failed to find its audience in theaters! It's because you made the entire movie about yourself! What does that tell you Steven? Does your audience really care about your private life? Do they really? No! They just love you because you gave them Jurassic Park and Ready Player One! But I don't need your perfect wife or your six perfect children or your perfect film career to be happy Steven! All I need to be happy are Hookers! Vietnamese Hookers from 1983! Located next to the set of Twilight Zone The Movie on the day Vic Morrow died! And the best part of all, is nobody will ever have to know that we did this because Time Travel isn't real!
URD:
You're not thinking clearly here Joe Dante. God is always watching. Even when you masturbate in 1983. Alrighty then! Now that we've got all of this out in the open, let's go fuck some Vietnamese Hookers and then Go Save Vic Morrow! Does anybody have any money from this Time Period? I'm a little short here.
CUT TO:
Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow - Macadamia Nuts Rule
FADE IN:
EXT. VIETNAMESE WHORE HOUSE - DAY
JOE DANTE appears.
JOE DANTE:
Well, that really hit the spot.
DAN AYKROYD:
Hey Joe. Don't It Make You Want to Go to War? Once More?
JOE DANTE:
Jesus Fuck Me Christ! It's you! Don't sneak up on me like that! Where did you come from?
DAN AYKROYD:
More than likely I came from the Seventh Circle of Hell, but that's not what's important right now. Joe Dante, I would like to have a little talk with you about an important observation I'm having right now. Macadamia Nuts. Not just any Macadamia Nuts. I'm referring to the Warner Brothers Studio Catering on this Motion Picture of Twilight Zone: The Movie. And I've got to tell you, I've been on many a film set, but when it comes to catering for the Cast and Crew Members, Warner Brothers has always gone above and beyond the call of duty, even when working within the Jungles of Vietnam. If such a Homeless Man were desperate to find a quick meal, his best bet would be to sneak onto the lot of a Warner Brothers Motion Picture so that he can chow down at the Extra's Catering Bar on Macadamia Nuts. And these Macadamia Nuts, these are a work of Heaven. Because if Heaven is a Place on Earth, then these Macadamia Nuts are exactly where Heaven can be found. They are a touch to the taste senses beyond our control.
JOE DANTE:
Are you attempting to offer me Macadamia Nuts?
DAN AYKROYD:
No. These are my Macadamia Nuts. Get your own Macadamia Nuts. Down Boy Down! Sit! Heel! If you want your own Macadamia Nuts, I would strongly advise you to hit the Warner Brothers Studio Catering Bar now while there is still time. Macadamia Nuts are a very rare delicacy indeed within the Jungles of Vietnam.
JOE DANTE:
Let me guess. You've already taken all of the Macadamia Nuts for yourself haven't you?
DAN AYKROYD:
You can clearly see right through me can't you Joe Dante? Hey John, get over here and meet Joe Dante!
JOHN BELUSHI:
So this is the Great Joe Dante? But why is he so old?
DAN AYKROYD:
I'll tell you why he's so old. It's because Joe Dante has been leading an unfulfilled life devoid of Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts such as these. And a life without Macadamia Nuts from Warner Brothers will age the Living Fuck out of Anyone because Age Makes Fools of Us All.
JOHN BELUSHI:
You hear that Joe Dante? It's first come first serve on Macadamia Nuts right now. Don't be the last one in line to get them. I remember when I was late to the party once on Saturday Night Live. It was like being the sixth man in line to perform sloppy seconds on the Designated Whore. If I had known then about Macadamia Nuts what I know about Macadamia Nuts now, I probably might have done more with my life instead of wasting myself on Drugs. You get the big picture. Choose Life Joe Dante. Choose Macadamia Nuts over Cocaine and Vietnamese Hookers. At least the Macadamia Nuts will make you Happy while you are eating them.
JOE DANTE:
It's Ironic that you should say that because, I actually have an nut allergy towards Macadamia Nuts. If I actually ate one of those I could choke to death and die.
JOHN BELUSHI:
Well, you can see right through me now can't you Joe Dante? A Life without Macadamia Nuts simply isn't a life worth living anymore is it?
DAN AYKROYD:
Haven't you ever been curious Joe Dante? Haven't you ever thrown Caution to the Wind and leaped off the Cliffs of Insanity called Day to Day Life without a Parachute, just so you could see if there were Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts waiting for you when you reached the bottom?
GILDA RADNER:
Hey everybody. What are you Three Fates doing over here? The Twilight Zone Party is over there. You see? Over there.
JOE DANTE:
And I might ask the very same of you Madame. What a Luscious Huge Set of Tits you sport indeed.
GILDA RADNER:
Everybody needs a good smoke break once in a while. Why are you Three Fates standing around doing nothing in front of a Vietnamese Whore House? The Film Set is over there. You See? Over there.
DAN AYKROYD:
It's because Joe Dante believes he's too good for Macadamia Nuts. Joe Dante thinks he's above it all. Well we'll see where your ego lands you. Because a Life without Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts cannot be a life so satisfying or fulfilled.
JOHN BELUSHI:
So happy that you took the time to mingle with the commoners Joe Dante. What's the matter, feel like you've lowered yourself to our level? Hey Joe. Don't it make you want to go to War. Once more?
JOE DANTE:
Alrighty then. Fuck it. I'll eat your fucking Macadamia Nuts if it makes you ever so happy. But if I drop dead because I ate these, it's going to be your goddamn fault Dan Aykroyd!
DAN AYKROYD:
Savor the Flavor Joe Dante. Save the Flavor. The Man who loves Macadamia Nuts is the Same Man who Laughs in the Face of Danger and Throws Caution to the Wind. I like that in a Man. You've got guts Joe Dante I can give you that. You know who else had guts? All of the soldiers who died in Vietnam. But we've got one advantage in our favor that those Soldiers from Vietnam didn't have. Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts from Warner Brothers.
JOHN BELUSHI:
Savor the Flavor Joe Dante. Savor the Flavor. Macadamia Nuts are the Cocaine and Qualudes of 1983.
JOE DANTE:
You're right. These Macadamia Nuts are good. Oh no. I think I'm starting to choke here. Medic! Medic!
DAN AYKROYD:
Do you know what this means Joe Dante? It means that at least you died Happy. Would you rather not go out after a Evening of Hot Sex with Vietnamese Hookers and a sampling of Tasty Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts? I know I would. Peace Be to You Joe Dante and May Fortune Smile Upon You Forever wherever you may go. Now Go walk with God across the Rainbow Bridge to Niflheim and when you come face to face with Hild-sama the Daimakaicho, remember to tell her it was Dan Aykroyd that sent you. I get bonus paid by my employee referrals.
JOHN BELUSHI:
Where do you think Joe Dante is going to go? Up or Down?
DAN AYKROYD:
Neither. Joe Dante is sliding sideways on the Trippy Influence of Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts. We're under orders to send these guys to the Happiest Place on Earth. Niflheim. Aka Viking Hell.
GILDA RADNER:
Ten Little Indians Went Out to Dine. One Ate Macadamia Nuts, and then there were Nine. Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Way Up High, There's a land that I've heard of, Once in a Lullaby
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Oh My Goddess! What the fucking hell happened to Joe Dante! What did you do to him Dan Aykroyd?! I thought you were supposed to be on our side!
DAN AYKROYD:
Yes but when it comes to the role of the Angel of Death, the only fairness that Fate can offer you in life is to be indiscriminate to Everybody, Good or Evil, Right or Wrong, Adult or Child, Yadda Yadda Yadda. You get the Big Picture. But that's not what's important right now.
JOHN BELUSHI:
We would like to have a little discussion with you about Macadamia Nuts. Particularly these Warner Brothers Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts. Now we've been on many a film set, but when it comes to Catering, Warner Brothers always goes far out, above and beyond the call of duty, even when their film sets are located deep within the Jungles of Vietnam. Macadamia Nuts are a Treasure Steven. It's time for you to throw Caution to the Wind, and take that Leap off of the Cliffs of Insanity that we call Day to Day Life. What I'm trying to say here is... may we interest you in a handful of these Warner Brothers Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts? It's first come first serve and it is never advised to be sixth in line for the Bachelor Party Whore.
GILDA RADNER:
Listen to this man Steven. He knows what he's talking about.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
No. No. Hell no. Fuck no. Common Sense tells me that I do not want a taste of those Macadamia Nuts. Even if they come from Warner Brothers. Not after what you did to Joe Dante. I thought you were supposed to be on our side Dan Aykroyd! What the fuck happened?
DAN AYKROYD:
We just explained it to you. Death doesn't apply his actions to any side. I'm an Equal Opportunity Non-Discriminative Team Player as I've always have been, and I offer all of my services to both sides of the Coin, both Goddess and Demon in equalibrium, no different than anyone else. And I might point out to you that if you were to accept our offer of these Lovely Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts, your Fate might still come out differently than what just happened to Joe Dante. Take a chance on us Steven. It's time for you to Throw All Caution to the Wind, and take that final leap off of the Cliffs of Insanity that we call Day to Day Life without a Parachute. Because a Man who Fears Neither Death nor Macadamia Nuts is a Man to be Reckoned with. A Man who Laughs in the Face of Adversary against his own Common Sense. A Man who has more Balls than Brains and charges his battles straight to the Front Lines. Something for you to think about.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Steven. Stop talking to Dan Aykroyd, this man is clearly the Angel of Death and he is intentionally fucking with you to distract you from your mission to save Vic Morrow. This man is not your friend. He's just playing Hooky on set so he can goof off and watch the Upcoming Fireworks Display. Nothing good can come from you eating those Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts. Nothing Good at all. Common Sense should tell you not to eat those Macadamia Nuts after seeing how they killed Joe Dante.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
But Joe Dante had an Allergic Reaction to Macadamia Nuts. He knew what could happen to him if he went out and did it anyways. Even if the Macadamia Nuts came from Warner Brothers Studio Catering.
JOHN BELUSHI:
That's exactly what we've been trying to show you Steven. Life Lessons are learned through Trial and Failure. We learn our Life Lessons from the Morals of those who Died before us because they irresponsibly threw Caution to the Wind. Those who leaped off of the Cliffs of Insanity that we call Day to Day Life without a Parachute when Common Sense should have warned them what would happen when they reached the bottom of those Cliffs with nothing to break their fall. Just because you don't believe in the Theory of Gravity, does not mean that Gravity doesn't believe in you, and when you drop a glass of water, there will always be a Fifty Fifty Shot that the Glass will smash itself to pieces when it finally hits the floor. If you reach out to John Landis and attempt to offer him the Olive Branch, and he continues along the Path of the Raven which has been destined to Self Destruct by the end of the Night, then the only person you can place the blame on is John Landis himself. Because Joe Dante knew what was probably going to happen to him when he ate those Delicious Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts. Joe Dante's Doctors warned him he had an Allergy to Macadamia Nuts the last time he went in for a Physical. But if Joe Dante can't be bothered to heed the Doctor's Advise, then why should Dan Aykroyd give Joe Dante special treatment when he laughs in the Face of Death? John Landis already knows that everything has been going wrong on set today to the point that his career is being Sabotaged. And just because you put Warner Brothers name on the Macadamia Nuts Box and place it on a Grocery Store Shelf does not mean that they are safe to eat by those who are allergic to them. Yes, sometimes people go out and do stupid shit because they saw someone else get away with it. And some people with Balls more than Brains believe that they are immortal and can get away with Testing the Fates over and over and over again. But Fate and Karma will always come Full Circle for Everybody. And the best weapon that we as Human Beings have to defend ourselves from the Fates Curse are the Common Sense that is bestowed upon us by watching the Death of Others all Around us. If everybody jumped off a cliff, would you go out and do it too? If your favorite Celebrity from Saturday Night Live died from a Drug Overdose, does that mean that you should go out and do those same Drugs yourself just so you can be just like him? Well be careful what you wish for, because some of your biggest fans will try to follow in your footsteps, even when your Life Story should have warned them what was going to happen to them if they went out and did it.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Just what are you trying to say here? That John Landis should have known better than to put himself in an unethical position where he could have been punished by the law for avoiding Child Labor Laws? Well duh, that should be obvious to everyone who ever read about Vic Morrow's death online.
JOHN BELUSHI:
No, what we're telling you is, it's time to shut your Dirty Hobo Dick Cheese Tramp Mouth and eat these Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts from Warner Brothers.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
No thank you. Not gonna do it.
JOHN BELUSHI:
And why is that? Why do you still refuse our offering of Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts when we've just told you how tasty they can be? Just because Joe Dante died from eating these Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts doesn't mean that you won't get away with it yourself. You could be the exception here Steven. You could be the one who walks away unharmed.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Because Common Sense warns me that Dan Aykroyd should not be trusted. Because Dan Aykroyd is clearly the Angel of Death and not my friend. And Common Sense should warn me not to eat those Macadamia Nuts after what just happened to Joe Dante. Because Common Sense should have warned John Landis that when everything was going wrong on set that day, perhaps he shouldn't have broken the law because he believed that the Ends would meet the Means. Because you can only Cheat the Reaper for so long in a Game of Chess before The Reaper learns how to guess all of your future moves.
GILDA RADNER:
Then don't eat these Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts. See what we care. It's your life Steven. It's your Free Will. It's a Great Big Universe Out There and No Matter How High You May have Climbed with Your Career, in the End, you are still just a little speck on Planet Earth when viewed from the Stars in Space. You still have a choice no matter what Fate that Hekate has tried to curse on your career. And what you choose to do with your Free Will shouldn't matter to those when what you do in your own life has no effect on all of them. Everybody has an opinion on Celebrities these days. But it's not their place to sit on judgment on them when those Actors and Directors are just normal people trying to live their day to day lives. That's the price of Celebrity. You lose your privacy and then everyone in the world has an opinion on your life and how you should use your Free Will. But it's not their life. It's your life. And it's your Free Will and what you choose to do with it that designs your Future and your Fate. So perhaps the future truly isn't written for all of us. Perhaps you are the exception Steven. The one who will escape. Now shut your Dirty Hobo Dick Cheese Tramp mouth, stop being such a Spineless Pussy, and try these Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts. You're not the one who suffers from Macadamia Nut Allergic Reactions. Joe Dante was.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
I am not going to eat those Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts. I don't give a damn what you three think of me or if you are sitting in judgment on my life or my career. Because it's my Free Will and what I choose to do with it has actions and consequences. And just because John Landis walked away Scott Free for what he did does not mean that John Landis deserves to get away with it Two Times in a Row. Fuck John Landis and Fuck his Entire Film Career. Now Let's Go Save Vic Morrow.
FADE OUT:
Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow - Officer Chris Farley
FADE IN:
EXT SET OF TWILIGHT ZONE THE MOVIE - DAY
It's down to STEVEN SPIELBERG and HEATHER THE INTERN and URD
URD:
Steven, we cannot hide out with the Vietnamese Hookers all day no matter how much fun we're having. We are running out of Daylight and we are running out of time. We need to think Outside the Box and develop another course of action in case John Landis comes back from the Hospital.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
If the Studio Security Guards catch all of us together, the Game will be over for all of us. The best course of action is for one of us to ride out ahead of the others as a Distraction to draw them away from the others while the rest of us try to locate and Disarm the Fire bomb Explosives and Pyrotechnics that are going to Damage the Helicopter. That's what Kings do when they go to war. They ride out first in front of the Men where they could easily be killed. Otherwise, what other reason would their men have to follow them if they believed that their King who wants them to sacrifice their lives in Battle is a Coward like John Landis. And make no mistake, no matter how much Bark John Landis will try to use against us, deep in his heart, he still has the Bite of a Coward with a Set of False Teeth.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
What makes you so sure to believe that John Landis is a coward?
URD:
Steven. John Landis was so afraid of being punished for his crimes that he did everything in his power to avoid a Ten Day Jail Sentence. Ten Days. For the crime of Irresponsible Manslaughter against Four People including Two Children. There are Drunk Drivers who receive stiffer and longer Jail Sentences than that, and when the Drunk Driver kills someone the Judge forces them to visit the site of the accident once a month and leave Flowers with Photographic Evidence so that they never forget what they did. John Landis has to be a Coward at Heart, because Ten Days in Jail is nothing compared to what he really deserved.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
The only thing left to decide now is, who is going to Ride Out and Bell the Cat? It sounds like a Good Idea on paper, but which one of us is going to actually go out and do it. Once they catch you, you're looking at a possible Jail Sentence in Vietnam with no way Back to the Future.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
I'll do it. I'll be the One to Bell the Cat. It was my idea in the first place so I should be the One to Go.
URD:
The Fuck You Don't. I'm going to do it myself. I'm about ready to fucking explode on John Landis like a Nuclear Weapon. If you think Comedy Central Roasts are Bad, wait until you hear me Skin his Sorry Ass Alive with Words, Throw Salt on his Wounds with my Logic, and then Feed his Cowardly Ass to the Hungry Dogs with my Revenge Filled Heart. Or, I could beat the living shit out of him with this Strap On Dildo right in front of the Cast and Crew. That will give them a few stories to tell.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Oh My Goddess. Where did you find a Strap On Dildo in Vietnam? Did you have that thing on you the entire time in case you needed to use it? What were you planning to use it for?
URD:
That's not important right now. All that matters is I'm armed and dangerous with a Strap On Dildo, and that's what all men fear the most. Being Cut Down to Size by a Woman in front of all their Friends.
CHRIS FARLEY:
Excuse me everyone. I'm Officer Farley, and I'm checking around for Studio Set Passes right now for Twilight Zone: The Movie. Come to think of it, I don't recall any of you working on this film shoot for the past month. But then again, most of my time here is spent hanging out, in a van, down by the river. Are you really supposed to be here?
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Don't be such an Idiot Officer Farley. Of course they're supposed to be here on Set. Why the Fuck Else would we be here? Can't you see that this Amazing Woman is armed with a Strap On Dildo? Hello? Earth to Officer Farley. This is your Conscience Speaking. This Big Strap On Dildo is warning you to walk away while there is still time.
CHRIS FARLEY:
And why is that?
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Because...
CHRIS FARLEY:
Right then. Never Mind and Carry On. Keep Up the Good Work.
URD:
Wait, before you go, can you direct us to the Film Sets where we can find the Explosives Expert James Camomille?
CHRIS FARLEY:
Wait. Stop. Why are you Three Looking for our Explosive Expert Engineer James Camomille? What is your Film Set business with him? Nobody sees the Great Oz. Not Nobody. Not No How.
URD:
Because... Hello... this is the Strap On Dildo speaking. Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide. We have business with James Camomille that is on a Need to Know Basis and Right Now, You don't need to know. Listen to me. I know what I'm talking about right now. You can trust me because I'm a Strap On Dildo.
CHRIS FARLEY:
Right then. Go down the corner and take a right at the First Vietnamese Village Hut. Keep on going Walking Straight until you see the Morning Star to Neverland, when you reach the signpost, it means you've gone too far and you need to turn back around. Take an immediate left. Then a Right. Then walk due east into the Sunlight, there you will find the Vietnamese Village Huts where the Explosives are about to go off and James Camomille should be there waiting. Now do you think you can remember all that or would you like me to write this all down and draw you Three a Map?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
You know. All of that Gibberish almost makes perfect sense.
CHRIS FARLEY:
Right then. Carry On. May Fortune Smile Upon You. Good luck on your Quest to hunt down James Camomille.
URD:
You're a total life saver Officer Farley, don't let anyone ever tell you that you've wasted your life, even when you live in a Van down by the River.
CHRIS FARLEY:
Wait. Stop. Something is not right here. Where did you Three Find a Strap On Dildo in Vietnam on the set of Twilight Zone The Movie?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
We found it hiding in the Third Bottom Drawer of Your Mother's Bedroom, along with an amazing collection of Diamond Butt Plugs. What's it to you?
CHRIS FARLEY:
Could I speak to the Strap On Dildo again please?
URD:
You are aware that it was me speaking to you and the Strap On Dildo was just a joke for comical effect right?
CHRIS FARLEY:
Madame. Do not patronize me. I do not enjoy being patronized. I'm only going to ask you this one more time. Let me speak to the Strap On Dildo. She's your most important material witness right now.
URD:
Yes Officer Farley. It's True. I'm a Walking Talking Self Conscious Strap On Dildo. But I have human rights too you know. I'm going to have to stand on the Fifth Amendment for this one.
CHRIS FARLEY:
Oh yeah. Well I say "When in Rome, do as the Romans Do" and in the Deep Jungles of Vietnam, you can take the Fifth Amendment and shove it up your Cute Sexy Fuckable Ass.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
So... you're not going to let us hunt down Explosives Expert Engineer James Camomille.
CHRIS FARLEY:
I don't know... that Strap On Dildo looks awfully suspicious. Are you sure that thing really knows how to talk? You would be amazed what some people could do when they learn the Ancient Art of Ventriloquism.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
I have a confession to make. It's confession time for Heather the Intern. John Landis sent us to his Film Trailer to pick up his Work Files so that we could deliver his orders and instructions to James Camomille while he is briefly detained in the Local Hospital, and we found that Strap On Dildo lying on his bed and stole it as a practical joke. John Landis doesn't like to share his Sex Toys with anybody because he was raised as an only child and he might be very angry if Vic Morrow and the rest of the Film Crew were to see you walking around with John Landis Strap On Dildo out in the open here. Especially since John Landis is lying in the local hospital with a broken leg.
CHRIS FARLEY:
Say no more Heather the Intern. My word is my bond. Also if you guys should bump into my Mother again after work, tell her that I love her and I'll see her for Dinner again next week. May Fortune Smile Upon You.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
But... we don't actually know Officer Farley's mother. He's just a guy, who lives in a van, down by the River.
URD:
Shut the fuck up Steven! Of course we know his Mother! What did Dan Aykroyd and Bill Murray teach everybody in the Third Act of Ghostbusters? When somebody asks you if you are a God, you always say Yes!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Alrighty then. Have a Nice Day Officer Farley. May Fortune Smile Upon You Always.
CHRIS FARLEY:
Jesus loves you too Steven. Peace Be With You! Go Team Twilight Zone Go!
URD:
Right then. Now we can split up. I'll go for the Overhead Announcement Box. You two hunt down James Camomille and figure out a way to disarm all of the Explosives so we can buy us some more time. It's Time to Move It Move It King Julian! So fucking Move your asses now! Go Team Twilight Zone Go! Now Let's Go Save Vic Morrow!
FADE OUT:
Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow - Stanley Kubrick Cameo
FADE IN:
INT. VIETNAMESE TNT STORAGE HUT - DAY
STANLEY KUBRICK aka JAMES CAMOMILLE and TOBE HOOPER aka PAUL STEWART are standing in the room in an establishing shot.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Mister James Camomille sir. My name is Steven. And I'm looking for the Explosives Expert who is working on this movie. Basically, I'm looking for the man who is an expert at Blowing Shit Up on set. Are you the man that I'm looking for? Are you the man that I need to speak to?
STANLEY KUBRICK:
You've come to the right place Steven. I am James Camomille, and I do happen to be an expert when it comes to Blowing Shit Up. But that knowledge means very little to me really. Because anybody can Blow Shit Up when they are working with Explosive Materials. The Secret to Longevity in the Cinematic Explosives Business is knowing how and when to NOT Blow Shit Up. For example, you don't want to Blow Shit Up when you are walking around with it in your hands. And You don't want to Blow Shit Up when you're standing next to it in the same room. And you most definitely don't want to Blow Shit Up before the Director yells Action or after the Director yells Cut. Do you get what I'm saying here? The Handling of Explosive Materials in the Film Industry is an Art Form, and those who make it in this dangerous business are the ones who still have all of their fingers, arms, and appendages left on them. Want me to show you an example? Paul Stewart! Get over here! I want to ask you something.
TOBE HOOPER:
Yes Mister James Camomille. What may I do for you sir?
STANLEY KUBRICK:
"What may I do for you sir?" I like that. Paul Stewart has manners and respects his elders. Now Paul, look at me. Look over here. Tell me how many fingers you see me holding up. How many fingers am I holding up right now?
TOBE HOOPER:
I'm counting all Ten Fingers.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Do you want to know why I'm holding up all Ten Fingers? To show everyone in the room that I'm not an incompetent moron who blows off my own appendages because I mishandled the Dynamite! GODDAMMIT PAUL! ONE OF THESE DAYS MY LUCK IS GOING TO FUCKING RUN OUT! AND IT'S GOING TO BE ALL YOUR FAULT! AND WHEN WE BOTH GET TO HEAVEN AND ST. PETER ASKS ME WHAT THE FUCK WENT WRONG, I'M GOING TO TELL HIM, "IT'S BECAUSE I WAS SITTING NEXT TO THIS STUPID INCOMPETENT ASSHOLE WHILE HE WAS COMPLETELY MISHANDLING THE FUCKING DYNAMITE!" FUCK YOU PAUL STEWART! NOW GET BACK TO WORK AND GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Okay. Okay then. Bing Bam Boom. Problem Solution on the Way. Now Riddle me this Mister James Camomille. Let suppose for the argument that when John Landis is shooting this scene, the Helicopter Pilot Dorcey Wingo is flying the Helicopter above Vic Morrow and the Two Children, when suddenly, and I mean this Hypothetically, one of the Explosions goes off too close to the Helicopter causing it to immediately crash on top of Vic Morrow, ripping his head off and decapitating him with the Helicopter Blades, and chopping apart both Children until all that is left is a bloody gory mess? This reminds me of a Man Walks into a Bar Joke right now. Vic Morrow, Two Children, and Dorcey Wingo walk into a Bar, and Director John Landis shoves them into a Giant Blender and hits Frappe, turning them into a Gory Milkshake. That kind of accident. So what do you think? Knowing now what you didn't know then, how would you stop John Landis from turning everyone into a Giant Blender Milkshake with a Helicopter Rotor Blade. Any solutions?
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Your description of Future Hypothetical Events suspiciously sounds like you believe this incident is actually going to happen. So tell me Steven. Do you suffer from Paranoid Nightmares and Nightly Premonitions about Events that later manifest into Real Life? Is that what this is? You're worried that this incident is actually going to happen?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Suppose for a moment that it did happen. And you had the ability to travel back into the past and stop it, but nobody that you met on set would recognize you as James Camomille because you are decades older and you've been displaced in the Time and Space Continuum?
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Paul Stewart... please shut the door and lock us in. I would like to be alone with this man for a minute.
TOBE HOOPER:
Do you need me to call Warner Brothers Studio Security?
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Wait on that for a moment. I get the feeling that this man's problem is he's been trying to tell us something and nobody has taken the time to listen to him. You may go now.
TOBE HOOPER leaves.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Look, if my paranoid manic behavior is worrying you or if I've caused you any sort of trouble... I'm afraid I have just cause. Sometimes the Nightmare Premonitions are real James Camomille. This thing that I'm afraid of has already happened. I wasn't on set the day that it happened. All we had to work with was a worn out VHS tape and court witness testimonies.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
So you really believe in this FANTASY of Yours? This DEMON that has taken hold of you and POSSESSES YOUR MIND? Do you have the VHS tape on you now as Physical Evidence?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
No I don't. I really wish I did because it might have saved all of us a great amount of trouble.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
What about Tomorrow's Newspapers? Is there any type of Physical Evidence that can prove why you believe this incident is going to manifest into our Reality?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
We were rushed into this. We didn't have time to prepare. All of this is a Trial of the Gods test to see if we can pull off the impossible, and up until now, the System Force of Fate has been sabotaging us every step of the way.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
So tell me Steven: Do you play Chess?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
You want to challenge me to a Chess Match now?
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Chess is a Good Way to Exercise Your Mind. Your Brain works like a Muscle. In order for that Muscle to work and get the intuitive thought processes going, you have to exercise it daily with Books or Creative Outlets. And I don't mean Television or Movies. To paraphrase Director John Waters, "If you go home with someone and you discover that they don't read books, don't ever have sex with them or allow them to procreate with you." Chess is one of those creative outlets. I play Chess everyday no matter what job I happen to be working on. Chess is my Daily Life.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Right now, the Chess Match that I'm thinking of is when Max Von Sydow played Chess with Death from Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Oh yes. Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal. "The Sun is Shining, Today is a Good Day, and I Antonius Block, am playing Chess with Death." It's entirely true. I do play Chess with Death. Every day that I work with Explosives and go home to Bed for the night, it means that I successfully played a Match of Chess with Death and won myself another day of life. But know this: every time that you play Chess against Death Itself, The Grim Reaper studies you, he learns how you think, how you move, how to guess ahead to predict what future choices you might make. In the End, nobody will ever officially beat Death in an Ongoing Game of Chess because Death knows how to think Three Moves Ahead of the Chessboard. That means that when you go head to head with Death Itself, you also must think ahead Three Moves Ahead of the Chessboard. In order to develop a Successful Strategy of Attack, one must understand that when you Play Chess against an Opponent, the person you are trying to win against is Really Yourself. In order to win, you must examine every angle, every possibility in which you might fail, and why you failed at all. And that is exactly what I do when Handling and Setting up the Rigging for Explosives on Hollywood Movies. I have to ask myself, if I were to ever fuck up on the job, what could possibly happen that would cause me to lose the Chess Match with Death Itself?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Let me guess. I just told you the one possibility that you didn't think about. So tell me once again. Knowing now what you didn't know then. How would you handle the situation to prevent such an incident from happening? We know from the incident that the explosions from the back Vietnamese Village Huts are not the ones that will knock Dorcey Wingo's Helicopter out of Balance. It's the ones that are closest to Vic Morrow as he wades through the Water to John Landis Camera.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Steven. How many fingers am I holding up right now?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Ten Fingers. I get it. There's a good reason why you still have all ten of your fingers.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Yes, but there's also another reason why I still have all of my fingers, my arms, and all of my appendages. It's because I refuse to work with anyone who doesn't have all of those features themselves. Anybody that is stupid enough to have lost their own fingers, their arms, or their appendages while working on the job is clearly too absent minded to ever be working in my dangerous profession. There is a reason why I still have all of my Ten Fingers. It's because you can trust me to correctly do my job. Now does that not give you peace of mind?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
No James Camomille. It doesn't. Because I've seen the VHS tape with my own eyes. And right now it's my word against yours. Oh James. I am so sorry to be the Messenger of Impending Doom. I wish this had never happened to you. I really do. But sometimes even the most professional people in the film industry can still make mistakes because nobody has the ability to see the future. It's what makes us human. There is always a first time for everything.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Stop right there. You just said that nobody has the ability to see the future. It's because the future still hasn't been written yet. And you're wrong Steven. Dead Wrong. You said that the reason why you know this incident is Fated to happen is because you were forced to watch it on a VHS tape. That you were not onset on the day that it happened. Am I correct?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
That is correct.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Wrong again. Look around you Steven. Where are we right now? We're on location in Vietnam where the shoot is about to happen. Look at the time posted on the clock over there on the wall. What time is it right now? Is the time on the clock BEFORE or AFTER the incident is supposed to take place? You must be absent minded, because you are clearly too blind to see, that while Time is Quickly Running Out, you are still here, and that gives you an advantage that none of us have. Not even myself. You still have the Power to be in the Right Place at exactly the Right Time.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
James Camomille... I'm begging you. I'm asking you for a solid. We need to stop this from happening and John Landis is not going to listen. He knows that he's being sabotaged and he's got Security looking for us all over the set. We need you to disarm the Explosives. All of them. Tell John Landis anything that you want. Give him a Hundred Excuses. Delay the Production and if John Landis is so dead set on shooting this scene, then force him to shoot the scene on another day. Any day. Any day at all. Just not today.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
It's exactly as I've suspected. You're the Gremlin that's been running around Set All day trying to sabotage the Film Shoot. Which means that you're the one who attacked John Landis with a Sledgehammer and put him in the Hospital. As a Film Industry Professional, I have a responsibility to put you under Citizen's Arrest and turn you over to the Studio Security Officers. Your story sounds like you are really convinced that this incident is really going to happen. But there's another word for that kind of fear. Paranoia. If anything your behavior could be described as quite manic.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
So what are you planning to do?
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Steven. How many fingers am I holding up right now?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Ten Fingers. You're holding up Ten Fingers.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Do you want to know why I'm holding up All Ten Fingers? It's because you can trust me to do my job. You've already warned me about what's about to happen. All I can do to help you is to be more mindful and aware of how to set off the Explosives, when to set off the Explosives, and where to set off the Explosives, and when NOT to set off the Explosives. John Landis may be the Director on this movie, but John Landis is not the Expert on how to set off my Pyrotechnics when the Cameras start rolling. I am. It's why Warner Brothers pays me to do my job. John Landis cannot sabotage Dorcey Wingo's Helicopter unless I personally give him the power to do it. John Landis may be many things. But he's not God. And he is most certainly not MY Lord and Savior either. The only Power that John Landis holds over me is the ability to Terminate my Employment and replace me with someone else like Paul Stewart. And I'm telling you right now, John Landis is NEVER going to do that because this is his last day on the Production Schedule to perform his duties. John Landis cannot perform more work on this movie without gaining clearance from Lucy Fisher or Terry Semel. And by the time he is able to do it, Today will already be over, and Tomorrow is a Brand New Day. Now tell me once again Steven. How many fingers am I holding up right now?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Ten Fingers. You're holding up Ten Fingers.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Have you ever handled Dangerous Explosives Steven?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
No I haven't.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Do you know what that means? Show me how many Fingers that you have on your hands right now.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Ten Fingers. I still have all Ten Fingers.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Are you sure? What about your Arms? Or your Legs? Everything that belongs to you is still intact?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Yes. Yes. I still have my Arms, and both my Legs, and all Ten Fingers.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Once again, the reason why I continue to survive in this Dangerous Business is because I don't work with anybody that is missing any of those features. Do you know what this means? You passed the test. You have never set off Dangerous Explosives while you were standing right next to them. BUT. I'm afraid you still have no training, meaning that you're still an amateur. Until you gain such experience, my advice to all of you is this. Do not attempt to disarm any of my On Set Explosives. Stay as far away from them as possible. And if you ever do decide to handle Dangerous Explosives, should you still lack such training to handle them, then you are welcome to take my Business Card, and you can call on me whenever you are in need of my services. You've already completed your mission Steven. You've done everything that you can do to stop your Premonition about Vic Morrow from happening. But if I do not set off those explosives, then John Landis cannot finish shooting his movie. And when Lucy Fisher and Terry Semel investigate into my actions and ask me why I refused to do my job, they are not going to accept my explanation that I was under orders from a Time Traveler who comes from the year 2023 to stop an On Set Tragedy from happening. It doesn't matter if you believe you are telling the truth. Because without Solid Evidence. Without that VHS tape that you speak of. Nobody in their right minds is ever going to believe you. And then, I could lose my employment from Warner Brothers.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
James Camomille... if you do go through with this Film Shoot, they are going to fire you anyways. And then they are going to take you through the Court System as a Material Witness.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
And do you know what I am going to do when that happens? I am going to place my hand on the Bible, and swear my oath to God in front of the Judge, promising not to commit perjury, and tell them the honest truth. That there is a first time for everything. And sometimes even the most professional workers in the Industry can still make mistakes. Who are we to test the Fates in such a Dangerous Profession where everywhere that we look, we are surrounded by people who play Chess with Death? Every day that I am alive, it means that I have successfully performed my job without killing myself. Every day that I am still alive means that Death lost the Chess Match with me. But sometimes even Death Itself is due for a win when they learn how to match you Three Moves Ahead of the Chessboard. You're also forgetting something Steven. When they took me through the Court System the first time, did they arrest me or send me to Jail for my Actions?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
No they did not.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
And there's a reason for that. When you are the Director of a Major Hollywood Motion Picture like John Landis is, that means that the Buck Stops with You. And when these people took John Landis through the Court System, was John Landis forced to serve Jail Time for his Actions? Was John Landis punished for his crimes?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
No John Landis did not. That is why we haven't associated with him in years.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Then John Landis has taken his punishment and he has already paid for his crimes.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
How so? How has John Landis payed for his crimes when they never took him to Prison and continued to Hire Him to direct Major Hollywood Movies?
STANLEY KUBRICK:
Because when John Landis cheated the Court System, he sacrificed one of the best friends in the Film Industry that he could ever have. It was you Steven. John Landis lost you. How do I know the value of what John Landis is about to lose? Because when you were given the chance to do so, you willingly came back for him. You may think you're trying to save Vic Morrow's life, and the life of those Two Children, but in the end, the man you will be saving from the worst career move in his entire life is going to be John Landis himself. Now tell me once again, how many fingers am I holding up?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Ten Fingers. You're holding up All Ten Fingers.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
And what does that mean?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
It means that I can trust you to do your job.
STANLEY KUBRICK:
No Steven. It means that you can STILL TRUST ME. Now ask me how I know that you came here from 2023.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
How did you know what year we came from?
STANLEY KUBRICK:
It's because you can STILL TRUST ME to always WATCH OVER YOU. Now you still have my business card. And my number is always open to you day or night. Just make sure not to handle Dangerous Explosives until the time comes that you have been properly trained and you are ready. And one more small word of advice Steven. Whoever decides to train you in the Delicate Art of how to Handle Explosives on a Film Set, please make sure that they still have all Ten of their Fingers. And their Arms. And their Appendages. If more people learned to follow this sound advice, the less absent minded assholes we would have working in the Film Explosives Industry and the Less On Set Tragedies there would be. Remember me for that Steven. Now Go Save Vic Morrow. He still has a Date with Destiny, and we wouldn't want to keep the Grim Reaper in Suspense now would we?
FADE OUT:
Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow - John Landis Plays God
FADE IN:
INT. SET OF TWILIGHT ZONE THE MOVIE - JOHN LANDIS SPEECH
JOHN LANDIS is standing around on crutches with his leg in a cast next to a director's chair, and calls together a film crew meeting.
JOHN LANDIS:
Twilight Zone "Time Out" Crew, gather round and get your act together. It's Team Meeting Time for all of you. That's right. It's Team Meeting Time for Johnny and Vicky.
VIC MORROW:
Oh My Goddess. John Landis! What the fuck happened to your leg? Who did this to you? You look like you've just been gang fucked, beaten, and assaulted by Vietnamese Hookers with a Sledgehammer and dragged through the inner pits of Hell itself! Are you still feeling okay to direct this thing? Tell us the truth Johnny Boy! There's no shame in backing down from the Film Shoot if you've been injured by Vietnamese Hookers! Remember John, Work Related accidents happen to the best of us!
JOHN LANDIS:
That's exactly why I've called you here all here. Something is not just right today. Up until now, film production on "Time Out" has been going smoothly. Everything has been going according to plan. Until Today. Not Yesterday. Not Last Week. Specifically Today. Things have been breaking down all over the film set. And these technical difficulties just do not happen by themselves. This is a Major Hollywood Production People. This is not Zombie Life TV on Austin Public Access Live Television. You cannot get away with this kind of unprofessional behavior on the set of a FUCKING HOLLYWOOD MAJOR STUDIO PRODUCTION! THIS JUST DOES NOT HAPPEN! Okay okay, I admit, I may have jinxed my own film production by comparing myself to Francis Ford Coppolas on the set of Apocalypse Now. We've all heard the horror stories of what he went through during the production. But this... this right here... even Francis Ford Coppola never had to deal with this shit. And he was high on cocaine that entire film shoot. Somebody... has been running around the film set all day attempting to SABOTAGE TONIGHT'S EPIC WAR SCENE! And somehow all of these little incidents feel like a CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME! Somebody... jumped and assaulted me while I was walking to the set earlier, and broke my fucking leg with a fucking sledgehammer! Now I know that I may give you guys a little tough love from time to time, but this shit right here... THIS DOES NOT FUCKING HAPPEN ON THE SET OF A HOLLYWOOD FUCKING MOVIE! ESPECIALLY ONE WITH STEVEN FUCKING SPIELBERG'S NAME ATTACHED TO THE FUCKING PRODUCER CREDITS! And now, the latest shit storm update to wind up on my fucking director's radar, somebody... has been running around attempting to systematically disarm our Firebomb Pyrotechnics and Explosions for the final War Scene and we've only got a few hours of daylight left to set up before the shoot goes down. If we don't, we go over budget, over our production shooting schedule, and then I'm going to have fly back to Hollywood fucking California, hobble all the fucking way back to the production offices at Warner Brothers, on my crutches with a broken fucking leg, and explain to Lucy Fisher, the vice-president in charge of production, and Terry Semel, the fucking President of the Warner Brothers Studio, that we are going to need MORE MONEY and MORE TIME to shoot a fucking War Scene that they requested and they approved to make Vic Morrow appear more likeable to the Theater Audiences so that they will Empathize with his ordeal... because our Film Crew is being run by a bunch of INCOMPETENT ASSHOLES WHO ARE TOO BLIND TO NOTICE THAT WE HAVE SABOTEURS IN OUR MIST TRYING TO PULL THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER US DURING THE FINAL HOURS OF SHOOTING! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAVE I EVER DONE TO ANY OF YOU TO DESERVE BEING JUMPED AND ASSAULTED WITH A FUCKING SLEDGEHAMMER IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING VIETNAM! And more than that, it has not escaped my attention, that there is a slight case of Logical Insanity involved in attempting to sabotage a film production ON THE LAST NIGHT OF SHOOTING AFTER 99% OF THE MOVIE HAS ALREADY BEEN SHOT AND DELIVERED TO THE STUDIO EXECUTIVES AT WARNER BROTHERS! Where's the Logic here people? Why would anybody attempt to intentionally Sabotage a Movie at the End of the Production when they could have been more successful had they pulled this shit on DAY ONE OF THE SHOOTING SCHEDULE! It's like these FILM SET TERRORISTS were Late to the Party, they've missed the bus and joined the CHOIR INVISIBLE. And the most fucked up part of all, is the CONSPIRACY IS NOT IN MY IMAGINATION! THIS WHOLE FUCKING DAY HAS BEEN A CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME! SOMETIMES THE CONSPIRACY IS REAL! YOU SEE THIS FUCKING CAST ON MY LEG! IT'S NOT THE FUCKING WARDROBE DEPARTMENT! IT'S NOT IN MY IMAGINATION! IT'S NOT THE COCAINE THAT I HAVE LOVINGLY SPENT AND WASTED ON THE LIKES OF ALL OF YOU SO THAT WE COULD ALL ENJOY THE TWILIGHT ZONE PARTY AND HAVE A GOOD FUCKING TIME ON SET! SOMETIMES THE CONSPIRACY IS REAL! And this right here, this ends right now. I am not going to wave the white flag to these fucking saboteur assholes who are out to get me! And I am sure the fuck not going to go crawling back in defeat to Lucy Fisher and Terry Semel, of all fucking people, because I couldn't handle ONE FUCKING NIGHT SHOOT SITTING IN A DIRECTOR'S CHAIR WITH A CAST ON MY LEG! And that's the most fucking idiotic part of all. What were these assholes who assaulted me thinking? What was going through their heads? That somehow because I lost the use of my fucking leg, that I wouldn't be able to finish directing the War Sequence SITTING IN A FUCKING DIRECTOR'S CHAIR? Where's the Logic People? I don't need my fucking leg to direct this movie. I just need my fucking painkillers, and my crutches, and my director's chair. And maybe a nice cushy soft pillow. Something therapeutic. And what I really need right now most of all... is for somebody on this fucking film crew to give me a fucking hug and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Because right now, I could really use a hug because my self confidence has been deeply shattered and I don't know just how much longer I can go on. Mommy? Mommy? Please help me Mommy. It's your little boy Johnny Bear. Make the bad men stop Mommy. Make the bad men stop.
CHRIS FARLEY:
John Landis. Bring it in pal. I'll gladly give you a hug any day of the week.
JOHN LANDIS:
And just who the fuck are you? Do you even work for Warner Brothers or are you on loan from Rent a Cops are us? Where the fuck were you earlier when I was being ASSAULTED WITH A FUCKING SLEDGEHAMMER? Wait a minute, I know exactly who the fuck you are. You're that Fat Fuck Security Guard who's been sleeping in a Van down by the River! Some help you turned out to be! Fuck my life! Fuck fuck fuck!
CHRIS FARLEY:
John Landis... I know that most of the film crew members are afraid to stand up to you right now but... I think you could seriously benefit from some Anger Management. Can you say Goosfraba with me? Goosfraba. You see? It kind of rolls off your tongue. Goosfraba. Goosfraba.
JOHN LANDIS:
Can somebody else please give me a hug right now? Not you Officer Farley. Somebody else please. Vic Morrow? Buddy? Hug me Vicky. Please give me a Hug. You remind me of my Daddy! I miss my Daddy Vicky!
VIC MORROW:
Gee Willickers John... I never knew we were that close to begin with. Just this morning you were telling me that you were Satan and you had my Soul under Contract for the next 24 Hours. You were going to make me wade through the River Styx to earn my way out of my Studio Contract remember?
JOHN LANDIS:
Oh Come On! I was being Comical here! I direct Comedies remember? I direct Werewolf movies! I just wanted to add an Epic War movie to my resume! I never believed I would have to pay for it with my fucking broken leg! Somebody please give me a hug right now. Because I really need some confidence to help me get through the next few hours of shoot. Everything has gone wrong today except for the Kitchen Sink. Mommy? Mommy? Please give me a hug right now Mommy.
CHRIS FARLEY:
Chin up John Landis. It's going to be okay. Your career has bounced back before. Remember what John Belushi said...
JOHN LANDIS:
Don't you fucking dare bring up John Belushi in my presence. John Belushi is dead to me.
CHRIS FARLEY:
Well duh, that's because John Belushi is dead to all of us. He died from Drugs. That was so cool of him. John Belushi went out like a fucking Gangster on Saturday Night Live.
JOHN LANDIS:
I mean, who the fuck are you anyways? You're just a guy, who lives in a van, down by the river. Start respecting your own life, take a shower with soap, and maybe I'll start respecting you. At this rate, I'm never going to fucking outdo Joe Dante's Segment. Or George Miller. And the most Ironic Part of all is their Segments are just Updated Remakes of Old Twilight Zone Episodes. I was given one chance to be original. One chance to add my own creativity to the Twilight Zone without mooching off the work of others. One chance to finally direct something that shined above the rest. And then the Goddess of Fate payed me a visit and she fucked me in the ass with a Strap On Dildo. I can see the Television Special now. And the Academy Award goes to Joe Dante for Best Special Effects on Twilight Zone The Movie! My Life is a Living Hell right now, and Joe Dante is the Shining Bright Sun that sits right in the fucking middle of it burning my flesh alive with Cancer! Where does John Landis Film Career sit in the Universe of Joe Dante's Sun? I'm not even Venus or Uranus. I'm just fucking Pluto, the smallest planet in the Universe and the Furthest Away from the Earth. Somebody please put me out of my misery before anything else today goes wrong. If this film shoot self destructs tonight, I'm personally going to crawl into my own little corner, shrivel up and die.
CHRIS FARLEY:
You said Uranis. That's so funny.
JOHN LANDIS:
Please Shut the Fuck Up. You're not helping anybody here.
CUT TO:
EXT. VIETNAM HUT SPEAKER OFFICE
URD'S voice comes pooring out over the Speaker Overhead.
URD:
John Landis! If you think your life sucks now! Just you fucking wait till Tonight's War Scene! Because I'm the Goddess of Fate that's coming for you with that Strap On Dildo that you fear oh so well, and it's got your fucking name written all over it! You want to know why your miserable failure of a B-Movie Film Career is about to go down the drain like an Alfred Hitchcock Slasher movie? Well Riddle Me This Covfefe! Who the fuck are you John Landis to play God with a Man's Life? Yeah that's right John Landis! I'm speaking to you, you Vicious Asshole Hollywood Cocksucker! Perhaps you would like me to explain to your film crew how you attempted to bypass Child Labor Laws by bribing a Vietnamese Family with Unauthorized Petty Cash from the Studio. Or better yet, perhaps I should look up Lucy Fisher's own personal home phone number. Hmm... where could it be... where could it be... I know... I bet Lucy Fisher's home phone number is written on these address books that we just stole from your Studio Trailer. Holy fuck... I was right... and Terry Semel's home phone number is in here too. I bet Lucy Fisher and Terry Semel are just dying to hear what you were planning to do with their Petty Cash funds you Self Righteous Egotistical Pigfucker! John Landis, if you go through with this Film Shoot tonight, mark my words, the Angel of Death is going to drop a fucking Helicopter right on your fucking head, or worse, it could land on the head of one of your fucking actors. Vic Morrow, I'm talking directly to you! Stop and ask yourself right now, "Do I, the Great John Landis, want to be held directly responsible for the On Set Accidental Death of Another Human Being?" Well do you Punk! Go ahead! Make My Day! Every Devil's Bargain comes full circle someday! Because Karma is real! And Tonight, it's coming straight for your Fucking Career! So Riddle Me This Covfefe, Once Again, Who the Fuck Does John Landis think he is to Play God with another Man's Life? You do not need this scene John Landis! You don't need it! Your movie is finished and already in the can and you just don't realize it yet because you're a fucking idiot who allowed Lucy Fisher and Terry Semel to fuck with your vision as a Director and manipulate you into self doubting yourself, just like every other Director who works for them! What the fuck do Lucy Fisher and Terry Semel know about making movies anyways! Come on man, they're studio executives from Warner Brothers! Since when have the Studio Test Audiences ever resulted in the creation of a Better Movie! There's a word for that kind of thinking. It's called Pandering! And that's why Steven Spielberg and Joe Dante are the fucking Kings, and you'll always be a sniveling little Schmuck! John Landis, if they held a contest for World's Biggest Schmuck, you would still come in Third Place! Because you're a Schmuck! And that Award that you think you're owed as a Director, those are the Consolation Prize Ribbons that Elementary Schools pass out to the entire classroom of Retarded Children so that they all feel special about themselves. I assure you that there's no fucking competition going on here! It's all in your fucking head! Twilight Zone: The Movie was not a bad film at all, but it sure as fuck wasn't worth dying for, I can tell you that!
CUT TO:
JOHN LANDIS:
Officer Farley... that voice... that voice is coming from one of the Village Huts across Film Set. It's ticking in my ears like the Crocodile that ate Captain Hook's right hand! It's making me paranoid just hearing her voice! Or maybe that's the fucking Cocaine talking, I can't fucking tell anymore! I'm stoked out of my mind and it's taking me to places that I don't really want to go right now. Help me Officer Farley. I want you personally to systematically hunt that Vicious Conniving Saboteur Cunt down and shoot to kill if necessary! Do you hear me! Shoot to Kill! I'll take and accept full responsibility for your actions in front of the Warner Brothers Studio Executives, just get me some fucking results! I want that fucking bitch hanged by her fucking neck until she is DEAD DEAD DEAD! There's a reason why Women's Prisons exist and this Cunt is ONE OF THEM! Do you hear me Officer Farley? Shoot to Kill Officer Farley! Shoot to Kill!
CHRIS FARLEY:
Shoot to Kill? Really? All I have is this Pepper Spray and a Notepad to Observe and Report. That woman on the overhead claims to be armed and dangerous with a Strap On Dildo. And it's got your name written all over it. I don't want to get bitch slapped with a Strap On Dildo. My Partners will never let me hear the end of it.
JOHN LANDIS:
And how do you think I feel? I'm being undermined by a fucking woman who publicly claims to be armed with a fucking Strap On Dildo, today I've been assaulted with a huge fucking Sledgehammer, and if I don't produce results for Warner Brothers in the next few hours, Lucy Fisher is going to have my balls in a vice! When Lucy Fisher gets through going for both my testicles, I'm never going to be able to have sex again! This could be the end of my sex life as we know it! And it'll be your fault Officer Farley! It'll be all your fault! I'm begging you Officer Farley, please don't let Lucy Fisher take my film career away from me! Please save me and put this fucking saboteur cunt out of her fucking misery for the love of Jesus Christ Almighty! Shoot to kill Officer Farley! Shoot to kill!
VIC MORROW:
John Landis... I hate to be the bearer of obvious statements here... but this suspiciously sounds like you are being sabotaged because of a Sexual Cat Fight. Were you secretly getting Pussy from the Vietnamese Hooker Camps yesterday? Now don't lie to me John! I know how to sniff out a fucking Cat Fight when I see one! And right now, you've got the Smell of Vietnamese Pussy all over you! You stink of Cunt like you've been rolling around in Vietnamese Pussy and Cocaine all night long! And if there's one thing I learned during the Real Vietnam War, it's never turn your back on a Vietnamese Hooker! If you piss those Vietnamese Hookers off or leave them with an American Souvenir like an Unwanted Pregnancy, they will hunt you down in Cold Blood and FUCK - YOU - UP. Pull yourself together man! No Director in the History of Cinema has ever sabotaged his own movie because he couldn't control his Pussy Intake! You could be setting a Dangerous Precident for Male Hollywood Directors Everwhere! Even Spineless Spielberg knows how to handle his Pussy Intake. He's Jewish for fucks sake! Spineless Spielberg's Jewish Penis was fucking Circumsized for a Reason and it's clearly bigger than yours! And once Hollywood goes down that road, there could be no coming back for any of us! These Crazy Studio Executive Cunts like Lucy Fisher need to learn right now, that Real Men do not bow to their Pussy Magick! Their Pussy Magick bends the knee to us! That's what makes us Men goddammit! Now pull yourself together John Landis! What would Archie Bunker do if he were in your place right now?
JOHN LANDIS:
Oh My Goddess. Vic Morrow could be right. I was so fucked up out of my head last night, I can't even remember who I fucked or how many of them I fucked back to back or even in what particular order that I chose to fuck them. If word of this gets back to Warner Brothers, Lucy Fisher and Terry Semel are never going to let me hear the end of it. I'm going to become the Laughing Stock of Warner Brothers, while Joe Dante takes all of the Accolades and the Awards. You see this shit? This is what happens when you try to emulate your drug addict heroes like Francis Ford Coppola! Do you know what all of this proves? The Cocaine didn't make me more creative as a Film Director! The Cocaine just fucking made everything around me a hundred times worse! The Cocaine has amplified my misery and now my Entire Film Career is in Jeopardy and my life is a living Hell! What the fuck kind of Cocaine does such a thing to a man's film career? I'm a fucking Up and Coming Hollywood Director! I've got Two Hits Studio Films Under My Belt and One John Belushi rolling in his fucking grave! Cocaine is supposed to bounce off of me like Rubber Bullets from a Police Firing Squad! Fuck man, Francis Ford Coppola lied to us all! Officer Farley! Hunt this bitch down immediately! I don't care what it takes! I don't care how you do it! This Sabotage stops right here! Tonight's shoot goes off without a hitch, do you hear me Officer Farley! No more Fuck Ups on the Job! Lucy Fisher and Terry Semel wanted a fucking Empathetic War Scene with Gook Children and I'm going to give those Studio Cocksuckers from Warner Brothers exactly what their money is worth! Even if the Entire Film Set falls down around us! Tonight's Shoot goes off without a Hitch! Somebody get Vic Morrow to his make-up trailer now! We've got one hour before Sundown! Let's shoot this Bad Bitch and get this Production Under Wraps!
FADE OUT:
Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow - Dan Aykroyd is Death
EXT. SET OF TWILIGHT ZONE THE MOVIE - VIC MORROW SHOOT
URD:
But Steven. That's what we've been trying to tell you. You don't have to save Vic Morrow. You just have to Save the Children. Actors are NOT the Villains that they play onscreen, and all of Vic Morrow's actions and behavior during this film shoot on this day leading up to the final moments of his Tragic Death showcase that he was trying to protect the Children because the War Special Effects were scaring them. Vic Morrow is NOT a Monster! He's Not! Vic Morrow was a wonderful human being and we are so sorry that he had to die. If anybody in the History of Cinema has earned a second chance at life, it has to be him. It just has to be. And the odds are entirely against him right now because the System Force has been working against us this entire trip to prevent us from disrupting the Timeline. I wish I had the power to stop this. I wish that we could make amends. Goddess forbid we all wish there were a Real Time Lord that could save us all. Because the Nightmare of Day to Day life is Real. And her name is Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Urd. Sometimes you can try everything in your Power to prevent Tomorrow from Happening, but someday Today will always have to arrive. We've done everything that we could to help this man, short of running out ahead of him and dying in his place. And even that's impossible because the water is too deep and will slow us down. It's time for us to accept that some incidents in Time cannot be changed no matter what you do.
DAN AYKROYD shows up with a Bucket of Popcorn and a big smile on your face.
DAN AYKROYD:
Hey Steven. Long Time No See. Are you here for the show too? I've got to tell you, as your own personal Angel of Death, I am so fucking stoked right now that you invited me along to watch a replay of my own handiwork. I mean, killing Scumbag Actors in Hollywood is the closest I ever get to going to the movies, but this is the first time I've ever gotten to view my work from an alternate perspective like a Back to the Future Sequel and I cannot wait for this Evil Little Train Wreck to go down. Watching Vic Morrow get his head chopped off by a Helicopter while that fucking Coward John Landis skips out on a Measly Ten Day Jail Sentence is so fucked up. Now that's entertainment. Whenever John Waters was put in front of the Judge on Obscenity Charges for Pink Flamingos, he would bite the bullet and Plead Guilty to Serve his Time and Get Released Early on Good Behavior. The fact that John Landis went through so much money and effort just to avoid Ten Days in Jail for the Tragic Murder of Four People including Children, now that is the utter brink of Cowardice. John Waters has more integrity in his pinky finger than John Landis will ever have in his entire life. Hollywood and Death have always made a great team together because they can both be synced with Irony. Everyday Bigshot Directors like you try to come up with Movies that have no basis in Real Life. But let me tell you now, Real Life will always be better than the Movies because Real Life is Stranger than Fiction. Which means the Angels of Death Staff have the Greatest Writers in the Business working for them right now. So Great, that the Fictional Movies themselves still fail to get the best of them. If Urd is the Devil on your shoulder right now, allow me to be the Angel upon your own, and lend you a word of advice. Some Men like John Landis truly deserve to Die but Live. And Some Men like Vic Morrow truly deserve to Live but Die. Are you man enough to give them that chance to change their Fates? If Mankind are the Gods who Author the fictional universes of their own Steven Spielberg cinematic realities, then that must mean that God, the real God, is herself the Author of Life. Who is this mysterious author that writes our own destinies. Why does she get to decide that Vic Morrow deserves to Die when Evil Directors like John Landis get to Live? Wasn't it God who gave men like you Free Will in the first place? Are you, Steven Spielberg, going to sit back and let the System Force of Fate decide what you choose to do with your Free Will during your own life? It's time for you to grow up and be a man Steven. That child who used to shoot 8mm films in his own closet about Toy Train Wrecks lived so many decades ago, and what we are about to witness here is a Real Train Wreck as if your childhood somehow manifested into real life. But there is a time in our lives when we have to learn to set aside childish things. For when I was a child, I spoke as a child, but when I became a man, yadda yadda yadda. You get the big picture. What I'm trying to say here is, as the Angel of Death responsible for today's events, I've already had my fun. And yes, it's fun to revisit my past no different than when my mother digs out our old childhood photos albums. But just for the sake of What If here, and I truly do mean What If, I would fucking kill to see Steven Spielberg get off his lazy ass and take one for the team. John Landis isn't going to go out and do your job for you. So perhaps it's time that Spineless Spielberg finally grew a spine and showed John Landis who the real boss is on this Motion Picture. Fuck John Landis and Fuck his Entire Film Career. Now Go Out There and Let's Go Save Vic Morrow. I bet Twilight Zone fans everywhere would pay Full Price Theater Admission to see a Stupid Plot like that. I know I would.
CUT TO:
INT. YGGDRASIL HQ MASTER CONTROL - DAY
CHRONOS:
Steven Spielberg, this is Chronos from Yggdrasil HQ Master Control. Stop fucking around with the Angel of Death and get back to work. Dan Aykroyd isn't there to help you, he's spent the entire day playing hooky and goofing off on the set of Twilight Zone and he's clearly trying to distract you from your mission because you've got about two minutes left before Vic Morrow hits touchdown. So we're going to make it real easy for you to decide. If you fuck up this Scientific Study in Time Travel to save your own cowardly ass and allow Vic Morrow to die in horror all over again at the hands of that fucking creep John Landis, I am personally going to hunt down every one of your six children and every member of your family bloodline and terminate them via Heart Attacks and Sudden Unexplained Death Syndrome just like the Death Note Anime Series. From that point on, their souls will be sent to the Happiest Place on Earth, Niflheim, aka Viking Hell. If you have any common sense left, you are going to put yourself on the front lines and save Vic Morrow even if you have to beat him to the punch and take his place in front of the Helicopter. We never promised you this wasn't a Suicide Mission and it sure as Fuck wasn't advertised to children as a trip to Disneyland. So it's time to Move It Move It King Julian because you've got one minute left on the clock. So Move your Fucking Ass Right Now!
CUT TO:
EXT. TWILIGHT ZONE BEHIND THE SCENES - VIC MORROW
STEVEN SPIELBERG starts wading out into the Water while the Explosions and Gunfires and Helicopters are going off. But VIC MORROW is too far out ahead of him for him to reach.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
(megaphone)
Listen to me Vic! Don't move! Stay right where you are and listen to me! Sometimes a person's Fate does boil down to Thirty Seconds! Sometimes a Man's Destiny can result in him being in the right place at the wrong time! Sometimes Thirty Seconds is all that you get to save a life gone wrong! NOBODY DESERVES TO DIE FOR A MOVIE VIC! BECAUSE... IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE! HALF OF THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH THIS FILM AREN'T EVEN GOING TO REMEMBER IT AFTER THEY LEAVE THE THEATER! WHO THE FUCK DOES JOHN LANDIS THINK HE IS: CECIL B DEMENTED?! THIS IS NOT A JOHN WATERS FILM! THIS IS REAL LIFE VIC! AND SOMETIMES ACTIONS COME WITH CONSEQUENCES THAT CAN SET A MAN DOWN THE WRONG PATH AND COMPLETELY DESTROY HIS CAREER FOR DECADES! JOHN LANDIS DOES NOT NEED THIS SCENE VIC! HE DOESN'T NEED IT! HE JUST WANTS IT BECAUSE HE'S ON A DIRECTOR'S EGO TRIP AND HE HAS STUDIO MONEY TO PLAY WITH! IF YOU REFUSE TO SHOOT THIS SCENE, JOHN LANDIS WILL STILL HAVE A MOVIE LEFT WITHOUT IT! IT'S NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE VIC! WE COULDN'T EVEN SALVAGE THE ACCIDENT FOOTAGE AFTER YOU DIED!
VIC MORROW:
So what do you want me to do about it?!!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
DO NOTHING! DO NOTHING AT ALL! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE AND YOU WON'T ENTER THE PATH OF THE HELICOPTER! REMEMBER VIC! SOMETIMES THIRTY SECONDS IS ALL IT TAKES TO CHANGE YOUR FATE! YOU JUST HAVE TO MEET FATE HALFWAY!
An explosion goes off and the Helicopter immediately crashes to the ground in the middle of the set.
JOHN LANDIS:
(megaphone)
CUT! CUT THE SCENE! EVERYBODY LEAVE THE SET IMMEDIATELY AND GO HOME FOR THE NIGHT! THIS SHOOT IS OVER!
The Rain stops and the Smoke clears and Vic Morrow and the Two Children are amazingly still alive and in a state of shock. Steven Spielberg finally beat the System Force and won out.
FADE OUT:
Bad Goddess: Let's Save Vic Morrow - Poltergeist III Ending
FADE IN:
INT. TARDIS
STEVEN SPIELBERG sees URD and SKULD and DOCTOR WHAT on the TARDIS, but DOCTOR WHAT has switched identities from Dan Aykroyd to Corey Feldman.
COREY FELDMAN DOCTOR WHAT:
I'm sorry Steven. May I help you?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Have we met before? What happened to the last guy?
URD:
It's the same Time Lord. Mokkurkalfi changes her identity more often than I remember to change my own panties. That reminds me... is this Wednesday or Saturday?
SKULD:
Saturday was five days ago you Slutty Skank. Also you're not wearing any underwear. You've been going Commando because it ruins the lines in your dress, remember?
COREY FELDMAN DOCTOR WHAT:
Why does Steven keep looking at me like he's seen a Ghost?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Because I have seen a ghost... in fact, this entire Time Travel stunt feels like I've been meeting nothing but Ghosts. I never worked on the John Landis Vic Morrow set back when we were shooting Twilight Zone The Movie, but I do know this much, those people who were walking around on set today... I don't recall hiring any of them. And I have a good memory for the cast and crew members that I've worked with over the years. Those people that we saw today... I think they've been dead for decades. But I can't remember who any of them are. Why is that? It's as if the System Force has been wiping my memories.
COREY FELDMAN DOCTOR WHAT:
Let me ask you something Steven. Bear with me now. When the John Landis accident happened the first time, was John Landis shooting the film on location in Vietnam like the movie, or was he shooting the film in California with Asian American Children? The entire reason that John Landis was put on trial for Criminal Behavior is because Vic Morrow's death was tied to the Crime of Californian Child Labor Laws. How could John Landis be put on trial for laws in California if the film was being shot on location in Vietnam. And the original reason why Steven Spielberg stopped making movies with him is because John Landis did everything in his power to avoid a Ten Day Jail Sentence. That motherfucker killed Four People that day and he couldn't even be bothered to serve Jail Time for Ten Days. And did the Scandal really hurt his career? Or did Hollywood continue to hire him because his films were making them money? Never mind that he's a Child Murderer, because Money makes the World Go Round. All of this leads to a very important question. Did you really travel back in time to save Vic Morrow? Or was the whole thing staged by Hekate? Think long and hard now Steven. Was that the original timeline. Or have you been secretly walking around the Afterlife Simulation the entire time? Something for you to think about.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
You're saying that we just got punked by Belldandy and Hekate? But why? What did we ever do to any of you?
URD:
It's not what you did to us Steven. It's what you did for yourself. It's exactly like you said earlier. Who's going to travel back in time and save Heather O'Rourke from the producers of Poltergeist III? All of those movies, all of those awards, all of those accolades. And for what. In the end, your entire life amounts to nothing more than just another self serving Hollywood Producer on an Ego Trip who got ahead in life by looking the other way. Those who sit back in silence for their own protection while others are being harmed deserve neither safety nor liberty. And once you cross over into Purgatory, you are going to find that you've been robbed of both those privileges.
COREY FELDMAN DOCTOR WHAT:
That's why I remind you of a Ghost. My physical appearance is just another one of your Inner Demons that you've been hiding in your Career Closet full of Skeletons. And Hekate secretly had the Key all along. Well that doesn't surprise me. That doesn't phase me at all. After all, I am a Demon by Trade. I try to be fair to the human race. I try to lead others to the gate and lend them a helping hand. Really I do. That's what Doctor Who does. Anybody can change their license Steven. Even a Demon can change their life. But even with all of our Magick and Abilities, do we still have the ability to save such a Fallen Man like you? Even if we take you to the Gates of Heaven ourselves, you might not be able to walk through it. For it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
It's Heather O'Rourke. That's what this has been about all along. We're being punished for what happened to Heather O'Rourke.
URD:
No Steven. You've been punishing yourself for what you believe happened to Heather O'Rourke because you keep being put on the spot by the General Public. Because you weren't there to see it happen. And that uncertainty has left a dark cloud over your existence. Let's suppose that Heather O'Rourke's Horror Story really is a Fantasy. That it's just another Fictional Conspiracy Theory concocted by Horror Fans with too much time on their hands because everybody in Hollywood loves a Good Scandal. Heather O'Rourke's Tragic Death is like the Fatty Arbuckle Scandal of the 1980s. Based on your reaction to the accusations, it sounds like you believe it actually happened, and that you chose to look the other way and pretend it never existed out of fear for what the truth might do to your career if it ever turned out to be true. Just like the Rape of Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. That's what scares you the most about Doctor What right now. He represents a Dark Unsolved Crime that you refuse to forgive yourself for. Or worse, maybe you felt that because it was out of your hands and out of your reach that it was never your problem and you just never gave a shit at all to begin with. That's what scares you the most. That you don't care at all. The reason why you pretend to care about Heather O'Rourke is because you're supposed to be the Great Steven Spielberg, producer of Children's Films like Animaniacs and An American Tale, so the Families who buy your movies might reasonably assume that you of all people would be inclined to care about a Murder Incident that affected a Child Actress whom you worked with. So allow Skuld to step in and put things into perspective for you.
SKULD:
Steven Spielberg. I'm the Norse Goddess of Death. The Reason why I look like a Child is because it throws everyone off guard so that they'll treat me like a Normal Human Being. But the sad truth is, I'm not just the Goddess of Death simply for the Celebrities who wind up on Social Media News. I'm also the Goddess of Death for Everyone on Planet Earth, including North Korea and Russia, and that includes the Women and Children. You think Freddy Krueger is a Child Murderer? Robert Englund is a fucking amateur compared to the Child Death Incidents that I've been involved with. Do you know what all of these child deaths look like to a Goddess who has been performing her Grim Reaper Duties since the Viking Era? Watch Alan Parker's The Wall and pay attention to the scene where the School Children are Riding on a Factory Conveyor Belt dumping them into the Meat Grinder. All in All You're Just Another Brick in the Wall. Back in the 1980s, there was an unsolved string of deaths where nearly Two Hundred Asian People claimed that some kind of Demon was chasing them in their Nightmares, and then all of them died in their sleep. The Doctors referred to this Unsolved Phenomenon as SUDS or Sudden Unexplained Death Syndrome, and it was Wes Craven's inspiration for the creation of Freddy Krueger and the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise by New Line Cinema. I'm the one responsible for every one of those deaths that inspired the Nightmare on Elm Street series. And that fucking Hack Robert Englund built an entire fucking career off the back of my work in the field of Death, but that's fucking Hollywood for you. It just isn't the Film Industry if somebody out there isn't getting accused of exploiting someone else. Now I don't mean to imply that I'm the real Freddy Krueger, Goddess no. I have nothing to do with the Department of Nightmares, you might want to check in with Mara Marller on that one. But I am the one who killed those Asians and took them into the Afterlife like the Grim Reaper. And Wes Craven is the one who got Rich off of my Handiwork. So when Wes Craven finally dropped dead, I assure you, it was no fucking tragedy. Not for me it wasn't. Fuck Wes Craven and Fuck Freddy Krueger straight to Hell. Life is Truly Unfair isn't it? To inspire others like a Greek Muse, but to never keep your ideas for yourself, unless someone generous like Kevin Neece comes along and has the Spiritual Beliefs and Guts to recognize your talents and credit you as his co-writer. Yes Steven, I murder children for my day job and take them into the afterlife to Heaven, just like any other adult laying on a bed in the Hospital Hospice next to them. And Good or Evil have nothing to do with my actions. It's a Dirty Fucking Job but somebody has to do it. Somebody has to take responsibility for all of these Dead Children who need someone to help them cross over into Heaven. Why is Life so Unfair when so much Evil in the World goes unchecked? It all has to do with the Market share of Human Souls that are Divided between the Goddess Realm and the Demon Realm. In order to keep the peace between Goddesses Spirits and Demons, all of us are married to each other as children in a sharing of our souls to prevent us from going to war with one another, showcasing that an Eye for an Eye will always leave everybody blind. Every time that a Goddess dies, a Random Demon Doublet will die with her in a sharing of life. And every time a Demon dies, a Goddess will die with her also in a sharing of life. This is called The Doublet System. We may look like Human Beings to you, but we're not. All of us are programs connected to the Algorithms in the Yggdrasil System and the Niddhog System that help run Planet Earth and in order to approach the Human Race, we have materialized ourselves into the form of Human Avatars so that we can make contracts with Human Beings to see where their Allegiance lays. In order for our race of Goddesses to survive, we depend on the Energy of Human Souls to be distributed into the Yggdrasil System so that our energy will be replenished back to all of us and allow us to live. Without that necessary energy, we would not revert into Non Magical Human Beings like the Ah My Goddess anime show, we would simply run out of energy and die, and then our Demon Doublets would die with us. And the same rules apply to the Niddhog System in Niflheim Demon Realm known to all of you as Viking Hell.
COREY FELDMAN'S DOCTOR WHAT:
Actually I find Niflheim to be quite lovely this time of year. Huzzah!
SKULD:
What this generally means is that the Goddesses and Angels in Heaven cannot overrun their stranglehold over the Market Share for Human Souls, because if the Demon Realm failed to make their Energy Quota, then the Demons would eventually die just like we would, and then their Goddess Doublets would die with them in their sharing of life. You want to know why Good and Evil happen in this world in Equal Balance like the Circle of Yin and Yang? It's because Good and Evil don't even enter the Political Equation to begin with. Sometimes the Demons have to win to survive. Sometimes the Demons need to win to continue their existence. Because without their existence, our own existence of Goddesses in Heaven would not be able to survive without them. We might not like the Demons Agendas. And they might not like our Agendas as well. But we all have to live in this Universe so that the Human Race will go on ticking, which means we have to find a way to co-exist with one another. Even if we don't really like each other. Do you understand this now? The Reason why everyone on Earth cares so much about Heather O'Rourke is because she's a Child Actress presented to them in one of their favorite horror movies and it caused her tragic death to single her out over all of the other dead children in America. But Hundreds of Children die in the Hospitals everyday that don't get the privilege of being Hollywood Movie Stars. Hundreds of Children who never get reported in the News unless there is some sort of Thematic Element that causes their deaths to be Ironic or Stranger than Fiction. Thematic Elements that turn their Tragic Deaths into a form of Mass Media Entertainment. That's why the Goddesses of Death learned to find Entertainment in their jobs by Staging Ironic Celebrity Deaths on the News. It's all about Entertainment so that the people who die will get the attention that they deserve in Death when they cross over. No different than when a Family Member puts up a Photograph of their Dead Relatives to Celebrate the Day of the Dead. Just like the daughter of a Henderson County Police Chief named Aylee Gordon, who died on Christmas Day because she was playing with a gun. The news made an example out of her father because her death allowed them to support their Anti-Gun Agendas. But if Aylee Gordon had not been the daughter of a Police Chief, would those same News Reporters still have cared about her death at all? The Conspiracy Theory behind Heather O'Rourke's death is exactly what you think it is. It's a form of entertainment because Death sells on the News and Death sells in the Horror Movie business. And as we have all witnessed from Poltergeist, Steven Spielberg clearly has no interest in being credited as the director of Horror Movies. Because it goes against his Public Image as a Director of Family Entertainment. The Closest Steven Spielberg ever came was when he directed Artificial Intelligence in the same directing style as Stanley Kubrick which was planned from the very beginning dating as far back as the 1970s. Why does it look like all of the actors in Hollywood have had their careers manipulated by Demon Mythology Muses like Hekate so that everyone they work with can be traced back to Witchcraft Satanist and Demonology films like the Kevin Bacon game from Hell. Hekate insists that the Hollywood Illuminati Patterns have always been a Practical Joke Hobby of hers that she performs on her Coffee Breaks. But it goes much deeper than that. Just like your Dead Relatives Photographs on Day of the Dead, the Goddesses and Demons depend on Publicity to keep us relevant so that Human Beings will continue to engage in Contracts with us. And one of the methods of publicity that they give us are Stories about Goddesses and Demons which can also translate into Hollywood Screenplays produced as Hollywood Movies. Steven Spielberg believes that Dreamworks Animation exists for the Entertainment of Families and Children, but take a close look at what their Company Logo is. It's a Crescent Moon which is the Witchcraft Symbol of Hekate. And if you were to take a closer look at all of the Voice Cast members listed for those Children's Films, you would realize that all of them can be traced back to Witchcraft, Satanist, and Demonology films just like the Illuminati. And it's all connected to Steven Spielberg's career. It's all an illusion Steven. Your entire life. Your entire career. Belldandy just played you and your director friends no different than a Harp from Hell. And the same thing happened to Kosuke Fujishima, which is why the Ah My Goddess anime series exists in the first place. It was all propaganda designed to provide publicity for the Pagan Spiritual Demon Realm. No different than your latest Thor movies released by Disney and the Marvel Cinematic Universe. So riddle me this Steven Spielberg. Are you prepared to learn the truth about Heather O'Rourke's death? Knowing now what you never realized about your own life and your own career before? Do you sincerely believe that saving Heather O'Rourke's life will make any difference to the life that you've lived? Has it occurred to you all that Heaven is a very real place and that once Heather O'Rourke crossed over, she continued to age into an Adult and continued her life on the other side, just like Aylee Gordon? Some people really do die for a reason Steven. Sometimes the Demons need to win. And Good or Evil have nothing to do with it. But if it makes you feel like a Hero. If you truly believe that what you find will make up for an entire life where you willingly chose to look the other way to advance your career, now is your one and only chance. And there is no shame in backing out if you've changed your mind. Your test for the Afterlife is over. You've already won. Vic Morrow and the Two Children are still alive and John Landis is in Jail where he always belonged. Do yourself a favor Steven Spielberg. Turn back Sarah. Turn back while there is still time.
COREY FELDMAN DOCTOR WHAT:
Having said that. We really do have a strong distaste for Pedophiles. Especially ones who produce Hollywood Movies for children. Does anybody remember Bella Thorne from Shake It Up? When she stopped making movies for Disney, her great big idea was to make a Murder Porn film which was the worst piece of shit I've ever seen in my life. The Adult Entertainment Industry actually gave her an Award for that piece of work because they were trying to manipulate a Disney Actress into joining their profession where she could be exploited by the Porn Industry for money. And as far as we can tell, Bella Thorne fell for their ruse hook line and sinker. I mean how fucking stupid can you get? What was the last movie that Bella Thorne made before she made that Hardcore Porn film? It was Adam Sandler's Blended with Hekate Cursed actress Drew Barrymore. Every film that Adam Sandler has ever made for Happy Madison has featured actors and actresses who made movies about Witchcraft, Satanism, or Demonology that were targeted by Hekate. You want to visit the set of Poltergeist III and learn the truth about Heather O'Rourke? So do all of the other Conspiracy Theorists in America, what makes you believe you deserve to skip to the head of the line in front of everybody else? You've been taking questions about this case from the General Public for years and you've never given any answers because you didn't know the answer yourself. Was Heather O'Rourke raped and murdered by a Hollywood Pedophile Ring on the set of Poltergeist III? Corey Feldman and Corey Haim were absolutely raped by the Film Industry, and Corey Feldman worked on the Goonies for Steven Spielberg, just like Heather O'Rourke worked on Poltergeist. So why wouldn't everybody believe in her horror story and that Steven Spielberg was connected to it? Well be careful what you wish for, because we're going to give you exactly what you've bargained for. But know this. When you go barging into the set of Poltergeist III, nobody is going to recognize you as Steven Spielberg anymore because of your age and displacement in time. And none of us will be able to help you. This task that you ask for, it falls down upon you and you alone. And when you go looking for the Pedophile Villains responsible, without the right evidence to support your claims, the only villain you might find is yourself looking into your own reflection in the mirror. Some unsolved crimes happen for a reason Steven. Sometimes the Demons are due for a win. Because at the end of the day, when you choose to jump on the Hollywood Bandwagon and make movies about the Devil, the Demons will always show up to Party, even when you are unable to recognize that they are in your presence. And when the Church of Satan laughs in your faces and attempts to persuade you that Demons aren't real, never forget that the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the Human Race that he doesn't exist. Remember us for that.
URD:
And one more thing. Heather O'Rourke didn't get raped on the set of Poltergeist III. She was raped by the Producers on the set of the Television Series Rocky Road. It's been confirmed by a Top Hollywood Entertainment Lawyer. And she wasn't the only victim. The Network was run by Pedophile Producers who instantly green light any show involving children so that they could be alone with them.
CUT TO:
EXT. CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL OF SAN DIEGO
The TARDIS fades into frame.
SUBTITLE:
CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL OF SAN DIEGO
Monday Afternoon, February 1st 1988
CUT TO:
INT TARDIS
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
This is the Children's Hospital of San Diego. This is the wrong date! We need to go to the Set of Rocky Road!
COREY FELDMAN'S DOCTOR WHAT:
We just told you. Some children are meant to die and there is nothing you can do to change their Fate. The entire reason the Producers of Rocky Road eventually got caught is because Heather O'Rourke's death mystery eventually drew National Media Attention to their actions. Without her death, those Pedophile Producers would just Keep on Truckin unchecked without any form of legal punishment. We didn't bring you here to save Heather O'Rourke because her Fate is out of our hands. We brought you here to SAVE YOU. Now go make your peace with her before she dies. The entire reason Heather O'Rourke is about to cross over is because her parents didn't listen to her when the incident on Rocky Road happened. They chose to listen to the Executive Producers instead when they fed her parents their bullshit explanation. That's why everyone believes Heather O'Rourke was raped on the set of Poltergeist III. Because she didn't go to the Hospital until what they did to her resulted in an Anal Infection that led to her Cardiac Arrest on an Operating Table.
CUT TO:
EXT. CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL OF SAN DIEGO - AFTERNOON
CUT TO:
INT. HEATHER O'ROURKE'S HOSPITAL ROOM
How did STEVEN SPIELBERG bypass HEATHER O'ROURKE'S parents and gain admission to her Hospital Room. How the fuck should I know. It's a goddamn South Park Cartoon. Nothing in this fucking movie makes any goddamn sense when you apply it to the Historical Facts.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Heather. Can you hear me? It's Steven Spielberg from Poltergeist. Can you hear anything that I'm saying? You don't have to respond. Just listen. I am so sorry that Hollywood is such an Evil Place for Children right now. The terrible truth is, these horrible scandals have always been happening dating as far back as the Hollywood Scandal of Fatty Arbuckle. You wouldn't know who Fatty Arbuckle is, but I can tell you right now, throughout the decades there have been thousands of motherfuckers just like him. Hollywood is supposed to be the place of dreams, instead the sins of Evil Producers like the ones you encountered have turned it into a Living Nightmare and worst part of all is they choose to market their films towards Children for their Big Summer Blockbusters. And do you know how that trend started. It was me. I started the Hollywood Trend of Summer Family Movies at the Theater along with George Lucas and Star Wars. And now in 2023, all we make are movies designed for Teenage Audiences on a budget that should be for Adult Cinema. As a Wise Man named Josh Becker once stated, if there is something out there worth stealing, people will always find some way to steal it. And when you splash children all over Television and the Movies like The Goonies, somehow the Sex Offenders and Pedophiles will come out to play. Something should have tipped me off from the very beginning that my career had gone wrong long before Poltergeist and Twilight Zone The Movie. My directing career was started by Sid Sheinberg who executive produced Ridley Scott's Legend where Tim Curry played Satan. And my entire career has been haunted by Hekate ever since. But I want you to know, whatever happened to you on the set of Rocky Road... I personally believe you, even if your parents didn't. Everybody has a Fate Heather. Everybody has a Destiny, and sometimes in order to achieve that Destiny we have to cross over and return to our maker in Heaven to make a statement to the Human Race. And this change that desperately needs to happen in Hollywood. It won't happen overnight. Because the Pedophiles who control those Television Shows, they also control what you see on the News. And even the Great and Powerful Steven Spielberg is Powerless to stop it. Can one life of a Little Girl make a difference in this Terrible World. I would like to believe that you were remembered. But nobody deserves to give their lives for a Television Show or a Movie. I have six children and if they had been in your place, I would have gone full serial killer on the Motherfuckers who did it. And I wish I had the power to give you that revenge right here and now. Not decades later when it's all water under the bridge and the guilty parties have walked away. I wish justice for you Heather O'Rourke. God forbid we all wish there was a real Time Lord who could turn back the clock and fix our lives. Somebody that could bring our Relatives back from the Dead. Somebody that could protect our Children from those Monsters that you faced on the set of those fucking Television Shows. Sometimes the Demons win and there is nothing we can do about it. But their authority over our lives stops at the door and at the floor. And those Demons cannot block you from entering Heaven where you deserve to find peace. So please, find that peace and Go with God my child. You will always be my Carol Anne. It's not your Soul that's been Damned to Hell for an Eternity. It's mine. I'm the one who has to pay for this mess with my life. Even if it's the last thing I ever do. And when I cross over, you have my word, that I will never leave your side again.
CUT TO:
INT. CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL OF SAN DIEGO - DAY
A POLICE OFFICER and a DOCTOR played by Dan Aykroyd are waiting outside the room.
DR AYKROYD:
I'm sorry, can we help you?
STEVEN SPIELBERG grabs a gun off the belt of the POLICE OFFICER.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
You're not the Angel of Death today! I am, you miserable Apathetic Fuck!
STEVEN SPIELBERG takes DR AYKROYD hostage.
DR AYKROYD:
Put the gun down sir! We're in the middle of a Children's Hospital loaded up the ass with security! There's nowhere you can take this!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
I'll tell you exactly where we're going to take this! We're taking Heather O'Rourke's Medical Files to the Fucking News Reporters! Let's see those Pedophilic Murdering Bastard Fucks pull a cover up on Heather O'Rourke after I fucking execute your sorry ass at gunpoint on television like a fucking North Korean Firing Squad! It's time to Move It Move It King Julian! So fucking move!
DR AYKROYD:
You're making a big mistake here! Heather O'Rourke isn't dead yet! She's still alive in her room right now! Her parents are just around the corner in the waiting room!
POLICE OFFICER:
(walkie talkie)
I need backup to meet us at the Hospital Entrance! Some nutcase swiped my gun and he's taken one of the Doctors Hostage! This man is completely deranged and he's armed and dangerous! Do not let him anywhere near the News Reporters! It's what he wants you to do! Clear out the area!
CUT TO:
EXT. CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL OF SAN DIEGO - NIGHT
We see POLICE CARS and POLICE OFFICERS waiting outside the Building.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Don't shoot! Please listen to me! This man is a witness to a crime! I have the files right here in my hand! Heather O'Rourke didn't die from sickness! She was murdered by a Hollywood Pedophile Ring and THEY'VE BEEN GREEN LIGHTING SHOWS FOR CHILDREN TO LURE THEM INTO THEIR TRAP! Heather O'Rourke was raped and murdered by PEDOPHILES! And they control the Television News Stations!
DR AYKROYD:
Do not listen to this man! Do not listen to him! Heather O'Rourke is not dead yet! Heather O'Rourke is still alive and this maniac is fucking delusional and needs help! You're NOT proving anything to anybody by doing this! You're just scaring all the children!
ALL of the POLICE OFFICERS aim their guns at STEVEN SPIELBERG.
POLICE OFFICER:
Sir! Drop your weapon! Put your hands behind your head and get down on your knees! You are outnumbered! We are prepared to open fire!
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
None of you are listening to me! There's a reason why all of this is happening! It's because nobody takes the time to listen when we lay it down! Heather O'Rourke is about to die on an Operating Table from Cardiac Arrest caused from an infection due to Severe Anal Trauma! They're planning to Bribe the Doctors and sweep her death under the rug to cover for their crimes! This incident didn't just happen out of thin air! She was raped by Pedophiles! And they're all Producers on your Television Set! Your children are watching their shows as we speak! Please listen to me! This is supposed to be a fucking Children's Hospital! You're supposed to be a Children's Doctor! How could you step back and let them get away with this?!
EVERYTHING FREEZES and SKULD appears in front of the POLICE OFFICERS.
SKULD:
No Steven. How could you stand back and let them get away with this when you were the most powerful man in the Hollywood Film Industry? It's because you turned a blind eye just like everyone else. Just like the Doctor you are threatening to kill right now. Is killing this man going to bring Heather O'Rourke back from the Dead? Do you really believe that murdering a Doctor in front of a Children's Hospital is going to effect any change whatsoever in a System of Hollywood Corruption that dates as far back as the Silent Film era scandals of Fatty Arbuckle?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
But somebody has to do something about this! Somebody has to stand up to these people!
URD:
Somebody did stand up to these people. His name was Corey Feldman and everybody in Hollywood laughed at him and chased him out of the Country after they heard what he had to say. The Story of Heather O'Rourke is no longer a big secret to the General Public. The American Public are simply apathetic towards what happened to her. It's just another form of Entertainment to them because Ghost Stories and Death Scandals are what sell on the news. There are news stories all over the internet who remember what happened to Heather O'Rourke. It was you Steven, you and you alone, who made the decision to forget and turn a blind eye. And it was you who tried to change things when you believed you had the power of time and fate in your favor. But as a very wise man named Charles Dickens once said, "These are the scenes of the Past that cannot be changed. That they are what they are, do not blame me."
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Steven Spielberg. I'm Heather O'Rourke. The same Heather O'Rourke that is about to die on that operating table, and knowing what I know now about the Afterlife and the way things work, I would never lift a finger to travel back in time to change my Fate. I represent just one of the many child victims that these Scumbag Pedophiles have gotten away with in a Sea of Thousands. Can you imagine that? A Sea of Thousands filled with the Destroyed Lives and Bloody Tears of Children who just wanted to be on Television like their hero from Poltergeist Heather O'Rourke. And I still wouldn't change a goddamn thing! Tony Todd isn't the Candyman. I am. I am the Television Nightmare that Horror Fans tell to their Children to warn them of the Dangers of the Film Industry. And I didn't achieve this fame for nothing. I paid for this Notoriety with my own life. Just like Jesus Christ who died for our Sins on the Cross, I died for the sins of Parents everywhere who chose to leave their children unguarded and unattended in the hands of those Hollywood Monsters that control our Television Broadcasts. And to this day, the Nightmare Never Fucking Ends. Would you like to know what I do now on the other side? I'm a Police Detective who investigates Sex Crimes involving Children. That's what my Fate is. What will your Fate be when it's time for you to cross over? Should you really continue your career as a film director when there is so much more that you could be doing with your life to inspire others? I have never blamed you for the horrors that happened to me. That fault lies directly on the shoulders of the Producers of Rocky Road and all of the other Television Shows that I worked on. As far as we're concerned, Steven Spielberg has paid his penance for his crimes and still has a long journey ahead of him.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
What Journey? What are you talking about? What is all of this?
SKULD:
The clues have been staring you in the face the entire time. From the moment you stepped on the Tardis with Doctor What. Dan Aykroyd is the Angel of Death. And everyone that you met during your adventures were those that you knew in life who passed away. You don't have to fear the Reaper Steven. Because you were Already Dead from the very moment you stepped into Kevin Neece's House. The entire reality that you've been living in your entire life has been a Simulation and Kevin Neece's House was the Exit out of the Matrix.
CHRIS FARLEY:
Steven. Sometimes the Demons do win. You already know what my Demons were. They were Drugs. All I ever dreamed about was being exactly like my hero from Saturday Night Live John Belushi. And now I'm exactly like John Belushi, because I died just like him. Tom Arnold tried to warn me. They all did. You cannot be Overweight and still do Drugs. But I didn't listen to them when they laid it down. It's nice to know that Adam Sandler still remembers me and sings songs about me at his Concerts. But that just isn't the same as hanging out with Adam Sandler in person. We still miss him. We miss all of them.
GILDA RADNER:
I had a Demon in my life too. His name was Gene Wilder and we were in Love until Death separated us. Gene Wilder's only crime was he played Satan in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, a man who tempts Naughty Children with Candy and lures them to their Offscreen Deaths. Gene Wilder's Cinematic Partner in Crime was Richard Pryor from Superman III, representing Three Fates. That is how I got hit with the Curse of Hekate.
PHIL HARTMAN:
I based my entire career off of playing characters who irritate the living shit out of everyone. It doesn't surprise me that one of those people turned out to be my own wife who shot me to death with my own gun. To be honest however, if she hadn't punched in my number, somebody else probably would have been happy to do the job. That's Entertainment for you. A Murder Every Minute on the Six O'Clock News. But before you pass judgment on her, you might want to consider what it feels like to actually have sex with me. If you think I'm annoying in the Saturday Night Live movies, wait until you hear me talking sexy in bed and achieving nightly orgasms. That'll annoy the living hell out of any woman alive.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
But what about Joe Dante and George Miller? If all of us are dead, then where did they go?
SKULD:
Who them? We sent them to Niflheim. It's the happiest place on earth. John Landis should be shortly joining them after this Hekate Cursed Movie.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
Didn't you just explain to me that Niflheim was Viking Hell?
SKULD:
Where do you think all of the actors, musicians, and entertainers in Hollywood were going after they died? Don't you know? Hild-sama the Daimakaicho practically has a monopoly on the Entertainment Industry. Whenever we want to book an Actor or Musician at Yggdrasil HQ, we have to go through Hild-sama's Representatives. Don't worry about Joe Dante and George Miller. Their life goals are more in tune with Demonic Desires anyways. Their film careers aren't going to suffer where they're going. And because all three of you died at the same time, everyone on earth is going to relate your deaths to the Curse of Twilight Zone: The Movie. How fucking cool is that? You three directors still get to be Paranormal Research Living Legends just like Heather O'Rourke.
HEATHER THE INTERN:
Come on Steven. Enough with the Existential Chit Chat. You've got a whole brand new life to live on the other side, and you are still survived by a Wife and Six Children who will always remember you on Earth. It's time for you to come home with us. May your conscience be your guide. Also, just so you know, in our universe, The Fablemans has been banned in Theaters by the MPAA on censorship grounds because of the way you present Christianity.
STEVEN SPIELBERG:
I've got news for you Heather. Those incidents were based on real life. Fuck the Christians straight to Hell.
URD:
And that is why Steven Spielberg is getting a One Way Pass to Pagan Norse Mythology Heaven! Trust me! Living with us up at Yggdrasil HQ is going to be a Hell of a lot more fun that giving Worship Service to Jesus Christ in Christian Heaven. We're all a bunch of Polygamous Sex Maniacs and we love ourselves a Good Dirty Old Man to fuck around with. Valhalla Awaits!
The Theme to the Twilight Zone begins.
SKULD:
"You're travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone!"
URD:
So Skuld. I've got to ask. After Steven Spielberg saved Vic Morrow's life, did it really cause any drastic changes to the time space continuum like a Back to the Future movie?
SKULD:
That's the strange part. No it didn't. John Landis was still put on trial for having Children working on a Film Set later than they were legally allowed, and because he put them in danger. This still led to the friendship breakup of John Landis and Steven Spielberg, although they did make up with each other decades later. As far as we can tell, what Steven Spielberg did on set that day didn't change anybody's life.
VIC MORROW:
You want to know whose life it changed? Mine. Look, I know that I'm not a world famous actor, I know that. Most people who watched Twilight Zone The Movie only know me from that one movie and the Accident that almost took my life. But let me tell you, I'll gladly take life over death any day of the week, and I would like to believe that I've still got a few decades left to pave out a life for myself. And those two children who were on set with me that night, if they were so desperate to star in a Hollywood Movie that they were willing to be put through that Living Hell of a Film Shoot, then who are we to say that they didn't have a future in the Movie Business. For all we know, those two children could have grown up to be the next Robert Rodriguez or Richard Linklater or Guillermo Del Toro or Sion Sono. We don't know, and because of the accident, we're never going to know. Because being in the right place at the wrong time that day took away everything we had to give. And that is exactly why we say that NOBODY DESERVES TO DIE FOR A MOVIE. Because... it's a FUCKING MOVIE! I don't give a fuck what type of arthouse shit it is or even if it picks up a Cult Audience.
BRANDON LEE:
I hereby second that motion.
SKULD:
Who are you?
BRANDON LEE:
I'm Brandon Lee. I was shot dead on the set of The Crow from a loose piece of shrapnel from a faulty loaded gun. And Michael Massee... it was never your fault. I forgive you. We all forgive you. Having said that, it suspiciously looks like Hekate's Illuminati Patterns were plastered all over the movie because it was a Devil's Night Halloween Film. Which means... Belldandy? Do you have a confession to make?
BELLDANDY:
Yes... it's true... I'm the same Goddess of Death who killed Brandon Lee on the set of the Crow. Curses! Foiled again!
HALYNA HUTCHINS:
I'm Halyna Hutchins. I was murdered by Alec Baldwin on the set of Rust just like Brandon Lee, but with one small little difference. In 2023, with all of the digital special effects we have on hand, there is no logical reason for anybody to bring a loaded gun on set. No reason at all. My death could have been easily avoided had it not been for some idiot director's attempt for Western Realism. Fuck You Hollywood and Fuck Alec Baldwin too! NOBODY DESERVES TO DIE FOR A MOVIE! Because... IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE!
RAUL JULIA:
I'm Raul Julia. I was famous for playing Gomez in The Addams Family. My final movie before my tragic death was General Bison in Street Fighter. While technically my death wasn't an onset accident, I tragically died from Food Poisoning followed by a Stroke in the local nearby Hospital. Watching myself get cut down in the middle of my prime totally sucked ass, and I've got to tell you, if I had known that fucking Street Fighter film was going to be the last movie on my resume, I probably wouldn't have done it. Fuck You Hollywood! NOBODY DESERVES TO DIE FOR A MOVIE! Because... IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE!
HEATH LEDGER:
I'm Heath Ledger. While technically I died from a pill overdose during the shooting of The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, the pills that killed me were prescribed to me due to the Mental Psychosis I was suffering from playing The Joker in Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight. Jack Nicholson tried to warn me that I wasn't ready to take on that role, and I didn't listen to him when he laid it down. And now I'm dead. If it had not been for my Three Guardians Angels of Fate played by Jude Law, Johnny Depp, and Colin Farrell, who completed filming my role for my surviving daughter, she would not have received the necessary money to send her to College after she grew up as I forgot to include her in my Will. Whatever the Tabloids may try to smear to you about these Actors, know this, they will always be Guardian Angels of Fate to me. Fuck You Hollywood! NOBODY DESERVES TO DIE FOR A MOVIE! Because... IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE! And Matilda Rose... Daddy Still Loves You... Take Care of Yourself Sweetie.
FADE OUT:
AFTER END CREDITS SCENE IN HELL
GEORGE MILLER:
So what do you suppose we're supposed to do now?
JOHN CANDY:
Hello Fellas. I'm the Devil and I would personally like to congratulate you on your decision to join the Niddhog HQ Staff Team in Niflheim, aka The Happiest Place on Earth. HAIL SATAN!
BYRON KENNEDY:
I know right. Can you believe John Candy was secretly Satan the entire time. You know I never received that warning, I just found out when I got here and it totally blew my mind.
JOHN CANDY:
George Miller, I would like to discuss an important issue that's crossed my mind right now. May I interest you in a handful of these Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts. George, I've got to tell you... I've been on many a film set in my lifetime back on earth, many a film set indeed, but when it comes to Catering on a Film Set, Warner Brothers has always gone above and beyond the call of duty, even when their Film Productions are set on location within the Seventh Circle of Hell itself. And these Macadamia Nuts, they are exceptional. Am I right everybody? Am I right?
LUCY FISHER:
George Miller? George Miller is that really you? You cannot believe how excited I am to see you've willingly decided to join the Warner Brothers Division of the Niflheim Team.
GEORGE MILLER:
Why does it not surprise me that Lucy Fisher has been a Demon the entire time.
LUCY FISHER:
Oh that's nothing. You should come back to my place so I can show you all my trophies. Ever since that Twilight Zone accident with Vic Morrow, I've had both of John Landis balls surgically removed and sitting in a Pickle Jar on my shelf and it is the absolute prize of my collection. If anything, John Landis was never allowed to have sex ever again. Could we interest you in these Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts? They're a Little Taste of Heaven in the Center of a place called Hell and they will just absolutely melt in your mouth. You know, I've been on many a film set in my lifetime. Many a film set indeed. But when it comes to Catering on the Set of a Film Production, Warner Brothers has always excelled, going above and beyond the call of duty, even when their film productions are located deep within the Seventh Circles of Hell itself. And these Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts right here, they are no exception to the rule. These Macadamia Nuts are the Rule.
JOHN CANDY:
You should listen to Lucy Fisher George. She's knows what is best for you. Let me ask you George. Haven't you ever wanted to throw Caution to the Wind, to leap off of the Cliffs of Insanity that we call Day to Day Life without a Parachute to Break Your Fall. A man who enjoys these Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts clearly laughs in the Face of Death, and we love that in a New Recruit. If you want to jump in on the Macadamia Nuts bandwagon, you better hit the Niflheim Catering Bar now while there's still time. Nobody likes to be Seventh in line for the Bachelor Party Whore. Am I right Lucy Fisher, am I right?
LUCY FISHER:
Listen to Satan George, he only does this out of love.
GEORGE MILLER:
So John Candy was really Satan the entire time. That entire comedy act that Kevin Neece has been irritating the shit out of everyone with was actually real?
JOHN CANDY:
Well it's not that surprising. Everybody on SCTV and Saturday Night Live picked up on it immediately. Speaking of which, hey Lorne Michaels, get over here!
LORNE MICHAELS:
George Miller? George Miller is this really you? Welcome George! Welcome to the Nifheim Entertainment Division. I can see you've met Satan and Lucy Fisher here. Wow, you've really aged with grace George. You must have joined the Choir Invisible like a motherfucking Gangster.
LUCY FISHER:
On the contrary Lorne, George Millers willingly gave us his soul so that he could be reteamed with Byron Kennedy. You're not going to regret this George, not one iota, because we've got big plans for you both, big plans indeed.
GEORGE MILLER:
Oh My Goddess. Lorne Michaels is in on it too. I think I'm going to be sick here.
LORNE MICHAELS:
Well it's not that surprising George. All of the Cast Members on Saturday Night Live have been Demons dating as far about as the Original Cast Members from the 1970s. If anything, Saturday Night Live's role in the Demon Realm is the equivalent of the Television Signal Broadcast from the John Carpenter movie They Live. Isn't that right? Say George, could we interest you in a handful of these Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts?
GEORGE MILLER:
I am not going eat those Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts. I don't give a fuck if you slapped Warner Brothers name on the box and put it on a Grocery Store shelf. I'm never going to eat those Macadamia Nuts.
LORNE MICHAELS:
Well that's a shame George. That's a shame indeed. Because a Man without Studio Catered Macadamia Nuts can never really be a real man. Now I've been on many a film set in my lifetime, many a film set indeed...
GEORGE MILLER:
And when it comes to Studio Catering on a Film Set, Warner Brothers has always excelled above and beyond expectations, even when their Film Productions are located within the Seventh Circle of Hell. Yes Lorne, we get it.
LORNE MICHAELS:
How did you know I was about to say that? Are you a Psychic George? Do you know how to read my mind? Wait a minute, did any of you leak the script to George Miller before he got here. Do you know how tasteless it is to leak the script to the actors before it's time to go into production. Only somebody as desperate as Kevin Neece would dare post his screenplays online before they went into production.
JOHN CANDY:
It wasn't me George. I'm just peachy.
LUCY FISHER:
Listen to Satan George, he knows what he's talking about. Now, who wants to go back to my place and watch me practice my juggling act with John Landis Severed Balls. I'm getting pretty good at juggling those things. On the day I retire from Warner Brothers, I might even have a future with the Circus. Huzzah!
THE END.
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